Is my fiance annoyed with me, Am I being selfish? ?

Question

lately my fiance and i have been arguing more and more, to were we don't want to speak to each other. Hes constantly telling me now that I have too much of an authoritative voice, and I talk different to him than i do to my family. Tell me if am I wrong but does it sound like hes getting annoyed with me. Cause anymore its just my normal talking voice. He ignores me more, and doesn't ask to do things anymore. Half the time I can't even get him to over to my parents house and hang out. He says its too stressful at my parents house. But at his house right now, is dad is have an texting affair with a old friend in south carolina. His mom is constantly repeating facts over and over again, and is afraid to say something back at her husband. And is constantly coming to talk to us all day long about it. Then my fiance wonders why I get mad sometimes, that he does want to go to my house. And that reason is he might have to help out some. See his parents didn't make him do anything while growing up. NO chores, nothing. Now hes going to be 23, staying at home, doesn't have a car, six thousand dollars in debt, and can't keep a stable job. My parents are worried that I might be supporting him all my life, and want me to leave him. I do love him, but I really wish he would make some sacrifices like I have. Am I being selfish if i leave him? I really don't want to, but I can't live like this anymore! He doesn't want to commit that he spends too much time doing his little metal music projects on his computer and guitar. Every time I ask him to go down to my house, he gives me the excuse "I wanted to finish my song today" Even though he knew i was going to down to my house that day. He avoid things that make me happy, like family. His family rather not hang out, but sit around all day and goof around. Which you can tell with the lack of house keeping in their house. They leave clothes everywhere, dishes stack up, don't run the sweeper nor dust. My fiances father has bathe yet thing year. I don't feel like my self anymore, but I don't think this is a good reason to leave my fiance, for I believe I am only being selfish and running away for it all.

Answer 1

I would run away, he is not ready to get married, I am almost 23 and my husband is 23 we both work full 8-5 jobs, time run a small businesses. He also goes to to school full time. we both have degrees, own our house, have 2 fairly new cars (bought them new). He is immature and do you want to spend the rest of your life with? I am not saying leave him for good but maybe postpone the wedding. Take a break and see your other options.

Answer 2

     I think it's an excellent reason to leave your fiance.  You sound like a good, decent person.  For God's sake don't tie yourself up to someone with an unpleasant family, as they seem, and a man who doesn't have a job and who's always in debt.  You'd be making a rod for your own back.  Frankly, love, run like h**l!  Love can be partially summed up in one word.  Giving.  And he's obviously not prepared to give anything.  I do hope this helps,

Good luck

Mike B

Answer 3

Honey, if you can't deal now, it's not going to get better.  Make the right decision now and break it off.  Anither ring on your finger isn't going to make it better.

Answer 4

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a selfish baby who feels entitled to whatever he wants without ever making sacrifices for someone else. This is not a "stupid reason" to end a relationship. Think about your future - do you want to spend the rest of your life giving to someone who only takes? Supporting someone - financially AND emotionally - who isn't supportive of you?

You need to realize now that he is never going to change in a fundamental way. So you need to decide if you can live with him the way he is, or if you need to be with someone who can give you the support and partnership that you desire.

Answer 5

See his parents didn't make him do anything while growing up. NO chores, nothing. Now hes going to be 23, staying at home, doesn't have a car, six thousand dollars in debt, and can't keep a stable job.

ARE YOU KIDDING!!   RUN!!!

Answer 6

Your obviously at your wits end, it seems to me this isn't really a healthy relationship.

You can't talk to each other and he doesnt take your feelings in consideration.

It's sad when a relationship fizzles out like this but if you feel its really not working and that he's just getting you down, then its not worth it.

Leave him

Answer 7

You should leave. You're just not compatible, and it doesn't seem like he cares for you very much either.

Answer 8

no mam your not being selfish in order to have a relationship, both partners have to make sacrifices. do this test. its called the sandwhich test. tell him your hungry and ask him to make you a sandwich. let's say he knows yours favorite meat like for example turkey, see if he just throws a sloppy sandwich together, or see if he gives a great sandwich and even brings you a drink and chips without even asking you, now think of the sandwich of your life, if he just throws a sloppy sandwich together, then that sandwich is your life, meaning that he isn''t willing to put an effort into your relationship. now if he gives you a great sandwich then, your quality of life will be alright. you just have to talk to him and tell him whats going on. but do the test! it works.

Answer 9

Time to move on.  

Answer 10

You guys are really young and your fiance's young attitude is shining through.  He isn't ready to be married if he has no job, car, ability to support himself because he isn't yet a man.  Believe me, you want to marry a man!  Also, it sounds as if your very presence and voice is irritating to him.  That is no way to live.  If you are having these difficulties now, what makes you think things will change?  Just ask yourself if you can handle this type of lifestyle for the rest of your life... that is, if things don't get worse.

Answer 11

just becuz u guys have plans for ur future and he is ur fiance, it duznt mean that u cant leave him. it duznt seem like u guys have a very healthy relationship and constantly fighting is just gnna make u frustrated and it leads to problems later in marriage. ur not being selfish, u just want a normal relationship and he shud understand tht. i think u shud tell him how u feel and compromise but if it duznt work, spend sum time away from ur family and his family. go on a romantic vacation with him to refreshen ur relationship. if things still dont work, maybe its time to move on.  

Answer 12

My fiance' and I went through a period where it seemed arguing and frustration were the norm. He too claimed I at times had a "certain tone" with him when in fact I was talking to him like anyone else. It was difficult for us to go through that time, because we had always discussed rather than argued, but not impossible. The less we wanted to talk, the more we did. We kept in mind why we loved each other, and why we wanted a shared future. We talked things out, worked out the misunderstandings, an found better ways to handle the stress that was wreaking havoc in our lives. There were times where we both simply shut our mouths, and the let the other say how they felt, even if it was about our own behavior, and worked on the issues mentioned. I'm sure that won't be the last period of disagreement we ever have, but we're now better equipped to handle such times, and much stronger for it. We've reclaimed our happiness, and never lost our love, so the way I see it, we're a success story =]

My fiance' and I went through a period where it seemed arguing and frustration were the norm. He too claimed I at times had a "certain tone" with him when in fact I was talking to him like anyone else. It was difficult for us to go through that time, because we had always discussed rather than argued, but not impossible. The less we wanted to talk, the more we did. We kept in mind why we loved each other, and why we want a shared future. We talked things out, worked out the misunderstandings, an found better ways to handle the stress that was wreaking havoc in our lives. There were times where we both simply shut our mouths, and the let the other say how they felt, even if it was about our own behavior, and worked on the issues mentioned. I'm sure that won't be the last period of disagreement we ever have, but we're now better equipped to handle such times, and much stronger for it. We've reclaimed our happiness, and never lost our love, so the way I see it, we're a success story =]

I do think he's annoyed, but I don't think you are being selfish.

If he has a poor work ethic, and debt, that does not reflect well on his dependability.

If he isn't willing to change, then you two are not compatible. See if he's willing to work on it, start seeing each other away from your houses, and go from there.

Best of Blessings!

Answer 13

ok. then dont leave him. marry him. then in 2 years time. You wont be able to take it any more (as your already at wits end) and you will get a divorce which will take at least 6 months, and probably 30 thousand dollars. Just leave him now, no matter how much you love someone. you can never change them

Answer 14

Pure and simple, a man who fits this description “going to be 23, staying at home, doesn't have a car, six thousand dollars in debt, and can't keep a stable job” is in no way prepared for marriage.

Leaving him IS selfish, but that’s not a bad thing. It’s about taking care of yourself and doing what’s right for you. Your first priority in life should always be taking care of you. You shouldn’t stay with someone just because you think leaving them is selfish.

Answer 15

Are you marrying his family or him?  The worst thing to do is to pick at each others families.  Not one person's family is above the other.  It's easier for you to see faults in his family as he can do the same to yours.  When you're raised that way nothing seems odd to you.  So, now focus on the two of you.  Do you love each other?  Do you trust each other?  Instead of playing mind games or one upping fights spend some time together.  Even if it's with his metal music.  My hubby is a metal musician as well and loves rat rods.  To spend time with him I learned to play drums, tattoo and turn some wrenches.  I love to garden, photography, wine-making, traveling.  He learned about these to spend time with me.  If you isolate your families and can't get it together between the two of you, you never will.  Throwing his families bad qualities constantly in his face will only make him resent you.

Answer 16

Actually, you and I are going through the same thing. He also doesn't like it when I speak to him strongly and he feels that I'm trying to boss him around and take over his role of being a man and if I speak to him in such a way then I don't respect him ,but how am I supposed to respect him when in my eyes, I view him that as a child. His actions are childish, his ways are childish. All he does is play video games, doesn't have a job, and he's 24. I was so sick and tired of his behavior that I gave him an ultimatum and told him that if he doesn't change his ways in 1 week, then I'm calling the engagement off and will get back together with my ex who has a job, very mature, and settled. If your boyfriend doesn't change, you are the one that will be supporting him. Talk to him and tell him where you stand so he can change his behavior.

Answer 17

Don't leave him, but definitely call off the wedding.  You both sound like you need to get a little more mature and responsible before you take a huge step like marriage.  He's not even 23 yet- that's pretty young for a guy.  Besides, it soulds like he comes from a family of slackers, so I don't think you should expect too much from him in the way of motivation and responsibility.  

I am just curious, though- why, according to you, does he have to hang out with your family all the time to keep you happy?  Why can't you just go hang out there if you want to, and then come home to him?  There's no law that says people have to enjoy their in-laws THAT much.  His family sounds thoroughly disgusting, though (what do you mean, his dad hasn't bathed yet this year?  It's AUGUST!!!!!  Not much year left!)  It's very possible your fiance's content to follow in his family's footsteps, which means you'd end up living in squalor with a lazy husband who cheats on you via text messaging.  Maybe you ought to re-think this one, hon- but before you call it quits for good, just postpone the wedding for another, oh, three years or so.

Answer 18

>>Now hes going to be 23, staying at home, doesn't have a car, six thousand dollars in debt, and can't keep a stable job.<<

This "man" is not marriage material.  He's a child. You absolutely should end this relationship.  Problem solved.  You will not be able to make him change.  Do not think for a moment that you're selfish to leave a guy who can't hold a stable job, can't handle money, is a slob, and ignores you when you ask him to do things.

BTW, he thinks you're speaking in an authoritative voice because you have taken on a parental role to an immature loser who refuses to grow up.

Answer 19

You write:

See his parents didn't make him do anything while growing up. NO chores, nothing. Now hes going to be 23, staying at home, doesn't have a car, six thousand dollars in debt, and can't keep a stable job.

Why would you even want to marry a man who does no chores around the house, does not own a car, is $6000 in debt, and cannot hold down a stable job?  Why?

I cannot think of a reason why you would marry him.  End it, and move on.  

Start dating someone with some maturity . . . who has his own place, owns a car, is gainfully employed, etc.

I don't see how one could have a successful marriage with your current fiance.  Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.  

Answer 20

I was in a relationship exactly like this one about 2 years ago. I had been with him for 5 years and I felt that maybe no one else better would come along. He lived with his parents, his mother did everything for him, he was always getting angry at me for no reason and his father was a vietnam vet with a raging temper and a drinking problem. I after 5 years of this decided for my own sanity to leave him. It took a lot of strength & courage but I am now better off. Keep in mind that was before he helped me accumulate approx AUD$56000 in debt (to my name I might add)!!

Please for your own sanity, don't let it get as bad as it did for me. No man is worth the heartache or the stress. I have now found myself with a true gentleman. He treats me the way I deserve to be treated. We are now getting married this year and I couldn't be happier.

Listen to your heart.

Answer 21

I don't think you're being selfish.

I think you're having a battle between your heart and what your mind says...

You need to sit down with him and let him know where you are.  How you're feeling, why you feel that way and what has brought you to feeling that way.

From there, you will know if he is worth it, or if you're just wasting your time.

Love is a hard feeling to ignore but at the same time, someone who loves you would want to be the best person they can for you AND do what it takes to provide the best and happiest evnviroment (granted its not candy canes and lollipops all the time) but its the effort to do is what proves there is love.

I would seriously talk to him, lovingly, honestly and respectfully.  If it were me, I would DEFINATELY be talking to him seriously about the choices I'd make very soon.

He sounds like he's just not handling his situation and choices well... its honestly all going to depend on his reaction to you conversation.

I really hope that your love conquers through this.  

God Bless.

Answer 22

Don't marry the bum until he has a job, and then he may loose it within a week or a month if he is a bum. I was married to 2 bums, and its not fun, one of my bum husbands would have been happy living out of a car and loved living off of my welfare (when I was on it). I just don;t want to see th esame thing happen to you. Naw I don;t think your being selfish, I think you need pre-marriage counseling to see if this marriage is even going ot work, once you get married.

my current husband is also in his little world believe me if he is this way now, he will be worse once you marry him!!! He will always want to be alone and always want to do his thing, you will have to learn to find gal friends or hobbie sof your own to keep yourself busy or a life of your own, since he is happy in his own little world.  

Answer 23

It doesn't sound like you are happy at all right now. I didn't see anything nice about your fiance other then you still love him in that whole story.

I would sit down and tell him how you feel. If he wants it to work as much as you do maybe he will see how stressed you are and feel compelled to start making changes. However, I would stress to you if you want this to work don't go into the conversation pointing all the fingers at him. He will feel like you are attacking him and you will not get anything accomplished with the talk. I am sure there are things you can work on too (as with all relationships it takes 2 to make it work). If he is unwilling to help mend this relationship then you have a choice to make.

I hope that everything works out for you both. Hang in there hon. I feel for you.

Answer 24

Wow, at first I was going to say, that my husband and I got into several fights right before our wedding, but that it was caused by stress. After reading the entire story, I'd say leave him. Unfortunately, people get habits from their parents, they tend to mimick their parents life style as they get older. He's not going to change unless he wants to, and by the way he's treating you, I don't think he wants to. You need someone who's gonna give as much as they get.