Is my friend clingy or am I looking too hard at this?

Question

My fiancee and I work odd hours, both of us 12 hours and she has swing shift (which means half the days in the month will be days, and will abruptly shift to nights throwing sleep patterns off), so all sometimes dont' see each other that often and when we do, we want to actually spend some quiet time alone.

We have a friend who just moved here and is in our complex. Every day around 5pm she calls to announce she's home.... uhm, good? We work nights, meaning we're both eating dinner and an hour away from walking out the door for 12 hours. We're kind of a quiet pair and like our peace and quiet. She wants to call like 5 times a day about frivolous things. I dont' have the patience for saying nothing!

Last night she called my cell at 3 pm, which is like your 3 am for sleeping before work, waking me up btw. Then she asked my fiancee on her way home after I left to work if she could watch her kid all night cause she was called in! And she had to work 12 hours again the next day. When she was told no, she cried at my fiancee (lucky she was firm and told her no.)

We like having friends. We just dont' like unnecessary baggage! Should i feel bad? Or does she need to be talked to?

Answer 1

Just tell her you don't have time to socialize and then don't answer the phone when she calls. It seems pretty obvious that she doesn't have many friends. Perhaps behavior like this is the reason. Try to be kind to her at first, but if she doesn't understand and continues to bother you, you'll need to bluntly tell her to go away.

Just a heads up, kindness usually doesn't work on people like your friend, so be prepared to have to get ugly with her and don't feel bad about it. It's probably happened to her many times in the past and she's quite accustomed to playing the victim when in reality YOU are her victim.

Answer 2

I'd explain the situation and tell her she needs to stop. She is calling you because she doesn't have anyone else to turn to to talk to, and she is turning out to be like an annoying friend, not just a good friend. Tell her, straight up what you are annoyed about, and maybe she'll change.  

Answer 3

Just exactly what is it about this person that makes you consider her a friend?? I am assuming that you have explained to her about your horrible schedules and she is still making a nuisance of herself.

Tell her that until your schedule improves, you really aren't able to socialize at all, so could she please stop calling every day. And if she cries, no, don't feel bad. But your fiancee should try to find a better schedule or a better job. This swing arrangement will ruin her health.

Answer 4

No, I don't think you should feel bad.  Trust me, I know where you're coming from.  On the one hand, it's flattering that this person apparently thinks you're neat enough to want to chat with all the time, but on the other hand, it's frustrating because they always seem to want more of your time than you have . . . or are willing to part with.

Because you mentioned your friend wanted your fiancee to watch her kid and you didn't mention anyone else, it sounds like she's a single parent.  If that's the case, or even if she just spends most of her time around her child, she could be starved for "adult" conversation.  When you're around little kids all the time, you'd just about kill to talk to someone in your own age bracket about ANYTHING.  (I had a single friend who was a young mom who used to call me up and ask in vaguely plaintive tones what sort of music I was listening to "these days".)  It sounds like she's lonely for a bit of grown-up companionship, but hasn't realised that other people have lives of their own . . . especially going by the fact that she cried over someone refusing to babysit!

If you don't mind my advice, I suggest that the next time she calls, don't answer.  The next time she talks to you and asks why, just tell her,  "Oh, I'm sorry, but my fiancee and I were just having dinner.  We hardly ever get any alone time to just talk about our day, you know?"  If she doesn't take the hint, you may have to get a little blunter and tell her that you like her, but neither you nor your fiancee has the free time to be on the phone all the time, or to watch children short notice.  I had to do the same thing with one of my old friends from work because it was just getting to be too much.  Besides, your fiancee should come first over someone else, right?

Your friend doesn't seem like a bad person, she just seems to need to have some boundaries drawn.  I'd advise you to make some up soon before this goes on so long that you and your fiancee start to harbor serious resentment towards her instead of just frustration.