Is my love poem lovely? (thank thou)?

Question

Love poem IV

I

The light of Venus, grace of the skies

Shines with vigor in her cloudless eyes

A heavenly joy does dwell in her heart

An innocent love with no disguise

II

Long I delved in the starry sky

Where I believed my love twinkled

Yet she was there and I did not know

Under the sun, a bright spot flickered

(to be continued…)

I need some proper critique please

I need some proper critique please

I need some proper critique please

I need some proper critique please

I need some proper critique please

I need some proper critique please

so dont get tempted by two cheap points

do not disappoint me, do not tease

Answer me rightly and win 10 points!

Thank thou for thy help

Answer 1

Verse I flows very well and I really like the line you used about cloudless eyes. It was smooth yet not basic

Verse II was not as smooth Lines 1 and 2 I think are good, yet 2 and 3 seems to constrict the low a little. I will not tell you how to re-write them but I think they need to be tweaked a little

Answer 2

ok. seriously? ( stop reading if you're trying to find ppl who are just going to be nice ok?)

verse 1 is alright, nice rhythm and pretty words put together but no real direction i feel. i don't mean you need a storyline or anything, descriptive poetry can be beautiful. it just seems like the 3rd and 4th line are there to fill in the blanks. the first two lines are quite promising - would you consider starting over with those and going on from there?

verse 2 is too incomplete to say much about but the first line again makes the reader hope for more.

i think it's always difficult to sustain a high standard of writing, but don't settle for just rhyming and dramatic words. keep going ok? i'm not trying to be mean or anything here. lotsa luck.

Answer 3

it's VERY good!

your writing flows well, and makes the reader want to see more. great vocabulary!

this poem is lovely! i think it is fantastic!

if your poetry inspires someone- just one person- you've done your job.

so im here telling you that you've done your job! :)

great poetry!