Is it wrong to hate adoption?

Question

Well I can't stand the idea of someone raising someone else's kid. I mean I know there are lots of kids out there without parents of their own and need someone to care for them and I understand that there are people who are very kind or just can't have kids of their own.

Just every time I hear someone say they want to adopt it just weirds me out. I dont think I could love a kid I adopted half as much as a kid I gave birth to.

So my question is this,

Is it wrong to hate adoption?

and

What are your guys' opinions about adoption?

Answer 1

yeah, its not very nice to hate adoption. Those poor kids need to be adopted, no matter whose baby it is, each child should deserve the same amount of love. I think those people who adopt children are just saints. I admire their kindness, you should too.

Answer 2

i agree with you. sort of...

let me explain:

can someone love a child that's not biologically born to them? sure they can. but is it the same?  probably not.

now, regarding foster care...boy i've seen some horrible things experienced by fchildren.  including, being taken in just to supplement the parents' income; or become a "baby-sitter", "punching-bag" or " sexual muse for anyone with a pedophila fetish."  i remember working with a young lady who become pregnant by her foster mom's 25 yo, nephew.  when it all came out, the nephew had done this (not pregnancy but had s*x with) several of this woman's foster children. sick...sick...sick! and i can only empathize with your pain; and wish you healing and peace.

my opinion of adoption:

i am VERY critical of the way adoption is practiced in america and canada. especially the idea that someone (for whatever reason) who can't biologically have children, feels it appropriate to expect a child from another woman, if they can pay for it. it smacks of consumerism and entitlement.

i am critical for all the reasons gersh mentioned. especially, the racial differences in cost, advertising and "trolling" for babies, pre-birth matching, the co-opting and marginalizing of pregnant and birthing mothers' experiences (aparents want to be at all doctor's appoints, in the delivery room, breast feed and purport to have "post-partum depression), the open adoption scam (promise an open adoption, then close it for a bunch of irrational, contrived reasons), and undue coercion placed on young pregnant women to place. there is even legislation written into s*x education statures to "promote adoption as a reasonable choice for an unplanned pregnancy."  

i also loathe the "love-hate" dynamic with first mothers. they are saints and selfless prior to relinquishment; yet morph into "irresponsible crack whores" after the baby is placed.  and lord forbid that she "changes her mind"...then she is simply the scum of the earth. also, there seems to be an under-current of resentment and jealousy from SOME aparent and infertile women towards women (especially young, umarried and poor women) who get pregnant. don't believe me, read some of the infertility blogs and it'll make your toes curl.  many of these posters talk about "hating pregnant women", running out of the store, in tears, at the site of a pregnant woman, believing that every woman should experience infertility prior to getting pregnant, et al...  i'd venture to believe that many of these women at some point become aparents and transfer these feelings to the women whose children they are trying to adopt.

i also think that many who are so "rah rah rah" over adoption, would NEVER even imagine giving up their own baby, if they got pregnant. but expect, without a shadow of a doubt, that another woman can do it and walk away.

at some point, adoption moved from a humanitarian cause to find homes for  homeless and orphaned children, to a multi-million dollar industry to provide children for infertile and wealthy couples.

so, my opinions about adoption are complex.

ETA: many posters are still confused.  abortion and adoption are two different things.  adoption is a choice between parenting or not.  abortion is a choice between being pregnant, or not.  contrary to what many believe, pregnancy IS a physical, and sometime a medical condition, which can create many health issues for women.  and i simply think it's unfair and a bit presumptuous for women to feel "forced" into gestating, for the sake of another person's infertility.  and the "murder" argument many make for adoption is also flawed. why not suggest support to parent, if people are so against abortion?  simple because there is no money to be made if a woman keeps her baby.

Answer 3

It is not wrong to hate adoption.  It's not for everyone.

Answer 4

You are more than welcome to have your own opinion.  If you don't believe in adoption that is fine.  Don't adopt.  I think it is good when someone knows their own limits.  I think "hating adoption" is probably a bad thing.  I would say you dislike it for yourself.  I would say your wording was a little offensive as I am an adoptee.  I read your additional info and it seems you are talking a little more about yourself.  So long answer..but no it is fine you don't agree with adoption.

Answer 5

I have two children, one adopted and one natural. I love them both very much. I believe you can love adopted children just the same as birth children. I don't usually think of them as different, they both drive me equally insane!!  :p

Answer 6

I think it's your own opinion, but I love adoption, it gives kids with no home, a chance at a normal life, with parents. I don't really understand why you cant stand adoption, but those children need a home, and some people can provide one, but are unable to have kids, like you mentioned, or just want to help.

Answer 7

What would you do if you couldnt have kids? Also that would be like someone saying pregnant women are selfish bc we want our own children when there are so many in need already! Sad thing is you can fix an animal  so the can't reproduce but not a human! yYou cant take away a womens rights to a child whether founded or not! Sorry if that sounds rude, not trying to be! However most ppl take care of there children, others finacially milk the system and just keep popping them out for more money! It's a catch 22 if you ask me! I think both options are great ( adopting/ being pregnant) and I would adopt if I couldn't concieve! Just my opinion!!

Answer 8

No, and it's not wrong to love adoption either.

Answer 9

As others have said, there is nothing wrong with you having your own opinion on something.  You have every right to hate adoption, especially if you had a bad experience with it.

As with all things in life, there are people who have bad experiences with something that cause them to dislike or hate a situation, and there are others who have had great experiences and love the situation.  For our son, his bio-family, and us, it has been a great adoption.  Is it that way for everyone?  No.  

As for being able to love an adopted child as much as a biological one.  I can only say this....I would give my life to protect my son - adopted or not.  The only time that "adoption" really becomes an issue for us is when it has to do with his medical history.  You asked if there were 2 children drowning, who would you save first.  Hard question for any parent.  One could ask the same thing if it were 2 biological children or 2 adopted children.  A parent having to choose between children in life or death situations is never a good thing - regardless of adoption.

Answer 10

No it isn't wrong at all! I agree with you!

I'd drink a bottle of Drano before I'd ever adopt.

Answer 11

arg well its your opinion.

im adopted

i love it!! :)

i got a FAMILY YAY :DD

Answer 12

I am adopted and my parents loved me as much if not more than other people's parents. Your reasons are jusified for you but dont try to tell other people it is bad because those babies that have no one needs people to take them in.

I foster care and no child in my care has ever been used or abused while in my care. i care for them the same way i do with my own children. while they are here they are my kids. I love them too. now the love i feel for my own children is deeper than the foter kids. but i try to never make a difference. Each child deserves to be loved and happy and thats what i am trying to do. I do work with the birth parents to help to try and reunite them. i hope too many people dont feel the way you do. because there is millions of kids in the world that needs people to step up for them and help them. If you opened your heart to a child weather you gave birth or not to them you would find love like never before and each one no matter where they are from or what they have been through are worth every drop of energy , love, and time we put into them.

Answer 13

It sounds like your own past has clouded your view of adoption and that is valid for you.

It also sounds like adoption is not for you, but there are many of us who can love children as our own, biological or not.

I hope that you find piece at some point.

Answer 14

so what, we should let kids rot in the foster care system??  Will that make you less angry?  Adoption is and has always been a fact of life, so please get over you anger.  AS an adoptee i am sick and tired of all the anti- adoption c**p being thrown around, usually by bitter birth mothers who have sellers regret.

Answer 15

i was adopted and adoption to me is just another way to start a family of your own. some people, like my foster mom, did not have a choice but to adopt if they wanted kids. my mom could not have kids. so she could only adopt. she still believes that it was truly a gift from God to be blessed with two beautiful girls (my sister and i she says) who look very much alike. its just a way to help kids who want a family and who need a family. and honestly, you can love an adopted kid just as much as your own kid. my foster mom and dad have proved that to me 100%. they watched me grow up so they know me no different then a parent would know their own child. i would adopt if i had to when im older. i would love them no matter what. but its your own opinion and you're entitled to it.

Answer 16

Adoption is preferable to abortion. No question. (Does anybody seriously disagree???)

But, you're right, normal parents will never love an adopted child as much as one of their own. That's the sad truth.

Answer 17

no its not WRONG to hate adoption but its not RIGHT to think its great its just your opinion

Answer 18

I wouldn't say it's wrong but I wouldn't say it's right also.

Everyone has their own way to love.

Me personally, I would adopt. If I have the strength to take care and love one of my own them I would also give that same love to kid that's not mine.

To answer your other question.

Since I have 2 healthy arms, I would try and save both kids. I have 2 healthy legs that will also help me swim to the surface of the water. I wouldn't be able to choose between one or the other because I'm raising 2 children even though 1 child isn't really mine.

My mom is adopted, and I really love the way my grandma raised her. She knows who her real mother is but she denys my mom.

Even though  you say you were adopted, not all adopted parents turn out to be bad. But not all biological parents are good either.

Answer 19

As much as I disagree with your thoughts I believe it wrong to force beliefs on another so I can't say your thoughts are wrong but I can say I disagree with you.

I myself was adopted so I'm all for it. You have to understand that mothers who give up children for adoption have decided not to raise a child and the only other option to adoption in that case is abortion so for me I know exactly what would have happened had adoption not been an option.

Answer 20

I can understand why you may "hate" adoption- being abused in a foster home- that would taint your opinion on something that actually should be good.  

I am adopted and also have 2 adopted children- and i have had a good experience with adoption- so of course I love it.  

It kind of scares me though that you would feel the need to ask if your biological child and adopted child were drowning who would you save?  Someone with a bio and adopted child, would do all they can to save both- even if one child was theres and the other a neighbors, do you think that they would not want both saved.  I can somewhat understand your stand on adoption from the standpoint of your abuse- however remember that biological families have abuse as well.  Also I counseled many women in crisis pregnancies for over 10 years and I can tell you that many of them, if not most-  would say " I cannot place my baby for adoption, I would rather abort it"- how sad is that-  without the love of my birth mom and the birth mom's of my two children- we could have been aborted just because someone hated the idea of adoption. I know that I am going to get some thumbs down, especially for the comment about adoption vs abortion- so be it- I know it to be true from 10 years experience so it cannot be wrong.

Answer 21

no what if you cant have kids but you want them you can adopt them

Answer 22

It's not wrong for you to hate it. I'm not saying you do this, but it would be wrong for you to force your opinion on someone else eg your kids. I have an aunt like you, she doesn't like adoption and would never adopt.

In my opinion adoption is a great thing, I have always said from a young age that I wanted to adopt a baby. And I hope I do one day.

Answer 23

I didn't bond with my son right after he was born it took me time to get used to him and I delievered him. He is my whole world now. Children are truly amazing. I am looking into adoption and I know for a fact that I could love an adopted child just as much as my own. It wouldn't be instant but when you see them doing things you taught them and growing up so smart because of you. It makes them your child whether you birthed them or not. I think once you have children you will understand more...

Answer 24

You are a bright young woman!

You have the rational ability to SEE through the propaganda and politically correct dogma that surround adoption.  Few people are willing to do so, (or at least say it out loud) because it seems like a perfect ‘solution’ to the problem of infertility, and a woman having an inconvenient pregnancy.

The adoption ‘relationship’ between natural parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents is not equal--contrary to popular opinion; it is not a win-win-win.  The adoptee and natural parents suffer catastrophic losses, while the adoptive parents gain in the exchange.  I think this might be one reason APs have such a hard time seeing the inherent problems with adoption.

I was adopted as an infant, and though I had bad parents (commonly known as a ‘bad experience’ by many, like it was a bad meal at a restaurant) I still strongly believe I would have been able to see through all the BS that is adoption had I had a ‘good experience’, it just would have taken longer.  It is difficult to grow up with people who are so different than you, whom you have nothing but the same address in common.   All the while keeping secrets and lying and working to pretend all is good.  

I have no interest in raising other people’s children either.  Wouldn’t it be incessantly bittersweet? You didn’t get to have your OWN child, and this child didn’t get to be raised by his mother.  To me it would be like being assigned a husband—sure, I might learn to love him, but how much sweeter would a marriage be with the right person? That’s ONE of the sucky things about adoption, it’s a crapshoot—a gamble.  

But, I’m on a tangent here, which is easy to do with the subject of adoption.  It’s truly like an onion with endless layers to be peeled back and examined.  Here are some links in case you want to do just that:

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.babyscoopera.com

http://www.b******s.org/bq/babb2.html

A study of adoption:

http://rondidondi.wordpress.com/2007/10/...

http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/to...

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

Answer 25

I want to tell you a story. I was adopted as a baby. A few years ago, my grandpa passed away. After the funeral, my great aunt (his sister) came up and told me a story...

"Once some woman came up to your grandfather and asked him, 'Don't you just love your real grandchildren a little more than your adopted ones?'. He said that he loved them all the same. She pried a bit more, 'Are you sure? I don't see how you could love adopted grandchildren just as much as natural ones.' He snapped at her. 'I love them all the same!!'. Now, I have two adopted grandchildren and I love them just as much as my biological ones, so I know how he felt." my great aunt told me.

So, people can change their minds when they're in the situation. On the other hand, it isn't for everyone and that's fine. You shouldn't adopt. Is it wrong to hate adoption? You're entitled to your opinion. You'll never convince me that it's all bad.

edit--And I don't feel that it has anything to do with how caring you are or aren't. Not at all. As a mother, I can understand your feelings completely. As an adoptee, I know that people can love their adopted children as much as if they gave birth to them.

Answer 26

Everyone has their own views and thoughts about adoption. Some people think it's a good idea and some people think it's not for them. But for the people who want to adopt that's good for them because they want to help out the children plus they can't have their own children so they adopt. But for people who don't want to adopt they can have their own kids! I don't think it's wrong to not like adoption but I think we should be proud and respect the people who do chose to adopt because their willing to take in a child and treat them like it's their own child even though they have to deal with the fact that some of these children know that their adopted so they act really bitter towards the people who adopt them. Their giving these kids a home, food, and happiness so my opion is that when I already have my own kids and i don't feel like popping out anymore and I feel like i should add another addition to the family... adoption will be on my list!

Answer 27

You are going to feel the way you feel, but remember it is only your point of view on the situation.  I don't think you have any clue how much a person could love an adopted child.  I adopted my son 3 years ago, and I could not imagine loving anyone more.

Would you much rather see these children being abused by parents who never wanted them to begin with?

Answer 28

I was a product of foster care system, all I ever wanted in life was one family. Or maybe I should say a family at all. You do not have to like adoption if it is not for you, but hate is a rather strong word. Maybe you do not agree with adoption?

Is it fair that these kids grow up alone? No one to love them. No good night kiss, or hugs?

I have 4 kids 3 are mine, 1 is my step son. I love them all the same. It all depends on how big your heart is. I work with children, and I love them more than anything in this whole world. The child you speak of is not someone Else's kid; it is the child of the person who adopted it.

It sounds like you are very young and naive to this subject. Walk a mile in any of our shoes, and i think that you may get a different feeling. Have you ever lived in a n orphanage. If not, that is why you do not see the urgency for adoption.

Answer 29

I'm not against adoption although I do sometimes feel theres a pressure on mothers to give their babies up so that wealthy childless couples can have their "dream baby" - I mean look at Madonna! she took a poor african child away from his biological father.

I once watched a TV programme in which a L*****n couple were desperate to adopt and had fostered a baby whose young mother had given birth to him in prison.  It appeared that the young mother wanted to keep him and seek help in order to sort herself out so she could care for her baby, but this couple were so distraught at the thought of not getting their "dream baby" home that they complained bitterly about this and told of how they eventually made sure the young woman was "persuaded" it was "best" to give up her baby.  this made me feel sick.  An obviously vulnerable young woman being "persuaded", probably by people who she felt intimidated by, like social workers, to give up her own child just so this L*****n couple could play happy families?!  Why didn't they just get a d**n puppy!!!

Its this sort of thing which makes me very queasy about adoption.

Answer 30

I find kids in general offensive.

Answer 31

It is not wrong for you to feel as you do as long as you do not force your opinions on others.  I have adopted a little boy who I love very much.  I would never hurt or abuse him and I am sure that I am not in the minority here.  

Adoption is a very long gruelling and instrusive process.  It is very rare for an inappropriate person to be approved as an adopter.

As for not loving a child which is not biologically yours well I had the same concerns.  These soon vanished when I was introduced to my son.  You see love is blind!

I am sorry that you had such a horrible experience in foster care.  Maybe you should get some counselling?