Is it rude to your adoptive parents to look for birth parents?

Question

Here is the story. My mother was married and got pregnant but got divorced before I was born. Shortly there after (when I was 18 mos) she married my father who "adopted" me and raised me as his child. I have no desire to find my birth father and feel it would be disrespectful to my father who rasied me as his child with love and care for all those years to do so. What do you think about situations such as these? Just curious what the consensus is.

Answer 1

As with anything in life, it depends on the way you approach the situation!

If you were like "You aren't my real parents, so I'm gonna go look for them!"  Or, "You're so stupid.  I'm going to find my real parents!"  Not cool.  Rude.

But if a person has a sincere desire, to fill a need to see someone who looks like them, or get questions answered, then o.k.  People must approach this situation gingerly, and with mutual respect.

No one is obligated to search.  It is up to the individual.

Answer 2

If he owes child support and/or you want to meet him.

Answer 3

Absolutely not. You do not have to give an explanation on why you would like to look/contact your birth parents. Obviously you are going to be interested and you should have the opportunity to look for the parents who took care of you while you were in the womb.

Answer 4

I feel I can answer this question. I too am adopted, as are my brother and two sisters. None of us are biologically related. I have always known I was adopted. I have never been curious as to who my birth parents are. I always felt that there was a reason I was put up for adoption and my turning up after 'x' amount of years seemed wrong. My sister looked up her birth parents, only to be very disappointed about what she found out. It also hurt my parents somewhat. I will turn 50 this year...my parents both passed within the last two years..they are sorely missed. No, I have no desire to find my birth parents, I feel it would not benefit anyone. Hope this helps.

Answer 5

I am an adoptee and it is not disrespectful at all to want to learn of your history.  Most parents in this situation a more understanding than many people give them credit for.  Humans are very curious and this curiosity does not change our feeling towards the parents that raised us.  If you ever decide to contact your birth father do it with your dad's knowledge.  Keeping secrets will only make things more difficult.   It is a hard subject to approach but just let them know how much you care about them and want their support.  You most likely will get it.

Answer 6

I was adopted as a newborn and have never had the desire to find my birth parents. I'm blessed that my birth mother had the strength to put me up for adoption, but I've always thought of my adoptive parents as my parents and wouldn't do anything to cause them any hurt or pain. They have loved me unconditionally for 36 yrs. My best friend has almost the same story as you and she feels the same way. She was 8 when her stepdad adopted her, but her biological father had left when she was 3.

Answer 7

I am an adoptive mother to three girls.  To me, it would not be rude at all if they eventually decide to search for their birth families.  It is only natural for an adopted child to be curious about their original family, and want to see what they look like.  I would certainly feel that way if I were adopted myself.  And my children will not hurt my feelings at all if they make the decision to search in the future.

Answer 8

I have 2 adopted childran and I am looking forward to them looking for their birth parents when they are older. I hope very much to be able to meet them and want my children to be able to relate to them in whatever way works for them. My husband is not as open about this as I am. He feels threatened, at least a little. I am glad you do not feel the need to seek out your birth father but, I also think you have every right to if you want to and that it should not mean any disrespect for your father. YOur father raised you and it sounds like you have a positive relationship with him and that is obviously good. However, your own sense of self and your roots are not about your relationship with him. If you choose to pursue your background by searching out your biological father, your adoptive father needs to be able to understand why and that's an issue for him and not really an issue for you. (althoughclearly they are connected)

Answer 9

Every person has a fundamental right to know their biological history.... to know the medical history, to know the family lore, to know the physical characteristics that are shared by nature, not nurture.  Every person has that right.

Unfortunately, parental wants tend to overlook those rights.

Answer 10

As an adoptive mother, and a supporter of open adoptions, I feel that the focus "always" should be on the child.  Meaning, if my daughter was curious and wanted to meet her birthmother one day, and I felt it was age appropriate, I would entertain that.

I do not think it is disrespectful to want to know "your story" and connect as many links as you can, so that you are more sound emotionally, otherwise, you may always have unanswered questions.

Does it hurt an adoptive parents feelings? That depends on the person. If a relationship is strong in love, trust and respect, then blood is not a factor.  What your dad gave you was a life of love,support, guidance, and nurturing.  What your birthfather gave you is life.  

Again, I think the main focus here, should always be on the child.  We as adoptive parents, need to leave ego and pride at the door when it comes to issues such as these, for some easier than others.

The key here is communication. To be open and honest with all parties is the best way to handle these situations too.

Answer 11

I don't think it is rude to look up your birth parents, there are many reasons that it is done with one of the important questions being, what is my background (medical, ancestry, etc.) and another question that comes up is why did you give me up.

I am adopted and so is my sister (from two different families), I have no desire to look up my birth parents, but my sister did to find out medical history.  My parents (adoptive parents) have always told both of us that it was our choice if we wanted to look and they would always support us.

It has to be your choice, if you don't want anything to do with your father then don't look and don't concern yourself with it.

Good luck!

Answer 12

Seeking out the truth and your own history is not rude in itself.  A person's behavior, of course, can be rude in any activity.  But an adopted adult who has a good relationship with his/her adoptive parents can, with respectful, kind, and truthful behavior toward everyone, search for answers.

Answer 13

I dont think it is rude, but I do think you should be very careful about how you approach it. Your birth father had no involvement in your upbringing, and as he was once married to your mother he has had ample opportunity to be involved in your life if he wanted to.

You will probably end up just being really dissappointed if you do find him

Answer 14

well.... if you are an adult i think it would be fine--- if you are willing to do this!! I was adopted and even though i dont really wanna know my birth parentssome ppl do-- sometimes even i wonder what they are like or if i have any brothers or sisters!!  But its normal to do that when your adopted and ur adoptive parents should respect that!! They probablly will be upset b/c they love you and dont want ur birth parents to take u from them!!  so i think if you really wanna know talk to them about be at least 18 so you are an adult!! and you live on ur own legally and the birth parents cant steal u and make u go anywhere!!

Answer 15

I don't think it is rude.  I look at it as your curious about your birth father.  Wondering what he is like, what his favorite sport, what are his like, etc.  I would talk to your mother about it first and see what she said.  Tell her that you love your stepfather just as much as a birth father but that you are curious about what he is like.

Answer 16

an excellent question that i too have been struggling with. Is it Rude? I guess the answer to that is How is your relationship with your mom? Why do you want to do it? What is the "end all"? if it is just to find them, i'd try. I'm adopted and have wondered but i won't do it as long as my mom is alive. I would never ever want to insult my mom for all the good things she has done for me. I have all the info to start the search. I'm just waiting. Remember something that I keep thinking about. What if, and this is an idea, your "real" family starts hittin on you for money and stuff. You have to realize you may open a can of worms that might be better left closed. It is not an easy decision. I can attest to that.

Answer 17

It is not rude at all.  If you ever change your mind and want to look, it is your prerogative and your adoptive father should not find this threatening.  You would of course have to ask him, but from personal experience finding my birth father, this is how it was for my dad.  He was very supportive.

Answer 18

I'm an adoptive parent, and hope that my children are able to meet their birthparents some day (if that's what they desire to do) I won't feel that they were disrespecting me or my husband, we'll still be their parents no matter what, but their birthparents were part of their lives too, and I'll understand them wanting to talk to them.

I also understand that some adoptees like yourself have no desire to locate a birthparent, and ofcourse your wishes must be respected. I wouldn't never let someone presure my kids into meeting them if they truely didn't want to.