Is my child mentally ill or just stubborn and difficult?

Question

My 11 year old girl gets straight A's. She has plenty friends and is well behaved around others. However, when she is at home, for most part she is fine except when things get stressful. She does not want to go to school so she throws massive fits. She rolls on the floor as if she has convulsions. She screams at us (her parents) her older sister and her younger brother. She will repetitively say "help me, why don't you ever help". Or "now everyone is mad at me again" even though we assure her that despite her awful behavior we still love her and we are not mad. We try to help with kindness and whatever we can think of that is within our power but it is Never enough or helping to her. She mostly throws fits when things don't go her way. She has always been like that, even as a baby. I don't know how much is maybe anxiety and not controllable by her or is she just trying to get her way? I know it's hard for others to figure that out especially over the net, but any advice or hearing from someone with experience with that would help. Our other 2 kids are very happy and easy going. This morning she threw a massive fit, like someone with Tourette's syndrom except she doesn't use swear words. I was going to dump cold water on her to snap her out of it but my husband wouldn't like that. I also told her that if she behaves that way she may have to ride on a handicapped bus and both my older daughter and husband thought it was a bad thing to say.

Answer 1

Hi, as a social worker, I see these behaviours quite often and as you said they are normally associated with mental illnesses, but since she doesnt exhibit any other symptoms I would rule out such thing.  So making comments about the handicap bus may have been going a little too far. I understand your frustrations; I would suggest you bring her to the doctors and possibly suggest she starts seeing the school counsellor for any anxiety issues she may be having.

If she truely has a condition that is making this behaviour happen then the doctors will figure it out. If she is just being a spoiled child, then a trip to the doctors will smarten her up.

Good luck

Answer 2

Maybe Asbergers? (sorry, don't know how to spell it). Usually fine, very bright, but unable to cope with stress, or to empathize with people (relate to how others feel).

Needs things to be 'just so'

Answer 3

Tourettes doesn't mean just use of swear words. Ticks come in many forms, but I don't think this is mental anything.It sounds to me like an immature 11 year old who has learned to manipulate the situation for attention.  Unless mental illnesses run in either yours or your husbands family her chances of having it are very nill since they are typically hereditary, even if they skip a generation.

Answer 4

The only reason she does it is that she thinks it's going to get her somewhere eventually and it's really pathetic for an 11 year old. Especially for one capable of making straight A's. I refuse to believe she's mentally ill. She just needs to be punished for these "tantrums" by sending her to her room and making her stay in there. Cutting her off from computer, video game, and tv priviledges. It's not that bad to throw water on her either if she is as you say she is rolling over siblings, screaming, hitting, it's completely unacceptable and high time you gave her a wake up call. I can imagine you are really frustrated so maybe you can see a counselor... But I feel there is nothing mentally wrong she just needs to learn to accept no as a valid response coming from you and Dad.

Answer 5

i can only imagine the stress you must be going through, but maybe your daughter is just behaving irresponsibly. There is an easy way to check this. Talk to her about going to a psychiatrist.See the way she responds. Most probably, she will apologize for her behavior or she will get scared , both of which will tell you if she did it on purpose. But beware, you will have to be very understanding to pull it off, you cant scold her in that state of mind.  

Answer 6

When she has her "fits" does it look like she is still "there" or has elvis left the building? My son has some developmental delays on the autism spectrum. He has had huge violent rages since he was 2-3 years old. In the last 18 months I have had a huge 3x4 inch bruise on my chest, another 2x3 bruise on my arm, a small cut on my arm and a bruised nose from trying to restrain him during one of his rages. If you look at him in the eye during his rages you can see that the boy you know "isn't there", he has almost no control over these attacks once they start. I have to put him on the ground and literally sit on him to restrain him so he cannot hurt me. Once they are over you can see that he has "come back" and that it is safe to let him up. He is mostly very sorry that he has done this. He was borderline suicidal when he raged on his 5th grade teacher. I consulted 2 different psychiatrists and they agreed that he needed to be on an anti-psychotic called Risperdal. One of the doctors explained that it "dials down" the "fight or flight" response so he is much less likey to rage on us.

I would ask to have a full evaluation done by a child psychiatrist. I would let your daughter know that the doctor is there to help her learn how to not get so mad and out of control. Make it sound like you are giving her a tool to deal with the situation on her own, not like you cannot deal with it so she needs professional help. Feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat. I know how hard it is to deal with children like ours.

Answer 7

I think you need to have your daughter evaluated by a mental health professional who specializes in dealing with children. That professional should be able to determine whether your daughter has mental problems or is just being obnoxious and immature, and help you determine the best way to stabilize her behavior. Good luck!

Answer 8

i wouldn't say she is mentally ill but i do think she has something wrong with her. and no you shouldn't have said that

Answer 9

she needs at this late age a child counselor ASAP...5 years ago a darn good paddleing might have fix the behavior...

My oldest did that "once" and only once....her daughter tried the same thing "once"...

she needed a few more rules to govern her behavior than the other calmer siblings...

Answer 10

Sounds like you just need to not give into her tantrums and give her a good punishment to snap her out of this behavior. Attention is defintely what she is wanting and the way she is "asking" for it, is not the kind you should be giving into. You shouldn't be telling her she is going to ride a handicap bus if she doesnt quit. Dang what is wrong with you? Perhaps you are the problem. How about having her checked by a doctor just in case. And do not forget to tell the dr. the things you tell your child, like she is going to have to ride a handicap bus if she doesnt behave. Good grief.

Answer 11

Is she ONLY does this at home and does it WORSE for you than anyone else, then it isn't mental illness, it is a behavior problem.  A person with a mental illness can't just turn it off and be pleasant at school and then turn it back on and be a terror at home.   It sounds like you need to lay down the law with this child and make her obey...and possibly paddle her behind. It sounds like you spend a lot more time arguing and pacifying her than in teaching her that you are in charge and she must obey your rules.

Answer 12

If she has a tantrum and then gets things given to her as a result, I think maybe it is learned behavior that both you and your husband are guilty of doing since she was a small child.  She does sound a bit spoiled.

Answer 13

Part of this sounds familiar to me, though this is much more extreme than what I have witnessed.

Is she very driven, expects perfection of herself,etc? If she is putting so much pressure on herself to achieve with grades, school, friends, just life in general like the child I witnessed you really need to find away to help her cope. When you expect 100% of your self at all times you are bound to lose it when you can't.

She needs to talk to the school counselor ASAP, or I guess you do, and get a referral to see someone who deals with this type issue. She also needs to see her medical doctor to rule out or confirm some physical problems.

When we realized most of the issues here were caused by the child pushing herself for perfection she was having headaches, stomach aches, having meltdowns if she couldn't do a homework problem,etc. She had decided somehow that she needed to be perfect in every thing. She was sure if she wasn't that she would be disappointing someone.

It was scary to see. She also felt nobody understood how she felt inside. That would make her angry which she'd keep inside until she'd have a meltdown and fall apart.

Seeing the counselor has helped a lot.

I hope you will be able to get help soon. Your daughter is suffering even if she can't tell you why. When she is begging for help she is telling you how she really feels and showing that she is afraid of what she's holding in. Good luck.

edit.........Wow, it souds like we are talking about the same child! This one is a good artist also and she really wants things right.

With the counsoler we got lucky. Something happened at school and they helped us find someone. They actually have a child pshycologist there who she had seen when she was tested for gifted. Thats part of the problem too, they get bored so easy with the slow pace in class. Do they have any one at her school that does that type stuff? She needed a kid pshycoligist to help her deal with what are basically anger issues. She would get angry over every little thing and then hold it in until she'd erupt. She got mad at not knowing her school work and we had to explain thats what teachers are for, to teach since she couldn't know every thing w/o a teacher. That was when she was 7 or so. She is also 11. I have to leave the house now, can I just give you my email address for later? Yahoo isn't working for some reason so this is my AOL one.

[e-mail]

Sorry its so long. We are off to the doctor but I'll be home later and I'll try to answer every thing.

Please email me......Lynn

edit...1 more time

I think some of you are getting the wrong picture here. This is not a child who is beating up kids or torturing animals. She is only angry at her self. She is asking for help. She knows something is wrong but she can't fix it alone. Her mom is asking for help not abuse. You have a right to your opinion but advice is better than attack. People write on her asking total BS questions like how long do you tickle a kid, 75 times she's written that and people give real answers. not OMG your a freak but real answers.

Have any of you seen an adult with a type A personality? One who can accept nothing but the very best from them selves or any one else? Thast the way this poor child is. She wants to be perfect ALL of the time and she can't. no one can. Adults realize this but how does a child know? She needs help. She needs guidelines and boundries. We all do. Its really hard to say your child needs more help than you can give. We all want to think we can make the world right for our babies. So we try.sometimes we try to long until we realize we can't be the fixer.

It hurts so much to feel you can't make your own child be happy with herself. You wonder what you did wrong. Sometimes you have to know that people are just wired different and things matter to them moe than they should. Like drawing a picture or having all A's.

Off my soap box now.

Answer 14

The problem isn't the daughter the problem is that the parent's have never disciplined her.  You say that as a small child (baby) she was this way, so you allowed your child to throw her tantrums and you gave those tantrums attention instead of ignoring the tantrums and using discipline methods such as time outs, or putting her in her bedroom until she ceased the tantrums.  Now that she has entered puberty the tantrums have escalated all because you enabled them in the first place.  The only thing you can do at this point is go all the way back to square one and start to discipline her for throwing these fits.  Stop enabling them.  When she has a "melt down" walk away.  To not respond to her tantrums at all.  What YOU told your daughter this morning was uncalled for because you are blaming her for something that YOU have allowed to happen.  

Answer 15

wow.  i have to say, this doesn't at all sound strange to me...i have seen this multiple times!!  first of all, if you are really trying to distinguish between behavior and an illness, i think you are right in telling your daughter she will have to ride the short bus.  she needs to understand that if she chooses to act that way, you are going to assume she has a problem, and let her know what happens to kids who have her type of "problems".  Doctors visits, not being able to stay in the same classroom as her friends, etc........  Because truely, if she does have an illness, that is what is going to happen.

somehow, she is continuing this bahavior, because in doing so, she is getting something out of it; whether you are giving in to her fits or she is getting attention.....the best way to reverse this type of control, is to take it away from her.  Tell her it's OKAY to throw a fit, but the only place she is allowed to do it is in her room.  It's also important to not show signs of anger or even patience with her...try to keep it as emotionless as possible, but be very clear that people don't like to be around her when she acts that way.  You love her always, but you don't always like her when she acts out.  She needs to learn, especially at this age, how she acts will determine how others respond to her.  If she acts in a negative way, others are not going to like her.

Does she do this at school?  Around friends?  Do you notice it at certain times a day more than other times? How is her diet?  How are her sleep habits?  Is she having problems with her teacher?  Do you and your spouse both work outside the home?  Does she have a lot of after school activities?...........All of these things factor into her behavior.  If she is throwing fits because things don't go her way, give her a choice.  She can accept your way, or if she decides to throw a fit, than  let her know that her world is going to get a lot worse.  Remember, YOU are the parents, and kids will only act out as much as you allow them to.  I fully believe in punishing bad behavior; do what you think is necessary whether it be grounding or confining her to her room until she wants to act like part of the family.

I worked with one child who sounds very similar; and recently diagnosed with ADHD.  Although I disagree with jumping to that conclusion (as I think it is overdiagnosed), this child does not throw fits anymore because of her medication.  The reason she was throwing fits was because she was overwhelmed by everything going on around her......the medication blocks stimulus to the brain, enabeling her to not receive so much activity to stress about.  Anyway, I wish I could have suggested to her parents a change in diet and sleep habits before they started the medication, but that was their perogative.

Anyway, I know that it can be stressful, but consistancy is the key.  It may take 5-7 days before you see results from what ever direction you decide to take and stick with.