Is it selfish to keep your child when you know you can't provide the best for him/her?

Question

I know this question is a cliche regarding adoption vs parenting. It is nevertheless still an important factor in the decision making.

Now, I know there are lots of adoptee in this forum so please do give me a piece of your mind. Before reading on, it may be better to check for more background in my other post before answering. Please search: "In serious crisis, I need help with advice?" in "pregnancy"

Now let me explain my case further.

First, I came from an intolerant country where a single mother is considered sinner (i wouldn't care less about that) and an illegitimate child born out of wedlock is considered a "bad product" (translated from local term to english). This is exactly my concern. Too many times i have heard of illegitimate children being mentally (name calling etc)or physically abused by the society, the extended family and even by fellow children.

Answer 1

Is it wrong to want to keep your child, even though you cannot properly care for them? No. Who wouldn't want to keep their child and parent them. But birth mothers need to realize that in the end they have to do what is best for their child.

Answer 2

Whatever decision you make, make sure you're committed to it.  Don't wish forever you'd done something different, that will eat you up...

My point is that life is hard - either way, you're right, you've got a really hard decision to make.  Just make sure that once you make it, you're good with it - good enough that NO MATTER what happens, you're going to go through with it.

I'd put on another post that we had a family here that wanted to adopt, they paid the mother's pregnancy expenses, were soooo excited, went to the hospital and was there for delivery (emotional), they named the baby, took the baby home,  did the 2, 3am, 5am feedings, bonded completely to it and THEN the mother decided she wanted that baby back... it was in that time frame that legally she could change her mind and she DID take it back.

It tore that family to shreds.  I mean it, that poor lady and the man too looked like they'd been through it when we saw them weeks later.  I dont know that they will EVER recover from that... their dreams were shattered and if they ever have the courage to adopt again I think it would be a miracle.

I'm saying that to remind you that when you do deliver, whatever you're feeling at that time or remorse afterwards - if you decide to give that baby up then stick with that... don't be that person that crushed those people.  If you have the baby and take it home and THEN decide to go the adoption route, again - just make sure you're committed to it.  There are literally thousands of very financially secure, loving and arms-open couples out there that would love to have your baby but just make sure that's what you CAN do before you agree to DO it.

Take care and blessings in whatever you decide.

Answer 3

It isn't selfish to keep your own child.  But it sounds like you are really asking what we think is in the best interest of the child considering you will have to take that child back to a country where he/she will be a second class citizen.  You do have some options.  I suspect if you give the child up you will never tell anyone in your family or others that you had a child out of wedlock.  So, what is the problem in putting the father's name on the birth certificate and letting the child share his birth father's name.  No one would ever have to know that you never married the father.  Tell them he left you for another woman and in the divorce you took your name back.  Or change your name legally to share the same name with your child.  As far as providing the child with the best healthcare and education, you were able to come to America for education.  It seems your child (who would be eligible for dual citizenship, I assume) would be able to move to America whenever he wanted.

On the other side of the coin, I would never subject my child to the horrors that some countries perpertrate on children of other nationalities and/or who are born out of wedlock.  So, if you feel your only choice is to take him back as illegitmate or put him up for adoption.  I would go the adoption route myself.

I wish the best for you and your child.

Answer 4

You should leave your husband. Get a devoice. It is his fault that he and others call him or her names. Do the right thing. Tell it to the judge and find a new group of people to hang out with. Unless you are that carless mother who doesn't care about her own child.

Answer 5

It is not selfish at all, there are alot of very good parents who cannot give birth themselves so to them it's a huge blessing for a woman to give a child to them whatever her circumstances are.  And sadly, it might be best for you as well. That child will have a home and you have a new start on life.

Answer 6

Your not at all you create a baby and carry it and there is help you can get through the statewith healthcare etc.   whateveer your  heart feels is the best

Answer 7

The best a kid can have is love and attention, and ideally, biological family too. If you're worried about the kid being illegitimate, just say you married the kid but got divorced and changed your and the kid's last names afterwards.

With an American dad, I'd imagine the kid would have dual citizenship which might help.

If I was your child, I'd want to be kept. Good luck to you both.

Answer 8

Can you check on becoming a legal citizen here? The material things you give a child does not make a good parent. That comes from giving them love, support, teaching them good values and morals. Raising them to be a productive adult. You say you are here studying. So if the eduction system in  your country is poor, can you fill in the gaps and school them further at home? Ask yourself are you capable of giving them the love and support they will need. No one here or anywhere else can make this decision for you. You have to weigh the pros and cons so to speak. And decide what is best for the child. As the child is the one that really matters here.

Answer 9

First let me say how sorry I am for you and your situation. People will always judge you but these *ssholes do it to you directly. Make your own decision without outside help because only you and your child have to live with the decision you made. You may not be financially stable right now but who will love your child more then you? All in all regardless of what people say you have to do what's right for you. I hope you make the best choice. Remember, everything happens for a reason. ;-)

Answer 10

oh the adoption progaganda machine is in full-force..

no, it is not selfish to keep the child you conceived and gave birth to. i'm not sure of your county, but many many children were raised by single mothers and did just fine.

also, with the divorce/re-marry rate as high as it is, the likelihood that adoptive parents will divorce and raise children as single parents, blows holes in that argument.

Answer 11

Children born to single mothers, in the US, are not mistreated.  With the rate of single pregnancies and divorce in this country, there are probably just as many children in single parent homes as there are married.  So while you're here, anyway, this isn't really a big deal.

Babies don't care if you shop for them at Nordstrom or at the thrift store.  They won't even notice if those toys were bought second-hand, for 25 cents at a garage sale.  Believe me.  I've had two children myself and they really don't have to be expensive.  Breast milk is free; baby gear is cheap at the second-hand stores or garage sales; and all you really NEED is a good car seat.  The rest?  You can easily do without.

As far as the "best"... what exactly is that?  I think this society is so commercialized and materialistic that we've really lost sight of what's important.  

I am an adult adoptee, and I'll tell you what I think the "best" is...it's being with your family, the people you are related to and who love you and you belong with.  It's not about toys and gadgets and fancy houses and lots of things; it's about family and love and sharing bonds with your people.  THAT is "the best".

Now, you can choose to give your baby to someone who can give your baby the best clothes and the cutest nursery and send her to the preppiest schools, or you can choose to muddle through school and do with a little less but still have your child and keep those familial bonds in place.

The choice is yours; but as an adoptee, I would have much rather went without, and still had my family, the people I was born to be with.  Things and clothes and gadgets, while fun and fancy, do not "the best" life make.

Answer 12

it,s not selfish at all,but depending what can happen to you in  your country,be careful on all decesions

Answer 13

No, it's not Selfish you want to keep your child or to keep your child

Giving up a child for adoption is hard, and you need to be 100% sure that it's the right thing for you

If you are not sure, you may regret it for the rest of your life.  Some people have done this and regret it

Some people give their child to loving couple, and know what the did was the right thing for everyone

It is not shelfish to not do something that you will regret

Adoption is not for everyone

Adoption does work, you need to know where you stand

Best of luck

Answer 14

well let me first tell you here its not like in your country. they do not label adoptee kids anything. so you shoudn't worry about that. if they are adopted out most of them are lucky and have a good life. there are some that get through cracks and may get a bad parent but not too often i would think. i am adoptee and had a good home. If you can't offer as much and you feel yourself that is best then do it. if you keep it opeened adoption you maybe able to keep in touch. yes, i am sure with monthers that really love their children it would be very hard but that is what choices we have to make soemtimes and i understand this. my parents on the otehr hand were drunks, drugs etc. they were horrible and i was lucky of 3. my two older sisters are both messed up. one is on drugs and other one had stroke from drugs one is an RN retired but shes still not wrapped too good. parnoid i guess is whatyou would call it. well talk later take care.

Answer 15

no its not selfish to keep this child, believe it or not you will make things work when the baby came, you would make ends meet, believe me, you do, it just happens.

I thought if you have a baby in the country your an immigrant, you do not have to go back to your own country  because you gave birth to your baby here, that's how i understood it worked, I'm not sure of course, cause thankfully I've never been in your situation, a situation that doesn't sound nice At all,

Firstly, tell your best friends and family, they will have a lot of impact on the decision you make, I'm not saying be forced into a decision by them I'm just saying let them help.

When you say an illegitimate, these days things are different, there is a many thousands born out of wedlock, so this wouldn't worry me, don't let it worry you, the teasing off other children doesn't go on as much now, because there is so many wed lock children.

Good luck with your situation, i hope you come to the right answer, for both you and child.

Answer 16

i consider the best to be love support and comfort if you can afford those things than you are qualified to keep your own child. who are you anyway some nut who tried to adopt and got denied!!!

Answer 17

It's not selfish at all, it's mature and humane.  You are studying and your studies will have to be put to the side (which could very well reduce your quality of life).

your child deserves medical insurance; your child deserves a full family and if your country is intolerant, he/she may not have that when you return home.

it is hard as heck raising a child on your own -- working, studying and trying not to be stressed out so much that you can't take time for your child.  children (and mom too!) need both parents and if you don't think you'll have that . . .In fact, it sounds like you're somewhat afraid of physical abuse by your own family upon your return with an illegitimate child.

I am adopted and my brother was adopted off an Indian Reservation in Arizona.  I have met my birthparents and my birthmom has come right out and told me that she could never have provided a life for me, her current son and herself.  I know it had to have been hard for her to give me up especially since she already had one but she made the right choice.

I would strongly suggesting sitting down with a clergy member or other trusted confidant. . . .pour out your feelings and get your tears out and hopefully, they'll only listen to you and not lead you down any particular road.  i think once you pour your heart out and get some of that 'pressure' off your back, you'll be able to breathe and make the decision that's right for you, your child and your situation.

ETA:  figures i'd get thumbs down from the anti-adoption movement.  Living on the streets is soooooo much better than a roof over your head -- have you ever talked to someone who lived on the streets?  what an idyllic romanticized (=blurred vision) of reunion/life with birthparents who CHOSE to give you up.  It's always greener on the other side isn't it?  i'm sure your parents are so proud of you and happy for you.  *sigh*

Answer 18

I would have lived on the streets if it meant I was with my mother

It sounds as though you have made up your mind anyway, so what is the question really - are you looking for a pat on the back.  I'm sure there will be lots of people doing that, but not me

Good luck

Answer 19

Being with his mother is the best choice for every child. It's not selfish, on the contrary, it's vital to the child's future mental health. Being poor might be a burden, but being abandoned is a fate worse than death.

Answer 20

I was adopted as an infant, and I can tell you I would rather have been raised by my single mother even in the '50s.  The so-called "proper upbringing" I had in my adoptive family meant nothing to me because I never belonged in that family.

I would rather have been with my mother, fighting our social battles side-by-side as a family.  Yes, I would rather have been "mentally (name calling etc)or physically abused by the society, the extended family and even by fellow children" than to grow up where I did not belong, with people who could not understand or accept me for who I was.

Answer 21

There is nothing wrong with adoption, but I would suggest writing a letter to child and asking it be given to them when they are of age to understand why it was done. My sister was 27 and had just been divorced with 2 kids and got pregnant from a 1 night stand..She couldn't bring her self to abort, so she found a loving couple who wanted a child and did adoption because she couldn't afford to raise a 3rd child alone. Some say that is wrong, I say it is better to give a child a chance...she wrote him a letter explaining how sorry she was and it had nothing to do with him, and sorry for the fact she didn't even know who his father was..it was heartbreaking the day at the hospital to see her kiss him goodbye, but I still think she did the right thing...

Answer 22

I'm never sure what makes anything think that adoption will guarantee a better life?  Adoptive parents are human, too.  Just like some natural parents, some of them lose their jobs, some are alcoholics, some abuse.  So, there's no guarantee if your child would end up with one of the good ones or one of the bad ones.

Besides, this is your child and you are his/her mother.  There are all sorts of ways to take care of the issues that are causing you concern.  Several people have mentioned them already.  Clearly, you will give your child love and security.  This does seem to be a guarantee.

Answer 23

I'm not sure I would call selfish unless I knew what situation you were in. I cant really comment on it. I think it would be selfish to keep a baby in an abusive realtionship, where the mother has no intention of getting out of it! Now thats selfish. You do the upmost to keep your kids from harm right? Think of it that way! I know that even if I wasnt financially sound enough to bring a child up, I would make do with what I did have and live on the basics. Schooling could ne sitting in the backyard being taught at home......but it doesnt matter, The child is getting an education right? You should never give your child up because of what people think of you. If you know that you could provide for that child somehow, then thats what you must do................be a mother.

If indeed you think adoption is a right choice for you, then look into it with your eyes well and truly open. Dont rush into it, think long and hard about how you might feel. Once you have agreed to adoption, and everything goes through, then you cant just change your mind again, so make sure you know what your doing. Sorry its long

GOOD LUCK

Answer 24

Does the father know or are you keeping this from him? And make sure this is what you want to do. I hear all the time about open adoptions ? They are going to let you be in the child's life sure after a while you are just in the way.

   Years down the line you wonder what happen to your child and wished you had never gave the baby away. If you can handle not knowing about your child and be able to walk away and the father doesn't want the child then all be it give the child to a couple who want the child.

   I might seem bitter but I have watch my son fight for 2 years over his child that was stole trough adoption. He has visitation right now and get this the couple who has the baby doesn't want his daughter from the same mother to have anything to do with the little boy and this wonderful couple said in court they couldn't have children on there own but now are expecting so guess who will be treated better a child they have to share with my son or their own.  Make sure this is what you want to do and be able to explain yourself if the child comes back wanting to know.

Answer 25

it human nature and sad sad sad

Answer 26

I don't think so.  Its natural to want to be with your child.  I couldn't afford either of my children but I still kept my children.  There is never an ideal moment to have a child.  There are resources that help you take care of your child.  Not once did anyone ever suggest that I give up my children.  Nor would I.  Believe me I had a doctor in my first pregancy who was dealing in black market babies.  I found out about two weeks after my first child was born.  If someone would have attempted it would have been then.  I am the most likely target too.  I am an adoptee

Answer 27

No, it is not selfish to keep your baby when you know you can't provide the best for him/her.  It is a very self-less act to put the needs of the baby ahead of your own.  You are a very strong young women and  I congratulate you for wanting to make the best choice for your baby.

Here are some facts about unwed parents:

Numerous studies have shown that children are better off when raised by both a mother and a father. These children are less likely to drop out of school, have behavioral problems, participate in delinquent behavior, become single mothers themselves, and live in poverty

And many unwed mothers find that single parenthood is much more challenging than they expected. Studies have shown that single mothers have higher rates of illness, have less social involvement, and, if they are teenagers, are less likely to eventually marry than those who place their babies for adoption.

If you do get pregnant, I hope you will consider placing your baby for adoption.

Some may view placing a child for adoption as “abandoning” that child. But, adoption “is not abandoning your responsibility. It’s taking more responsibility. It is truly taking care of your own, because you’re saying, ‘I can’t give this child what he or she needs, but someone else can.’ ”

One writer expressed it this way: adoption is “not the abandonment of a baby but an abandonment of self for a baby’s sake.”

Usually the birth mother chooses the adoptive parents for her child, and she meets them before the birth. Together she and the adoptive family determine the type and frequency of future contact that will work best for them, whether such contact is through letters, photos, or face-to-face visits.

Here is a link to some adoption information. It is all totally free for the birth mom AND dad.

http://www.providentliving.org/ses/birth...

You can Call Toll Free at

1–800–537–2229

They can answer any questions you may have, and will help you regardless of what you choose to do.

Best of luck.

Here is a great article:

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vg...

Answer 28

I couldn't have said it better than Betty B