Is my stepdaughter my business??

Question

I have a nine year old stepdaughter, that stays with us every other weekend, and sometimes through the week and on holidays. Her mother and I do not get along, nor does my husband get along with her. I simply just do not speak to her. She feels like I should have no say in anything about their child, no discipline, she should not go anywhere with me without her father, I can't pick her up or drop her off, etc... My husband and I have two other children as well. He works alot, and sometimes I'm left alone with all of the kids on the weekends. Is it my place to punish her when her father is not around? He does not have a problem with it, considering our other two kids have to listen to me, but I don't want to overstep my boundaries with her mother. Even though I don't like her mother, I respect the fact that she is her mother. I try to put myself in her shoes, but I'm not sure what I should do. She has to be made to obey the rules, or she will walk all over me. I don't think it's fair for the other children to get punished for things, and her not if she was doing it too. What do you think?

Answer 1

1.  you have no legal rights where your step-daughter is concerned.

2.  unless you have been involved w/ the child from about toddler age, you won't have much success being the primary disciplinarian in your home with her even if the mom and dad are agreeable.  your best bet is to be dad's back up.  Dad needs to teach her that when she is at his house you are an authority  figure to be listened to but any punishment you give out should be in line with what dad says is alright.  Dad needs to tell her what the rules of the house are and what is expected of her.  Dad needs to be the primary disciplinarian with you as his back up.

3.  if you are the only person available to pick the child up on visitation days then your husband may be able to go back to court and accuse his ex of keeping the child from him, but if she's refusing to turn the child over to you then there isn't much you can do about it.  your husband will have to deal with that.

4.  "her mother wants her to come to our house and do as she pleases."  HA!  Just ignore the woman, let your husband deal with her and you provide a peaceful and safe place for all of his children.

there are some areas where the step-parent has no say in what happens to the step-child and there are some areas where they should have say because of how it affects the entire family and because it's just practical.  You and your husband get to decide what the rules are in your home and what the penalties are for the breaking rules.  The ex is doing typical stupid annoying things to make your lives difficult and she should be ignored.  She's the bad thing you have to deal with in your marriage.  It's the cost of keeping your husband.  Ignore her.  One day she may remarry and then she'll have some other man to torment.

Answer 2

I wouldn't try to take controll of her, but try to make a small relationship with her so that she will respect you... you never know what could happen if you come to know her a little more. You may find out that you have things in common!

Answer 3

How old is your step daughter? Legally you have no rights over your step daughter. But if she is a regular visitor to your home and your hubby is not there then yes, it falls to you to be her caregiver. Her caregiver, not her punisher. Try sitting down and talking with her if you can, you sound like a responsible mum, show her you are a person who can listen not just an authority figure. You just might find she listens to you and you develop a good relationship. Be patient and good luck.

Answer 4

Make her obey your rules. Her mom is a nut case.  

Answer 5

Well first of all, your husband needs to step up to the plate and explain to his daughter the way it is and how it's going to be when he's not around. When he's home he should be the one to talk or discipline her. When he's gone, this is your responsibility to discipline her when needed. Your also right about her stepping all over you and getting away with what she can. She might be trying to see if she can get away with more stuff when she's with you than her mother. You might talk with her mother and see what's acceptable and not acceptable at home when she's not with you and your husband. Maybe the ex-wife and husband already have some kind of agreement worked out as to how they were going to raise her in their divorce decree. In any matter, I would consult the husband to see how he wants the matter at hand handled and let the daughter know this is what her father said to do.

Answer 6

Your house, your rules.. Punishment needs to be the same for all 3 children even if one of them is not yours. If your husband doesn't have a problem then I don't see why you couldn't enforce the same consequences as your 2 other kids. If his ex has a problem with it, then he needs to talk to her and let her know that those are the rules in his house and that is what it will be. Good Luck and hope it works out.  

Answer 7

It's a really tough situation. These videos will really help, it goes through it all: http://www.videojug.com/tag/stepfamilies

Answer 8

It is your home and those are your children. It is not only unfair to your children when you do not make her mind but it is unfair to her as well. What her mom says about you disciplining her is irrelevant when she is at YOUR HOUSE. If your husband has no problem with this...Do it. And if he did, then we would have a serious sit-down! Regardless of her mom and what she thinks, it is still YOUR HOME and those are YOUR CHILDREN and YOU are the ADULT! It is up to you. No one else, and it is also up to you to set a good example for your children. Discipline her and don't treat her any differently that you do your own children. She has friends, she has friends at school,neighborhood kids...She has enough friends..She doesn't need another one. Don't be her friend, be her parent.

Good Luck

-Cindy

Answer 9

First off I would not let my daughter or son be with another woman cuz my situation is totally diff then yours.

Reason I wold not allow it:

1. You see my daughter ain't really me ex's kid, but my son is, and he still gonna ack as the dad cuz she got his last name and never seen biological daddy, my ex was at the hospital when my daughter was born not biological.

2. He begged me to have his kid, then talk about his stupid ex 2 years latter, walked out on me, and do things just to hurt me.

But you on the other should have the moms permission to be a step mother figure cuz y'all don't seem like y'all are trying hurt the mommy emotional.

But she probley see you as another woman that snag her man, and is problem afraid her child will like you better. Try even though its hard to build a relationship with the mommy, maybe if you trust her she can babysit sometimes so she can have all three kids and feel like a big part of her daughters life. Cuz I know as a mom I even get jealous when my daughter ack like she loves grandma better ya feel me.

So that's gonna take time to build relationship with daughter and mother, but if you love your man its worth the time and effort.

Answer 10

The child is under your roof and if you do not discipline her she will quickly learn that she does not have to follow the rules that her siblings do.  I am the disciplinarian in my household and my stepson (we have custody) has to follow the same rules as our children.  The ex-wife is apparently jealous of your relationship and is doing a great disservice to her child (your step-daughter) by trying to hurt the relationship between you, your husband and step-daughter.  Stick in there.  Your stepdaughter may not like it that you discipline her but she will thank you in the long run.  GOOD LUCK!!!