Is it wrong to plan for the worst but hope for the best?

Question

I have taken some heat lately for listening to the "angry adoptees" on this site, and "assuming" that this is what all adoptees "end up like". I don't see how it hurts to acknowledge the pain that an adoptee feels, nor do I see how it hurts to believe that all adoptees experience separation from their biological family (HOWEVER they experience it...it is a fact of an adoptee's life). I don't see myself as making assumptions that "every" adoptee will experience adoption the same way, nor do I think that their "adoption experience" has anything to do with the feelings they have. In other words, I don't think I can love away my kids' pain, or that if I just hold them long enough it will go away. What my children experience is valid, no matter what it is, and it is not based on me (but I will be causing a certain amount of pain by adopting...it's yet another change they will have to go through in their short lives.). How is that wrong? How SHOULD I approach my pending adoption?

Answer 1

Gaia, you haven't done anything wrong.  You seem very open to the complexity of adoption, and I, for one, am happy for that.  We never know how anyone will react to a life event.  Learning all you can about the varieties of reactions seems an obvious step to take in this process.  Adoption is complicated.  And I think both you and your child will be better off for your understanding of that.  

I wish you all the best, and I'm sorry you've taken some heat on this.

Answer 2

I don't feel you have done anything wrong either.... After all you have not yet met your children therefore it is still all abstract to you...

Learning the variety of ways that an adopted child may feel is important... and the method you are adopting will mean that your children have suffered a personal loss with huge implications...

Where I see the problem with many parents (Of all kinds of children) is in assuming we Know what they feel...  and treating them as if we know thier personal feelings.....

As with parenting any child my belief is that each person has their own set of feelings and beliefs... and great parents don't assume they understand....  Our role as adoptive parents is about helping our children with THEIR feelings and their issues no matter what they are.....

I also have a belief that if we assume there is a problem then we will see the problem and raise the child with the problem.... Our child may not have the problems that we expect or assume they will have...

It is more important for parents (all parents) to be open and honest, make every effort to be the ONES their children  go to for the tough issues they face during life....  

Even with my two siblings their feelings and the issues they each face are dramatically different based on their personalities and individual levels....

I also don't believe that any person lives life feeling Constant about everything.... Our children do not simply feel ONE way about adoption.... They have a lifetime of processing and growth... They may at one point feel this loss deeper than at other points in life... Our job is to help them at the points they need it specifically for the issues they share with us....

I have Mixed feelings about my own family..... I have suffered a variety of periods in my life where I recognized diffculties and had to process the experiences I had... It will be no different for our adopted children--except that as parents we have this added matter of adoption to be concerned about.

However, the basic fact of the matter is that adopting children from Foster Care not only means our children have the basic loss of their birth parents--but also the issues that lead up to them being in Foster Care.... In my situation This Loss is a far greater focus..... and I have the issues of not only loss but the Life Long Brain Damage and emotional trauma they suffered to help them overcome.....

Answer 3

plannig for the worst just stresses you out and makes you paranoid.  you need to go back to the ganja g.r. and chill.

hey gala I was just kiddin i think you are pretty cool

Answer 4

That is very true and I'm so glad to see someone else actually thinking of someone else and putting themselves as best they can into the other persons shoes.

I do realize that this is yet another change in their life, but think about it. You are going to be giving them stability from here on out. Remaining in foster care is not going to do anything in the long run other than throw them around the system even more.

I think that you are an extremely wonderful person just for adopting. If I were you I think that I would go into this with an open mind. I think that you have to realize that there may be some issues bonding with the child at first. I don't know how old this child is because that has a lot to do with how easy it is I believe. The younger they are the less they have been thrown around. The older they are the harder it might be to connect because they have been thrown around the system and shown that "no one really cares." Despite that not being true.

If the child is extremely young or so young that when they are older they will most likely not remember being adopted that you should always let them know that they are adopted. I think that is it important to know this from a young age. That way there is no resentment later in life for "lying" to them.

I know a woman who is in her late 40's and her mother just told her that she was adopted. At this point in her life this has been very devastating to her because she never knew that she was adopted and she always believed this to be her "real" family. I don't know what word to use in place of real because this is her real family since they raised her, but you know what I mean. Biological.

Anyways, I wish you much luck in your adoption. I hope for you and your new child that things go smoothly and well.

I also don't think that it is wrong for you to plan for the worst and hope for the best. I think that planning for the worst is just a safeguard to yourself as the adoption process from what I understand is an extremely emotion and trying thing.

I hope the best for you and your growing family!

Answer 5

I think it's a great question!  My adopted parents didn't have a clue what they were getting into!  I love them to death, but their inexperience and ignorance, caused a lot of resentment, hurt and anger.  They didn't understand that being abandoned [which I was abandoned--my father left us at daycare], they didn't understand the affects that being bounced from foster home to foster home had on us; they didn't believe that people would actually do the things to children that some of the foster parents/family members could do to a child.

So, they adopted us believing we'd turn into the Von Trapp family or the Brady Bunch.

Not to mention, my siblings that were adopted as infants were treated "better" than the ones that were adopted at an older age.  They failed to realize that we had traits, characteristics and life experiences that they couldn't just "pound" out of us.  We already knew things about the world that they couldn't even comprehend, or believe.  We learned early on that you don't get too comfortable at one place, because you'll be leaving again soon--so we lacked a steady home environment.  They didn't understand that the ONLY people in the world we could ever count on was our siblings, because, despite everything else that changed around us constantly, we still had each other.

The best thing you can do is to love your children equally, provide a safe environment, a good education, social skills and keep an open mind toward any bad experiences they might have had prior to coming to live in their new home.

Answer 6

I think CP has done a wonderful job adressing this, as well as live......laugh.......luv.  You've gotten some great answers!

When you say "but I will be causing a certain amount of pain by adopting...it's yet another change they will have to go through in their short lives" you are (I think unintentionally) doing just what you said you don't want to do- you're placing a feeling you THINK they'll have on something that they may not.  They will experience loss- as it's said all the time, that loss is a physical fact, how each adoptee is affected by that loss is what changes.  Your child(ren) may not grieve that loss.  

Either way, Gaia Raain, I doubt anyone has ever thought that you'll be anything other than the best mom ever!  We see your heart in practically everything you post, and I think that above all will be the best thing for your kids.  I'm sorry if I've given you heat- I'm opinionated but I do mean well.

{{{{{HUG}}}}}

Answer 7

I agree with CP too.  I used to be a "glass is half-empty" person as well, but now I know that it's all based on my perception and the energy I put into it.  So if you approach this life experience with open arms it will be returned to you 10 fold.  Like so many other people have commented, your heart is in the right place and that's what's going to make the relationship work, in good times and in bad.

Answer 8

Gaia, children without families are the reason adoption came about in the first place.  They have loss and experience instability.  They need stability, consistency, love and support.  No, you cannot love away the reality.  But, you can support by understanding and listening and being open to whatever your child is experiencing.  

You'll be a great mom.  Thanks for caring about what ALL adoptees have to say.

Answer 9

I think we can be open to complexity of adoption and understand the pain and loss and nothing can take away from that; however, you are also entitled to some degree of excitment of becoming a mom which your are also entitled to your feelings as well.

Answer 10

I thought about all this too, before we adopted our daughter, but one thing I had to remember was that she was already separated irrevocably from her birth family.  She was going to have this experience of loss whether she lived in my home, her orphanage, or someone else's home.  The question was, did I think that we could be a positive force in her life or should we stay out of it and let someone else do it.

To take an example from something other than adoption, my husband uses a wheelchair due to spastic quadriplegia.  The small amount (to me) of physical assistance he needs was something I had to know about before I decided to marry him so that I would know whether or not it mattered.  It didn't, but a female friend of his asked me about what assistance he needed and as I described our mornings, she blurted out, "You're a SAINT!"  Not at all!  For me, helping him get up, shower, and dress in the morning and undress and get into bed at night was a small "price" for being married to the finest man I know.  For her, it would have been a complete deal-breaker.

With having children, whether by adoption or birth, you have to make a similarly right reckoning of your abilities, your strengths, your weaknesses, and your willingness to adapt and sacrifice for the well-being of your kids.  It's good to try to understand what issues and problems are possible as you make that right reckoning.

Answer 11

Don't forget Gaia that you are adopting from foster care too. You are opening your arms to one of us "broken" kids. You have choosen to raise a child that no longer has that fresh from the womb smell, and in all honesty will probably have some issues, either relating to whatever they experienced with their biological parents or during the whole foster care world.

Love the child & stick by them while these issues are especially fresh, get them any help they need to over come them, but at the same time give them some new wonderful, loving memories.

Yes I had a pretty "poopy" experience, but all it takes is that one special adult to show you the other side of humanity. Be that adult.

I didn't find that adult while I was in my childhood. BUT I have found other adults in my adulthood that have shown me the ropes & shown me that side of humanity. I can think of 2 older (yes seniors) in my adulthood that have taken me under their wing so to speak, and been that parental figure to me. I regret not finding them sooner, but I cherish them just like any adult would cherish their parents.

Answer 12

I agree with CP.

Answer 13

My opinion is we should plan for the best and be knowledgeable about the worst, to recognize the signs.

I guess I just feel that by planning for the worst that this could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  For me personally I would watch, listen and ask questions and then act if I see signs that there are issues.

In your case you are adopting older kids from foster care and the chances that these children will have issues is greater because of potential abuse and neglect, so for YOU to say that you are planning for the worst and hoping for best fits.

ETA:  I wouldn't let strangers online dictate what you feel in your heart is right for you and your family.

Answer 14

I have the utmost respect for you and your views and I just wanted you to know that.