Is it selfish or unforgiving to want a total re-do considering the circumstances.

Question

My husband and I have been legally married for 16 years. The man who married us was a friend of my husband and the minister of our church. We have found that he was a total fraud in our eyes and the eyes of our family, friends, community and probably our Lord for reasons that have been handled through the legal system. So, can we have a new ceremony? Would it be out of line for me to want a total redo of everything? I want a new wedding and do not want to look back at what was supposed to be the most beautiful day of my life and see the monster that this man has become. I do not feel as if this man had the right to bless my marriage or any part of this day. We are sick to death over the precarious situation we find ourselves in, the courts are telling us that our marriage is"legal" but even one of our local judges has said it is not properly blessed. We are devastated over this and are seeking answers from our church and they are willing to do whatever we ask, but as for ettiquette, they aren't really any help. We have forgiven this man for the things he has done, but everytime i look at our wedding photo's I am reminded of what has happened. I am not looking for gifts, but I want to include our friends and family. our children and my parents want an elaborate ceremony not a wedding but they want us to have attendants in less formal wear, cake, reception, church. I just don't know what is proper and what is not.

Answer 1

Do it! Re-new your vows and everything. I think that God has blessed you with a 16 year marriage and you deserve a proper blessing of it. It would be nice if you could use the same attendants as you did 16 years ago! That would be beautiful, except this time, include your children! Go ahead with it! Take pictures, have attendants, get a cake, have a wedding. The only thing you don't have to do is register anywhere. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 2

I believe that the most important part of the wedding is you and your husband and how you feel about them, not the person who was in charge of the ceremony, you married each other, he didn't marry you. But if it is important to you can re do it if you want. I don't think you should re do the wedding but you can always re-newing your vows.

Good luck i hope you feel better.

Answer 3

I wouldn't redo the whole thing because while what happened with your minister is unforgivable, what you and your husband first shared the first time around should not be ignored or forgotten, even if the man that blessed it is a fraud.

I would have a renewal ceremony. Renewal ceremonies are very common these days and can be just as elaborate as your first wedding, depending on how much money and effort you want to put into it.

Here are some guidelines to follow:

1. I wouldn't wear a traditional, white ballgown. Go for something different, unique and unexpected. While you say you want to recreate your wedding day, you should accept the past for what it is and create new memories that can stand on their own.

2. Involve your kids as much as you can. You'll be so happy you did. Have them as your wedding party, in addition to your friends and family.

3. You might want to consider having a beach ceremony, with a reception outside as well. Beach ceremonies are very intimate and are casual at the same time. You could all go barefoot and the men could wear khakis and nice blazers or just button down shirts, and the girls could wear sundresses. See if there are any venues in your area that are near water, and have facilities for an indoor reception in case of rain.

4. Write your own vows that talk about your life together. No one's going to forget you've been married for years, so don't ignore that. It will make the ceremony that much more meaningful.

5. I know you probably know this, but don't register.

Have fun with it. You guys deserve it whether your original minister was a fraud or not. Try to look past this awful situation and concentrate on your beautiful kids and the great life you guys have made for yourself. Don't let this jerk ruin that for you.

Best of luck!

Answer 4

OK so your marriage is “legal” but it is somehow “lacking” in your eyes because of the evil man who performed the ceremony.

Dear one, you didn’t know about his evil ways until sometime after the ceremony, so please don’t think of yourselves or your marriage as being somehow “tainted.” God doesn’t frown upon you – or your marriage. Trust me.

However, YOU are the ones who have to live with yourselves – and if you feel somehow less than blessed, then by all means, there’s a remedy for that.

What you need is a vow renewal ceremony.

It’s a wedding – well, of sorts – for people who are legally married in the sight of man but who want to proclaim their love and seek God’s blessing.

And yes, it’s OK to wear a long, white dress, be walked down the aisle, cut the cake  ÃƒÂ¢Ã‚€Â“ the whole nine yards if you choose. OR it can be just a simple ceremony with just a few loved ones attending. That part is up to you.

Talk to your minister about this. I’m sure he can help arrange things.

Answer 5

So, if everytime someone falls from grace anyone that touches their lives gets a redo?????? If the ob/gyn gets arrested for something do you get to re-do your children's birth?....if your father turns out to be a wanted felon living for all those years under an assumed name, do you get to re-do your childhood?  If your high school principal turns out to be a child abuser, do you get to re-do your high school graduation?

You've been told your marriage is legal.....SIXTEEN YEARS have gone by already......so get it blessed by a clergyman and move on......

do NOT use this as an excuse to have another elaborate wedding, you are already married, your vows to each other have nothing to do with the officiate, Mickey Mouse could have been your officiate as long as he could marry you legally it has no effect on your vows to each other or your marriage. You ARE looking for an excuse to have another big white wedding....one per marriage, Hon...to 're-do" it is rediculous and cheapens the committment you've made to each other and lived by for 16 years...and it's GOD who truely blesses a marriage, not the clergyman.......wow.

Answer 6

If it makes you feel better, have a simple ceremony with close friends and family. If the court has informed you that your marriage is legal, you are legally married. I don't know where you live, but for a judge to say that it was not properly blessed, was out of line. Religion has no place in the courtroom, and by saying this he has caused you further distress. Because the minister broke the law, does not mean he was remiss in his duties when he performed your ceremony. BTW, you didn't say what crime the minister committed.

Answer 7

Oh please!!!!!!! it sounds to like you just want another wedding.

You and your husband bless your marriage by staying together and loving eachother and staying true to your vows.

You think the paster that married my husband and i was perfect? you think he never sin? of course he sin and he's not perfect. no one is perfect but God himself. Just because this preist is doing or did something bad doesn't make a 16 year marrieg suddenly not legal. In fact your marriage is legal once the court says it's legal.

It's bless if the preist prayed on the ring and for both you and your husband. amd I know its really blessed because after 16 years you are still together. So please save your money and renew your vows after 25 years like everyother normal person,

As far as i'm concern your marriage is blessed. but it sounds to me like you want to have another wedding.

Answer 8

In your situation, it is not selfish to want a re-do of your vows and blessing from a pastor/minister.

I think it is a bit odd to have a whole big to-do, though, that would recreate to some extent - your original wedding day.

You & your husband obviously took your vows seriously but I totally understand your wanting someone else to bless your marriage.

I think the appropriate thing to do would be to have a vow renewal, and you could have light snacks and a cake in order to celebrate.  But keep it casual/comfortable and low-key.  Having attendants and a formal reception - to me - seems more like you care about re-doing your wedding day and not re-doing your marriage blessing with a pastor that hasn't gone awry.

Answer 9

No, no it's not.

I'd recommend a renewal of vows. I agree that the officiant at the wedding doesn't really affect its legitimacy, but I also see why you want to do it again. The two of you have already promised yourselves to each other before God and your families. A renewal of vows is a good way to get the formal blessing of the church, without throwing away the good with the bad from your first ceremony.

There isn't really a lot of ettiquette. You and your husband need to decide what you want to have to ensure you feel that you have properly received a blessing on your marriage. I would recommend having a formal ceremony with a reception afterwards - punch, cake, snacks, sit-down meal, any and/or all of the above.

Answer 10

Horrors!!!  I read your posting and nearly burst in tears!!!  16 years of living in a fraudiulent marriage!!!  My only prayer is that God understands your plight and does not view you as having lived in sin all these years.  The good thing is that you did not know that this man was a monster!!!  Or did you suspect something about him, and then denied the obvious truth?  Now it is too obvious, so you must immediately correct the situation.  Plan a nice religious ceremony, and get legally married all over again.  Hopefully your State will recognize this along with your religion.  Change your anniversary date to this new date, and start counting your marriage years from the beginning again.  Unfortunately, your poor children will have been born out of wedlock, but that is no fault of their own.  Just hope the neighbor children are forgiving and not wishing to call names.  You are on the right path, my peach.  But, you must correct was has gone wrong.  Otherwise, you continue the sinful path.  God bless you and yours, my peach.

Answer 11

I think a complete re-do with the white dress and everything would raise eyebrows among those who don't know your situation, but perhaps a lovely repeating (I hate saying renewal, because they don't expire) of the vows and blessing of the marriage would be a great idea for you!  It doesn't have to be a repeat of your wedding, because honestly that is in the past.  If you have forgiven this man, then pictures including him should not bother you.  The covenant you made with your husband is still valid and binding.  God sees into your hearts and that is really all that matters in the long run!

With that said, I do still think it's sweet to have a marriage blessed at regular intervals.  Perhaps you could have a special blessing some Sunday during the regular service and then provide cake and punch immediately following the service, depending on the size of your church of course.  Then perhaps you could do a repeat of your vows for your 20th anniversary in 4 years?  It would be a great way to celebrate a milestone anniversary and give you new memories of your lives together.  For a 20th anniversary, I don't think anyone would think it was against etiquette to have a big bash.

Best wishes!!!!!!!!!

Answer 12

Forget about him. Think of this as a wonderful opportunity for you to have your wedding blessed. He's actually done you a favour. Your children will now have the chance to see their parents declare their love for eachother after 16 years of happiness. You have already said you have forgiven him, so forget about him and what he has done.  

Answer 13

If it makes the two of you feel better then i say go for it. i've only been married for 4 years and i would like to redo my ceremony. Over haldf of my husband's family was missing, i just didn't like the way things turned out, so i would like a do over

Answer 14

It is not selfish to want to re-do your vows.  Lots of people do renewals of their vows for anniversaries.  Its just a nice way to say this is still how we feel.  Don't worry so much about the etiquette.  Just make sure its done tastefully and don't register.  You may also want to pass the word informally that no gifts are needed, the gift is just having every one bear witness to your love and faith.

As to your marriage not being blessed properly before, I'm not very religious so take this with a grain of salt, but I think God is a little more forgiving.  Besides I seem to remember something in the bible about god being present when ever believers are gatherred.  The officiant does not make it "real" to god.  Your marriage is blessed becuase you and your husband knelt in front of god with faith and asked for the blessing.  

Answer 15

Perhaps you haven't forgiven the man?  It's okay if you haven't forgiven him but at least own up to the fact that you cannot forgive him.

I'm really sorry about the situation you find yourselves but, if you invited and invoked the name of God into the first ceremony then, sure enough, God was there to bless it and no one can undo that, no matter what the minister did or didn't do.  Remember, it's "until death parts us" not "until the minister is indicted, arrested, or defrocked."

Why not just have a vow renewal service for family and close friends but be sure to specify "no gifts."  You could have a small reception in your home following the service that could include a cake and refreshments.  

Answer 16

To me, only the sincerity and honesty of those making the vows matters. The marriage is between the two of you, forget what the priest or pastor did or didnt do.

Answer 17

Isn't it God's decision whether or not to decide whether your ceremony is properly blessed or not and not some judge?  Just asking.

If you want to do a wedding over then by all means do it.  Of course it is proper, lots of people re-new their vows, for lots of different reasons.  One thing I don't understand though is why you are letting the actions of the man who married you dictate how you feel about your marriage.  You made your vows, you stuck to your vows, you have a family and you have lived your life accordingly.  Have a new ceremony but don't beat yourself up about it.  Not your problem.

Answer 18

You can always do a vow renewal, but truly, it doesn't change the past 16 years of marriage you've shared with your spouse. I'm sorry this man turned out to be a horrible person, but regardless, you've been married all these years, and no re-do will make that be any different.

Would you consider yourselves newlyweds, and forget about your original wedding anniversary, and begin to celebrate the new day as your anniversary? If you have kids, will you act as if they were born out of wedlock?

I would just say sorry you placed your trust in the hands of someone who didn't deserve it, and move on from there. Have a vow renewal party for your next anniversary where you restate your vows,  but remember, you made those vows with each other and God-this former friend was just an officiant.

Answer 19

Hi.  I am sorry what has happened in your church.  

I must, however, answer from an etiquette standpoint.  You have been married 16 years.  Is your marriage a happy one?  I am assuming it is.  So.....why the re-do?  Obviously, you can do what you want.  But here are my thoughts.....

I am Catholic and also work at a Lutheran Church as a parish secretary.  There have been things in BOTH of these churches that have shaken us.  My "favorite" priest turned out to be a thief who tried to embezzle money from the parish.  He was caught before he did, however.  Now, he is no longer a priest.  However, my daughter WAS married by him and it was the best wedding ever!  Just because your minister did something....does that make your marriage dirty or a bad one?  I don't think so.

Same thing with the Lutheran Church I work at....I won't go into details, but there have been a few "events" that would make you shake your head.

If you really feel that you want to renew your vows in front of family and friends, then

I would wait for a milestone anniversary (like your 20th).  However, personally I would look the other way.  Do you think the Lord is saying your marriage is not a great one?  

I doubt it.

What happened in your church is sad....but it is an event OF the church.  It has no bearing on your marriage.  Personally, I think having a "re-do" wedding because of THAT person is not needed.

If you do decide to.....it is NOT a wedding.  You are legally married.  Call it a renewal of vows ceremony and an anniversary party.  Yes, I do think having a total redo is a bit much.  But, again, that is my opinion.  It's your life....your decision.

EDIT:  After reading some of the other answers, I must add this:  If you have forgiven him....again, why the re-do?  If the next person doing your "wedding" turns out to have a fault or two....then what?  A third wedding?  Think about it.  Every judge, minister, etc. has faults...because they are human.  Enjoy and celebrate your 16 years of marriage with more in the future.  Save your money and go on a really great second honeymoon for your 20th anniversary!

Answer 20

If it were me, I would want a small (religious) wedding ceremony with only close relatives and friends. Your marriage is legal, you could not have known there was anything invalid about the blessing of your marriage.  No one can really tell you what is proper, because this is a very unique circumstance.

Answer 21

Perhaps you could have a very simple vow renewal ceremony with a minister that you trust. As you've been told, your marriage is already legally binding, even if you feel betrayed by the person who did it. Renewing your vows isn't a legal ceremony, but an opportunity for you and your husband to reaffirm the promises you made to each other on your wedding day.

I wouldn't do this as a "pseudo-wedding," but as a simple party (after all, you don't want to spend the whole night explaining to people why, after a decade, you are having another wedding). Skip the attendants, the bridal gown, etc. Perhaps you have a brief vow-renewal ceremony in your church or backyard, followed by a low-key reception with appetizers and desserts. Or, go with your very close friends and family to a private room in a restaurant and have dinner together.

While I sympathize with your circumstances, I think it's a little extravagant to do "wedding, the sequel." You can do something classy and beautiful that celebrates where you are today and the family you have created instead of dwelling on the past by trying to redo it.

Answer 22

In your situation, I don't see anything selfish about wanting a redo because it's obvious that the the spiritual aspect of marriage is important to you and that's been compromised. It's not like you didn't like your pictures or your uncle-in-law got drunk and ruined it, you actually feel like this foundation of your marriage has cracked a little. It's also been 16 years so a vow renewal seems completely reasonable. In my opinion, feel free to plan whatever ceremony you like.  

Answer 23

First off, I want you to know that as long as you and your husband love each other, your marriage is blessed.  The marriage between the two of you has NOTHING to do with the person who officiated it.

That being said, you've been married 16 years.  You could have a vow renewal ceremony, but I wouldn't do the whole wedding thing with a big white wedding dress and veil.

Answer 24

Have an elaborate vow reneweal and marital blessing.

Your marriage is legal, so you only need a blessing.

As far as a "new" wedding, well, you are already married, but certainly you can do an elaborate ceremony. No cathedral lenght dresses or bridesmais, it won't be approapriate and it's beyond tacky, but an elegant subdued affair would be more appropriate.

Good luck

Answer 25

Very selfish!

Answer 26

Putting aside the guy who married you for a minute, look at the guy you married. Look at all you have been through the last 16 years. It has been a real marriage, right? He's still the one, right? You're still in love and as committed as ever, right?

So...you can have a new officiant of your choice bless your MARRIAGE and you can renew your vows. There are lots of scripts for vow renewal around and you can have a beautiful ceremony.

So as far as etiquette:

You CAN each pick one or two very special people to stand up with you. Do you have children? I think it would be great to have them standing up with you just in a group -- not groomsmen or bridesmaids (as you are not a bride or a groom) but just together with you. But a line of attendants in matchy-matchy outfits would not be appropriate.

You CAN wear a beautiful dress -- a white one even -- but not a great big poufy one with a veil. Wear something appropriate to your 30 or 40 something status and as a wife and mother of children, as you are not a bride but a wife.

You CAN have as elaborate a reception/party as you want. You CAN have a beautiful cake with the only limits being your budget and imagination, as long as it is not with a bride and groom on top.  And as long as you do not have a garter toss, bouquet toss, etc.

You CAN have a processional into the church but you should walk in WITH your husband. No one is giving you away and you are already married so that really makes the most sense.

You CAN even have a honey moon and you CAN reserve the wedding suite of a hotel for your second honeymoon or renewal moon, but it might be more fun to have a family-moon with your children to celebrate. You COULD even have a destination wedding/family-moon combo if you wanted.

You CAN have a champagne toast, but to "Jason and Holly" not to "the bride and groom."

So you CAN have a beautiful ceremony and party with many of the fun elements of a wedding, but as for better or worse you were already a bride and he was already your groom, you are instead husband and wife.  

Answer 27

Of course it is proper. In my opinion it has nothing to do with being selfish or unforgiving (you already stated you have forgiven the minister). It has to do with peace of mind and that it would make you feel better to be blessed by someone other than a "monster". That is very understandable. After all a marriage is sacred - go ahead. You won't regret it for one minute.

However, since your mariage is legal your original anniversary date will be the same on paper. Unfortunately, what happened will never change, but luckily it can be re-done. So go for it. The best wishes to you and your husband.

Answer 28

I am truly sorry for you friend's loss of character. That can be worse than loss of life, at times. As for having a "redo," why would you cheapen the vows you made to each other and God because the man who officiated turned out to be the opposite of everyone's imaginings? Your wedding day was still special and beautiful. He couldn't change that, even if he tried, and you shouldn't let him. I don't know what he did, but if did not affect your husband or yourself in a painful personal way (i.e. he stole from you, hurt one of you physically, etc) than I wouldn't be so dramatic. Plenty of people/religious leaders have hidden their true characters, but that doesn't mean everyone who had contact with them, or were married by them should have a "redo." Move on, and heal from the revelation. You could always have a vowel renewal, but anything more would be inappropriate and superfluous.

P.S. If you are saying your marriage is any less real, or blessed, because a man's PERSONAL decisions that only God should judge, than you are saying for the past 16 years you have lived in sin. To me that would open up a whole other can of worms, so leave well enough alone. Pray, study the Word, and learn to forgive. The fact you identify your former friend as a "monster" shows that you have yet to follow the Christly example of forgiveness. You and your husband will be much better off when you too can escape bitterness and anger.

Answer 29

given the length of time that has passed between your original wedding date and now, i would maybe go with a quiet vow renewal ceremony. the important thing is that you both commited yourselves to one another on that day...not that your officiant was keeping secrets.

you could set up a intimate party in a small venue...i wouldn't go ahead with a lavish ceremony. you're not getting married a second time. you're simply renewing your vows considering what has happened.

invite members of your original wedding party, close friends and family, and celebrate the strength of your love!

(maybe even schedule it for your original wedding date to help you feel as though you are refreshing your love and marriage)