Is it wrong to expect this?

Question

Is it wrong to expect my in-laws to accept a child their son and I are planning on adopting as one of their biological grandchildren. Here's the deal. My husband and I are going to adopt a child but my mother in law has made it clear that this child will never be like her own grandchildren. Is it wrong for me to think she should treat them all the same? She thinks we should have our own children but we have been trying for over y years and can't so we thought that adoption through foster care was just how we were meant to have children. PLEASE HELP, I don't know how to approach this problem.

Answer 1

First of all, congratulations on adopting!  Second, that child is yours and she should welcome him or her as if it were her own.  My husband and I each have a child from a previous relationship and each respective in law treats them as if they were their own.  If she can't respect the fact that you have so much love in your heart you want a baby so badly you are willing to give a child who may not have the opportunity for love like that otherwise then she doesn't need to be around any of you.  I wouldn't just cut her off though, if it turns out to be an issue (ie if the other grandchildren are treated better or get the best Christmas presents or whatever) then kindly tell her that this is your child and you want  what is best for him/her.  If that means not having a grandparent around then so be it.  She may then realize that this new little person is a part of you and therefore a part of her family sh might just come around.  Good luck and congrats again!

Answer 2

Legally, this child will be an heir to whatever her son inherits, and if you expose your child to her behavior, that could be imposed on him also.  My mom said my adopted son (my bio is 19, nephew 5, adopted son 7 months) was never going to fit in.  She told friends she was never going to hold him, was not going to love him or even go to the hospital to see him.  One look, & she was hooked, he's in the will, and she begs to babysit when she feels good.  Explain to her that God didn't give you children the biological way, but he blessed her with grandchildren in another way, and if she chooses not to see them as her own grandchildren, then you refuse to go to her house as her daughter in law, and her son should support you.  Hopefully, she'll be like my mom and love will overcome the way they got here.  Good luck!

Answer 3

Yes, she should accept your child just as she accepts all other grandchildren.  You can't change her though, so don't waste your time trying to convince her otherwise.  Hopefully, once you adopt a beautiful child, she'll learn to love him/her just as she loves her other grandchildren.  If she openly refers to the child as being different or not as special, then I wouldn't allow her to be part of his/her life at all.  Its horrible that some people are so closed minded.

Answer 4

You can't command her to be a specific kind of grandmother-even if it was her biological grandchild.

It's an unfortunate situation, knowing that your child will grow up feeling like he's not part of the family and that he's not valued as much as the other grandchildren. You might talk to a counselor before adopting and get some professional thoughts on how this shoudl be handles.

Answer 5

Agh! I can completely sympathize with you. We have been trying for 4 going on 5 years with no luck. I am very ready to adopt to start our family but I know my MIL doesnt think we should and wont look at the child as a grandchild. It makes me so angry especially when she says " Why dont you want children of your own?" If one more person says that to me after all the grief and pain I have been through trying to have a child.... ugh I cant even say what I will do.

Once we adopt I will give her a chance but if she doesnt treat him the same as her other grandchildren then we will not be around her anymore. I know my parents will be more than supportive and loving.

Answer 6

I think that you need to be honest with your mother in law. I do think that she should be able to accept the child as hers (ebause it will be!!) but she still might not. Also I am not sure how your husband feels but you might ask him to be the one to talk with her depending on his and his mother's relationship.

Answer 7

shes a jerk ..I wouldnt let her near any of your children "to come" Anyone who could be so cold to a child ..isnt worth their wieght in salt

Answer 8

I think it is SO wrong of her to make such a differentiation about the children.  I have three children.  My oldest is 15 and adopted, my middle is 13 and she was born to my wife and I and my youngest is only 2 months and she is adopted also.  Both sets of grandparents have been nothing but 100% head over heals in love with all of my children and have never made a difference between them.  From the moment these children can to live in my home they were my children and as such became their grandchildren.  

I don't really know how you should approach this because I don't know what your relationship is or how far away she lives from you.  If it was me though I would just make it clear that that the child is mine, is loved unquestioningly and completely and that you expect her to be the same.  If she can't the perhaps in the child's interest I would limit contact so that the child doesn't get the wrong impression.  Of course, that would mean she loses contact with me as well but my child's mental health is more important.

Answer 9

it is not wrong at all for you to expect this... its her loss if she is going to be so close minded...

Answer 10

It is not wrong to expect this.  It might be unrealistic, however, to expect your in-laws to be on board with this right away.  It would be wonderful if they could share your excitement, but if that's not possible, then carry on and take whatever support they give and enjoy it.  

Don't let your expectations of what "should" be get in the way of appreciating whatever they are able to provide in this way.  If you feel the need to really talk this out, then your husband needs to take the lead in this conversation, since it is his mother...

You may be surprised at her actions once you have your child.  She may warm up more than you thought.  But even if she doesn't, accept whatever she gives in any form.  Throw out your expectations and you won't be disappointed.  This will also set a good example for your child.

Answer 11

i think once the child is in your life, your mother-in-law will fall in love with the child. no one can deny a child. they have a way of drawing us in and we end up loving them even if they are not our biological child. i think she will be a grandma to te child as soon as she sees that you ad your husband trat and love the child like your own.

Answer 12

I think that your mother in law is rude. I understand the stress and disappointment of not being able to have your own children. My husband and I have been TTC for 2 and half years. We also started looking into adoption. I honestly dont think you need to explain yourself anymore to her. Your husband and you know that your doing the right thing. When it comes down to it all the op ions that matter is your husbands and yours. I wish you the best of luck. God bless.

Answer 13

Wow, doesn't sound like the kind of grandmother I would want for my children anyway, but you have what you have.  Does she have other grandchildren who are biological?  

Your decision whether or not to adopt isn't up to "grandmother".  I do understand your concern, though.  You would want your child to have the benefit of having a loving grandmother.  You also want to keep in mind that all adoptees FEEL adopted anyway, no matter what.  My daughter has been totally loved and adored by everyone in our extended family since the day she walked into our home and hearts.  Yet, she FEELS adopted every day of her life.  

I can only imagine how an adoptee would feel if his/her own grandmother was not loving and accepting.  My best advice is to try foster care and see how things go.

Answer 14

You can't make her accept it.  It seems to be something she just doesn't like and you can't change that.  It's a shame and I'm sorry.  Don't let her ruin this experience for you.  I'd sit her down and calmly tell her that you tried to have your own baby, it didn't work, and you want to adopt.  You could tell her it's her choice what relationship she has with this child.  She may grow to love him just like her own.  I think it will all be ok.

Answer 15

She should treat the child exactly the same! Children don't belong to you because they have your blood, they belong to you because you had an input in raising them and you contributed to their personality and demeanour and intelligence. She should love the child just as much. It needs her love and acceptance more than the others, probably.

Answer 16

You aren't wrong but she is being honest with you and this is good to know upfront, but I think when she sees the child she will fall in love with him/her. Little kids are so easy to love.

Answer 17

It is absolutely expected that your in-laws should treat ALL of their grandchildren equally, whether they are blood-related or not.  This is something you and your husband need to be on the same page with, but were I in your shoes, I would make it very clear that the in-laws picking and choosing which grandchildren to love is not an option.  

Hopefully, your in-laws will come around.  But I recommend that you and your husband have a serious "what if" talk, so you are prepared just in case they don't come around.

Answer 18

No, it is not wrong to expect that.  It IS wrong for them to feel the way that they do.

Do you think that they might be willing to read some literature or meet with someone that can be a voice of reason.  Do they understand how important this is for you and THEIR SON??

Answer 19

No it is not wrong to expect this. Though you can’t force people to feel a certain way or not feel a certain way.  How often do you see his mother? The reason I ask is because kids know when they are being treated differently then others. Think of what it would do to your child to see grandma treating his cousins differently then him.  

If you see your MIL quite often I’d  question if adoption is the right thing to do, it doesn’t seem like it would be fair to the child. Unless you  and husband are willing to make sacrifices i.e. less contact with his mother. How does your family feel about it? Perhaps the child would have one good grandmother. I have said it before there are often always elderly people in the community who are willing to be surrogate grandparent(s) to a child.

People shouldn’t favor any child or grandchild sadly it happens, and it’s not always a case of favoring the biological ones over the adopted ones. I knew a man who favored one of his grandsons over the other; neither boy was even biological related to him. He was their step-grandfather.  He just didn’t like the 2nd boys father, did not feel his step-daughter should have gotten pregnant again.  I also read of a case on family board of a woman whose MIL favored her other grandchildren over this woman’s  kids, and they were biological her grandchildren too.

Who knows once you get your child she may have a change of heart but she may not.

It will be very important that you surrounded your child with a lot of loving family, yours hopefully, maybe other people in your husbands family. Friends and honorary family.

Answer 20

This is absolutely not wrong of you to expect this!

Every child (biological or adopted) deserves to be loved and accepted! Just keep in mind that some people will always try to bring you down...don't let them deter you from getting a child and loving it *** if it is your own! Adoption is a wonderful gift...to both the recieving parents and the child.

Good Luck!!

Answer 21

My dd is the favorite grandchild and my mother in-law has five biological grandchildren. She is an amazing grandmother and never treated dd different from the other kids. My brother-in-law married a woman with two daughters from a previous marriage. My mother-in-law also treats them just like the other kids.

Shame on this woman!!!   She may come around after you adopt in the mean time do not share nay details with her and NEVER ask her to babysit. Let her come around. And she doesn't then cut her out of your life. I made it very clear what I expected of the people in my family.

Answer 22

No it is not wrong to expect this, DEMAND it!

We warned all of our families before we adopted if they did not love our child as their grandchild, it was nice knowing ya.  You love and accept our whole family or you will get none of us.  No exceptions, No half-ways, No faking it.  You do or you don't, and for once this answer was a black or white answer.

I'm pretty blunt, its part of my charm:)  You could soften it, but i would worry they would only hear what they want to hear.  Oh trust me it sparked lots of family discussions.  We faced them and answered all of their questions and remained firm.  Oh, they got it.  

Not one family member has ever i mean ever, treated our adopted children any different than any bio child in their family.  Stand firm, Stand strong.  Have a united front between you and hubby.  They will fall in love with your child.  I think a lot of this from your m-i-l is fear based.

Best of luck to you:)

Answer 23

Deffinitly not wrong of you to want them to be treated and be part of the fmaily. That is why you are adopting the child right, to make a your family bigger. I know first hand how this situation can be hurtfull and frustrating. I was adopted by my parents when I was 13, and my grandparents treated me like c**p for a while. ( until my dad freaked on them) Simple little things like after dinner he would say " make the non biologial child clean up all the mess" or made plans to have pictures dones of the grand kids but once I got there I wasnt allowed in the pictures. Its very hurtfull when all you want is a family to love and to love you back. Please dont let the grandparents treat this child like c**p.

Its you & ur husbands life if you want to adopt them by all means go ahead, unfortuantly if they cant accept that then I wouldnt involve them in things.

Id make a date and time to sit down and talk to them about it. let them know that you do want ur own child one day but its not happening now for whatever reason and you wish to start a family. Explai how much it means to you for them to accept this child. and hopefully after they see you two with the child and how happy you are to be parents then they will accept it. Dont let them stop you from giving a child a great life!!! Im sure you will be awesome parents.!!

good luck!

Answer 24

We were worried about the same issue with my in-laws.  However, once our son came home, he had them wrapped around his little fingers.  We have been lucky that no one in our families have treated our son any differently, other than possibly spoiling him more as he is the youngest of the grandchildren.  

You have every right to expect and demand that your in-laws treat this child the same.  If they do not, then I would consider removing them from his life if possible.  

Has your husband tried to talk to them at all?  What about other family members?  

Good luck to you.

Answer 25

This is obviously "her issue", and and uneducated one at that.  Would she be up for reading some books? One is called "Adoption is a Family Affair", has some good pointers for situations like this.

If not, you can only support your child and hope that your in laws will come around. If they do not, shame on them, and what a beautiful life experience they will have missed out on.

If they continue with that attitude, you may want to be careful of your child around them as well. Especially if they are vocal with their current opinions.

Answer 26

your mother in law is wrong.  its sad that people feel the way your mother in law does.  sad for the child.  every child deserves love.

your mother in law is the problem, not you and it would be in best intrest of the child if you would keep him/her away from your mother in law.  maybe she will change after she sees the child but you never know.

Answer 27

WELL YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ARE THE ONES ADOPTING, NOT YOUR MOTHER IN LAW. GRANDMOTHERS NEVER TREAT ALL THEIR GRANDCHILDREN THE SAME, AND SOONER OR LATER YOU'LL SEE SHE WILL END UP LOVING YOUR CHILD.

Answer 28

I was your child.  My grandmother hated the idea that her son was adopting, and even though they named me for her, she never treated me the same as her precious grandsons (my cousins).

If you do adopt, please cut contact with this woman.  Better your child not have a grandmother at all, than to have one who treats her as "less than."

Answer 29

Unfortunately, you can't expect them to accept your adopted child, but you can hope that they will.  She may just be disappointed that you won't be giving her biological grandchildren and is being rather socially inept in her thoughtless sharing of her feelings.  

There is nothing you can do about your in-laws attitude.  Either they will come around or they won't, and you will step up if they are treated unfairly by them.  Good luck finding your child!  :)

Answer 30

You and your husband should sit down for a quiet family visit with his mother.  Let your husband do the talking.  You just be there as his support and so you know what all is said, since you will be raising this adopted child with him.

Your husband needs to tell his mother that after 6 years of trying to have a baby without success, he's decided to have one by adoption and he needs her to support him by accepting and treating his adopted child the same as she does all her blood grandchildren.  

Some basics he can tell her include:

Mom, I love you to death, and I know how much you love me.

After much soul searching, adoption is how I have chosen to have children.

I need you to love my children as much as you love all your grandchildren.  

My children will need you as a caring, loving grandmother the same as all your other grandchildren need you.  

If you cannot find it in your heart to treat my children the same as all your other grandchildren, it will bring me tremendous sorrow as my children are a part of me because I choose them to be mine.

If you treat my children different from your other grandchildren, your actions will tell all the family that they are unloved by you, and I do not want you seen this way.

I have tried to have children the way you want, mom, but God has other plans for me and my wife.  We have accepted this and we need you to accept this.  After we adopt, if God wills it, we might be blessed with a birth child of our own, and we would want you to treat all our children the same, and love them all the same, no matter how we receive these children.

================

You are not wrong.

She should treat all her grandchildren the same.

BUT it's your husband's job to tell her this, not yours.

You can add that, because of your deep love for her son, you support his decision and it is a joint decision.  

Before you sit down with her, tell your husband that you understand how hard it is for her to accept an adopted grandchild, but that this is HER problem and you know you cannot force her to change.  If she does NOT change, tell him you will love her as much as before, because you know this unhealthy attitude is her problem, and she has a right to choose to deal or not deal with her own problems.  Tell him that, if she chooses to not change, you and he will have to work out a plan to make sure your child is not harmed by her inability to give him/her the love every grandchild deserves as her grandchild.

cw

Answer 31

I think you're going to have to explain to her what it is you expect.  She either complies or has very little contact...or at least that is how I would do it.  If she really loves her son, she will love the child he loves.