Is my husband still into me sexually?

Question

OK,here's the deal.I've been w/my hubby for many years.He's NEVER been passionate on a steady basis,but I've been OK with it until the last several yrs.Because he USE to make an effort once every 3-5 times to "include"me.Now,I wonder if he thinks I should just"take care of myself,for my satisfaction,since I got tired of waiting...well,actually got a bunch of "toys" to "spice up"our love life.If he's not interested in "passion",but I am,what can I do?B4 you tell me,get toys(got a ton)or games(have em,but he's not interested)or lingerie(sez he'd prefer me naked)let me tell you the rest.98% of the time it's always "doggy",which I've grown to like,There's times when I hold my breath waiting for a touch of his hands.He is(and always has been)TOTALLY silent when we have s*x,whereas I'm pretty noisy and it's embarrassing to me sometimes,cuz I feel like I'm lettin' him know he affects me without reciprocal reaction.I love him,and am mad about him..as in want him,all the time.I don't know if he's always been so stoic,but for me(had an emotionally trying,to say the least,childhood)THAT is infuriating,since I seem to give him all my emotion and passion,but get nothing in exchange.I don't even know when he orgasms,until he slows his strokes.God,what do I do? I need more... so much more,I wonder if he can't stand to see me,if that's why it's all doggy all the time,when doggy use to be the finisher(if you catch my drift).He says he "loves"me(on EXTREMELY rare occasions) and "wants"me,and that I've got a great butt.(which is a definite plus when all your man wants is doggy)but how do I know if it's just his weirdness and refusal to change or if I'm not "it"for him?Like I said B4,I love him and want him DESPERATLY,but wonder if it'll EVER get better or if we don't belong w/each other.He's 42 and I'm 36.We have 3 kids together......this is the man I literally fell in love with almost at first sight.I want him to be happy,but I DESERVE happiness,too.I'm not the most beautiful chick in the world,but I'm not anywhere NEAR Quasimoto-esque either....Is it normal for a man to NOT want the "bells and wistles"of foreplay and s*x hardly ever????

Answer 1

I feel for you. In fact, I was a bit surprised at how much I empathised with you until I realised that my marriage to my late wife was, at times, almost the mirror image of how you describe yours.However, we were fortunate in that it never got quite as bad as what you say.

I believe it is reasonable for you to wish to be sexually satisfied. I also think it is reasonable for you to want to know that your husband finds you sexually desirable and to long for some feedback when you're having s*x.

Note that I say "having s*x". I use that term because it seems to me that what you describe is not making love. It sounds to me like your husband views your encounters in bed as either a "servicing" of you or about him getting relief. It definitely does not sound to me like what happens when two people who love each other express their desire to make the other happy in a physical way that is passionate, dirty (in the nicest way) and respectful.

In my book, doggy position is fine for a change now and then and it's great if the woman has a nice behind, but I do wonder if you might not be hitting the nail very precisely when you say you wonder if he doesn't want to look at you. I think that's not a good sign at all.

I find it very sad that you are clearly very passionate about him but that it seems that you might as well have passionate feelings for a brick wall.

My libido did decrease as I went through my forties and the s*x with my late wife became more infrequent and more predictable, but I think the difference between our relationship and yours was that we recognised this as a problem, discussed it and tried to make that aspect of our relationship more interesting. There was a difficulty in that she was very sexually inhibited, but she very much wanted us to be good together in every way, so she was willing to do her best. That was all I expected of her.

Having said all that, I really do not think you're going to get any useful help here. The most you can expect is people telling you that there is indeed something very wrong with your marriage and it does seem to be very much out of balance. Other advice may be offered, but we're not relationship counsellors and we don't have all the information necessary to make really useful suggestions on how - or even if - your marriage can be improved.

Since you are very unhappy in the relationship, I do think you need to seek professional help. Sorry I can't be more helpful and I do wish you well.

Answer 2

I'm not married, in fact I'm only 19. But I'll give it a shot. It sounds like you may have some insecurities with people, as in you really really need others to vocalize their feelings for you in order for you to feel secure. Did you have problems with this when you were a child? Possibly, your father wasn't affectionate enough for you? I know that's my problem.

    But anyways, I think the first thing would be to sit your husband down and try to get him to have a nice heart to heart with you. This may be very difficult, as it sounds like he's not much of a talker, or he doesn't show you very much emotion at all. Many men are like this, but it doesn't mean it's not there. You should ask him why he only wants to do it doggy style, and not try something new or have a go at the good ol' romantic missionary position. It sounds like you try very hard to please him, and spend a lot of time worrying and fussing over how he feels instead of yourself. You need to let him know that you are feeling insecure and upset, and if he is a decent man that loves you he should listen and at least take in what you have to say. Whether he makes the changes or not is up to him, and may not happen if he's stubborn. Lastly, I think it's just plain common for the romance to fizzle out of the relationship as time goes on, especially for the man. Ask him if he'd like to try anything different.

I hope everything turns out okay, you are right. As a woman you deserve your share of pleasure and happiness! :)

Answer 3

You can see the doctor and tell the situation of you husband or may he work hark thus why he was in that situation  

Answer 4

Have you ever talked to your husband about any of this.  I mean really talk.  The kind with no accusations and no judgments?  Have you explained what you desire in an intimate relationship?  Have you told him that you'd like to hear him during s*x, that it would excite you to hear him?  Have you expressed your fears and insecurities to him?  Do you know what his are?

This is a situation that no one on Y!A can help you with.  You and your husband need to figure it out.  You do that by talking.  If you can't do it on your own, you can do it with a counselor.  Your issues aren't s*x-related, but communication-related.

Answer 5

when i read this a situation i've heard about from one of my best girlfriends instantly came to my mind. her situation was even worse than yours in the way that the man would say he loves her but he would have s*x with her on extremely rare occasions,simply explaining that this is how he thinks is good. i mean in his case no matter who he'd be with, his sexual life would not get any better or any more active cause this is what he wanted, his style. cr*p,yes!

so, where i want to get, i would certainly say it is NOT your fault that this is happening. i would moreover say this is his own style of approaching s*x, be sure if it was you, you'd have found out by now that he has a lover or he'd want to break up.

other causes for lack of sexual lust and passion? alcohol,too much sugar,certain medication, stress, depression,childhood memories, latent homosexuality(excerpt from a medical website..who knows??don't get offended) or simply a low testosterone level.

ask him to do things to please you, provoke him to express his feelings more often, do something to raise his interest in you again, ask about his fantasies, what turns him on, old saying but yes i'd certainly say honest communication is the key. success!