Is it wrong to regret having a baby?

Question

I am 18 (almost 19) with a 1 month old baby boy living with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. I made a stupid mistake of getting pregnant but knew I couldn't live with myself if I got an abortion, so I had the baby.The baby's dad was/is happy about the child so adoption wasn't an option since I wanted to remain in the relationship. I never wanted kids. I would say I dislike babies and kids very much. I was hoping that would change after I had the baby. You know, fall in love with my child and couldn't imagine my life without him kinda thing. That is not happening and I just keep regretting having a child soooo much. I cry a lot and always hope that this is just a dream. There is nothing I enjoy about being a mom so far and all I see when I look at my baby is a responsibility that I have to deal with since I made a mistake. I fantasize about breaking up with the dad and giving him the baby.Has anyone else felt like this or does this sound like I'm a terrible person?Will this feeling change?

Answer 1

You know i have to say i am pretty impressed that a young person took responsiblity after making a mistake. At this point if hes a good father, id give the baby over to him, sign off all rights and be done.Someone more willing, and less selfish would be a better influence in the babys life...

Answer 2

Take it from my now deceased grandmother. Though she loved all of her kids and grandkids, she would do it all over again differently.

My grandmother, very early on in the 20th century, was a self-made woman and came from a long line of women who were self-made. All had their own careers. Only one of them decided to have one child: My grandmother; and she decided, in the early 40's after she had obtained her master's degree in anthropology, to have two kids because it was the thing that everyone was doing. Status quo. Living up to the Jones's. Not that she necessarily wanted to have children. She was an only child. Enjoyed the closeness and undivided attention of both her parents and all in her social circle, and for her, having children meant putting herself behind someone else. She didn't like that. Until the day she died, she regretted having her son and daughter (my mother).

I loved my grandmother. I miss her immensely. She was the most fascinating person, I believe, I've ever met. Lived a very interesting and fast paced life. All beginning in the year 1913. She was a woman before her time and had been to every breathtaking place on earth that you can imagine. How many people do you know go to the North Pole? My grandmother did just that, but when it came to the grandmotherly love that I always envisioned getting from her, it was always a no-show. She just wasn't the nurturing type. She was a scientist, a researcher, worked at the Smithsonian Institute and travelled. She wasn't domestic by any stretch, but do you know what? That's okay. I loved her nonetheless, because she was Grandma, and someday, you'll be a grandma, whether or not you like the idea. If you're h**l bent against carrying on with the role as a mother, bow out now.

From what I understand, my grandmother snapped that belt more times than her kids would have liked to have seen. So, use discernment in your final decision, whatever it may be.

Good luck to you.

Additions: I should say that my grandmother, in fact, didn't regret, later on in her life, that she had my mother and uncle, but infact regretted that she couldn't be the nurturing mother that her kids so very much needed. She just did the best that she could and only never tried to be something that she wasn't. AND BOY! Was she ever her own person. Gutsy woman, she was. Very gutsy - no fear, and this was one of her major qualities that made my grandmother such a fascinating person. More so fascinating than just about anyone that I've ever known in my life. Perhaps, you could be that very role model for your son :)

Answer 3

You definitely need to get some professional help.   Not getting the help you need would be bad for both you and your baby.  Someone will be there for you, to comfort, advise, and help you find solutions to your problems.  Good people who seek help can become happier, more confident, and less stressed with life.  You are not a terrible person.  Just the fact that you are aksing this question means you are seeking help and wanting answers.  I applaud you for this.

Answer 4

Awww honey, baby is only 1 month.  When I first had my daughter, I was in the hospital, holding her, looking at this little baby and thinking, 'oh my God, what did I just do?'  I had never been around kids and I had no help from anyone.  So I just did it one day at a time and after a while I got into it.  Now I look back on it and I think about how lucky I am.  It's so hard at first but you'll get through it and I hope you'll get closer to your little one.  And the best thing about little boys is that once they're toddlers they LOVE their mama's!

Answer 5

Nope.--it is what it is, and none of us can change the way we feel.

  Lots of women are sorry they became parents... I have tons of girl friends who raised anywhere from one to five kids, and tons of guy friends who as well were dads.  Those who share... and most have.... say if they had to do it over, they'd opt out of the baby thing.  

One of my good friends had 5.  He's a pharmacist with his own chain of stores. (so money really wasn't a huge problem at the time... )He's hugely fat, very catholic, and been depressed the entire 20 years he has been my friend.  They are now pushing 60, have no money, and he said, "It just wasn't worth it..."  Maybe he's saying that because every year, we went to Africa in the summer, and skied in Italy in Feb.  He sold my photographs in his gift area.  We traveled, and took a wonderful trip, and they stayed home with kids... we missed soccer games, and they missed photographing cheetah in Botswana....

I have other friends who raised 3 daughters and thought we were nuts to go to Africa......

But, sweets, the kid is here, and if you  have opted to keep it, get some counseling, step to the plate, take your bc pills, (so it doesn't happen again) and be the best mom on the planet.... this world doesn't need any more unprepared parents, so don't  you be one.  

You and he have the option, still of adopting out, and if you are so totally undesiring of parenting, you'd better get into counseling, him too, and make a decision... only fair to all involved.

And don't feel guilty about how you feel.... it is what it is, and no, it won't go away....

Answer 6

A few things, you can't control how you feel but you can control how you handle your feelings (how you treat people and your decisions etc...). You could have post partum depression but if you aren't diagnosed w/it and feel like you really don't want this child (that's what it sounds like to me), you need to make a decision quickly. This child's emotional welfare is dependent on your actions. He will know if you love him or not. Do the right thing no matter how hard it might be.

Answer 7

You may have a psyschological problem that is very common with mothers after giving birth. It is caused from hormonal imbalances, and is not your fault. I can not remember the name, but it is serious. There have been mothers that kill their infants due to it. Brooke Shields in fact had it. You should definitely go see a pyschiatrist, please!

Answer 8

Fake it until you feel it.  This is advice that is often given to adoptive parents who do not immediately feel a connection to the child they have adopted. Although this is your child, you need to force your self to provide warmth, cuddling and comfort to your child.  Hopefully the feelings will come along naturally.  It is not uncommon for mothers to feel this way so don't beat yourself up over it, but do make an effort to provide your child with a lot of touching, stroking and other contacts.

Answer 9

you aren't a terrible person, but you do have some huge issues to deal with. Your child will feel your resentment....as should the father.....I think right now you may be having some post-partum issues, which can make some mothers feel like they generally don't want the child, what a burden he is, and even that they want to harm the child in rare cases. I would talk to someone about your feelings--someone you can trust. I would also suggest that you spend time with your baby...get to know him, feel how much he loves you and needs you. I don't know what the right answer is long term, but right now, you need to focus on some counseling and on giving the child everything you can muster in the way of love and nurturing.

Answer 10

does your partner know how you feel about this??

i think you should see someone to help you with this!

Answer 11

Well, i hope for your childs sake, your feelings do change.

Having children isn't a walk in park. I expecting my 2nd and even tho i love my daughter to death, it is hard and very tiring being a mother. Even tho we go pregnant unexpectadly with both her and my current pregnancy, i would NEVER call her a mistake.

I think you need to sit back and learn to accept what is right infront of you. You have a baby boy that counts on you. He is the one that you can guarantee that really loves you.

You just need to grow up and accept what you can't change.

Answer 12

You need to talk with your man about how you feel. It is an answer you two are going to have to come up with together. You need to be real about how you feel and what you can do about it.

Answer 13

I know you say it's not post partum depression, but part of it can be hormonal.  You need to do some serious thinking about what is best for your child.  Perhaps you should talk to a counselor, or at least your doctor.  It's natural to feel overwhelmed the first month and to not "fall in love" with your baby right away.  Let's face it, the first month or so all they do is eat, sleep, and p**p, and of course cry.  However, the reality is that you have this child now, and if you are not willing or able to change your attitude you will only end up hurting your child emotionally, if not physically.  You're not a horrible person.  There are still options, you could still find loving people who would gladly adopt your baby.  I encourage you to seek some wise counsel.

Answer 14

I felt like that after I had my son at age 17. I was scared and alone. My son is now 5 and I have 2 other children. Im not saying that you will get over the feeling you are having but for me I stuck with it and talked to people about it. There is nothing wrong with feeling that way, it means you are human. Talk to your boyfriend about it, talk to your doctor or pastor about it. The day my son looked up at me and smiled (2 months old) he completly melted my heart and I found true love. I wish the best for you and your family, please talk to someone though. I am always here if yoou need advice or a shoulder to cry on.   [e-mail]

Answer 15

Some people weren't cut out to be parents, they lack the selflessness, passion, and nurturing some parents feel towards their children.  The thing is I think you are speaking too soon, you will fall inlvoe with your child as he grows, at one month he is a nuisance and doesn't show any personality yet - basically using the heck out of you day and night.  Just give it time and try to be the best mom you can because it's probably in you, you just have to believe.  A child is a blessing, be grateful you have one, some people would do anyhting to be able to have a baby.

One thing that is VERY crucial for you to do, go to a therapist and explain how you feel EXACTLY because you could have post partum depression, it happens and makes you feel ill feelings towards your little one.  Please take the time to see someone and get evaluated, there is medication and you can feel 1000 times better, you don't have to suffer.  Even if you don't have ppd it's nice to talk to someone about what you are going through now.

btw, do you have friends around?  Do you hang out with any of them?  Are you feeling lonely and isolated?  Do you get time to yourself?  Are you  taking care of YOURSELF?

Answer 16

I have 4 children that I have pretty much raised on my own and would never part with them.  It doesn't sound like post-partum to me.  Some people just don't want children and they give them up and that is okay and the sooner you do it the better if that's the way you truely feel.  Please tell the daddy asap.  You should leave him and let him raise the baby or both of you give up the baby and stay together.  You made a wise choise in not having the abortion in my opinion.  Yes, this baby can tell if it's not wanted and needs the kind of mother that can give it what you don't want to give.  I hope this helps.  You never know, if you tell him how you feel, maybe he will want to let the baby go so he can keep you.  There are many people that would love to raise your baby, including me :)  [e-mail] that wouldn't hold it against you.

Answer 17

It's not wrong, you are not bad, it might not be depression - maybe you just don't want to be a mom.  This doesn't mean you can't be "selfless or caring."  MOst "normal" people look at their newborn and think what the h++l have I done.  For sure you are STRESSED to the max - it took me 18 months to feel like my son wasn't just a responsibility.  He is one of the smartest most socially "well" children I have ever seen - kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for.  Do the best you can and forgive yourself for the rest.  However, you are now responsible for an entire other human being and must take that very seriously  - I think you need to speak with a professional (don't let a doc just put you on Meds!!!) My prayers are with you - you are not alone - but talk to someone!!

Answer 18

You're not a bad person, even if it isn't post partum depression. The fact is, you're in a bad situation. Raising kids is hard, even if you like them. Not only that, but at a month old, all your baby really does is eat, sleep and go to the bathroom. Oh yeah, and cry. All. Night. Long.

It is entirely possible that you will still get that "can't live without him" feeling once he's a bit older and starts showing some personality. Or maybe not.

Are you working? If you have a decently paying job and your boyfriend can afford to stay home with the baby, that might be the best option, at least for now. He loves the baby, so he's more likely to be a good father without losing his mind. Talk to him and see if you can work out an agreeable system.

The thing is, if you don't like kids, and you don't want to be a mom, you probably not so secretly resent him, and that means that both of you are better off if you get some space.

Now, if you would like to learn to love your baby, you will increase your chances greatly if you do a couple of things. First: make sure you are still getting enough "you" time. If the baby takes over your life and you have no time to yourself you will resent him and you won't be able to be a good mother, and that's not healthy for either of you.

Second: try and notice the things that make your baby cute, and sweet, rather than focusing on the things that drive you nuts. I know it seems ridiculous, and a new perspective doesn't fix everything, but it can help and it's worth a shot.

Third: have a plan for how you will handle future problems. This will reduce stress when those problems occur, as you will already have a plan of action.

Being a parent is hard work, and not everyone is meant to be a parent, but right now you are, so you need to deal with it. Please feel free to e-mail me if you need advice, or just need to vent. I'm good with that sort of thing, and venting can help more than you would think.

That reminds me, fourth: find someone you can talk to about whats going on, whether it's a friend, a family member, or a therapist. It will help.

Answer 19

kinda harsh. not many parents like doing all those weird hour feedings, the crying, and the diapers. be patient. you will grow to love the baby and regret that you ever wanted to have nothing to do with it. just give it time. talk to the baby daddy about it. calm down and get to know the baby. you are not a terrible person you're just unsure.

best wishes

Answer 20

I don't think you're a terrible person. I can't personally relate, but I can imagine that at your age especially a baby would be a significant burden. You're missing out on your youth and opportunities. On the other hand, you have a gorgeous baby  boy who needs a mother. The first few months are extremely overwhelming for any mother, and I can imagine this would be especially tough for you - it could get better.

It sounds like you had your son so that your boyfriend wouldn't leave you - which of course isn't a great reason. I think you need to talk to someone about it. If you think you can't give your son the kind of life you want him to have, you could consider giving him up for adoption. Think about what's best for you and your baby, and don't make any more decisions you may regret based on your boyfriend.

Answer 21

yes it is post-partum depression, see your doctor!

Answer 22

if you didnt want kids , why would you have unprotected s*x?!  and tehn keep the baby even if you didnt want one?  

  Not all mothers feel that immediate bond with their babies, it takes time to get to know your little one but eventually it will come, and in your case, you may really need to work on that bond, its very important for both the mother and the baby.  You have your child, you need to be there for it. You are not a terrible mother for not feeling a bond right away. Your hormones are completely out of wack and you could be having post partum depression. I suggest you talk to you doctor , he can prescribe you something to help with it. You can look into going to a mum and baby group in your area, they're great for getting out wtih your baby and meeting other moms in your position. the most important thing is that you dont blame your feelings on your child. It was you who got pregnant, your baby is the result and needs a loving home.

Answer 23

It does not make you a horrible person, but it does show that you aren't cut out to be a mom right now. Not everyone wants kids, and there's nothing wrong with that. However, it's not fair to your son to grow up with a mother that doesn't want him. Kids can pick up on these things VERY easily, he can actually probably already sense it. You need to talk to your boyfriend. Whether you want him or not, you are his mother and it's your responsibility to make sure he has a happy, healthy life, and if that means giving him up, then you need to do it. Good luck.

Answer 24

classic post partum depression. No you're not a terrible person, and hopefully your feelings will change. If they do not, and you're finding they are getting worse, you may want to seek some professional help.

Answer 25

It might not be post-partum depression, but it certainly screams depression in general. Please get help for the sake of your child's well being. Denial may only cause you to resent him more.

Besides, the baby is only 1 month old. It is really tough for the first few weeks, and even up to the first year. Just stick around with people who can help and support you and soon you will feel better. Seek help.

Answer 26

it sounds a bit like postpartum depression.Also I have to say that I am very glad you did not have an abortion.I think it would really help just to talk to someone about your feelings,like a pastor,or a counselor.it is very normal to have feelings like this when you are young,but if  that is all you feel towards the baby then you need to talk with someone.You also need to look at your baby and think about how you will feel the first time it calls you mama.The first few months are very hard,but before you know it you will have more sleep,and a very sweet and loving child who needs you.I completely feel for you.I had my first child at 19.I felt some of the very things you talked about.I am now 32 with 3 wonderful kids,they drive me crazy-but I can't see me without them.One thing you need to do is have the dad watch the baby so you can have a little rest,then you can think more clearly.Take care of yourself,and if you need to talk-go to my profile and send me an e-mail.GOD-bless