Is it wrong to not attend my mothers wedding after she cheated on my dad?

Question

What would you do? Two years ago around Christmas my mom moved out (left me and my sister) and my parents separated. Very soon afterwards she said she loved this other guy she's been working with for years. She also talked about him pretty frequently (as a colleague) before they divorced, even though no one ever put two and two together. They decided to get engaged way too quickly for my taste, and I don't even want to think about going to their wedding. I still love my mom as a mom, but my opinion of her as a person has changed a bit..and I don't think I should have to be a part of her life as the other guys fiance. He also "broke up" I guess with my mom twice during the two years after my mom moved out, and really upset her. He left his wife recently as well. I just feel that cheating is never the answer and she was insensitive about everyone elses feelings. Also, I'm hoping to be getting engaged next year and this would totally overshadow it. They both had their chance once already.

Answer 1

I would suggest you go out of respect. But what happened between your parents are their business. There's not much you can do to repair the damage that she's done, but you only have one mother and you want to be able to have her in your life should you have children some day and they might want to be a part of 'grandma's life.  

Answer 2

No it's not wrong at all. You have enough on your emotional platter now honey.. Attending may only add more baggage, thereby contributing to complex feelings you are attempting to balance already.

Answer 3

I have to agree, that you should go to your moms wedding.  Although what she did sucks.  The fact of the matter is that she is your Mother.  She will be there for you no matter what happens in her relationships or your relationships.  When everything in your life is said and done the only people you can truly count on to have your back is your family, and you should have your Mothers back on this one as well.  There are a lot of things that you probably dont know about your Mothers relationship with both your Father, and her new Fiance, and so making such a harsh judgement of your mother I feel may be out of line.  But in the end this is a difficult situation to handle, and I understand to a point your resentment for your Mother, the fact still remains that she is your mother and she surely loves you very much.  Maybe you should try talking with her about the entire situation sometime after the wedding, she may be able to give you valuable insight into why she made the decision she made, even if she cant however, remember she will always be your Mother and your ONLY Mother.  Good Luck, please go to the wedding you may regret it if you dont!

Sounds like your Father has a lot of influence on you.  Just because your Mother left your Father doesnt mean she doesnt love you.  I would quit listening to your Fathers point of veiw for a while and try listening to your Mothers for a while.  Either way it doesnt change the fact that they are your parents, have raised you, they have gave you everything, and the least you could do is attend your Mothers wedding.  I promise you if you dont you WILL regret it someday, maybe even as soon as your wedding.

Answer 4

What happened between your dad and your mom is just that...between them.  I understand that you don't approve of her choices but she is the one that will have to live with them, and from the sounds of it she is in for a very rocky road.

You wanted our opinions... mine is that you should go to the wedding.

Answer 5

you will find out why it is very unwise of you to be petty and spiteful when  you try to get engaged and have some sort of wedding and are met with complete disinterest and disdain to get back at you for what you are doing  by the very people you are now trying to hurt.  

t*t for tat never works and only leads to decades of hatred, heartaches, lost time, disruption of peoples entire lives, children never getting to know grandparents, and a host of troubles and consequences that are almost too painful to list.  

this is truly none of your business. your mother has the right to live her life as she pleases and maybe you are too young to understand this, but, judging your mom harshly at this point in your life is going to backfire on you if and when, probably when, you yourself suddenly have cause to have to make a life choice where you yourself would not want to be judged harshly.  what should your mom do then?  

you are truly at a crossroads of your life, living it selfishly and without compassion of any kind as if the world revolves around you does not bode well for you or any marriage you plan someday to have yourself.

and, by the way, the  harsh and unkind way you treat your mom is not lost on this guy you are hoping will get engaged to you. for some fellows, that would make them rethink their relationship with you.  

Answer 6

I disagree with what you are saying.  This is between mom and dad.  You are completely one sided in this argument.  While cheating isn't the answer, as you said, perhaps your dad wasn't a wonderful husband.  Maybe he had a role in this affair and divorce happening.  Your mom didn't leave because she was getting great s*x from someone else.  She left because she fell in love with the other guy.  Obviously there was something that dad wasn't doing right or some sort of miscommunication between the two.  In either case, it's none of your business and choosing sides is wrong.

I think you will regret not going.

Answer 7

You're obviously still hurt by your mom's actions (quite understandably) and I feel you do not owe her the "respect" of going to her wedding! - If you don't condone their relationship and how it evolved, you don't belong at their celebration of it!

However, if you want to continue your relationship with your Mom, you will have to acknowledge her new life with this other man. SHE made the choice to be somewhere else, and maybe that's what SHE needed? - There's probably a lot to your parents' intimate relationship you don't know about. (You are the "child".)

Love her unconditionally, as she probably does you. - Doesn't mean you love her choices. - And, it's OK to be honest with her about that, if that's how you feel.

Oh, and don't worry about her wedding overshadowing your engagement. - It doesn't change the love you have for your fiance and the happiness it will bring you planning your life together. ;)

Answer 8

You feel how you feel, and that's fine. She'll aways be your mother but that doesn't obligate you to respect or agree with her behavior or to support it by attending her wedding.

Nothing wrong with explaining to her that you don't support the situation or the way it came about, and choose not to attend and appear to condone it. You love her as your mother and hopefully the two of you will be able to maintain a mother/daughter relationship on down the road.

My father cheated on my mother and left her when I was 17. I haven't seen or spoken to him in 26 yrs.

Answer 9

Well, even though I understand your feelings, I really do, I think you should leave what is between your mom and your dad between them.  If you love her, you are going to want to be part of her life one day when these wounds are not so fresh.  Everyone makes mistakes in life, no one, not even parents, are perfect.

As far as you getting engaged, you should look at one thing at a time.  If she is already engaged and planning her wedding, then she went first, and your getting engaged would overshadow her, because she was first.  Not that they didn't already have their chance, but you can't say she is overshadowing you on something you haven't even done yet!

I think you should go, be polite and supportive, and know that you were the bigger, more sensitive person.

EDIT:  You asked for opinions.  It sounds like you already know you aren't going to go, so why did you ask?  I just think you may regret it later because it will seriously damage your relatioship with your mother further than it already is.  It's better to be the bigger person.  It isn't condoning what you did.  It's saying "Even though you were insensitive and hurt me, I don't have to be like you, I'm better than that."

Answer 10

I think you shouldn't let anyones idea of what is right influence your actions. You should do according to how you think and feel. What your mom did was wrong and hurtful and you have no obligations to honor the decision she made. She might be hurt that you arent there but that can be a consequence of her actions. I can only imagine how it must feel to be in your situation and i bet its rough. No one can tell you that you are petty or spiteful not to go. You should do what your heart moves you to do because only then will it be sincere.

Heres a tip to help you decide:

Before you make a decision, think about how the decision is going to impact your life in,

- the next 10 minutes

- the next 10 months

- the next 10 years

Just think about it. You see how it all makes sense? If you can deal with the consequences that your decision can make in these three time frames then go ahead and make that choice.

Answer 11

People make mistakes.  We are not perfect.  And the world is just just black and white, but alot of grey area.  I don't know why your mom cheated, and it wasn't right for her to act that way.  But, things will never get better (not that they'll be the same) if you guys don't work it out.  Not going to the wedding is sending a BIG message.  Are you sure that's the one you want to send?  How about just telling her all of your feelings on this?  It will be better to get it out now- better for you- because holding that in will destroy you eventually.  And it could even cause problems in your relationships.  

Answer 12

I truly hope your marriage works out like the fairy tale you want and you are not in the situation of being in love again, because your statement of "They both had their chance once already. " is grossly unfair!

Yes, you were a child of a broken home - but your Mother left your Father, not you and your sister so quit trying to wear that guilt like an honor badge. No parent divorces the children, only the spouse.

EDIT: You say that you are probably getting engaged next year, are you planning to invite your Mother to your wedding? Will you be hurt if she doesn't show up? You could answer me that it's a different situation because you didn't cheat on anyone, etc., but it's still the same feelings. If you plan on not having any type of relationship with her at all in the future, then fine don't go. If you do want to be a part of each others lives - then you go for her sake!