Is losing a child to adoption worse than losing a child in death?

Question

First off, I just want everyone to know that I in no way mean to undermine the death of a child. The loss of a child, in my honest opinion, is one of if not the most painful experiences a person can go through.

I was speaking to someone the other day and the topic came up. I can not say for sure for I have only one of these experiences, but I wondered if my situation was not worse. I suppose my situation is a bit different because I'm still fighting for my son, but I feel like there is no closure because there is no end. I can't grieve the loss because I still have hope and I think that is what is causing my pain. I wonder how he's doing. Is he sitting up yet. When I was in court, the APs said he was starting to coo. Has he started babbling yet? Then I also wonder, when, if ever? Will I see him before he learns "mama" and "dada"? Before he learns to walk? talk? ever?

I must say, I try to be stoic, but when I was in court, I couldn't help but cry those whole two hours.

Answer 1

I have never relinquished a child (nor had a child die), so I can only come at it from an adoptee perspective...

I would never want my parents to die, there would always be the regret of the years we could spend together, but in terms of grief, the funeral process and knowing that it is 'final' even though I would want to spend more time with them, would help getting through the grief process.

Being adopted, on the other hand, is a lifelong grief process with no real end. I lost 25 years of getting to know my n-family, and I will always be adopted.

So I would think that relinquishing a child for adoption would be harder in the grief process because it isn't final and doesn't end...there is always the chance that you could see your baby again, that someday you could have a relationship, etc. etc., is keeping the grief process going without having an end. If your child had died I am SURE that it would make you feel awful and it would affect you for a long time, but there is something about the finality of a funeral and and an actual end point that helps people in their grief process.

I would say that if there is the ability to talk to a counselor, it can be very helpful in talking about all of the emotions that you are going through.

Answer 2

I haven't been in your situation.  As a parent, though, I'd have to say that adoption would be less painful than death.  If I had a choice between losing my child to adoptive parents or my child dying, I would much rather that she was adopted...I'd know she was still there, still happy, still getting to experience life, and that would be more important than my feelings of loss for her.

I have a friend whose baby died last year.  His brain quit developing in the third trimester and he was born in a coma.  He never woke up, wasn't going to, and they had to make the decision not to put him on life support.  Then they had to wait in the hospital for him to die, and had to have a funeral for him.  The loss nearly killed my friend.  For a while, she was unable to care for her other child at all.  She would go to take the trash out and just stand out in the parking lot crying for hours.  She was really just lost.  I'm sure if she'd had to choose between him dying and him living with someone else, she would have given him up.

Answer 3

I think losing a child in death is much worse then adoption. With adoption they are still having a chance at life and giving a couple great joy because they might not have been able to have children. I bet it is hard wondering if that child that was given up was doing this or doing that, but just knowing that they were in a loving family living would make me very happy. My mother put me up for adoption and i'm glad that she didn't have an abortion. I'm very grateful to her, I wouldnt' have the life that I do now. I'm married to a wonderfull man with 2 kids and one more on the way. I hope this helps a little.

Answer 4

We just had a bio mom change her mind the night before her c-section.  The babies (she was pregnant with twins) were never officially mine, but I sure felt like they were.  I was fully intending to bring them home and make them part of my family.  I've been in a fog the last few days and I can't imagine feeling any different if we lost a child to death...we lost our babies.  Other people may not agree or understand, but that's how I feel.  I understand what you are going through.  I wish I could tell you how to cope, but I'm not sure I can do that myself.  

Much love.

Answer 5

I think Trish is dead on.

For the 1st mom, I would say pretty much because you're losing a part of your soul that nothing can heal. There's a connection between a mother and biological children that many can even begin to understand.

With a-parents absolutely not. They are just not accepting their own personal losses of infertility and/or entitlement.

I get sad for a while when there's a death of a beloved pet.

I think its pathetic and immoral that you have to fight 3rd parties to get your child back when nature dictates this is whats best for the a mother and her child.  

Good luck and keep fighting

Don't let these people ever get away with what their trying to pull.

These selfish Ap's will have to face reality some day and I personally would not care how they deal with it.  I can't even begin to imagine that they are sleeping well at night for what they are doing to you and your child.  

I have a girlfriend waiting for her son to return or until his 18th birthday so she can contact him. It was supposed to be an open adoption. She doesn't even get photos.   She can't wait to tell tell him everything including what the AP's did to prevent him from "knowing" her.

Answer 6

I think it would have to depend on a person's point of view.  If they can look beyond their pain and be happy that the child is alive and has a chance at having a good life, then death is worse.  If someone has a difficult time, or even can't get past their own pain to see that their child could be happy, then it would probably be the same.

Closure is overrated and rarely fully happens.

ETA:  Tish, comparing our answers to other posters, is similar to comparing apples and oranges.  Different responders is probably the reason for different responses.  I don't believe any of the posters are the same, or at least have changed their mind.  I haven't.  I believe that a failed adoption can be painful, but no where near the pain of losing a child, either as a bmom or to death and not comparable at all.  I do believe that losing a child as a bmom and also to death CAN be comparable, but yet so different, with both being equally painful.

Answer 7

Hi Camira,

First, I want to say how sorry i am for what you are going thru.  I can't imagine anything worse than being separated from your child.  

Second, my first daughter was stillborn.  The only comfort i could find in this situation was that she was with GOD.  I know where my daughter is.  I know no one could love her more than GOD.  That is the only thing that keeps me sane.  I have often said that "not knowing where your child is" would be worse than death.

Granted i have not experienced losing a child to adoption and i don't have any living memories with her, which i imagine would be harder.  I do remember her kicking and twisting and turning every time i sang Amazing Grace.  I remember placing headphones on my stomach so she could listen to Mozart and Beethoven.  Its an incredible pain to lose a child.  A pain that you will never recover from.  Death, adoption, abduction all very similar circumstances with the same results, separating mothers and children.  Always so sad.

Its hard to say if one is more painful than the other, it depends on the people involved.  From my point of view, yes adoption is worse than the death of a child.  I know where my daughter is and i know without a doubt that she is loved.  My heart goes out to you, Camira.  (((((hugs))))

Answer 8

100% death!  

If you truly love your child, then you can at least have a sense of joy at giving them life.  If your child is dead...  then that's it.  Besides, with adoption, there is hope for a future.  Maybe it's not a near future, but a child WILL turn 18 one day.  A dead child never ages, and memories fade with no hope for new ones.

Answer 9

I can't imagine lose a child at all. I love my son way too much to ever let anything bad happen to him.  but....

How did you lose your child to adoption?  Did someone come and steal your baby and force you to sign paperwork?

Wasn't it your choice to put the baby up for adoption.

Answer 10

Losing your child for any reason, leaves you feeling that loss.  You are going to grieve that loss for a long while to come, and part of grieving is DENIAL.

There are things you can never get back, just as you say here.

In death there is a finality and a closure.  With adoption there is the hope for a day when you can reunite, but the complete uncertainty in terms of IF, that day will truly come.  

Look, it isn't right and it isn't fair, but when you walk into that court house, you MUST portray that you are:\

STABLE

COMPETENT

UP TO THE TASK

You CANNOT do that if you are crying for hours and falling apart inside.  There is a time and place to let your emotions out-- a court room is NEVER the place to do it though.

You sound VERY depressed, which is VERY understandable. My advice?  Before you go to court again, go get a consult with a therapist and check into going on an anti-depressant, THAT WAY, you can regain the composure you MUST have in court to EFFECTIVELY advocate for the position you are taking.  You don't want the judge to feel bad for you-- you want the judge to decide that you are the right party to raise your son.  And to have that happen you only get a very short time to get your points made.  You can't do it if you are too emotional, and going in there like the walking wounded.  Courts are terrible places, the wrong calls get made nearly as often as the right ones do.  Image is EVERYTHING, it is an essential part of the limited presentation you get to make.  You have to come off as strong, loving and competent and no matter what has already transpired you have to have enough faith and optimism  to believe THIS time it WILL  be different.

So chin up, the court is an adversarial place and the stakes are too high to let your guard down and get trampled.  The only CHANCE you have to prevail is to get your act together and make sure everyone in there KNOWS it.

If the court seems like it is leaning towards favoring adoption, THINK on your feet, start making the case for an OPEN ADOPTION.   No court order can ever truly sever the bond between a mother and their child,  remember that and go in there ready to effectively make your points to that judge.

Answer 11

I am so, so sorry that you're going through this.  These people are sick, and I hope your baby is returned to you.

I have never personally been through either of these horrible things, and I hope to never be.  Both are unimaginable pain, both are horrific, and I would think that the feelings and thoughts associated with both are totally different and impossible to truly compare.  I can't imagine anyone in either situation being stoic.  I can't imagine anyone in either situation ever, EVER "moving on", or "getting over it".  Either way, it's a pain that no one else can describe or understand, and either way, it lasts a lifetime.  

My thoughts are with you.

Answer 12

I lost my 21 yo daughter in 2005 to rhabdomyosarcoma.

I truly have never felt pain like that in my life. Today 3 years later I'm okay. I still love and miss her terribly. But I have closure.

My mom on the other hand relinquished me in 61. I found her in 2000. She always says for all those years I had no idea if you were alive or dead, she had no closure and still doesn't.She still grieves that loss and always will I believe.

One had an end one did not

Really sorry for you pain

Good luck

Answer 13

Dear Camira,

Tish, you are so right about many people's perspective being a bit more heartless when it is an FP losing his or her child. Stereotypes and stigmas certainly effect people's sympathy levels. Look at how fathers are treated, FFathers get the worst deal - somehow that position rarly garners sympathy of any kind. I wish people could stop judging and try to empathize instead.

As to losing a child to adoption, I think that it and death are definately comparable. And yes, I would compare a failed adoption to a miscarriage or still birth.

Loss of a child is LOSS OF A CHILD. PERIOD. ALL of these situations require someone to GRIEVE. IMHO, GRIEF is something that is PERSONAL and should NEVER be compared TO THE GRIEF OF ANOTHER PERSON. Unless someone can feel another person's heartbreak,  they should not think they have a CLUE as to what that person is suffering. Everyone grieves differently.

ANYONE who has ever lost a child grieves, whether to death, adoption, kidnapping, state intervention, runaway, divorce - ALL are TRAGIC and any parent who gives a d**n about their kid is going to GRIEVE. FOREVER.

MANY FPs often compare adoption - especially CLOSED adoption to death. I have compared my own situation to a "living death". I have two "ghost children".

Not to belittle death or the loss of a child for a parent to death, but with death there is the knowledge that your child cannot suffer. Adoption does not come with that gaurantee. For many FPs (and parents of runaways, kidnapped children, etc.) there is the grief PLUS the worries. "Is my child SAFE?", "Is my child suffering?", "Is my child being abused?"etc. "ARE THEY DEAD?" (Sorry, John, but there are too many cases of these things happening to always be able to comfort yourself with the "better life" line.) I am NOT saying it is worse - I cannot compare with first hand knowledge (and grief shouldn't be compaired) - but I can see a certain comfort in death that other ways of losing a child do not provide. It is one of the GREATEST fears a FP must live with - DAILY.

I HAVE lost my father to death am grieving and am aware of the grief my grandmother is suffering (parents should NEVER have to bury their children).  It is awful for us both but I wouldn't dare compare them - I am not she. My job is to grieve in my own way and be there for her.

People also like to use the argument that it isn't the same because there is the possibility of reunion, contact, whatever. Again, I disagree. To hope for something your entire life of that importance to have it never happen is unfathomable to me. I cannot begin to imagine the pain for FPs and Adoptees (or victims of kidnapping, parents of runaways, etc.) who wanted but never got the opportunity for reunion. This is beyond tragic to me, ESPECIALLY if the reason for missing IS IN FACT DEATH- and another one of my DEEPEST fears. So many things POSSIBLE and yet undone. The same could be said for death, I suppose, yet the POSSIBILITY ceaces to exist upon death. Better? Worse? I cannot say but I can see the similarities.

Consequently, vice versa to each of the above thoughts, if one believes in an afterlife then the argument that there are possibilities for ALL these situations to resolve can exist.

HOWEVER, with adoption (and other forms of loss of a living child) the ONE thing that will NEVER change, can NEVER be made up for, is the lost TIME. You are right about missing milestones. Even with reunion, even if their lives are perfect, a parent who is seperated from a LIVING child loses TIME which can NEVER be regained. Missed birthdays, missed first steps, missed first words, missed recitals, missed soccer games, missed proms, missed graduations, missed weddings. NO amount of pictures, letters or video will EVER replace having BEEN there. And even the little things - missed smiles, missed hugs, missed wall scribbles, missed scraped knees, missed bedtime stories, missed picking out the tux, missed comforting hurt feelings over the first break-up, missed B in English in the 10th grade and missed kisses and "I love yous" can NEVER be gotten back - but they happened. Without us. Death prevents them from happening. Again, better or worse? I can't say. But comparable? I think so.

And our children lose out on time with us too. They lose our advice, our knowledge, our experiences, etc.  but above all else, our LOVE - all of which is there to SHARE if people allow it to happen. Adoption itself does NOT to stop these things. People do. Children should NEVER be made the losers.

So to sum it up, Camira, YES, I think they are comparable.

I hope I have not offended anyone with my answer, but this is something I LIVE with everyday and have given a great deal of thought to. Tone is so often lost in writing but to anyone wondering, it was written through tears so please forgive me if I have said anything upsetting. My apologies. This is but my humble opinion.

I hope with ALL my heart that you do not have to grieve your child for a lifetime. I wish that people would understand that people CAN be shared - none of us is a possesion to be hoarded, hidden, stolen, whatever the reason for separation people wish to use (sans safety reasons). We teach our children to share, but often we do not share our children or each other as we should.

As a final note, I wish my arms were wide enough to embrace all people who are suffering the loss of someone for whatever reason. Death, adoption, failed adoption, abduction, runaway, parental alienation, state intervention and anything I left out; I DON'T CARE what the reason is. I can empathize and sympathize with your pain and I am truly and utterly sorry from the bottom of my heart. I hope that someday you find your peace.

ETA: Freckle Face, I thought of you when I answered this one. ((((Freckle Face))))

Answer 14

I think that it might be worse both ways but it matters how you feel on the inside its all up to you.and your two point of views because both can really hurt alot it just matters how you take it on the inside but if you look at it i think child death can be worse because if you think about it you know that you cant never get that child back again and you will never beable to see it again and its no longer on thisplanet and the adoption thing you can allways find and research for the baby and if you cant find it mabe when it gets older it will try to find you but i think death is way more painfull.because nobody never desides to go.

Answer 15

Well I have given birth to a stillborn son as well as relinquishing a daughter so I have personal experience of both.To me,both types of loss are as bad as the other,but for different reasons and so I suppose that,to some people,these would cause some to question the validity of what I have stated.With my daughter the pain is not knowing how she has grown up and any facts regarding her life unless she would permit me some knowledge in the future and as for the loss of my son I know the pain of never seeing him grow and become a part of my family.With both types of loss I do know and always will know a strong feeling of grief and loss,but for different reasons.To me both are as hard as the other.

Answer 16

I'm sorry for what you are going through, it must be very painful.

Like Tish, I don't like comparing any situation to death, particularly the death of a child. And like John said, for those of us who have experieced the death of a loved one, closure is for greeting cards. It does not exist. You can move "through it", but for many of us, you'll never get "over it", which I know is also a familiar sentiment to many first moms.

That being said, I also have a huge pet peeve with comparing one person's pain to another's. "This is better than that"." I hurt more than you because". "I could live your life standing on my head, try living mine for awhile..." and so on. You know what you are going through and you know  it HURTS. I don't think you need to compare it to anything. It just is.

Best of luck!!!

Answer 17

I would have to say that losing your child in death is much worse because there is an end and you can not take back the moments that you were not there or you can not say all the things  you would like to say. As with adoption, you can one day come to terms with that child and make a life together.

Answer 18

ironically camira...

quite frankly, i'm surprised at the responses you are receiving.  most accept that adoption loss (from the fmom's perspective) and death are not the same.  yet, substitute the variable "fmom" with "amom" and "adoption" with "failed adoption" and see the responses change...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

there are people who actually believe that losing a child to a "failed adoption" is more like a death, yet a birthmother's loss is simply part of the game, hence not so much...go figure

personally, i have a problem comparing anything to the death of a child. yet, i can see where a fmom losing her child to adoption would be ranked pretty high on the scale of loss, per se.

--------------------------

now...re: your baby.

we have discussed this off-board and i COMPLETELY EMPATHIZE with you.  everytime i hear one of these stories, i thank my lucky stars i changed my mind.

personally, i think what is happening to  you is ridiculous.  it's clear that you want your child, yet the aparents are fighting you.  my God... talk about tourture!  IMO, i think if a fmom is contesting an adoption, that's an indication to let go and let child go back to his or her mom.

ps. i wonder how anyone can remain stoic in this situation.  h**l, i would be a babbling mess!!!  

good luck... and i hope you get your baby back.

ETA: Tish, comparing our answers to other posters, is similar to comparing apples and oranges."

  

not if the questions are similar and are drawn from two samples from the same popluation... eg. people who answer a yahoo adoption message board.---regards, your friendly neighborhood researcher!

Answer 19

I would say adoption because you morn for something you never had and you will always wonder how the child is doing and if the child is ok. In death you know where your child is.

   My son went through h**l looking for his son and wondering if he was ok and what he looked like and when he took his first step his 1st words. He didn't findhim until he was 16 months old and can never re live the first moment from birth to 16 months.

   My sister in law lost her child years ago and she was beside her self but she had her pictures and  experience she had with this wonderful child.

  I guess after seeing both sides they are close to one of the same.  I would feel more at ease with my child being with jesus than with  a couple i really don't know.

   My son  get's visitaion with his son now. But if the child ask about his childhood when he get's older my son has no pictures  and nothing to tell him until 18 month when he first saw him. It's just like the woman that found out that her baby dies of sids after adoption and she  had being waiting for years to find him just be told he died  or the lady that gave her baby up and waited until the child wasover 18 to start looking for him only to find out the adopted mother had beat the child to dead. She The birth mother had then open the case and after 18 years or so the adopted mother finally had her time in jail for murder *(true story)

Answer 20

Adoption is usually through choice...so I would presume easier to deal with. Also when a child is adopted they still have their whole lives ahead of them, hopefully in a loving family, they have a future, hopes and dreams to fulfil...when a child dies all that is lost forever.

Answer 21

no because adoption is a choice you made.

Answer 22

Why did you lose your child?

That is so sad:( *hugs*

Answer 23

it is had losing a child but it is also hard always wondering about what they are doing if they are ok, what they will be like when they get older and yes it could be causing your pain and you should try fighting to get him back