Is it worse for kids to be raised in homes with bio kids?

Question

This article got me thinking...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/family/story/0,,2227700,00.html

If many parents love their own children better/more than their adopted kids, wouldn't it be healthier for adopted kids to be raised in homes where they are the only children?

I know lots of adoptees, and in nearly every case the families with the parents' biological children as well as adopted kids seem to have had less 'happy' childhoods.

In some cases it's that the parents and children 'communicate' better, or have more common interests. Sometimes the mothers and/or fathers side or favor their own children.

I also wonder if the family members outside the biological family can see or feel it more, because they're NOT part of it...

Answer 1

I think this might best be answered by the children.

I have one of each and they're mine and there is no question about that.  One was adopted in 1969 and the other arrived unexpectedly in 1969.  So if you ask either one of them their age they will tell you.  There are 10months and 1 week  between their ages.  Strange, they were both born with red hair and dimples in their chins.  They are brothers and very close best friends.  By the time they were two many folk thought they were twins the eldest was a wiry child and the younger with a little chubby and big for his age.  The one we adopted was told at a very early age and the other was born by cesarian section - depending on when they were asked about it by others they would switch.  Today it's still a little joke between them.  The family just care that they are their grandchildren and nephews.  They are 38 years old now with their own children.  We have never had any problems.

Maybe we don't have problems because I had 10 aunts and 2 uncles and 12 great aunts and 5 great uncles and most of them adopted children.  One of my cousins adopted 5 children and not all caucasian either and the children are in their 40's & 50's now.  Mind you we didn't know there was any  difference between biological and adopted children except that the adopted child had a different Mommy to start with.  Maybe it was a good thing.

I believe the adopted child should know, I believe when they ask a question it should be answered honestly but not elaborated on unless they question your answer.

I have found personally that being an only child has it's own problems.  

In our family the members are not outside of our family unit, they are family and definitely a part of it and will give you their opinion on any subject any time, whether you want it or not.

There are many benefits belonging to a large extended family.

Answer 2

I do  think that you have to be very careful when raising adopted children with your biological children.

I have seen homes where the biological children are obviously treated better and given more privileges than the adopted.  I have three biological and five adopted, my husband and I work diligently to try and treat them all the same.

When going through foster parenting classes, another man in the class was trying to drive home the fact that foster and adoptive kids wouldn't be treated the same.  He asked the question; If one of your biological children and one of your adopted children were drowning who would you save first?

At that time I didn't have anything other than my biological kids, but after growing a relationship with my adopted kids

I can honestly say I love them all the same!!

People who come into contact with us for the first time often

(after finding out some of our kids are adopted) tell us that they can't tell which ones are adopted and which are biological.  I find that to be quite a compliment.  That means I'm doing a good job at integrating our family.

Answer 3

Boy this was a good question and it even helped me. I have wondered if my grandson is going to be treated different from the couple's child they are going to have soon.

  In my case(my grandson was put up for adoption illegal and my son wasn't terminated and the child can't be adopted, but the jury went for best interest since they had manage to keep him from my son for 18 months)

   I hope and pray that if my son don't get him back in appeals then they won't treat him different. Children are a gift from God and no one should make them feel anything other than that.

  My son has met the woman's parents but not the man's parents. We saw neither sets of parents in court where my son family all of us where there. A different family member for each day of trial.

Answer 4

I think it can go both ways. I've heard people on this forum talk about their aparents loving their bio children more.

I've only had personal experience with this from one couple who is in their 60's. They have an adopted son who is 33. They adopted him as a baby. 2 years later they miraculously got pregnant with their daughter. She is 30. They seem to be a happy stable family who love each other very much. In fact, their bio daughter adopted her own child. I doubt she would have chosen adoption if it would have been bad for her family growing up. When we chose to adopt our son, we thought we might also have bio children as well. We consulted their whole family to see how the dynamics were having a bio child and an adopted child. They all said there was no difference. The bio daughter even went on to jokingly say that she always felt her adopted brother was shown more favortism than her.

This is my only personal experience with this situation. I'm sure that it is not always like this.

Answer 5

I've walked into my son's adoptive family's home and seen mom and her bio-son shoulder to shoulder cooking dinner, my son was no where in the mix even though I was the "guest".

I've sat in my son's adoptive family home and heard his reactions to conversations - they were reactionary BECAUSE he had no clue as to what they were talking about! No clue because he has/had no interest in the subject matter, which adad and both male biological children just seemed naturally inclined toward.

I saw my 21 year old son struggle with the lack of knowledge base, as did I when I was visiting. It seemed to be a type of "fun torture" for the bio kid to ask questions which only he could answer. Center stage - oh so f*cking smart, brilliant child of the adopters. He rather disgusted me.

Although I know that my son sees this guy as his brother, the interaction between them was NOT how I experienced brotherly love with my older brother, and I was sorry for my son, to see the tension and what I thought to be derision.

When I placed my child, I thought that I was making some kind of informed decision to place him with a family who had already raised one adopted son, but you know, I don't know that it helped at all. I still feel like my son is looked at as some how "less" by his aparents because what comes easily to him is not valued by his adoptive parents. They value the esteemed degree and the jargon that comes with it. My son and I share a more visceral artistic connection that has been denigrated in my presence.

These are my perceptions as a biological mother to a child raised in an adoptive home. Maybe they don't mean anything, but I bet they do. As an outsider, I don't know the family dynamics, but when I put together what I have seen with the fact that my son told me that he always felt different, I tend to believe my eyes, my ears, and my heart.

I don't know, I just think that I gave him a hard life, a huge burden to carry as the consequence of my youth and naivete.

Edit: Just wanted to edit to say that I don't think that my son doesn't love his afamily or that they don't love him, but it's gotta be different and growing up is tough enough.

Edit x2: Oh Noodles, isn't it so nice that you are "allowed" to answer the question. It almost feels like free speech in Russia doesn't it? And why do you think Sunny gave Myra thumbs down? Maybe I did...you sure as h**l don't know.

Answer 6

I think that it depends on the family.  I personally know of adult adoptees who were raised in a family with biological children, and they had wonderful childhoods (one of my friend's actually say her parents seemed to prefer her adoptive brother to her).  But, I know adult adoptees who are on the other side of the spectrum.

I don't think anyone's childhood is ever perfect.  Parents, by nature of being human, make mistakes.  The case you mentioned, well those parents should NOT be allowed to have children period.   If they want to "give back" one child, they should be forced to "give back" all their children (though, of course, I know they can't actually give back their biological children, but you know what I mean).  Whenever I hear of a disrupted adoption, my heart sinks, I can't imagine what has to be going through everyones mind at the time, but I try not to be too judgemental, because some people, well just aren't meant to be parents....  However, this is not a disrupted adoption to me, it is someone relinquishing their child for adoption after seven years.  These people have no clue how to be good parents, and their other children will also have a hard time "adjusting" to their family.  Yes, there is loss in adoption, but a seven year old child, who was adopted as an infant, will not be focusing on this loss yet, she is too young to understand just how much she has lost, so the parents are very much to blame.  If this was a teenager, I would agree that this was about the loss, but a seven year old is just not capable of...understanding I guess.  I don't know how else to put that.

Again, if people are adopting just to fill the gap left by infertility, well then they shouldn't be adopting.  I know that is harsh, but it is the truth.  Adoption IS NOT about getting children for parents, but for getting parents for children.  If someone is adopting, and has yet to mourn the loss of carrying a biologically related child, they will NOT make good adoptive parents and should not be allowed to adopt until they have shown that they have worked through their loss in some way.  

I have a lot to say, but I fear I am rambling on and on right now.  

Favoritism can happen in any family, whether the children are biologically related to the family or adopted, or both.  People who show favoritism to biological children over adopted children, just because the child is adopted, well they need to NOT adopt.  Just because you all of a sudden have a baby, does not mean you can back out of your adoptive child's life.  If you do, you are shallow and callous.  You really shouldn't have become parents in the first place.

These people need their biological children taken from them.   Maybe then they will see the damage they are doing to this poor little girl.

ETA:  I thought this question was about the little girl who was being given up after seven years of being adopted.  I read this article now,  and I cannot believe the way some people think.  A child is a child is a child.  Some people just shouldn't be allowed to have children.  And they especially shouldn't be allowed to adopt them.

Answer 7

I'm sure you heard about that story going around in adoption circles about parents giving up their adopted child because the mother got pregnant. That kid is now in China with a Korean citizenship, no American citizenship, and no parents. Also, btw, if you're Sunny Jo from Sweden, then your K@W email addresses aren't working. Please message me with your email address.

Answer 8

This is an interesting question.  I've often wondered about the perspective of children who were adopted, and how they would view the relationships and dynamics between parents, bio children, and adopted children.

I think there are definitely a LOT of cases where parents would have stronger or 'deeper' feelings for their biological children.  This is natural, after all, most people desire to pass on their genes to offspring.

However, I genuinely believe that there are some, if not many, people who are able to fully and wholeheartedly love any child who comes into their family equally.  What I've often questioned though is if that love is going to be enough to convince an adopted child that they really are 'first choice', just as much as a natural child is, or are they always going to feel like an outsider?

I'm not adopted, but trying to put myself in that place, I personally think that many children (and adults), who were adopted, would always feel at least different to the rest of their siblings.

I honestly think there would always be some sense of being 'displaced', regardless of how good the communication or bond between parent and child was. They would possibly wonder why they were the one to look different, act different, have different talents, etc.

Anyway, in my situation, I wanted to be a foster parent ever since I thought about having kids.  I've thought about this same question many, many times, and I honestly feel that it would be in my children's best interests not to have any biological children.  I know I wouldn't feel any differently, but it would kill me to think that my kids ever felt like second best.

Answer 9

I found this article to be very interesting.

For me - my parents had 2 bio kids - then couldn't have any more - I was adopted 14 years later. They were going to adopt a little boy after me - but my adoptive father died tragically.

I 'thought' - at times - that my a-mum loved my sibs more than me. But - now as an adult - I relalise that she didn't - she loved us all with all of her heart. Maybe she loved us in different ways - I know she was confused with me when I was a teenager - as I was so different from her bio kids. When kids are your bio kids - you have some sense of how they will act / react at times because you can look at yourself, your husband and at other bio family members for clues. My a-mum didn't have a clue where I got my traits from. (one of the many problems with closed adoption - in my opinion)

(and after meeting up with my bio sister - I still find it amazing to be in a room with another that is SO bio related to me - we are so alike - and only share the same mother!!)

I think bio's and adoptees can be 'done' together - but parents just need to be more aware of various possible outcomes.

It doesn't help the mix - when an adoptee may already have many insecurities about their place in the world (due to losing their bio family - for whatever reason) and every little event - can be blown out of proportion in the adoptees head.

Ultimately - my a-mum sadly has passed away - but to this day - my sibs and I are very very close. We would move the earth for each other - if the need arose.

It comes down to the love my a-mum showed us - and taught us to show others. Our house was always an open house for all those that had no where to go - and my a-mum never discriminated against anyone in her life.  She had a very large heart.

Answer 10

I know when I placed my daughter, I wanted the couple to have no children of their own (adopted or bio).  I wanted my baby to be their first.  I was lucky enough to find the right couple.  But I never really thought about it from the perspective of favoritism or anything.  I just wanted to ensure she would get all the attention I knew I would have been unable to give her (ok, so maybe I am thinking of favoritism).

Answer 11

I was the crowning glory of the family for 6 years. I was the first daughter, grandchild and niece. My adopted brother is two years younger and he was the first son, grandson, nephew and the "baby"...

Then my aunt got pregnant. Suddenly nobody on my amom's side cared too much about me and my bro. No cards or gifts, no visits unless they were already in the city and staying with the "real" grandbabies. I actually called my grandmother out on this when I was 10. I honestly wanted to know why she didn't love us anymore. When my amom passed away they cut all ties with us. I haven't spoken with anyone in that family in over 10 years now, and the last few visits were brutal.

My adad remarried and within 18 months I had a baby "sister" shortly after that I had my house key taken away and was only allowed in my home when my dad or his wife were home. The door to my room was removed and I was given very strict rules. I had to be in bed by 9, no TV after 8, no friends allowed, no phone calls after 8, I had to be out of the house by 7:30 am, the doors were locked and the alarm set at 9 pm. When my sister was18 months I was evicted from my home. The day after my seventeenth birthday.

Bio kids were always shown more love and respect than I was.

Answer 12

That's a good question.

I know three families with bio and adopted.

The adoptees had serious problems starting

in their teens.

Bio kids had no problems.

Answer 13

Interesting article Sunny.

My two cents on it being an adoptee and my parents having biological children. I can say that they love me just the same and anything they would do for their biological children they would do for me and the other way around. That also goes for my  eldest brothers who are my dad’s step-sons. I never felt loved any less or any more then my brothers. If i felt special at all it was over being the youngest and only girl   From the families I know who have a mix of bio and adopted children, its the same they would do anything including die for any of their kids bio or adopted.  This is just my experience and that of those I personnel know

The woman in this article Rebecca should not have adopted, imo. She even states that she wanted 3children but due to health risk she couldn’t. So why couldn’t she just be happy with the two she had?  She even had to convince her husband of adoption. She didn’t even love the girl for several years, felt weird calling the child  her daughter. I guess I could understand instant love not occurring rightaway  but for it to take several years to me is just weird.  My parents have told me they  loved  me the minute I was placed with them, in fact since I was nameless they called me Precious for several weeks. That was with  me just being a foster baby they didn’t know they would end up adopting me since I was suppose to only be with them temporarily

If you notice this woman wanted a baby but ended up with a child nearly 4, so she probably wasn’t prepared to deal with some the issues an older child has.

Clearly it depends on the people as the article showed some agree with it others don’t. The lady who sees no difference between any of her children adopted or born to her and would die for any of them. Then you have the lady that says she would do almost anything for her adopted child but anything for her bio child.  

So no I don’t think its worse for an adopted child(ren) to be raised amongst biological children, unless the parents clearly favor their birthchildren. It could go the same way for biological children who have adopted children. If their parents treat the adopted kids more special because they are adopted. As long as the parents love both kids equally and the child(ren) knows that it’s fine. If i felt special at all it was over being the youngest and only girl. Yes all love is different but so is the love of all relationships, some parents probably love all the children slightly differently regardless if they are birthsiblings or adopted but the love is equal.

I do know some adoptees have parents who favor their biographically children even love them more. I do feel sorry for these adoptee's and it probably would have been healthier for them to be in home with all adopted children. It just makes me more gratefully that I was adopted into the family that I was.

Answer 14

I believe it has alot to do with the morals and values of a family.  My mother has 4 biological children and 4 adopted children.  Do I think of them as adopted...NO.  I was 14 when my mother first adopted my sister and I never once thought she wasn't apart of us.  I knew she didn't have the same bloodlines but I didn't hold that against her.  All I knew is that she was going to be apart of my family and I would love her regardless.  When people ask me how many siblings I have I say 11.  I don't say they are adopted or not and I mention my half siblings as well because they are family.  My mom taught me that loving someone wholeheartedly can be a miracle.  The ethnic background or how they came to be was not important.  Laughing Together, Fighting over the Tv, Saying Grace at the Dinner Table, Backing one another up...that is what she taught us.  A strong family with no malice can make a adopted child feel like everyone else.  

Best Wishes and Happy Holidays

Answer 15

I don't think that having biological children will necessarily result in one outcome or the other - even though it can have effects.  

For one thing, contrary to what some people have said, you actually CAN love you adopted children as much (or even more) than your biological children.  Maybe some people can't, but I would wager that most people can.  I don't really know how you'd study that, but at least some people can.  I know from personal experience just how strong the attachment to an adopted child can be.  

I'm not sure, however, about how easy it is for biological children to adopt a sibling.  This does not seem to be a problem if the adopted child is already part of the family when the biological child is born, but could pose a problem for biological children who are already there during the adoption process.  I know for a fact that I was never as comfortable with my adopted brothers as I was with the others - though in all honesty, I wasn't very close with any of them.  I loved them very very much.  One of my worst nightmares as a child was of one of them dying, and the pain I felt in that dream can still be recalled.  I just wasn't... as comfortable with them.  I believe now that this was primarily because my brothers were so close in age to me, and yet so impossibly far from me because of their handicaps.  I can never be sure though.  If you already have children, and are considering adopting, make sure you pay extra attention to how your current children feel about the whole process.  

Now, some parents who adopt may not be able to feel the same for the adopted child as they do if they have biological children.  However, it is important that not every difference you see is due to this.  Even in biological families, parents can have favorites - relating to one child better than others.  Most often love is different for each child.  Every bond carries it's own emotions.  

On the other hand, people who already have kids know what being a parent means.  They won't have false hopes that the baby will be able to "fix" something within themselves.  This is a good benefit.  I know a major concern some adoptees have is that some people are so into self gratification that they put off having children until they've done everything else.  You obviously don't want "having a kid" to just be another item on the checklist.  When they have other children, the chance of that goes down.

Answer 16

Sunny, I guess you can't imagine adopting a group of siblings who are orphaned, either. I've known lots of adoptees, too, and have never witnessed what you claim. They are just as close to their siblings and parents as they would be as only children and equally loved.

My daughter is an only. Some days she wants a sibling and other days, (after playing with some of her friends) she says for me to never get married and never to adopt another child. She loves being the only child. It's a tremendously difficult decision.

I can't believe you would give Myra a thumbs down. You asked a question but are angry that she relayed her experiences. I loved reading her story and Military Mama's. I miss my huge family tremendously and I wish my daughter could have what they speak of. Blessings and thanks to both of you for your stories. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to both of you and your wonderful families. Best Wishes.

Answer 17

I can only answer this question from my own experience. And my answer is in NO WAY a generalization.  

I was placed in a foster home at 15 months & adopted at 3 by my foster family. I was the youngest in the family with two older brothers & an older sister.  My siblings were the biological children of my a-mom.  She married our dad after divorcing their bio-dad.  Our dad raised us all as his own. He had been previously married, & had two still born daughters. I knew I was adopted, but didn't know the REST of the story until I was about 12.  

My father & siblings wanted to adopt me. My a-mom was not too keen on the idea.  I found this out when I was a teenager (she'd told my best friend's mom - & later confirmed it to me directly.)  I believe she felt she had no choice BUT to agree to my adoption since they'd married about a year & 1/2 earlier.

Growing up, I knew my sister was my a-mom's favorite among ALL of us. My sister was certainly her favorite over me. My sister & I are very different.  Rather than appreciate us for the things we excelled at individually, I was ridiculed for the things I didn't do as "good as" my sister.  

Fortunately, the favoritism never hurt our relationship.  I adored my big sister (still do).  She was very kind & loving & was in many ways a mother figure to me.  

My a-mom's other least favorite child was my oldest brother (her first born).  She'd had him out of wedlock & wanted to give him up for adoption but was 'forced' by her mother to keep him.  So, at least I wasn't the lone "black sheep".  LOL

I was a daddy's girl.  It occurred to me a few years back to ask my sister if she thought I was dad's favorite.  She did.  We both laughed about it.    

The ironic thing is that my a-mom would tell me she "chose me" & she had to take what she got with the others.  Which seemed the nicest thing she ever said.  It's only been in the past few years that I've realized just WHAT she 'chose me' for.  

I won't go into detail, but it's fair to say that most of the physical abuse I endured was her doing.  Along with a LOT of emotional abuse.  Much of this happened after my brothers & sister were gone from the house.  Until very recently, they knew nothing of it.  

The only reason I finally told them is because they kept questioning me & pushing me to "make up" with their mom.  I haven't called her 'mom' in over 10 years.  A couple days after my father died, she left a hateful message on my voice mail.  She basically "unadopted" me.  

That same crazy woman is the one who gave me the information I needed to find my birth mother & let me know it wouldn't hurt her feelings if I searched.  She wasn't ALL bad.

OK...now please, ppl, don't freak out.  I also had positive experiences growing up.  And I realize that my story is not the normal adoption story.  I'm not "bitter".  Nor am I anti-adoption.  I believe it's the best option in certain circumstances, & sadly sometimes the only option.  

In my particular case, had welfare been available in the early '60's, my birth mother probably could have kept me.  But it wasn't.  Also, it was MUCH easier to take children from their parents back then.  

Today, children aren't removed from drug addicted & abusive parents until the parents are in jail & much damage has already been done.

Edit: Sunny, thanks BTW  for the article - VERY INTERESTING!  And for a great question.  I did feel different from my siblings & family, kinda like an outsider.  However, I didn't notice this until I was 17 or 18.

2nd Edit: The favoritism became blatantly apparent when I had children.  Especially my 2nd child.  Because he is handicapped, my a-mom didn't want him to be included in family gatherings.  My sibs did, tho!!  

Sadly even with my daughter, who was in the gifted & talented program in school, my parents didn't make it to her HS graduation in the same state; but traveled literally across the country to attend my brother's son's graduation.   Oh yeah! They didn't attend MY graduation, tho they lived in the same TOWN.  I was the only one of their 4 children to graduate HS (& later college).  But seriously, I'm NOT BITTER.  : )  

Lastly, I just want to add...I do believe some people CAN open their hearts to family, how ever it is formed.  My daughter is this way. Family is family, by marriage, birth, step or adopted.  To all of you a-parents & adopted sibs who DO have an open heart, I honestly & sincerely commend you.

Answer 18

I can only speak from my own personal experience.  I grew up the youngest child.  I have 2 older brothers who were both biological to my adoptive parents.  I was the only adopted child therefore.  I think your question really depends on the parents themselves and how they act.  My own parents never showed favoritism at all towards their biological children.  Neither did they try to assuage some sort of misplaced guilt by trying to make me feel MORE special than their bio children.  We were treated equally, and I was never made to feel different in any way from my brothers nor from other children period.  My parents dealt with adoption with pride, not treating it like it was something to be ashamed of.  In that way, they set a certain tone in our home that allowed my brothers to see me the same way and to love me the same.    

I can't say whether it's GENERALLY worse or better for adopted kids to grow up in a home with biological children or not.  In my case, it didn't affect me at all.

Answer 19

Interesting question!  

As an adoptive mom, I love my son with my entire heart and would give my life for him if need be.  I cannot imagine loving another child more than him in any way - whether biological or adopted.  

Your question interested me because we have talked about adopting again, and one of the things that holds us back is whether or not our son would feel "slighted" or that he wasn't "good enough" if we adopted (which is NOT the case).   After reading some of the adoptees' feelings on this board, we do consider how our son will feel once he is older and we certainly do not want to put him in a situation where he feels that he was not good enough for us or someone else.  We love him dearly and another child would never change that, but we are concerned as to how he may feel when he gets older.

Thanks for the question.