Is it wrong for a mother to wish her son was more attractive?

Question

I know this sounds terribly wrong, but my (16-year-old) son is so ugly and I can’t help wishing he was more attractive.

He is short, overweight and very pale (which looks ridiculous with his dark hair), and he’s very shy and quiet.

I always wanted a handsome, tall, confident son, and even though my boy is hardworking and smart, I can’t help but feel SO incredibly disappointed in him. I can’t think where he got these unattractive genes from.

I have never said any of this to him of course, although I have tried to get him to lose weight.

I know this is such a horrible thing to say, and I’m afraid God will punish me for it.

Is it very wrong for a mother to wish her son was attractive? Does anyone else ever feel this way? What should I do?

Please help. Thank you.

Answer 1

Wow! That makes me sad to hear you say that! You may have not said those things to your son, but I' sure he must sense your feelings on some level. Can you imagine how bad that would make him feel? He can't help what he looks like and I highly doubt he is "ugly." He may not fit your definition of "handsome," but that doesn't mean he isn't handsome. Looks, like any form of art, is subjective and beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone is beautiful to someone! Focus on what you love about your son, and not something as shallow as looks. He needs and deserves your uconditional love!

Answer 2

Thank you for sharing this.  I've often wondered if people feel this way.  I've only just come to realize my mother's been jealous of me.  I was always thin.  

Maybe you can help him by taking him out & buying him more attractive clothes & a nice haircut.  I've often thought what if I have ugly children.  I guess I've been dillusional because I keep thinking my children will be beautiful----they will be of two different cultures and a lot of mixed people are really beautiful, Haley Berry for example.  

I think you should learn to accept your son for who he is.  Never tell him you're disappointed with his looks...you never know he may blossom.  Men sometimes do that.

Answer 3

no its not wrong but dont disspare , 16 is such and unattractive age for boys , give him a few years , if he is still ugly then . sorry he is ugly lol  but you should get him to the gym , his weight can be fixed and you need to do it for him for his health.

Answer 4

It is not wrong to wish your son was more attractive, it is only natural as of course all parents want the best for their child and good looks are a part of that. However you should not be feeling disappointed in him, it isnt his fault. I would continue to encourage him to lose weight and just remember that the most important thing is what''s inside, not out

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Answer 5

Feelings are not wrong or right--they just are.  Acting upon these feelings can be wrong or right.  As hard as you try to hide your feelings, I can almost guarantee that your son is sensing them, and maybe that's a part of his weight issue.  Also, he is still young, he's not done growing and his features may still change.  If you pick up any old yearbook the many people in them are gawky and kind of awkward looking.  As adults, however, the same people look completely different.  I really would not dwell on his looks so much as I would on his well being.  The way to do that is to first figure out why looks are so important to you.

Answer 6

I find it really hard to understand a mother truly feeling as you say you do.  It sounds like you are taking it as a personal insult.  I would think that you would like for your son to be happy in his life.

No, God does not punish you for things like this, but it is entirely possible that, even though you have not said it in so many words, he understand your irrational attitude.  If so, he must be incredibly hurt, and may just turn around and hurt YOU somehow.

Sounds like you need some counseling.

Answer 7

First of all, if he is overweight that is your own fault for letting him get that way. You buy the food in your house right?

Why don't yoy suggest that he exercises with you.

That is really a horrible thing to say. I don't know how ANY mother could feel that way.

I am sure you didn't tell him-but don't think he doesn't see your dissapointment.

Answer 8

lol, mothers are suppose to love their child, regardless of anything. Your son probably suffers with low self-esteem because his mom never had confidence in him.

I hope your son finds someone that loves him for what he has, and not what he doesn't have.

Answer 9

I will never understand how a mother could ever feel this way about her children.  You are not only saying that your son is not attractive physically, you are also complaining about his shyness.  Instead of looking on the negative side, look for something positive here.  Did you ever stop to think that his shyness may be because he feels that you think this way about him.  You are afraid that God will punish you- did you realize that your son is the son that God created for you and your husband. You aren't only complaining about your son, but you are complaining about how God made him.

Answer 10

Short, overweight,pale,dark hair, shy, quiet....Sorry but Its your fault, all off it! Short ,dark hair -genes...overweight-why did you feed him so much? pale-I bet you did nothing to get him to play out side in the sun as a child, hence him being overweight. shy and quiet--maybe you were not there enough to teach him a personality. I bet this kid has a hundred video games. You cant blame your son for your mistakes.

Answer 11

Your son may feel like he looks the way you see him .. you can help him feel more confident.. help him shop and buy more hip clothes and take him for a hair change.. make a lifestyle change for your entire family with diet and exercise.. you can't expect him to want to change if you are making it seem like he is the outcast... at 16 he still has some growing to do my cousin didn't start growing until then and he is almost 6ft now and at 16 he was maybe 5'4.. give him time and let him be a kid..

Answer 12

Yes, its wrong on SO many levels.  You should be down on your hands and knees thanking god that (a) you were blessed enough to have a child, and (b) that he is happy and healthy.  Would you feel better if he were never born??  Would you feel better if he was drop dead gorgeous but had a severe disability of some sort??  Where the heck are your priorities??????  

I have a son with autism.  I have bigger things to worry about than whether I like the color of his hair or not.  Good god.

What should you do?  Get help.  For your sake and your sons.

Answer 13

Wow I dont even know what to say. I could never imagine thinking my son was ugly. He is the most handsome thing I have ever seen in my life. About a week ago he got stung my a mesquito right by his eye and he is allergic to them so his eye puffed up to the size of a golf ball and he is only 16 months old, and even then I thought he was the most cutest little thing that has ever blessed my life. I think you should pray to God and thank him that you have been blessed with a son in the first place. Some people aren't even lucky enough to have kids. Help your son to feel good about him self not make him feel bad. you need help not him.

Answer 14

yes its a horrible thing to say.  sometimes i look at kids and think d**n, they're ugly.  but looking at my own child, i dont know if he's cute or not because to me, he's the most beautiful thing ive ever seen!  and whether he were hideous or so attractive, he cast a spell over all girls and women, i would think he was beautiful because my love for him makes him look that way to me.

i honestly had to ask other people and pretend he wasnt my son just to see if he were cute or not cause i swear i didnt know... to me, he was just everything.  even when i saw a skeletal picture of him before he was born, i thought he was beautiful.

i dont know how i could ever think that he wasnt absolutely perfect.  and i dont know how you could think otherwise about your own son.  but im not being judgemental.  you have a right to feel how you feel.  but i do think it's kinda bad.  but then again, what do i know?

Edit* I also want to add that children are gifts.  I find myself (even though in the past i havent been very spiritual) thanking God everyday or almost everyday for my son.  And I wonder how my life was ever complete without him... im sure your son is absolutely beautiful.  just look at him and really see him.  see him for the gift that he is.  you made him.  he's a part of you.  that has to be beautiful.

Answer 15

It's quite saddening to think a Mother could think this of her own child and is a mean thing to even think of. You might be aware that your son could be better looking, but you have to be happy with what he is. He got them genes from his parents and you're one of them, so don't be so quick to critisise. I think it shows a lot about you to be saying this about your own son. Have you ever thought that maybe his insecurity is because he knows how you feel? You might not ever say any of this to him, but have you ever told him he's handsome or looks good?

Children need this kind of encouragement off their parents, even teenagers. I bet he's never had it from you and he will pick up on your feelings more easily than you think. Everyone has their faults and we're always aware of them but when you love someone you have to look past that. It's not how they really look, but your love for them that makes them beautiful. My guess is that you are incredibly shallow, this isn't a quality in a person - trust me. If you loved your son, you'd find him beautiful no matter what. Instead of feeling disappointed in him, help him lose weight and work on his confidence. If it's things he is having problems with then you need to stop focusing on yourself and start concentrating on how your son might feel. Have you ever wondered why he's the weight he is? Somewhere along the line, something has gone wrong with your parenting. The fact that you are disappointed in him for looks shows that you are selfish and shallow. You should be glad that he's hardworking and smart, because that's what matters. How can you be disappointed in him for being shy and quiet - that's probably just his personality and there's nothing wrong with it.

I think you know the answer to this question, I think maybe you should seriously look at yourself as a person and as a Mother. And I just hope to God that your poor son grows up to find someone who appreciates him for who he is, because his Mum clearly doesn't.

Answer 16

Your son is probably shy and quiet because he picks up on your feelings, get over it!  This is exactly what's wrong with this world, people that think looks actually matter.  As far as what GOD thinks, he will punish you for it, do you think when you meet your maker he's gonna say it was ok that you judged your own son?  If you judge your own son this way I'd hate to see how you judge the rest of the world!  Everyone is different for a reason, you should just focus on giving your son the skills to feel good about himself instead of making it worse.  You don't have to say things out loud for ppl to pick up on them!!!  Teach your son to LOVE himself and others for what they are not what they look like!

Answer 17

Maybe he gets it from his mother