Is my poem too cliche and ordinary? Be honest, I can take it.?

Question

Another one gone

Another soul torn

Another dreary day

That I watched

Go by like nothing

That you'd ever want

Yet in this little time

We had it all

It's Bleak December

So hush, demon's temper

Free me from this chains

That bind me

A vagrant life

All but timeless lies

Gloomy skies, and lonely sighs

Blistering cold

With darkness they unfold

Envelopes me

Down its lusting throat

Any comments for improvement?

Answer 1

I honestly don't know too much about poetry, so I'm not a great critic, but I found it a very simple but your meaning gets across kind of poem.  The only downside is that it's the kind of poem that I feel like I've read before.

Answer 2

I don't get it:  you asked for criticism--specifically, whether your poem was clichéd and ordinary--and you got bupkes.

Your poem IS both ordinary and replete with cliché.  It lacks even a single inventive line.  It has no song in it, nor poetry.

I suspect that you know that already.

Here's one of the secrets of poetry:  "Feed your trash basket."  

Look, it was only an unimaginative moment when you wrote this.  It happens; some days 'old language and old understandings' are all you have working, and your poetic vision is in mid-blink.   At such times, you'll write no poetry worth retaining.  Don't worry about it.  Just toss this piece away and forget it.  You'll do better next time.

Answer 3

it's good. but you have no stanzas!

Answer 4

its really good

try to make your lines flow together better so it seems less like a list of depressing thoughts

but its good

Answer 5

its good

but i only like poems that rhyme

i know dumb right?

Answer 6

You need to work on properly conveying the rhythm of your poem while it's in written form. I attempted to read your work aloud but was unable to follow the "flow". Punctuation would help. Also, it may be to your benefit to omit certain lines. "That you'd ever want" and "That bind me" both seem to offer nothing to the poem in meaning, nor in rhythm.

Similes and metaphors may give this work more depth, as well.

Answer 7

I love it. It's fine the way it is. It's unique.

Answer 8

You need to separate the individual thoughts.  You can use stanzas for that, or even periods.  ^^

Answer 9

I think that your poetry is great and I'm not being condescending-Keep Writing!

Answer 10

i think it's great! it is totally the kind of poem i would read over and over. and if you tell yourself your work is ordinary, it is, but if you tell yourself your work is unique and all your own, it will be.

Answer 11

Noooo. It's awesome. I like it a lot :)

Answer 12

i write poetry myself an di think urs was pretty good....not bad at all

Answer 13

i think it's pretty good.

Answer 14

I like the poem -- as is.

Good work.

T.

Answer 15

structure it better

4/10