Is it wrong not to want to contact BIOS?

Question

I have never wanted to find my bio mom, not because I fear rejection as she didn't reject her children. I know what happened and she was a victom of people sticking their nose in where it didn't belong. I have never tried to find her because I don't want to bring any more pain to her than she has already endured. I had someone tell me the other day that I am being selfish. Is it selfish to think about her feelings? As far as the bio father he has been dead for a few years now. just want some opionions on this. No snide remarks please.

Answer 1

No, you do what is right for you.

Answer 2

Nope.   Whether to search or not should be the choice of the adoptee.  It is all up to you and people should respect your decision.

Answer 3

Of course its not wrong its every adoptees and even birthparents choice if they want to attempt to contact their birthfamily.

Answer 4

It is your choice entirely.  I'm sorry if the person who told you  that you are "being selfish" is a close friend or family member, but I think that the person is out of line.  If you feel that your bio mother would be hurt by contacting her, your judgment should not be questioned by outsiders.

Answer 5

No, it's not wrong, but don't assume you know how she'd feel about it now.  

You don't have to actively seek her, but consider that if you are open to meeting her, then you could always register as being open to it with the adoption agency, and that way if she chooses to find you, she'll be able to do so.  

If you aren't interested in meeting her at all, then just leave everything as it is.

Whether you want to meet her or not is totally up to you, but never assume you know what someone else might feel about it.  You could be right, or you could be way off base in your assumption.

Answer 6

I think you are being nice to think about her feelings, but speaking as a birthmom, my bdaughter and I are very happy to have been reunited and I think you will do what is right for you.

Answer 7

It's not wrong.

A couple thoughts, however.

One--I don't care WHO told you what, you will never know the whole story until you talk to her.

Two, since you have said you are so happy about being adopted, wouldn't it be KIND to meet with her, and let her know how well things have turned out for you?  I believe that would be an act of kindness.

Answer 8

No its not wrong - I have never had a strong desire to do so either. And now I am in my late 30's I dont believe it would do any of the parties any good if I did

Answer 9

No it's not wrong. If you are not with your bio mom then there is a reason for it, you seem to have many answers and thats why most people go onto look for bio parents, for answers. Its not selfish, and even though what others say will affect you, it doenst matter what they say or think, its all on you. do what you want and dont let others influence your decisions too much

Answer 10

No, you are well within your rights to not want to contact them.

Don't let anyone tell you any different.  

You are being generous by thinking of her feelings.  But, trust me, if you want to find her she will probably be happy to see that you have grown into a fine, caring person.  She won't feel pain in meeting you, esp. if she was forced or tricked into the adoption.

I know if I had been forced into the adoption process against my will I would be thrilled to have my child look me up.  

I understand your feelings, too.  And I respect them.  Don't let anyone tell you you are selfish.  You are giving up the ultimate..a chance to meet the person who gave birth to you.

Answer 11

I never wanted to find my biological parents.  To me it simply meant that I was satisfied with who I am and who adopted me!  My birthmother found me when I was 35 and I was shocked.  It has turned out ok, but she is not my mom.  Her daughters and i have became sisters though and I think that is good!

Answer 12

Of course it's not wrong...you feel how you feel and you have every right to feel it.

I'd just be very midful of why you're choosing not to contact her...you say it's because you don't want to bring any more pain into her life?  While that's wonderful of you to be so mindful of her feelings, I just hope you're not selling yourself short by trying to protect her.

But in the end, it's always your decision and nobody should tell you otherwise.

Answer 13

If you don't have the desire, then there is no reason to do so.  According to one adoption reunion registry, many adopted men never search for their n-parents.   Many women don't search until they have children of their own or have reached their 30s or 40s.  However, at the same time, you might spend the time and do a little searching to see if she is searching for YOU!

Answer 14

No, it's not wrong to not want to contact her. If in the future she contacts you, just explain to her why you felt it was best to not contact her. If she doesn't, then continue with your life, as happy as you are. You're not being selfish.

Answer 15

I dont think its wrong at all. I think you need to do whats best for you, not for anyone else. I bet your bmother knows that one day you might want contact, they all know that. I was very reluctant to bother with mine, I was just curious about why and things like that. It has maybey answered a few questions but thats about it. I dont class her as family because she isnt my family.

At the end of the day its all about you.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do though x

Answer 16

Daisey, daisey, daisey!

No, it's absolutely not wrong in any way.  Unfortunately, there are so many people who put out the false perception that we, as adoptees, MUST need healing (from what?), MUST have a hole in our lives, must be less than whole, must be needy, not know who we are, that we must have a problem to be normal and if we don't have a problem with our adoptee status, then we're not normal and are in denial or angry, etc.  They insist on wearing their adoptee as a badge of pain/honour.

as an adult adoptee who was hunted down by my birthparents, i assure you i could've gone my entire life without knowing hte circumstances of my relinquishment.  after all, life wasn't a bed of roses or they would've kept me, right?

and this does not mean my parents brainwashed me either.  it just means that they raised me to be a secure, productive adult with a full sense of who i am . . .names on a piece of paper won't change that.

you are not being selfish; you are just being true to yourself.  adoptees like you and I are part of the silent majority.  normally, an adoptee who doesn't care about their adoptee status won't be surfing the boards so you won't get their opinion; it's the ones who must find/hunt down others that are so vocal and stamp out the majority of adoptees who just don't care about bio-families and are fine with their REAL families.

Answer 17

no

Answer 18

No, that's your choice entirely

I'm glad you know the truth of your origins, I would also like to know mine.   Like you, I'm tired of people telling ME that's wrong and selfish also!

p.s.  I'm not 'hunting anyone down' lol - If I'm hunting for anything, I'm hunting for the truth about ME

All the best

Answer 19

No, of course not, this is your personal choice.  I have felt the same way about my bio mother.  I'm at a time in my life where I think these feelings might be changing...but that is just where I am right now.  You have to follow your heart...

Even at a time in my life when I positively didn't want to find my bio family, I always felt that if they wanted to find me I would be open to it.  I would never turn them away as I felt   it would be a small something I could give back.  I also greatly respect their right to privacy.  I decided to put my name in  mutual registries so as to honor their privacy but also make it easier if they should want to find me.

Adoption is such a personal journey and no one can or should tell you how to feel, or react.   Just trust yourself.

Answer 20

Well, I have two sons, who are not my flesh and blood.  I raised them from very small, and they know that I am not their dad, and that's fine.  They call me by my name and always have.  They have never wanted any contact with their father and I think that is fine.  They know who raised them, who took them to ball practice, who went with them to the principles office, who taught them how to drive.  They are my kids, I love them they love me, the other one, well,  he's out there, and that's just fine.

Answer 21

Searching is a right (in my mind)--not an obligation!  If you don't want to search you should not feel guilty for not searching.  You should act on your feelings.  Your bmom is an adult.  If she wants to search for you, she can.  

One of my biggest motivators for searching was curiosity.  You say that you know what happened.  That explains to me why you might not care to search.

Answer 22

No, it's not inherently wrong to not want to contact them.  But, you are making the decision in part on how you presume your first mother may feel.  My first father was searching for me.  Our reunion has brought him much happiness, peace and healing.  My first mom passed some time ago, so no reunion.  

Anyway, you first mother may, in fact, feel pain due to NOT making contact with you.  It is not selfish to think of her feelings, but you don't know what they are.  Studies and surveys show that 99% of first parents want some kind of contact, so there is a strong likelihood that she may feel that way.  Again, no one knows for certain how she is feeling, but you may want to consider possibly sending a letter and giving her the option for further contact.  Letters are pretty non-intrusive, and it gives her the opportunity to process things before responding.

Answer 23

No it's not wrong.  Each adoptee needs to settle this question for themselves.  (Though, adoptees can and do change their mind after they think they've settled it.)

That said, you can't know what her feelings are.  Unless you've been in touch (directly or through a third party) you can't know whether contact would be painful or a relief.  Several first moms that I've heard from report not wanting to search for fear of interrupting their child's life.  They crave contact, but won't initiate it.  So the fact that she hasn't contacted you doesn't mean she doesn't want contact.  

In my mind, you should make this decision based on your feelings.  If you want to contact her, then you should do so.  (If she doesn't want contact, then she has the opportunity, at that point, to say so.  And I would say her wishes should be respected.)  If you don't want to contact her, then you aren't wrong not to do so.

But I didn't speculate as to whether my first mom wanted contact before I searched for her.  I couldn't know how she would react until I tried.  My decision had to be made for me, not for her.  I wasn't going to force contact where it wasn't wanted, but I wasn't going to abandon the attempt simply because there was a possibility that she wouldn't want it.

Does that make sense?

Answer 24

No, it's not "wrong" to not search.  You can't feel what you don't feel.  I would only call it wrong if you were out there fighting against open records for those of us who do want to know--y'know?

Adoption is a heckuva thing.  If you search, you are selfish for wanting to "impose yourself" on your first family.  If you don't search, apparently, you are also "selfish."

Answer 25

If in your heart you don't need to contact her don't. You know deep down what is right for you. Don't take in other people's negative opinion's. If some one gives you positive advice and maybe gives you a new prospective...absolutely consider the advice. But some one who blames you and calls you selfish probably has a few issues of their own.

Answer 26

Why is that wrong??? If anything your the one that went through alot, besides if your mother is ready she'll find you so just think of it as not pushing her to anything she's not ready for.

Answer 27

i was adopted when i was born and i do not know my bio mother. I am twety years old and have never met or seen my bio parents. No it is not wrong. I don't kow about you but my family has given me everything and i dont feel like i am missing anything. I also think that unless your friend was adopted, they have no idea what they are talking about. I also believe that if you are truly happy and that you love your family and you feel whole inside, it is not necc. I am sure that the reasoning for your BIO giving you up was a noble and humble decision, and extremely hard and for that I assume that she is an amazing and selfless lady. Thank her in your heart for the life you have everyday. But remember YOU HAVE A MOTHER ALREADY!!!!!!  (feel free to cotact me if you need someone to talk to who can uderstand you: [e-mail])

Answer 28

I don't think it's wrong.  Whatever happened to separate the two of you certainly wasn't your fault and everyone has the right to carve out a life for themselves.  You never know how you'll feel a few years from now.  You may change your mind.  And she could come looking for you at some point.  Then you would know that if you meet her that she wants that too and you can decide how you really feel about meeting her again.

Each person's situation is different and no one can tell you how to feel or what is right or wrong in your own situation.  As a child being adopted, selfish is the last emotion I would equate with what that child is feeling.  Regardless of your reason for not searching for your birth mother whether it is because you don't wish to cause her more pain or you don't wish to cause yourself more pain - that is not selfish.  It is what it is.  You do what you feel is right FOR YOU and you do it WHEN it feels right for you.  Good luck.

Answer 29

There is pain wether you find her or not. More than likely, you will bring her great joy. It will be a mixed bag and you will both need support. You are being considerate. Maybe too considerate. By this I mean, you have no idea how this would affect her, you are only guessing. Personally, it's just me, and you have to remember I am a first mom, I would like the opportunity to see my beloved daughter. Best wishes on whatever you decide.