Is my poem alright?

Question

when i go outside in a thunderstorm...

close my eyes....

the wind crashing against me...

i must resist...

i can barely stand the pressure...

your face is in my mind...

my heart is erasing it even as i think it...

where did i go?...

i swear sometimes i still remember your smile...

your eyes...

your laugh...

i miss it all...

bittersweet...

the tears mix with the rain...

and the scars of my past disappear...

in the wind...

i stand there...

eyes closed...

as long as i can...

open...

the rain still falls...

wind still blows...

but in the middle of a black cloud...

i see a rainbow...

i feel...

i dont know...

power?...

faith?...

love?...

enlightenment?...

no...

hope...

that's it...

hope...

maybe tomorrow is my day...

the day that changes my life...

maybe...

but right now...

i can feel the earth move...

Answer 1

I LOVE THE MIDDLE section around the rainbow part great job! got any more? post them and ill go check em out

Answer 2

The words are good, as are the images and metaphor..but

the form

of

the poem

that

stretches

out the

lines

so

I

pause

at

every line

break...

You see what I mean?  and that was without spaces in between.  Yes, there are times when space between lines "means" something and adds to the poem...long poems don't work as well with that technique.  I think your poem could have been better, even with the short lines, had you avoided the spaces between the lines, if you'd avoided using ellipses after every line (there are a few lines I "would" have used them on, but not every line), and if you'd used a capital "I" instead of the lower case "i"...why this seems to be so universal I just don't understand...it's like writing "kathy" instead of "Kathy"..."I" is capitalized because "you" are not a thing, you are a person and "I" is your name when you are not giving your actual name.

In any event, I liked your poem, just not the format.  If I'd heard the poem read, I would have had no problem understanding it, the images would have been clear and the flow beautiful...so it's only "format" and "grammar" edits I'm talking about...not the poem.

...keep writing

Answer 3

I'm a sucker for rhyming poetry which this isn't. However this poem does seem to be taken from real experience. I don't know why I just feel like it. It was very descriptive and I could imagine every image described as I was reading. This is a desired effect only achieved by good writers, so congrats. The best thing to remember is to make it so that either you connect really well with it or your reader connects with it. I have definitely felt something here and I assume that you have too.

I enjoyed how the weather paralleled the feelings felt by the speaker of the poem. very well done.

Answer 4

Great! I love how you use the spaces.

Answer 5

Its very creative and hopeful.  I can relate to it as well!