Is my dad acting this way because of his mother or alcoholism, or both? Long question...?

Question

Background:

I’m 24 now…my dad started drinking about 3 years ago after 12 years of sobriety, which was devastating to me, because he was the only person in my family I could turn to for advice and comfort. He was also kind, wise and always interested in my life, even when I could be a jerk as a teenager or young woman. Since he started drinking again, I feel like I’ve lost him; he has said inappropriate things around me, lies a lot, doesn’t return calls and loses track of events….the worst is that he doesn’t seem to care about me as much anymore. He used to call or email, especially if I hadn’t contacted him in a while.

And therein lies my problem; we haven’t talked since I was visiting my hometown in late March. I accept that I am part of the problem……it’s hard for me to explain; although I miss him and want to talk to him, I get anxious about calling him and just don’t because it’s heartbreaking to hear him impaired/drunk. But as the parent, I expect him to call me, at least to know I’m OK….

The third part to this problem is that I think my dad is adopting the attitude of his mother; throughout my life, she has always expected me to make the effort to be close to her and doesn’t try herself. For example, I had to take the public bus to her house on Christmas, and then walk 25 minutes in the snow, because she didn’t want to pick me up. She is a pessimist and full of self-pity. Lately, they have gotten so close because I believe she is a co-dependant. He is hyper-sensitive about anyone criticizing her (my siblings think of her as I do) and I wonder if he’s taking on her “poor me, nobody calls me, so damed if I call them" type attitude.

So; how do I communicate with my dad again? Is he acting this way because of alcoholism, his mother, or both? Thoughts?

Answer 1

Alcoholism is an awful disease and destroys lives. Dad has chosen to give in to the bottle and you can do nothing about it aside from pray. Try to put some distance between you two and let him call you next. At that point tell him how you feel but don't expect miracles as booze is something that grabs a hold of people.

Answer 2

I have a close relative who is a alcoholic and Everything you said about you father  is exactly the same of this relative . All the alcoholics are the same ; they lie ; they steel and they become very selfish > I do understand how tough it is on you ; because its like he had die and very suddenly ; but in a way its worst because you know he is alive ; so  you have to mourn him ; because like you said you lost your father  > How to reconnect ;;; You cannot because you are not talking to your father ; you are talking to the booze . Try to get some help from  Al anonon You have at least  a big consolation         ; you are a adult ; imagine if he had start drinking when you were 12 or 13 yrs I wish you courage and luck