Is it selfish to listen to the babysitter?

Question

My colored wife and I want to adopt. But she only wants a colored baby. Our babysitter said that she will quit on us if we go that route. She is irreplaceable at her job because she's been with us for over a year and has grown attached to our son Jackson.

Answer 1

So, your wife is black, you son is bi-racial, I am assuming, and she will quit if you adopt a black child?  That sounds absolutely ludicrous to me.  That must make your wife feel pretty awful!  I think I would be showing her the door, for that comment alone.  

Answer 2

There are other babysitters out there.  And I would not have that one on as mine anymore.  That's just not right.  What could she be teaching your child?  I say go for the adoption, give her a choice, and start the interviewing process.  Other Nannies can grow just as attached to both children.

Answer 3

The biggest reason my cousin choose a white family for her son when she was looking for a family for him is so stupid people wouldn't ask questions that would hurt him.  She wanted him to have every chance at a happy life, and didn't feel it would happen if people always were asking if he's adopted.  As chance would have it, he looks so close to his adoptive brother that no one would know unless told.  You don't have to explain yourself to the sitter, unless you want to.  If thats the reason, it shouldn't be a problem.  

Answer 4

The babysitter needs to mind her own business. If she quits for that reason then she is racist and doesnt need to be around your family anyways. Whould she quit if you guys were going to adopt a baby that is only white? (assuming you are white) I'd ask your wife the same. Would she allow you to adopt a baby that was only your race? I can understand why she wants a baby that is completely like her but she should have thought about that before getting into a relationship with someone of a different race. There are lots of bi-racicial kids out there who will never get adopted purely because of their race. I think you should adopt a baby that is bi-racial. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 5

Let the babysitter go. I don't understand why she would say that. I am a babysitter and it should not matter, if she won't care for your baby then she is not the right babysitter. I think its a great thing that you want to adopt. Who cares what the babysitter thinks about this situation.

Answer 6

It seems to me that "you" are a little too intimate with the babysitter.

Answer 7

your sitter probably feels that since you refer to your wife as "colored"; (which is a loaded, racist word, in case you have been on mars since the middle of the 20th century) then she's within the realm of expected to put on her racist cap, too...

my advise:

-the 1950s called... they want their word back. please do not refer to black people as 'colored 'in public. most find it offensive and it might get you punched in the mouth.

-do not allow any child (bi-racial, white, black, et al.) around racist caregivers. we have far too many screwed up kids due to being cared for by screwed up adults.

-let your wife know that most black women would stab their husband (non-black or otherwise) in the eye if he referred to her as "colored"

-skip the adoption and pay for some cultural sensitivity training, instead.

-drive to her house to carry on your affair. and hire a caregiver with a bit more integrity.

-don't troll using children or race as bait.  it's tacky.

Answer 8

Stop sleeping with the babysitter.  

Answer 9

I would adopt the child that i want to adopt and find a new babysitter. Why would you let a babysitter determine the child that you and your wife adopt? If anyone is being selfish its the babysitter. She is replaceable. She's not the only person left in the world that can babysit. There are plenty of people out there that are responsible and caring enough and can get attached to your son. Although i'm wondering if you meant that your son is attached to her. In that case i wouldn't want my child to be attached to someone like her.  

Answer 10

A babysitter, ANY babysitter, can be replaced.  She's the one who works for you, not the other way around.  If she is forward enough and prejudice enough to give you an ultimatum about how to live your life then I think it's time to look at getting her replaced anyway.  Who knows what she is poisoning your child's mind with now?

Answer 11

you babysitter is a racist a hole don't listen to her!! it is your child and you don't want to have your child being racist especially about your wife! and kids get new babysitters all the time and just because their attached doesn't mean tharyour child won't befriend a new baby sitter!

good luck!

Answer 12

You may want to rethink using the word "colored." While it may seem really similar to the accepted "of color," given the history of the word it has the potential to be quite offensive. If you want people to listen to you, you really need to avoid that.

I think that no babysitter, no matter how reliable or attached to your child, should be the deciding factor in family decisions. The babysitter will not be around forever, but you will always be the child's parents, so you need to do what's best for you, not for her. No one can replace your babysitter as a person, but as an employee, you'll find you really, really can. Your son can become attached to a new babysitter too-- and will have to adjust to someone new eventually, when he goes to school if not before that.

I also think you should seriously reconsider allowing your son to be in the care of someone who will not be accepting of a minority child. That's not a good attitude for your son to learn. He shouldn't be taught racism or to reject people based on the color of their skin. I think you need to find a new babysitter anyway to prevent that kind of mental harm being done to your son's view of the world, and of his own family.

As for adoption, though... I find myself wondering if you're really open to adopting a minority child. The decision seems to be completely your wife's, and saying "The babysitter wouldn't like it" seems like grasping at straws to me. Forgive me if I'm way off base, but could it possibly be you who is struggling with the race issue as concerns your potential adopted child? At least on a subconscious level? If that's in any way true, you need to talk to your wife about it. You need to fully get this in the open and talked over before you bring another child into the picture. No child deserves to live in a home where he or she isn't fully accepted.  If you can't accept a minority child, adopting one would not be a good idea.

I think racism is an attitude that shouldn't be accepted and should be struggled against, but a child shouldn't be a pawn in that struggle.