Is it wrong to not want children?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been seriously discussing our future lately and an issue we keep coming back to is children. He wants them. I don't. I don't see myself as the mothering type, I'm selfish and jealous and overbearing, and can just imagine my kids hating me. I don't want my children to be unhappy, and I'm scared I wont be a good mother, so I've decided that I shouldn't have children. I am only 20, but I've felt this way since I started thinking about kids. However, sometimes I can imagine myself holding a baby, dressing her, kissing boo-boos, and holding teddy bear picnics. Will my maternal instinct come as I get older or am I as motherly as I'll ever be?

PS. I'm not thinking of having kids any time soon, not for at least another 8 years so please no ranting about being too young. I just worry that I'll never be selfless enough to be a good mother.

Answer 1

No it's not wrong and if I let you borrow my 2yr. old you'll never want, have or even want to see children on TV, man he's alot of work.

Answer 2

Um  I would think probably not.  More like uninformed and possibly a bit selfish but you admitted you were so it would not be fair to the child if you were to have one now.  I think at 20 you are mostly mature but still got some learning and living to do yet before you should make this decision.  A child or children is for real a lifetime commitment so you are actually very wise to be giving it some thought.  So, is it "wrong" ... nah, not  "wrong" by any legal or moral standard I know of but simply a personal choice and one you need to resolve BEFORE you are pregnant.  Destroying a life after it is conceived IS wrong regardless of how the pro abortion people try to rationalize it as "a womans choice".  The real choice is to not get pregnant if you dont want a child.  I think that is what you are debating now and I applaud you for doing it this way!  Hope that helps.

Answer 3

well, first you aren't to young to start thinking about your future with your boyfriend that you are probably gonna spend the rest of your life with. and yes it's normal for you to have these feelings. BUT!!! I'm not gonna say this will happen but lets say you had an accident of an pregnancy. then what, you would adjust even though you didn't want children, yes kids will hate you at moments but their over it with in an hour. and it's OK to be scared all mothers are even fathers. if your saying your selfish and jealous and overbearing. that all changes when you have your own kids. so maybe think twice. their are people to help you get through it.

Answer 4

Kids is a big issue when it comes to relationships. My auntie and uncle got a divorce because she wanted them and he didn't. They got married around your age, and they failed to discuss the subject of children. So your already on the right track, in which many fail to go over. My auntie is married to a different man and has 3 children. And her first husband is still single with no children. He still doesn't want any kids. My auntie had her first when she was thirty years old. Your selfishness will disappear over years, trust me, I've seen it happen. And when you have a child, you change, I've seen that happen too. When you have a baby, it's no longer all about you, you now have to put your child first and you second. Which causes almost everyone to change. Nobody is a perfect mother, all you have to do is try and accept your mistakes. Your maternal instinct will come, it will. For now, just enjoy life with no children and have fun. Your really young, so enjoy it. And if you don't want kids, don't have them. It's your life and your choice. =)

Tamara.

Answer 5

Honestly? Kids are not for everyone. They are allot of work, a huge responsibilty, and cause allot of stress, but in my opinion worth every second of it. This time in 8 years, who is to say what your feelings will be.

Answer 6

Of course not. It's better to know that and not have them than bring them up in an unhappy environment (that will make you unhappy too)

I will say that in 8 (or more) years you may feel differently. You may not feel differently but become pregnant and feel differently. You may be pregnant and not feel differently and once you have had the baby you will love it and wonder why you didn't have kids before.

There is no wrong and right. But don't close your mind to the possibilily because that's the way you feel now. It's good that you recognise your flaws - you can work on them and become less selfish and jealous. (Overbearing is good! - Dominance as a parent is a good thing!)

Whatever decision you come to will be the right one for you - just don't let others make it for you. I will say that parenthood is frustrating, painful, expensive and not for the fainthearted but it's also one of the most rewarding things that you will ever do.

Answer 7

You are at a stage in your life where it is all about your own needs. That could always change. But some people just aren't meant to have children. I don't want kids because I feel the same way. I wouldn't be able to provide them what they need.

Answer 8

Yes its wrong, you should be a shame of you're self!

Answer 9

I didn't want children when I was 20 either. Now I have two.

Don't worry about it - either you'll wake up one day realising you want kids or you won't. It doesn't matter either way.

Answer 10

Everyone who is 20 years old is selfish and jealous and overbearing, and very few people that age are ready to become parents.   There is nothing wrong with you being unable to picture yourself as a mom right now.   Don't even think about having kids until you actually want them.  And if you NEVER want them, don't have them at all.   Don't ever have a child to please someone else.  I will tell you, however, that you and your boyfriend need to resolve this issue before making a permanent commitment to each other, in order to avoid heartbreak later on.

Answer 11

Atleast you're honest about it.  Please don't have kids if you don't want them.  Find someone with the same goals as you.  Then again 15 years down the road you may feel completely different.  Good luck.

Answer 12

its is so not wrong to not want kids. 2o is the age in your life when your just starting to do things on your own finding a job and a lot of other things. i wouldnt stress it too much. i would really start thinking about this when your like 30. you might be more responsible there fore maybe you'll feel better about the whole idea of kids. but its your desicion.

Answer 13

first of all, there is nothing wrong with feeling that way (about not wanting to have children). its an awing responsibility. BUT once you have that child in your arms and they smile at you and they grow and learn with your help... there is nothing like it and you discover more flaws and good stuff about you never knew could exist. trust me, waiting is a great idea, i'm 27 years old blessed with a 10 month old angel. but at your age i felt the same exact way.

Answer 14

It's not wrong to not want children. It's better to know that you don't want children than have them and neglect them. Maybe as you do get older, you'll want them. But children are a lot of work (although they're AMAZING), so only have children if you KNOW that you want them.

(:

Answer 15

Before we got married, my husband and I discussed that and we both didn't want kids. (We got married when I was 22 actually - so not too far away from the age you are) Each year, I'd be sure to sit down and discuss it with him again to see if we were on the same page. I just wasn't a kid sort of person, and couldn't imagine them in my life or wanting to have them. I didn't pay attention when people yapped on about babies, I didn't coo at them and demand to hold them when they were around. They made me uncomfortable in many ways.

Some people gave me slack, but overall people respected that. My parents got over their desire to be grandparents. I've been married almost 9 years now, and am 31 - and last year when we sat down to discuss the kid thing , my husband said "I don't think it'd be so bad if we did, but if you still don't, that's fine with me." So we left it at that.

Then I peed on a stick and it said that we were going to be parents. I'm at 33 weeks and am still in shock, but to be honest, it's not been horrible and I'm not dreading it. I've been SO surprised at how helpful and supportive friends and family have been, and not a single person has rubbed it in my face that I said I didn't want to have kids.

We plan on just having this one and doing the best we can. I didn't think I'd have any instinct at all even while pregnant, but it turns out that I do have some. Maybe it's age, or maybe it's us having a stable life (house, jobs etc) but I think we'll be alright and am looking forward to it now.

Since being 20, SO much has changed. I eat better, I lost 55 pounds, I get along with my family, I've learned to calm down, I've figured out who my true friends are, the type of person I am and want to be, feel less angry at the world around me, changed careers a few times, lost some family members to death (which encouraged me to think more about my own life), gained a new respect for things I never thought I would and stopped being a pack rat. NONE of this happened overnight - it's just part of life and getting older, figuring out what you do and don't want in your life and changing things, or finding that things are changing around you. Life is change - but still being yourself.

So basically, you are smart to think of it and discuss it now, and you may never change your mind, but at least you're discussing it. Be sure to discuss it again each year just to see if you're on the same page. Eventually you might change your mind, or you might not. If it does happen without planning on it, do the best you can - which is what any of us do anyways. It's not selfish at this point - only selfish if you have them because you think you should, or to trap/keep him etc.

Everyone changes as they get older, and while your thoughts on kids might not, your personality will change in ways too. In the meantime, enjoy your life and keep communicating with your mate - being honest and open is a good thing.

Answer 16

Honey I've worked at a school for 23 years and children are my life. So you know how I love them. I'm sure you will be a fantastic mother when you are ready. That is entirely up to you. My daughter is 33 and she loves children as much as I do, but she's afraid to have them. Her and her husband would make fantastic parents. I'm sad not to have grand children, but that's up to them. They may adopt some day.

Answer 17

Good for you to make up your mind about this.  Just be sure you  know it can change.  At 20, I was definitely in the same mindset as you- and LOVED my 20's- I lived my life to the fullest, and it's so great that you can too.  Now I'm 31, and I'm finally at the point where I'm ready to have my first baby.

You may not change your mind and that's great too- my aunt is 50 and so successful, rich, beautiful and travels the world with no kids- she lives the LIFE!

Answer 18

I have a few friends who don't want children. They simply aren't interested in it. Personally I think that's okay.

Because you are only 20 I would suggest that you keep your options open at this point. In five years or so you may decide that you are ready to have kids.

Answer 19

Absolutely not!  Being a parent isn't for everyone... I wish more people thought seriously about this before having them.

Parenting isn't only about holding & doing boo boos... there's the day-to-day stuff that you just don't realize - a lot of work and a lot of attention.  As a matter of fact, I got more rest when my kids were babies than now that they're older!!

Fortunately, you're young enough that you can change your mind either way down the road...

Answer 20

No, it's not wrong to not want children. Not everyone is meant to have children and some that do shouldn't have. But...don't rule it out completely. As you get older, you're still very young, you may get the "baby bug." I think you are smart to wait and applaud you for knowing that you are not ready. :)

Answer 21

First off, depending on personality, 20 is NOT too young to have kids, in my opinion.  Nature intended us to have kids young, so as long as people are emotionally ready, no one should lecture young mothers at all.  Secondly - no there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids.  Just be honest with your boyfriend and I'm sure things will work out.