Is it the job of adult adoptees to educate adoptive parents on how it feels to be adopted?

Question

Or should adoptive parents seek that information out for themselves? Or do they think it isn't important?

Do adoptive parents have a responsibility to listen to adult adoptees voices for the sake of their adopted children

Answer 1

I think adoptive parents should know how they are going to handle the child's adoption before they adopt. Know if they are going to tell him right away or wait until he is older and instruct their family the same way. Personally, I am telling mine from birth and I have pictures of the birth parents to show him when he gets older.

Answer 2

No, as adoptees, it is not our job.

But I try to do it, out of empathy for the little adoptees out there.  If just one adoptive parent reads my words and considers them, then I feel I have greatly improved the life of their little adoptee.

I'm not saying that my words are the ultimate truth, but some adoptive parents just refuse to believe that their little adoptee will ever feel negatively, and label unhappy adoptees as "bitter" and we had "Bad Parents".  Some AP's think that if their child feels negatively about the adoption, that it's their fault...(which it's not) and that if their child does feel badly, then they are somehow not good parents (NOT the case at all).

Oh of course there are some bad aparents, but I think most of them want to be a good parent to their child, which is the way it should be.

And the best adoptive parents WILL seek out this information, these truths from other adoptees who have lived it...because it's always best to know every possible scenario, and how best to deal with it.

And I applaud those aparents, who take the time to really READ our words instead of just seeing what we type and going on the defensive.  

I hope for the sake of adoptees everywhere, that their AP's do listen to adult adoptees' voices, because it only serves to improve and strengthen their relationship with their child and makes life a whole lot better for the adoptee.

Answer 3

It doesn't matter what it felt like for them to be adopted, because every situation is different.

Answer 4

I don't think it's the job of adult adoptees to share their feelings.  However, it does help adoptive parents become educated.  I do think that some adult adoptees become frustrated when they  share negative feelings and adoptive parents respond that the children they are raising don't feel the same way.  I think in that case there can be two possibilities going on.  It is possible that that  particular adoptive parent is in denial about their children, or it is possible that the feelings of those particular adopted people are just different, and other adoptees are being judgmental of an adoptee who doesn't report negative feelings.  I have seen both happen.

I DO think it is the job of adoptive parents to listen to adult adoptees who share their experience for the sake of their children.  I think adoptive parents should listen to lots of members of all parts of the adoption triad and get a good picture of the range of experiences and try to learn from them.

Answer 5

I don't think it's the adult adoptees JOB to educate AP's.  However, if the AP's are able to learn something from the adult adoptee it doesn't hurt to help.

Answer 6

Actually, YES, thank you for asking.

It is our (adult adoptees) job (I see it as a mission, really) to educate PAPs and adoptive parents.

If you were going to Italy, would you research your trip first?  Do you think it would be beneficial to talk to people who had traveled there before you?

If you were applying for a  specific job, and got it, and had a chance to talk to the person who had the job for 18 years before you--would you seek their advice?

I hope so!  Because it's hard enough to be a parent to a non-relative, and going into this long-term arrangement without learning from others (like those who have gone before your child) is incredibly arrogant, and flat out selfish.

Remember, adoption is for the child's benefit--not a a cure to your barren womb, dear.

Answer 7

No its not our job. We are not hear to educate. The information is available and has been available for decades.

I can see how some Aparents would benefit from listening to adoptees, going to conferences w/ adoptee speakers on the core issues of being adopted, reading adoptee books, blogs, articles and listening to it from our mouths.

BUT the problem with that is, is that they expect us to have ALL the answers and then act as if we, can fix the problems w/ adoption, when the problems need to be prevented to begin with. Looking to adoptees to help "cure" or "fix" the trauma of separation and loss of family, clan etc. isn't going to work to a complete healing degree because the loss has been endured, it has happened, and once it happens, you can't fix it. You can't go back. I can show them how to survive, how to make it, how to heal a little, but you can never undue it. A loss is a loss is a loss is a loss is a loss.

Answer 8

I am a foster parent and a prospective adoptive parent.  I talk to many other adoptive parents and everyone I have talked to did or is doing extensive research before adopting.  Legally, most states require minimal training so most adoptive parents get at least something.

But I'm sure there are lots of parents out there, especially relative-placement situations, where very little research was done about the process and about the specific child.  And that is just sad.  Older adoptees are going to carry with them memories and emotions that no one will ever understand unless someone lets them open up in a consequence free way.  And most teenagers aren't going to say "Mom, I think I need some counseling"

I don't think it's an adoptee's JOB to educate anyone.  However,  only the adoptee can truly share how it feels to be on that side of the triad (adoptee, birth parent, adoptive parent) so I think it's important for everyone to be open to listening to everyone else.  And be respectful of what everyone says, even if you disagree or find it hurtful.    

I think that EVERY parent has a responsibility to listen to their children about what they are feeling and what they are struggling with.  It doesn't fall on just adoptive parents to pay attention to their kids.  Parents should listen (with respect) to how the kid is feeling, what issues they may be dealing with, etc and help their kid get through it.  Sometimes that means just listening, sometimes it means getting outside help.

If you are looking for some people to talk to, try the forums on adoption.com.  There are adult adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents and it is a wonderful resource!

Answer 9

I think it is difficult for children to veralise the feelings they have and may appear to their parents to have no issues with adoption

Adult adoptees are more able to speak about how it felt to grow up adopted and whether or not adoptive parents choose to listen to that experience depends on how secure they are within themsleves - some aren't able to deal with any stuff that comes from a painful place.  They don't want their kids to feel that way, understandably and many many adoptive parents dismiss adult adoptees as having a "bad experience" or "crappy parents" which is insulting and just wrong!

LC you are clueless

Answer 10

It's not your JOB to be a child advocate- however you are welcome to be one.

Adoptive parents should definitely look into ways to deal with the child's feelings towards adoption- however in many ways the parents want to think of the adoption as a positive and not dwell on possible negatives that come with it.

Adoptive parents do not need to listen to adult adoptees. Same as birth parents do not need advice for their children. It's best to seek that advice, but by no means should they feel obligated.

Answer 11

I don't think it's their job, but as an adoptive parent, talking to some adult adoptees has been really helpful. Before we adopted our first child our agency had an orientation which included a panel of Korean adult adoptees (we adopted from Korea) It was really nice to hear their perspective, and know ahead of time some of the issues that our children may face, and be able to plan ways to help them deal with those issues.