Is it unfair for my biological nieces, nephews, & cousins to hate me because I was a foster child?

Question

It wasn't my fault I was in foster care all my life. My biological nieces, nephews, & cousins tell me that they hate me because I just came into their life a few yrs. ago. They have NO respect for me, & I didn't do them any harm, & I hardly ever got to get to know them, & they hate me anyway. & they claim non-family members as relatives, but they're too embarrassed to claim me as their aunt or cousin. Question is, why is THAT their excuse for hating me? But they treat my twin sister & other brothers (who were in foster care) like the rest of the family.

& the foster family & kids @ school treated me like I had leprosy, b/c I was a foster child. They treated me like a plague. Also, even my own sisters, brothers, & parents (including my twin) told me that they don't give a d**n about me, & that they can care less if I died today or tomorrow.

This is all because they're drug thugs who are striving for popularity, & I have a college degree.

Answer 1

s***w them.  You are letting their negativity affect you, when you are clearly advancing in your life.

Some people will always be hurtful and cruel.  But, let me remind you....."What comes around, goes around" and "Karma is a *****"....

...they will get theirs.   s***w them now.

Looney Tunes is right.  Make a new family from other people in your world.  If you don't have other people, start getting them through work or volunteer or church.  Family does not have to be biological.

Answer 2

I wish I could give you a big hug.  I'm adopted and I think the fact that you have to deal with the garbage you are dealing with stinks.  Stay away from those drug thugs.  If you are in their company and they get in trouble, it is very possible you will be dragged into their mess.  And drug dealing is bad business.  People get KILLED over drug deals.

I have a similar situation going on between my biological relatives and myself.  Don't keep ANYONE in your life that is going to ruin it and cause you trouble.  You are to be commended!  You have achieved a lot on your own.  They have a ghetto mentality and want to drag you to the gutter with them.  There's an old saying: "Water seeks its own level." Your "water" doesn't need to be lowered by criminals.

Answer 3

Hey.  First of all, it is amazing that being a foster child you have a college degree!  You should be so proud of yourself...only 2-3% of foster kids get a college degree!   You BEAT THE ODDS.

The kids in school treated me bad too.  I was "the kid with no parents" or the "home kid (group home)".  It is part of being a foster kid and it sucks.  But you have risen above that!   You went to college and graduated and are making something of yourself, without them!

You don't need them anymore.  I know it is hard, but you need to move on.  They are bringing you down and hurting you.

I suggest getting into therapy, so that you have someone that can support you, because it is hard to move on, but you are in a position to do so.  Create a new family, of friends, co-workers.  Volunteer for something...people that volunteer are so accepting.  They will become good friends.

Being in foster care is so damaging.  Foster kids take the BLAME when everything goes wrong.  It is NOT you.  They have a problem.  A therapist can help you see this as well.

You have a college degree.  You are doing great.  Now, you need to recognize that it is NOT your fault and that these people have a problem.  Start making a new "family".....They will NEVER change.

Answer 4

The more I hear about your biological family, the more I think you need to cut ties.  They are not nice to you, and I feel bad about that because your foster family wasn't nice to you either.  I am with LooneyTunes...you need new family.  Close friends, maybe people at church...people that would be supportive of you.

Answer 5

I think you nailed it on the head in your last statement.  I think that is one of the main reasons they don't like you and it has nothing to do with you being in foster care.  I have read your post and your family is  for lack of a better term   ghetto.  You are trying to move on and better yourself and they can't understand that. You seem uppity or they think you think you are better than them.

Also you  suffer from mental illness and that is a big alienation thing in families. People don't understand mental illness. They just know the person is not normal. They don't understand you can't just shake it off or just get better already.  

Answer 6

Dear Question Queen,

Yes, its unfair.  I'm sure you have heard the saying that life's not fair.  You can't look at this situation that way or you'll drive yourself crazy.  You obviously have a dysfunctional family that doesn't reward you for your successes.  You have done a wonderful getting a college degree thru all of this chaos.  I'm afraid you won't ever be accepted because you strive to better yourself.  You are breaking the mold and being a beautiful role model to your younger nieces, nephews, and cousins.  You are not alone this is pretty typical behavior in abusive and dysfunctional families.  There is always a scapegoat who causes all the problems.  You rejected their lifestyle so they feel in a way you are rejecting them.  Don't take it personally, you are just smarter than them:)

Do not waste your time trying to get them to love and accept you.  Just carry on your business and maybe with any luck some will come around and see you for who you really are.  In the meantime, find kind, caring and loving people to surround yourself with.  You know in your heart that you are right.  Keep your head up.  Don't let haters bring you down no matter who they are.  It would be helpful for you to get some counseling to work through all of this.  Its really tough but you are stronger than you know:)

Happy 25th Birthday.

Answer 7

I am sorry about the rejection.

However I suggest that you separate yourself from all of the Family.

They have a problem not you. And I get the distinct feeling that you

have been better of all along they they.

See what you have accomplished. Good work.

I wish you a good life surrounded by nice people.

Answer 8

I would say you got it in your last statement like he said above.......I say get the h**l out of there and go enjoy your life without them....My real dads side is like that and I just don't even talk to them i love my life and its great....You just need to get away your better than them!

Answer 9

Yes, it is unfair for sure. I would think that they can't have respect for you because they don't respect themselves. They are full of ignorance. Look how far you've come with all the obstacles you've had to conquer on your own without them. You should be proud of yourself. They sound jealous. Don't allow for them to bring you down, don't give them the satisfaction. I can tell you are a strong person, you just need to recognize that if they don't support or care about you, you don't need them. Best wishes

Answer 10

Yes it's completely unfair for others to hate you because of your status as a former foster child.  You may need to ask yourself questions like  could they be envious or jealous in some way, perhaps it's your college degree?  It could be any number of attributes you have, that they wished they'd had.  Another possibility could be that they have major pride issues - they don't want family 'secrets' being exposed, is it important to them to keep up appearances?

Don't let the turkeys get you down, and rise above.  It's just the old adage, 'we can choose our friends but are stuck with our relatives'.  The problem is theirs and not yours.  If they want to be hateful and bitter and get cancer later in life, let them.  Engage with people who are true friends, those are people who love and accept you, and will offer you encouragement, support, understanding and respect.

Answer 11

NO. They're just insensitive and ignorant.

The mother of a good friend of mine was adopted from Ireland by a very weathly cold woman from NY back in early 50's. She was always treated unfairly because she was considered the non biological child of the family and just a charity case. I've witnessed the comments and always felt they were just insecure because she was naturally talented and they always had to struggle.

The sad thing was that she was sent to a convent for over 4 years just because her a-mom was too busy with her socialite life and career.  I don't know if my friends mom was a victim of the Magdalen Asylums but it wouldn't surprise me. She never searched for her real mom because her spirit was broken.  Today she gets by on therapy and valium.  Its really sad.

Don't let anyone break your spirit nor internalize their f'd up attitudes.

Its not your fault. Its your parents, its your govt and your society that let you down.