Is it wise to celebrate the adoption day with adopted children?

Question

My niece has had a large party for her 4yr old every year to celebrate the day she was adopted and calls it her " heart day." This year the 4yr old acted funny about it and my niece was wondering if she is feeling too singled out. She has a new 6mo. old brother from mommys tummy and asked if he would have a heart day. The question is , does this show a seperation that could make a difference in the way both children will feel?

Answer 1

yes!We adopted our daughter from foster care and had a huge pizza PARTY WITH FAMILY AND FRIEND TO CELLABRATE HER NEW LIFE AWAY FROM neglect and abuse.It is wonderfull wehen a family is created cellabrate and take a lot of pix

Answer 2

i was adopted I'm now in my 50's and my parents did the same they didn't have a big party but made a big deal out of it and when i was older and married still called me every year at that time. i did not like it as a child because it did make me feel singled out, they also would when around other people would introduce me as their adopted child not by my name, (don't do this) i never felt like i belonged always the outsider, and was remedied of it constantly. not that i wasn't loved it was just different.

Answer 3

I think it's time to stop the party and just have a regular birthday party instead.

Answer 4

i think the gestures there and is lovely but it might make her feel isolated as ur neice is making a point that the 4yr old was adopted and her other child is her natural child so although they are celebrating that the 4yr old is part of the family she might not neccessary feel like this because its being brought up every year that she was adopted (hope this makes sense!)

Answer 5

Building a family through adoption IS special. No matter what the adoption circumstances are it is part of their life and should be celebrated.

Will it single her out?  Yes, and it should, but only on "heart day". The rest of the year it's "family as usual."  I think biological children would even agree to that.

It's a choice the parents make and it doesn't matter what outsiders think. Since you've already started celebrating I think you should continue.

Answer 6

I could but I think it is a great idea.  It is good the the adoptive parents were honest with their child.

Answer 7

A large public party is over doing it.  This is a small and private family affair.  To honor the day, not make a circus out of it.  Likely the child felt on display.  She should scale it down to a family celebration with a walk on the beach, a trip to the zoo, or family at home with a cake.  

The fact that this child showed interest in her brother having this same day or not suggests that this does feel like separation to her.  She is speaking loud and clear!

By the way, do her parents talk about her adoption a lot, and tell her "story" to others?  If so, this is contributing to her feelings about feeling on display. Some parents talk way too much about their child's adoption -- this is private information, especially about her birth family, her beginnings in an prphanage, if adopted overseas, etc.  This is not good for children and it is information that belongs only to them.  They can choose who to share detials with.  

Sometimes adoptive parents do this kind of stuff with good intentions, but they can without realizing it seek out attention for themselves through their adopted child's "story" or circumstances.  This is just plain wrong.  We are blessed to parent children through many ways.  Adoption is just one of those ways.  Period.  Parents who feel the need to always talk about their chld's adopiton and how they "rescued" them from unfortunate circumstances are being disrespectful to their child and their birth family.  

I hope this helps!

Answer 8

the adopted girl is probably overwhelmed

Answer 9

I think it great that she wants to celebrate the ''adoption day"

because it is a Special Day, a Rememberance, of that

day...when that part of the Joy of Her Life, entered her home

and brought forth much happiness, for that family...

When I was young and I had a family of children, of "Yours,

Mine, and Ours", I picked a holiday, and we used a holiday

as an Annual Event for ALL OF OUR BIRTHDAYS...and this

worked out well, for all of us..

That Special Day was Thanksgiving Day...We had birthday

Cake, and Sang Happy Birthday...and hugged each other...

and today, wherever they are I hope some of them remember

this..for it is a good memory for me...

I praise her for what she is doing to make the day special...

and as the children grow up she can surely explain the

celebration, so they can understand...

Answer 10

A friend of My family adopted a baby girl and they celebrate her adoption day. She has no problem with it and actually looks forward to it. But My family adopted 2 girls and they would rather not celebrate it because, like you say, they feel too singled out. I think it depends on the child. They may be okay with it, and they may not. Its a tough thing to ask the opinion of a small child but and older child may have an opinion on it.

Answer 11

If her daughter is uncomfortable with it, I would stop.  In general, I wouldn't celebrate "adopted days" with children too young to actually remember the adoption.  However, if you're adopting an older child, who WILL remember being adopted, I think it's an excellent idea.

Answer 12

I believe it is important to celebrate the adoption day, and even to say "I could not actually be there on the day you were born so our family likes to also remember the day you came to us." Such a celebration, which could be large or small but needs to be personal and special, is going to naturally have an evolving meaning to the child and other family members as she grows. Children naturally will learn that there are many different things that make them special and that they are valued highly.

I think she is probably at an age that she is just now figuring out what it means to be adopted, and probably has the normal sibling rivalry feelings towards the new brother, as well as questions about pregnancy and babies. I would really recommend that the family pick out some of the excellent children's books about adoption at their local library, there are numerous resources out there.

Answer 13

I think it was a great idea by the mom!  It showed how much she loved this special little girl!  However, now that she is showing some discomfort with the idea of this special party-it probably is time to stop them.  Maybe instead this could be a private day where mommy gets a babysitter for the new baby and just takes her daughter on a special shopping trip or the park.

Answer 14

The occasion should definitely not be ignored, but this is NOT the right way to go about acknowledging it.  It should not be a party like a birthday party.  We will have our first "Forever Family" day in September.  We plan to start a tradition of making it a family togetherness day for our immediate family: no extended family, friends, or gifts.  We will watch video and look at pictures of the day, do something special together as an immediate family, probably go out to eat.  As far as siblings feeling included, celebrating it as a day the family joined together makes it much less stigmatizing for the adopted child and more inclusive of the biological child.  The bio child will be part of the family togetherness activities.

Answer 15

I BELEIVE IT DOES SINGLE HER OUT SHE IS PART OF THE FAMILY WHY SHOULD SHE GET A SPECIAL EXTRA DAY IT WILL JUST CONFUSE HER AND MAKE HER THINK MORE ABOUT HER BIOLOGICAL FAMILY AND CAUSE EXTRA PROBLEMS IF THEY WANT 2 HAVE A SPECIAL DAY CELEBRATE WITH THE ADULTS NOT THE KIDS THEY HAVE ENOUGH 2 DEAL WITH

Answer 16

I would say yes, it could. I celebrate adoption day with my son but I call it family Day as its the day we officially became a family. And it is just something that me and my husband do with our children. Go to the park and have picnic etc. As they get older, I sure it will be amusement parks

Answer 17

I don't think that it singles out the 4 yr old.  I was adopted and my family still recognizes the day that my adoption was finalized, even though I am married and have children of my own.  The celebration was never over the top, a special dinner or activity with the immediate family.  It is always a special day for me.  The adopted child will always know that she was chosen.  That is how I always looked at it.  Anyway, I never felt my parents felt any different about me.  I just came into their lives in a different way.

Answer 18

Ya better ask her if she is outgrowing her heart day and just want to celebrate her birthday just like everyone else.

Answer 19

I wouldn't do that. It will make her feel singled out and separated from everyone else. Why does she have to be reminded every year that she was adopted.

Answer 20

It depends on the child and the family.

We have two biological sons & two adopted daughters.  We celebrated "gotcha day" (I love the term heart day) the first year & it sent our oldest daughter into a major tailspin emotionally.  We stopped celebrating it after that.  We may bring it back some day but we're not into causing her more pain that she already has experienced in her short life. (and that's what the celebration did for her).

Every child is different, every family is different.  If the child sees it as  a good thing, go for it...if not, discontinue it.

Answer 21

I believe it is truly dependent on the family and the way the child reacts.  I would try to make it a "family day" when other non-adopted children are involved - spend the day doing something special as a family, etc., so that no one feels left out.

However, my son is an only child, and we do celebrate our welcome home day because it is special to us and we want our 4 yr old to understand that adoption is a beautiful thing - not something to be ashamed or embarrassed of.  We typically will spend the day doing something together, have a favorite meal, and he gets a small gift from Mommy & Daddy.  Nothing elaborate, but enough to make him realize how special he is to us and our family.

Answer 22

I have a friend who does something like this for her kids she calls it GotCatcha Day. I had never heard of the concept and thought it was really cool. Wish my parents had done it for me, as I’d have gotten more presents, what kid doesn’t want more presents.

Maybe they can ask the little girl if she wants to do it. Instead of having it every year. Just have it when and if she wants too.

Or maybe a Kids Celebration day, that way both kids would be included and not feel left out.

Answer 23

i think it is a wonderful thing,

Answer 24

I think it should just be a special family day.. not a big party with friends and extended family.. but just a special day for immediate family.

My mother is 55 and still has a special day with Grandma.. her adopted mother.  They do lunch, exchange flowers etc.

do kid things and adjust as the child grows.

It could show a seperation as the children get older.. especially if it the day ismade into  a big ta doo.

Answer 25

I think it is great that they celebrate the day this little angel came into their lives, but I think it should be something privet, for the parents and the child.  That way she knows that they are still so very thankful she came into their lives, but also doesn't feel as if she has been singled out by the rest of the family.

Answer 26

This might alienate the little angel. Make birthday for the children together maybe!

Answer 27

I would suggest she ask the child how she feels about the Heart Day celebration.  It may be more appropritate to do something smaller with just the immediate family now that the child has some understanding of this day.  It may also be a time to tell the story of how she came to be part of the family - and to discuss what they know of her birth mother.  

For my kids (who were older at adoption) this day also is the anniversary of some HUGE losses in their lifes.  We had our first Family Day but we just went out to Brunch.  We did not really call it a celebration - but I celebrated these amazing kids in my heart.  

I don't think she should just ignore it - you can not pretend that there is no difference between the way the Bio child and she came into the family.

Answer 28

I think that it is a good thing, but some children may get to feeling funny about it.  If that is the case, maybe just have a small family gathering a family meal.

We plan on celebrating our adopted childrens adoption day!