Is my poem good. i would really apreciate any sugestions?

Question

this is for my english class eassy to arrise awareness on death penalty abolish.

POEM

The great aroma of the pollinated flowers I will not be able again to smell.

Towards whom many people I killed and now are dead I am very remorseful. But I am

more remorseful for those who are still alive because those that are being controlled by the government.

Are we becoming such a Society that we can no longer discipline ourselves and our Lives that we need someone (Government) to protect us?

How many do I have to kill before they figure out that killing is wrong?

My mother will no longer hold me in her old wrinkly hands just as my victims’ mother never will.

“Eye for an Eye and tooth for a tooth” many people claim in their defense towards this death penalty bogus. Then why isn’t Mister George W. Bush also being executed, because of him almost 3000 troops diploid around the world are dead. Involuntary murder is what I call that.

No longer will I see the light of day just like my victims wont either.

To bad I have to take my own life because my conscience can’t stand all of the inmates I on death row I assassinated.

Answer 1

Your poem is kind of confusing sometimes.  You often structure your sentences illogically.

Example:

"The great aroma of ... flowers I will not be able to smell again" would never be said like that in real life; you would say "I will never again smell the great aroma of pollinated flowers."  You want to avoid messing with the natural order of a person's thoughts, because you come off sounding like Yoda.

Also, cut out words like "great" -- they are lazy adjectives that convey no valuable data.

Consult a thesaurus and reorder your sentences and your poem will be 1000 times better.

Answer 2

just rewrite it over