Is it wrong to feel angry about this ?

Question

i have always been the sort of person in life who ' wants what they want '.

a person who doesnt accept substitutes or other alternatives - and anybody ive ever liked or wanted in my life has always left and deserted me , almost like they were - ' on loan '- to me.

just to say ive had a very tragic, unfortunate, traumatic, miserable life so far - never achieved anything so far..

missed out majorly on things like : forming any relationships - no work or employment history - never studied or gained qualifications.

im 30 now have BPD and ptsd , live by myself for 3 years in a small flat on disability benefit.

im at the moment im waiting to see if the services can offer me group therapy - but i woulda prefered individual psychotherapy - but i suppose i have to take what i can get..

i feel very angry that nothing i want ive ever gotten or has ended up leaving me or dont stay long in my life..

im a person that wont accept alternatives or substitutes - simple as - no ifs or buts - dead in the sand - if i want a particular something , i want it and thats all there is to it.

i have 2 sisters who turned out to have successful happy lives and never had the problems or suffering i have - everything they wanted - they fcking got.

even though im 30 and at many disadvantages ie : no work history , minor criminal record - long psychiatric record etc - im still hoping ill get the ambitions and goals that i want.

which are : a good paying computer job - to move abroad - emigrate from the uk to somewhere hot near a quiet coastal village - to meet a partner , settle down etc.

but im so angry because thus far , everything ive ever wanted ive never got.

if i wanted or fancied the pale blonde girl , it never happened but instead there was a black girl showing interest - and im far from racist - but im not attracted to black girls.

or if i did meet the type of girl i wanted she soon left me or didnt stay around long , almost like she was on loan to me. or told not to get involved with me....then she obeyed and left.

i know ive had paranoia for a long time to but this is what ive thought ; theyve been told to stay away or what i want has not been allowed to happen..

i person who if i say i want something particular then i want that not another alternative.

i want things to go the way i want them to go.

( teeth clenched ) i get so enraged about this.

if i say i want a dove, then guess what ? i want a dove and mean a white dove of my choice not a fcking blackbird.

but in my case ive always got the blackbird which is not what i want.

just to give you an analogy of what i meant.

so now in the present, having endured a tortured life, i feel bitter that everything ive wanted ive mostly never got.

if i want white , then i want white , not black , brown or blue.

if i want a silver then i want silver and not gold.

more analogies etc.

i want particular things out of life, this is just how ive always been, so far ive never got them.

now im 30 im working on my goals and ambitions , hoping ill get what i want.

im going for the beautiful white swan which is what i once had - i dont want to end up with a big brown monkey or chimp.

if i do there will be big huge problems because ill self destruct and ill make sure others feel the permenant effects of the impact.

ive tried to long and hard now for me to only end up once again disappointed in life.

what do you think ?

Answer 1

I think you are wrong to feel this way, You are jealous, and that may or may not, have anything to do with your PTSD, your BPD or your OCD...that might just be an inherited trait, I know personally, I have tried endlessly to help you, only to have you perceive all the kind tihngs I have done and said, to be your 'enemy'...when in fact, my heart was there for you all the way as your friend. So yes, You do NOT have the right to be so d**n picky to others. You in one breath, tell people how insecure you are and how horrible others make you feel about yourself,and then in the next, tell others how you deserve nothing less than the 'cream of the crop'...well listen dear, anyone will tell you,that to get and deserve the so called cream of the crop, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself,and do something about your own life, enough already. YOu are not ugly, stupid, or ignorant, People have tried diligently to help you here, only for you to ignore them, and perhaps gloss over them, if they do not fit your own personal 'appearance' requirements, Then you get angry if people perceive you wrong. You need to get over yourself,You have hurt your true friends, ...and don't even have a conscience about it. What happened to you?

Answer 2

It sounds like you want what you want on your own terms.  Life does not work that way.  You got what you got because your not willing to cooperate and compromise and work for it.  Your sisters got what they got because they worked for it.  They cooperated and compromised.  You end up with what you have because you don't want to change.

Decide what you want and find out what you need to do to get it, and then do it.  Crying in your beer won't get you anything and your attitude is that of a loser.  Cooperation and compromise is the name of the game.  Nobody is handing out presents.  People with your attitude, even after they win the lottery, lose all their money because they never worked for it or anything else and, therefore, did not know what to do to keep it.  They thought they would just keep getting handouts. Life don't work that way.  You get out of life what you put into it.  When you begin to put something in, expect to get something out.  There are no free rides.  I don't care what your history is, everyone can make a choice to change it, and it starts with attitude.

Answer 3

Sounds like you need to get over yourself.   Your sister is probably successful because she struggle to get there instead of being spoon feed.  Your always going to be Loser if you don't start somewhere!

Answer 4

I think you need help.

Answer 5

Shame......no you have the right to be angry......just don't let it take over your life. Keep moving forward.

Answer 6

What you have is a bunch of acronyms, a desire to pity yourself and you're craving co-miseration from us here on the blind (internet) community.

You also have a huge disorder called BEAEFWWIML

(Blame everyone and everything else for what's wrong in my life) syndrome. Stop complaining and looking for sympathy because this game is getting old to the people around you.

I have a brother who the whole family gets fed up with over and over, he's on disability and can't work because his back hurts and his kids have trouble and he can't afford medicine and he needs help and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BUlls..h.i.t....

Ben Franklin said: "He who is good for excuses is seldom good for anything else."

DO you seriously enjoy being the guy who is good-for-nothing, lazy, lowlife? Because that's what you are to all of the people who know you. The only one who doesn't know that they feel that way is you - because that's what they say behind your back. You think that you fool them with your latest "problem" or disorder, but the truth is they all see right through you. The sad thing about it is that they don't care enough to tell you to your face that you need to get off your lazy a.s.s. and do for yourself. You are the only one who can make a difference in your life. So stop whining and get up and make something of your life - and maybe your frineds and family will come to respect you instead of laugh at you behind your back...

I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, but it is what you need to hear...

Good Luck...

Answer 7

Go to college and enroll in psychology classes maybe you can figure it out and end up with a degree and then get a job and then you can buy that swan...

Answer 8

You sound like a computer that has been configured to respond oppositely to what the user wants.  As if the keys on the keyboard have been placed in other positions so that when you type a word the opposite happens.  I had that problem and still do and I have to be extra concious when I do something to avoid my brain giving me the opposite of what I want.  And it I set a goal, I need to stay aware all the way to the finish or I end up losing.  Our minds can be very tricky places.

Answer 9

Well, I must say that alot of the yahoo-ers have some valid points here, as harsh as they seem. I would first of all like to address your attitude. So, you want what you want....that is alright, ONLY if you are taking the steps to get there...what are you doing about your situation.? Sitting there and complaining that nothing is coming to you the way that you want.? Well, my friend, you must be pro-active in setting about to GET what you want. Are you trying to help yourself or just waiting for something to land in your lap.? Get out there...go to therapy, take some computer classes, go apply for some computer-related jobs, get some self-help books to help you rise above your negative attitude. You might be all about you....but the world unfortunately does not work that way..You must seek out what it is that you want and you have to work to get there...Every single one of us has things that we are handling and yet we go forward and do what needs to be done to get where we want to be...Write some goals for yourself and set about to reach them. Nothing is going to change if you don't stop your negative focus on life. Start replacing those negative thoughts wit positive self-talk. Tell yourself. I am a good person. I can do these things. I will work hard everyday to get to where I want to be in a year, five years, 10 years....Goals are very important. They help you to have a basic plan and include steps in getting there...Being positive draws positive things into your life. negativity keeps you where you are where nothing can change. Do you allow email? I know of a web site that I would very much like you to check out. I will look when I am finished posting here and will try to find it and send it to you...It is an valuable source of information for helping you change your attitudes around...Well, I hope that you  have gained just a little help from all of us here. We truly have your best interests at heart and sometimes it takes a little push from your friends to help you to the other side. Good luck to you in all that you do.....Linda