Is it wrong that my sister's fiance did nothing for her birthday?

Question

He didn't buy her a card, flowers, a gift, take her out to dinner, he didn't really even acknowledge that it was her birthday at all!!! This really upset me because we are twins, and my boyfriend did a lot of nice things for me. But we aren't even engaged to be married!!!! I really feel like I should say something to him, but is that out of line? Our birthday was 2 days ago now, and he has yet to do ANYTHING!!! She is really hurt by this. But she is afraid to say anything because all he will do is get angry at her. In fact, on her birthday, he left her alone all day to go to a race with his dad! It was funny though, because the race got rained out at least. But still!! How would you feel if this happened to you? Why is he being such a jerk? I want to tell him that he better do something, anything to try to fix this, or there won't be anything TO fix.

Answer 1

I hope it isn't wrong. In my 28 years of marriage, my husband and I have done nothing for most of our birthdays or anniversaries. It just isn't our thing. My mother-in-law and several other people think it's horrible, but... It's worked well enough for us for 28 years that we're hoping for 28 more years together. Personally, I think our marriage has worked out so well because we do it our way and not the Hallmark way. For sure, the opinions of well-meaning family members have been more problem than solution. Be there for your sister, but let her and her fiancee work out their own solutions.

Answer 2

I would talk to him, nicely though, and ask him if he's noticed that your sister seems down. Explain that you beleive that she is hurt that he didn't do anything for her birthday, and that maybe he should do something, or go away with her for the weekend. Possibly in his family, maybe they never did anything for birthdays, and it just never occured to him that it would bother him. If he becomes a jerk about it, just remind him that you care for your sister and you don't like seeing her hurt.

Answer 3

This does happen to me.  It happens to a lot of people I know.  For some people birthdays are just not that big of a deal.  My last birthday, in June, my husband had to be reminded to even say Happy Birthday.  I know he loves me.  I know he wasn't being hurtful.  He just doesn't make an issue out of his birthdays and forgets other peoples' days as well.  (If it weren't for me his family wouldn't even get a card!)

Now, if I were you I would stay out of this.  If your sister is unhappy with this behavior it is up to her to make it known.  She will only be given what she is tolerating.  If she wants a big To-Do for her birthday then perhaps she should find someone who wants to give it to her.  Otherwise, don't be surprised next year, then the next, then the next when nothing happens on her day.

If you butt into this and even think about approaching him, I can guarantee you that things between you and your sister will change.  He will put his anger towards you out on her and you would have done nothing but cause chaos.  Your sister is a big girl.  Let her handle her own issues and you stay out.

Good luck.

--EDIT:  I really like how Gwen put it; "The Hallmark Way".  Isn't it a bit tiring of all the silly days we are 'supposed' to lavish gifts on others for?  Valentine's Day is nothing but a marketing tool designed to make people feel lowly and depressed if they don't so much as get a lollipop from someone.  Christmas has turned into a huge competition amongst family members to see who spends the most, who gets the most and who makes out with the best gifts.  Heck, most kids nowadays think that Easter is a holiday for chocolate bunnies and large gift baskets.  Ask them what the real meaning is and you'll get a blank stare!

Birthdays are creeping up there with those holidays as well.  Just like in this scenario if someone doesn't drop to their knees and produce Santa-loads of gifts to someone, the Birthday Girl/Boy pouts in a corner.

I think the best Birthday gift anyone could get is a simple donation to a charity to help third-world countries get clean water, non-perishable food items and clothing.  Do you think they get mad when they don't get cards on their birthdays, if they even know when theirs is?

Answer 4

The only time I feel he shouldn't need to make a fuss of her birthday would be if his religion doesn't celebrate birthdays but that doesn't seem to be the situation. If he knew it was her birthday, which I'm sure he did, he should have given her something and made her feel special. He sounds like a jerk to me, and maybe you should say something to him without bringing your sister into it because she doesn't want to marry someone like that who has no thought for his future wife.