Question:

Is my Story good? This is the first chapter and i am looking for some feedback please, thanks?

by  |  earlier

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The first time I laid eyes on my future fiancé he was wearing a bathrobe. Not

exactly love at first sight. I never got a straight answer as to why Tom had checked himself into a psychiatric hospital. Not that it mattered. At the time, I was grappling with my own reason for admission.

For months, I had been lost in a fog of depression- a fog so thick it permeated every cell, clouding my judgment, distorting my view of past accomplishments and future hopes. I was socked in, and death, I thought was my only way out. It was that kind of thinking that landed me in a psychiatric hospital on Manhattan’s Upper East Side.

The hospital was equal parts jail, Survivor, and seventh grade. Alliances were made and broken, authority figures loved and hated, and every action and reaction became fodder for discussion. We were on the fifth floor-a ward with a certain cachet, reserved for high-functioning patients, the best and the brightest of the mood-disordered. Not a drooler among us.

While sweat clothes were de rigueur, first day patients were required to wear hospital gowns: a hazing of sorts, and the first of many humiliations. At the mandatory community meeting where he was introduced, Tom wore the standard issue, blue and white striped robe, reason enough for him to sink silently into one of the Naugahyde chairs. But he didn’t. He didn’t care. Not about the ridiculous look and certainly not about the rules of etiquette for rookie patients. Tom weighed in on every topic, his opinion delivered like a pronouncement, as though he had been anointed spokesperson for the nut cases.

“What an arrogant man. What’s his problem?” Like most of my thoughts, I kept it to myself.

If he was so high side of normal on the scale of mood-disorders, I was tipping towards catatonic. After six weeks of hospitalization and five different medication trials, depression still had me in a strangehold.

For a few days, I kept my distance. But on Fourth of July, I joined my fellow patients on the rooftop to watch the fireworks. Our view was filtered through the chain linked fence that covered the walls and ceiling.

“How do you like the birdcage?” I asked Tom. For the rest of the evening we traded observations about the staff, patients, and the life on the fifth floor, “She’s a huge Sylvia Plath fan.” I said about a depressed teenage poet. “ Stockholm syndrome,” Tom whispered, referring to a patient who insisted on defending the staff. Later that week we partnered in a game of Trivial Pursuit. As a team we were unbeatable.

Before long, we were exchanging life stories. He grew up in an affluent family, the oldest of three. While his passion was music, he became a lawyer to meet his father’s expectations. Now he had a successful practice, two small children, and a soon to be ex-wife. To hear him tell it, the hospital stay was a kind of time-out, a respite from the stress of work and a failed marriage. He didn’t delve into the particulars, and i didn’t press for details.

this is only the first chapter but i would like to know if i should carry on

thx in advance

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8 ANSWERS


  1. I didn't read it all because i don't have time at the moment, but i will defiantly come back to read more. It sounds wonderful. Keep at it. But it's too short to be a chapter...


  2. It's very interesting and its keeps the reader wanting to read more (well I did anyway). Please keep writing and post the nxt chapter up here soon!!

    Answer mine plz - http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

  3. i didn't even read it all and it sounds wonderful. you have a lovely voice and a appealing, careful way of writing. the first sentence set a great tone for the book! sounds great, i would love to see what comes of it.

  4. I thought it was a good begining. It was a little short to be a chapter though.  

  5. Jules is right; it'll have to be the prolouge.

  6. You had me at "seventh grade". I love this. I read most of the stories that get posted on here, and this is one of the best I've read in a long time. It's really interesting and I'm already suckered in. I'd love to read the rest.

    Good job, and keep writing!

  7. I like!

  8. I think you have a good start. It certainly was catching my interest. Don't forget the smells, the sounds , the feel of the place. The reader wants to experience it with you. Also the colors around you and your feelings. People want to go there  and  turn the next corner with you to see whats on the other side. You have a great start, please don't stop. You are very talented.Good luck

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