Is it wrong to have a "stand-by" list?

Question

I was speaking to a friend who was married in January. She said they had pre-arranged with some friends who weren't invited to the wedding to be on "stand by". They were thinking about the guests who pull out on the day due to unforeseen circumstances such as trips to the hospital etc. They'd organised with these friends to call them if someone pulled out. Their reasoning was that you've got to pay for the meal anyway, you might as well have someone eat it.

My questions is: Is that too much like being second best and would you feel rejected if you were called up on the day?

Answer 1

Tacky

Answer 2

I understand the reason behind doing this but feel its a little unethical.

I would feel like I was being used if I were on a list like this. It is difficult when you have to pay for the meal anyway, I too will be having this problem if I lose a few people on the day but what can you do.

The best thing to do would be to "over invite" and that way they compensate in the nicest possible way.

Good luck, hope everything turns out alright for you.

Answer 3

I personally wouldn't mind but here is why....We had a huge guest list (300) we had to cut it down to 100 due to our budget! If was so hard not inviting some friends. We had a b list in case we got a reply of no. I also didn't have to send our head count in-till 3 days before the wedding so it helped.

We started to send out late invites soon as we received declined invites. We also had a family members from out of state call a week before the wedding and cancel due to a recent job loss so I called a few friends who knew we only had so much room and invited them (They had all gone through planning there own wedding and knew guest list was an big issue)

So no I wouldn't mind at all! You have to remember family no matter what always comes first and friends get the short end of the stick! It not fair but it happens!  

Answer 4

personally, I think its incredibly rude! If someone  put me on a standby list, I wouldnt come! Plan on inviting however many you can afford to invite and leave it at that!

Answer 5

I think leaving it till the wedding day is a bit off, but in certain circumstances, I don't see a problem with "standby" lists. We actually have one, although it's a different situation:

We are only allowed to have 50 guests at the ceremony. This means our families, and literally 2 friends. We're then allowed a further 50 guests for the reception. These will be close friends of my partner and myself.

BUT many of our family are coming from abroad, so they may decline the invite. It's for this reason that we have a standby list, which will basically mean those that shortly missed out on being invited to the ceremony will then be invited. But it wouldn't be to have the seats filled; it would be because we weren't able to invite them originally (we both have HUGE families that HAVE to be invited). We think it's awful that we can't have friends there, and it's really been hard to not invite them from the ceremony, but we just can't afford any other venue.

Those on our standby list won't be aware of it though. We will be sending out invites over the period of a couple of months for this reason, so they will never know that they weren't originally on the ceremony list. AND the standby list is only for the ceremony, and the standby guests would be taken from the reception guest list anyway, so it's more of a "bumping up to first class" sort of thing. If people decline the reception, we won't be sending out more invites.

I would never make a point of telling them they're only invited because someone else backed out, and I think it's your own tough luck for paying out when your guests don't turn up. I think it's bad etiquette to expect your guests to be able to run when you click your fingers; certainly on the wedding day itself.

Answer 6

It's fine to have a "b" list, but don't TELL people there is a standby list. Most people have one, there's the "must" invites, and the "wish we could invites if there's room when others decline". I'd send out the first round of invites 4 months before then the second round 2 months before. BUt god don't tell people lol. That's just tacky.

Answer 7

this is the first time i have ever heard of a stand by list. I WOULD NEVER WANT TO BE ON ANYBODY'S STAND BY LIST. if they arent invited, then leave them out of it completely.

Answer 8

I think it's disrespecting the people who got last minute invitations.

What the couple should have done is plan ahead. Say, send 50 invites 3 months before the wedding (yes the earlier the better, so you know how much the headcount's gonna be), and if they get 40 response back after a month that means they can send out the other 10 to those they didn't think of 2 months before the wedding with a months before the wedding, but it has to be well planned. This way they will be able to fill the gap.

Unforseen circumstance is what it is. You can't expect a man having  heart attack to still come to the wedding coz he needs to fill the gap. But it's also irresponsible to have the guests on standby. You'll make them feel like a second class citizens.

Good Luck!

Answer 9

Personally, I'd be rather insulted!  Last minute emergencies are to be expected under these circumstances and there's nothing you can do about it.  Instead of having a contingency plan, why not let the people who are working the reception have the food that doesn't get eaten?  That wouldn't be so insulting and the food still won't go to waste.

If I were among the "stand-by" list of friends, I think I would start to question how much the friendship means to me, because I would really rather not be someones "second choice" or feel as though I'm an after-thought.  What if I had something come up too and couldn't make the "stand-in" call?  Not going to sit around the house for that particular day waiting for a call that might not come!  That's bs.

Answer 10

while i understand your reasoning for doing this. how would you feel if you where told hey im getting married im inviting some of my other friends but if they cant make it you will have to do as i need to fill seats. I know if that question was asked to me i would be offended that i was only an afterthought and would defiantly not go

Answer 11

I think it's insulting to send the message to someone that they're not good enough to be invited to the wedding and that their presence is only welcome if someone who was good enough to be invited to the wedding cancelled out.  I think your friend had a lot of chutzpah to even ask someone to be on a stand-by list!  She's not running an airline.  Better to have some food left over than to insult someone like that.  And leftover food can go to wedding vendors, be taken home, or given to the homeless.

Answer 12

I'd just tell them that if I wasn't good enough to be put on the invitation list in the beginning, why the h**l would I come in and bail their butt out later?