Is it time for divorce? Please read, I'm desperate!!?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. When our marriage first started I felt like he was the man I had been waiting for. Through the years he has become very controlling. He got saved (Christian) 2 years after we were married. He feels that I should feel the same way and want to be at church every time the doors are open, watch religious channels on tv, etc. If I don't do this he gets very upset. He has anger issues, and says I am supposed to submit to him. He was out of a job for awhile (8 months) we are both working now and we moved in my mothers house( the house is a dump) as a temporary situation to get back on our feet. He feels we need to stay at her house for a longer period of time ( 6 months or more). During the course of this time he buys things that are unnecessary and is serious about buying a boat! I feel that we should have our own place first otherwise I feel we are taking advantage of my mothers generosity. He feels he deserves it because he works hard at his job (insinuates that his job is more difficult than mine because he works 39 hrs. and I work 27 to 32 hours.) When I voice my opinion about our living arrangements he gets upset!! My daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks and I have been spending most of my spare time helping plan the wedding, which in return he feels he is being neglected due to this fact. Our work schedules most of the time conflict, but he says I am not taking care of him (doing laundry , cooking, dishes, etc). I try to do as much as I can but it is difficult. He spends his days off doing whatever he wants to do. The other day I suggested we spend the day together since we both had the day off. It started out ok but when I didnt want to walk up a hill with sandals and a sore ankle he got very angry. I told him fine that I would try it cuz I didn't want to ruin his day. He said no we were leaving, I said no lets stay here. He said get in the car or Im leaving . I insisted we stay and he left without me. When he didn't come back after 15 or 20 minutes I thought he really left. I didn't have a cell phone or any money and we were about 60 miles from home. I started walking trying to get to a phone so I could find a way home. He ended up coming back and was mad that I had started walking home. He said " Oh you couldn't walk up the little hill but you can walk all this way!) I wanted to tell him to just get the h**l out of my life but I needed a way home. We separated a year and a half ago for about 3 months, I really missed him and I take my vows seriously so we got back together. I don't know if I should continue or not. We disagree on alot of issues. Part of the reason I stay is because I dont make enough money to live by myself. We have one vehicle, so If he left he would probably take the car. Please any advice would be so appreciated!!

Answer 1

You don't live by yourself, you live with your mom. Get rid of the egotistical control freak.

Do you really need that c**p? He should have volunteered to carry you up the hill....not leave you because you were hurt.

He's a loser. You can pick up more hours on your job. And without him spending you will have more money.

Answer 2

he sounds like a selfish @ss.....if he wants to go by the bible and say that you should be in submission t him....you should point out that the bible also states that the wife is the weaker vessell physically....so he should make allowances for you....ie working less hours etc. But that aside....I really dont know what you see in this man .....a man who think he deserves a luxury item such as a boat when he hasnt the decency to put a roof over your head without his mother in laws help.....what kind of man is he..... you are the one who must decide....but it doesnt feel to me that he is treating you with dignity or respect.....good luck with whatever you decide   :  )

Answer 3

You know, choosing to leave your husband is a hard decision. I am facing this now as well. A lot of people will tell you he is a dog and to divorce him, but it is not always the answer. Its like, when you both have good days, it is so good, but the bad days are really really bad. There is no medium. And you feel you cannot win. I would say, counseling. If you like, ususally the pastor, priest or leader of your church can sit down with the both of you and discuss problems. They usually use specific verses and offer good help, which seeming from your Religious husband might be good for him. If not traditional counseling might be the best. Then you are discussing the problems out in the open and have a mediator to help with things. I understand your concern with the living arrangements, and if you are worried that you will not make enough to live on your own, then maybe staying with you mother for an additional short period of time, would be best. Maybe you could explain the situation to her and see what she thinks. Then you can save a bit of money, make a budget, and be on your own. There should be no worries about whether to be a good wife or be a good mother. Your children come first, no matter what their age and your husband should know that. I would remind him of this. Men come and go, but family will always be there. I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find your answer.

Answer 4

I think he has mental issues and you should get out of this relationship before you waste any more years of your life....

Answer 5

it sounds like your marriage is of convience not love, when it comes to marriages it is never a good idea to take the advice of strangers, you should follow your heart, if you feel it is totally over, why don't you  look into the law of your mother evicting him, and you stay there until you can afford to move out on your own and get a vehicle, it takes more than one spouse to take their vows serious, your husband is cruel and cruelty gets worst over time, and since he plays chrisitian because that is what it actually sounds like, talk to the pastor of the church for guidance, because no matter what advice you get from this site, as women we think more with heart, than really facing reality, so unless unless you are committed to actually ended your marriage, nothing else will matter. Good Luck To You

Answer 6

come over to my house I can help you.

Answer 7

Get some better job skills. If he objects to the time/money you spend getting better educated, tell him that it is necessary to keep your current job. His behavior is atrocious, but it sounds like you are an enabler. Whether or not he would take the car in a divorce would depend on the decision of the court. If the judge thinks you need help in establishing an independent life for yourself, the judge might order him to pay alimony. (Which you might or might not actually get from him.)

Answer 8

Divorce him already. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing and you should see right through his religious c**p.  

Answer 9

I hope his next step in his controling ways is not to start hitting you. He sounds like a real nut case! Tell him to leave and you stay with your mom

Answer 10

im sorry. i read your question. because i myself am going thru similarities. you see im 23 and hes 26 and well we have been together for 8yrs. married 3 . im sorry. i just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Answer 11

I would give him two choices:

1. our own place NOW or

2. divorce

Answer 12

It sounds like he needs some prefessional help on emotional issues.  Somewhere in him, he feels lacking and unfulfilled and has been projecting onto you and your relationship.  Avoid getting infected by his negative views of you.  He is trying to feel in control of his life again by controlling you - indirectly.

You need to start looking after yourself more.  Trying to meet his 'surface' needs is not going to help as the real core of the issue isn't being dealt with.  Learn to lead a life independant of him and focus on your well-being rather than just pleasing him.

I don't think it will be plain sailing but at least you are facing up to the problems.  I think you are getting near the end of your preserverance, that is why you beginning to ask if it is time to divorce.  Sometimes, we all have to do something which seem very harsh - for the god of both parties involved.

I had been in a very similar situation in the past.  I filed for the divorce when I somehow got him to challenge me to divorce him as it was easier for him to handle being the instigator & it meant that things were easier for me to handle that way.  In my case, he persisted on staying at the house for some months after the divorce was finalised but I got him out and moved on with my life fully in the end.

We have to know when we cannot do anymore for that person.  No one can help someone who is not willing to help themselves.  None of us should honour vows (it is a contract of a kind) when the other person isn't honouring theirs.  Any contract is deemed breached, null & void when one party stop honouring it!  Don't feel bad about it.  It sounded like you have done all you could.  May be it will jogged him into getting some help- at least a chance of that.

It doesn't mean that he won't get better nor that you won't ever get back together again.  Anything is possible. But isn't it time you starts looking after yourself first?

I think you can carry on staying at your mother's house.  Have trust in faith, life & yourself and somehow it will work out.  He should be the one to go.  He would feel better about himself in long run too if he starts being more independent of your and your mother's support.  I don't think he is 'the lost cause' just yet, but he is heading that way.  I don't think you are helping the situation if you allow this to carry on.

Stay strong.  Define your boundary. & Good Luck.

Answer 13

I had an ex like him.  Your man will NEVER get better.  He will be verbaly abusive and mentaly abusive forever.  You do not need him around if he acts like this.  He is allowed to self express but you can't even rest your hurt foot with out him yelling, throwing a fit and leaving you.

It is hard to leave at first, I went back many times. my ex made awesome money.  I left with out a car, no job and my kids.  I stayed at a friend's house that really helped me see where I needed to be in life.  She pointed out things I missed or blocked out of my mind.

Within days of being at her house I got a job, rode the bus at first & walked every where.  I realized I did not need that much money to have a better life.

Since I left; I have to say I am not sorry I did.  I have stayed gone and will do so for the rest of my life.  I do not need someone like that and you don't either.

Your car & everything will come together in time, you will just need to work at it a little bit.

I wish you the best :)

Answer 14

Leaving you stranded for not walking up a hill sounds a little severe. Has he ever gotten professional help for his attitude/anger problems?

If you divorce him, at least you'll know you have your moms house to live at till you can either get a better job or save up enough to get your own place, so that option shouldn't be out of your mind.

Answer 15

Sounds like a real pig.  You'd be better off without him.