Question:

Is love something that parents have to earn?

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Renee, I'm sorry you feel that way about me. I'm surprised to hear your characterize my questions that way, since I haven't asked one in several months. But in any event, I appreciate your answer (along with everyone else's). I'm very interested in what everyone has said so far.

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Hi Phil,

Fabulous Q!! I thought about it all day before I answered!

I do think that different situations have different answers for this question.

Having worked with abused and neglected children taught me how strong some parent/child bonds are. I have seen children who were horribly abused cry for their parents, worry about what will happen to them and become depressed and even dispondant from missing the parents that they love.

(One of the heartwrenching things I have ever witnessed.)

I have seen adoptive and foster parents EARN the love of older children who had severe anger and trust issues among other things.

(One of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.)

I have a friend I've known since high school who loved his APs as a child but they lost it though a series of lies and unacceptance. He hasn't spoken to them since his senior year. They have since disowned him.

(One of the cruelest things I have ever witnessed.)

I know adoptees who love their APs so much that they are afraid to search for their truth, for fear of upsetting them even though they long to know their bio families and not having answers causes them severe pain.

(One of the saddest things I have ever seen.)

I have seen reunions between long lost family members end in instant loving and healthy relationships, even after decades of separation.

(One of the happiest things I have ever seen.)

I could give a million more examples.

Love is as unique as snowflakes, adoptions and people. (The conditions have a lot to do with how they turn out!)

Love is so many things at once!

It is both strong and extremely fragile.

It can bring unbearable pain and overwhelming joy.

It can be freely given or earned.

(Again, a lot depends on the conditions and the people involved!)
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if anybody who does not believe in Jesus is mad at me sorry but Jesus died on the cross because he loved us. For me that says it all. Again sorry for the comment if you dont believe but thats mine
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It really depends on how you feel about them. My mom has to earn my love because she was a stripper when she got pregnant with me and had 10 different guys tested so in my case she had to earn my love but I don't know ur status so I can't judge.
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This is a very interesting question.

I think adoptive parents have to earn it; whereas, biological parents don't. At least this is the case with my son, who was put in foster care because of abuse at the age of 2. No matter what his parents did (and he remembers a lot of it) he still loves them. He always will. His attatchment to his bio-mom was a very insecure one, but his love for her is intense and big.

Did she earn his love? No. I think childrens' natural response is to try to attatch and bond when they are born. Even when the parent doesn't do much to facilitate this. This is why we get kids with RADS.

Love SHOULD be something earned, but in many cases it's not.
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no a bond between parents comes at first sight they may not like you but always love you
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it should not be but it is...

love is just like any other emotion that is earned in my opinion. there will always be a unconditional love for a parent no matter what the child says however...a parent can hurt you in a way no one else can...at least mines did...
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A Child loves their parents.. They can't help it.. it's not a concious decision they make, not something they can control... In MOST cases, this still applies to even abusive parents..

And it applies to adoptive parents that raise the child and are the child's primary caregiver, not just biological parents. (although, even if a bio parent ISN'T the primary caregiver, isn't around, I can still see a type of "love" there  for the bio parent, ingraned in the DNA, so to speak.. IF the child is aware of the bio parent's existence)

So, while it's VERY true that love should not be taken for granted, and parents should endeavor to act in a way  that makes them DESERVING of their child's love,  the fact is that love will be there.  Just like my x chromisome. It's imprinted in my DNA to love the ones who raised me, perfect or not.

But, as I said, every parent should endeavor to DESERVE that love.
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Yes. A child never has to earn love, but a parent does. I learned this because I had the stepmother from h**l. I was 12. At first I was glad to have her, which I told her. I talked to her, obeyed her, and was respectful .But she was rude, cold, never smiled or complimented me, never told me she loved me, refused to come to my school concerts or have anything to do with me or boost my self esteem or even try to get on my good side at all. She never earned my love, so I eventually stopped giving it. I still bear those scars from being made to feel unlovable. I gave her all the chances in the world, we even went to therapy. Not everyone is a wonderful parent deserving of love. I am not cruel or disrespectful to her, but i want nothing to do with her and have no wish to send her Mother's Day cards or gifts when she hasn't been a mother to me.
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No. Parents can be absolute jerks to their kids and their kids will still love them. I see it all the time.
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Sometimes:

-in cases of adopting older children

-in cases of reuniting with bio parents

-in cases of step parenting

-in cases of early abandonment

While love and hate can coexist and kids have a remarkable ability to love their parents no matter what, including extremely abusive situations, love is still not automatic.  It is individual and unique to each person. One can stop "loving" and by the same token love can conquer all. One can't make assumptions that their feelings are universal for everyone.

  Love shouldn't be taken for granted.  To a certain extent we all need to value it and "earn" it from the people we care about.
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No, no one has to earn love. Love comes natural just like any other feelings.
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No. love is something that is not earned but respected. if someone "loves you" that means that they like or love the person they know u are... to love is to be loved....
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no no no, you may say that because maybe you want something you cant have. ex:"You have to earn your love from me if you don't buy me this toy". So just love them even if they embarrass you.
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No.

And this isn't just for parents, this is for all people. All people deserve to be loved and respected, and we should have a natural inclination to be compassionate for of all races, creed, age, disposition and whatever else.

Trust and respect are things that can be lost. But love should never be foresaken, no matter how bad a situation is. Once we decide to hate, it is only ourselves that lose. And even though respect can be compromised (when it comes to respect as a leader, a family member or whatever else), we should never allow ourselves to lose respect for anyone's human dignity, regardless of what happened.

And you can love someone without trust. I wouldn't trust my twelve-year-old sister behind the wheel of a car, but I love her quite a bit. Many parents have children that learn to lie, and therefore have a hard time believing what they say. I myself was a rather terrible liar at 8 and 9 years old (in case you are wondering, I HAVE grown out of it! :-)), and my parents frequently told me that because I lied to them so many times, they couldn't trust if what I was saying was true. But they still loved me very much.

That's what love is. Inspite of everything, in spite of how you have been treated, in spite of the circumstances, in spite of what you have been told, you still have compassion for them. Love isn't something that is earned or taken away. Love isn't breakable. Love does not go away either. If love comes and goes, then there really isn't love, and it will be a sad day when love does not last.
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complicated question . . .

if one earns love by providing loving acts, that may easily answer your question

but . . .

let's look at the parents who abuse their children. For wahtever reason, that child still "loves" their parents even though they did not provide any loving acts. The child loves their parent because it is their parent; it's all they know.

it is not a simple question to answer so the answers given here are going to run the gammut.

Steve (right below me) has the best answer yet!
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Love is not something parents have to earn. Nobody earns love. They already have it no matter what. You dont deserve love because you earned it. You get it no matter what. Even if your parents hit you or done something even worse and made you really mad it does not mean that they have to earn your love back. Parents raise you not only just to have a baby but because they love their child, and they wanted the best for their child.

I hope this helps. :)
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No, love is not something that most parents have to earn in this world.  Unfortunately, that means a lot of parents think they are 'deserving' of this unconditional love when really I feel that they should 'prove' their own love for their child before even thinking twice about having this 'love' reciprocated. So, YES it SHOULD be something that they earn.

There are many types of love though.  You can love somebody but not like them.  You can truly love & adore somebody or you can also be IN love with someone.

Bottom line a child did not ask to be brought into this world, therefore the love a parent has for that child should never be anything less than unconditional love.  The flip side of that is a child's love for a parent SHOULD not be used against a child & expected out of them.  A parent should prove themselves in order to give that child a reason to trust & love their parents.  Unfortunately, many parents reverse the role & only love them 'when they're good' yet expect to be put on a pedestal by their children.

Yeah my parents may get an extra pass & I may be more forgiving towards them than a stranger but in reality what gives them this power to make children 'bow' to them?  Parents are suppose to put a roof over their kid's head, food on the table, clothes on their backs, love them & raise them properly without a pat on the back as that is what should be expected from them...anything less is neglect.
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Yes, and no.  I think we can love someone for WHO they are but not WHAT they are...or vice versa.

This is a complicated question, and a good one!

I loved my aparents because they were wonderful people and I respected them greatly.

I also loved my n-parents from day one, because of WHO they were to me...even before I ever knew who they were.

And you can love someone and hate them at the same time, when they do absolutely NOTHING to earn your love, like when you get into a really BAAAAAD relationship but you just can't seem to let go.

So, I don't know...maybe I'm not making any sense, Phil, sorry.  I'll shut up now.
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love is something parents have to earn. They cannot just start out with it. Just because someone is part of your family doesn't mean you love them.
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no
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I just looked up "earn: to gain for the performance of service, labor, or work."

That seems to say that if you do the work, love is the recompense. No matter how much I do for my children, love is a free gift for them to give... or not.

You know, it would be creepy in a boyfriend to tell you "i've done everything for you, I earned your love".  I feel it's rather creepy for an adoptive parent to feel that way too. After all, if the feeling isn't there, a person can't manufacture it.  I love my children with all my heart, but just as I didn't expect their love automatically because I have adoption papers, I don't expect it as my right because I'm trying to be a good mom.
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Yes, yes it is. Actually, everyone has to earn love.
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Yes. It doesn't matter if a child is adopted of it the child is biological.

Respect +Honesty +Trust= Love.

I think that many a-parents adopting in places like Guatemala will not get the love they expect because some of the factors in that equation are missing. Denial and ignorance will not be a justification as many of delusional people seem to think or are taking a chance on.
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you cant earn love

love can never be bought its natural
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No. Respect and trust are things to be earned.
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Yes.  Absolutely, hands down, no question.  My parents "earned" a kind of sick, twisted love where I don't trust them (or anyone else), but I still have this insane desire for their approval.  Hopefully I'll earn a different kind of love from my kids.  Parents have to earn respect, too.

ETA:  I want to also say that it's entirely up to the child to decide when and if that love has been earned, and it's entirely up to them when and if to take it away.  It's my job to do the best d**n job I can do as a parent, but it's NOT my job to determine what I ought to get out of it.
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