Is my husband too strict or am I too soft?

Question

My husband and I have always been on complete opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to parenting. He's always been the kind of parent that expects perfection out of the kids and when they don't deliver, they get grounded or yelled at or get things taken away, etc. I'm more laid back. I expect the kids to obey the rules but I also realize that kids will be kids and I tend to let the small stuff slide.

For example: We got a new couch and if my husband sees one of the kids kneeling on it or hanging off the edge of it or jumping on it, he makes them sit on the floor the rest of the day. I'm not so militant about it, I'll give them 1 or 2 warnings, but if they continue to disobey, 3 or 4 or 5 times, that's when they get punished. Not necessarily sitting on the floor all day, but some form of punishment. This is just one example....but it's like this ALL the time. It's a constant argument between us. How can we come together and reach some kind of agreement as to how these situations should be handled? Thanks for any advice :)

Answer 1

It really depends on different things that come up. I am sorry but a new couch it isn't going to last long if they treat it like that I would probably have a couch they need to be on and the new one they can't get on so company has a nice one to sit on. I don't know what other problems you have but if it gets more serious then a couch then you both need to sit down and talk things out because the kids will have you both in disagreement everyday and it will give them fuel to start arguments between you both.I raised two kids and if I could go back I would because you both should always be in agreement no matter what if you can't at least don't let the kids hear you disagree.  

Answer 2

I dont find that strict..Your husband is their father as well..and he has rights over his children..I don't think you should be upset..dads tend to act that way..Hes a father, and he wants his children to obey their rules..

Sometimes you need to act such a way with kids to make ethem understand that their are rules in the house.

I'm sure he loves them..just as much as you do..but he also wants them to follow rules..  This will teach the children respect and honor..

Probably you can talk to your children and husband together and come up with a plan to follow daily. SUch as a plan for chores around the house..who will do what and at what time.. You can tel hem what time the iy can watch tv..and what time they cant.You can talk about homework..how it needs to be done..

Teach them about respecting items in the house..etc..

Answer 3

This might seem off subject, but I went to a bbq the other day.  I have an eighteen month old, and there were several other toddlers - thirteen month, two years, and another, maybe sixteen month(can't remember).  Well, the other parents were all about the word no.  No, don't go into the dirt.  No, don't go into the grass.  No, stay here by mom or dad.  No, don't run.  No, don't crawl.  And not that I'm a lax parent at all, but I brought a couple extra outfits for my daughter because I knew she was going to want to run in the grass and play.  The  mother of the two year old was running after her kid with a wipe in hand....every spill of juice on his chin, if he touched a stick....it just made me think that although kids need discipline, they need some time to play and have fun.  Okay, a point here.  I know it's your personal decision, but if you have young children, you shouldn't have spent so much on a couch.  :)   But the kids shouldn't jump all over the place.  Maybe provide some time for the kids to go outside and release some of that energy.  Then, you and dad should find a way to explain to the kids about cost of things...not sure how old they are so I will assume they can reason.  Maybe make them responsible for a small chore.    It can teach them responsibility and respect.    

Answer 4

Okay first, rules are rules and if they disobey they need to find out that there is a punishment for it!! Second I hope you guys don't argue in front of the kids about this because they will catch on that they can play you against each other! Third, having two sets of rules(one for you and one for him) is never going to fly in your house especially if you let the small stuff fly and he makes them observe all the rules!!! And last, when you have many small kids in a house never buy an expensive anything if your going to let your kids destroy it and it is unreasonable to think its going to stay pretty and perfect forever!!

P.S.  I tell my daughter I will never have new till she's gone lol !!!

Answer 5

Oh, you and your husband sound a lot like my own parents.  I grew up loving my mom and strongly disliking my dad.  I know a lot of people are going to be upset that I wrote that, but it's true.

Is there any way that you and your husband can talk about why he's so strict?  Or do you think it wouldn't do any good?  Maybe you and he should try seeing a family counselor.  I have the feeling that it's not that you don't want to teach your children to behave, more that he's simply too strict.

I have three grown children.  They have turned out well.  Did well in school, college and have good jobs.  They are decent, productive, law-abiding people.  I was not overly strict though and neither was my husband.  Yes children do need to learn to control their behavior and to respect their own and other people's property but your husbands tactics seem a bit extreme to me.

I would seriously see if you could get him to go to family counseling with you.  Otherwise, your children may end up being adults who remember their father with ill feelings as well.

Answer 6

Your question is difficult to answer in general terms - so much depends on the situation and on the age of the children. I tend to be more on the lenient side, but perhaps it is good that your husband tends to be more strict, so you complement each other. (And I don't think that it hurts children to have parents with slightly different standards - that's life, and they can learn that in time.)

As far as the couch is concerned: If the rule is clear (No jumping or kneeling on the couch) one warning in a particular situation is plenty. If the child continues jumping after one warning that's intentional disobedience, which in our home means a trip over mom's knee.

Answer 7

ForestBytheSea seems to be a very enlightened Young Mom with some Great advice...Kids have to be Kids...BUT respect for Property is part of what Parents are to teach their Children. You say you bought an Expensive Couch and WITHIN A YEAR it was Destroyed because kids were jumping on it?? THOSE ARE SOME DESTUCTIVE KIDS! I have a Sectional Couch that I have had for 6 years, I have TEENAGERS (13,14 and 17) along with ALL of their Friends that use  it and They HAVEN'T Destroyed it! So if your Children are THAT out-of-control, Your Husband NEEDS to be Militant...Start Teaching your children how to Behave and your husband will more-than-likely lighten up...Help Him Out!~~Aloha~~Michelle~~