Is my story good? Please help me!?

Question

Please give tips, what would make my story better?

Kellie and I were climbing a tree. “

I`m way higher than you” I said.

“Hey, can you help me because I think I`m about to slip.” So without hesitating I let down my arm to help her up, but when I did she pulled to hard and we started to fall. But as we were about to hit the ground I grabbed on to the last strong branch on the tree.

“Hey Kellie, Nikki where are you?” And as soon as I heard those voices I knew it had to be Angel and Beth. So I chanted

“Were over here” When they saw us dangling from the tree, they ran to us and Angel ask

“What happened are you ok?”

“Yes were fine but could you get your dad to help us get down.” She ran over to the doorbell and rung it at least a million times. Her dad saw us dangling and got his ladder and got us down in about 10 seconds. So after that Beth had to home and we all said

“Bye, meet you on the trampoline at 2:00 tomorrow!”

So we all ran as fast as we could to my trampoline and we played, Would you rather, and, Truth or Dare. When I went home my mom kept telling me to go to bed but I didn`t want to because tomorrow was the last day of summer! That was the bad part but the good part was it was my birthday. So I finally went to bed at 11:30. When I woke up all my friends were standing at the foot of my bed with presents in their hands.

“Oh my god”

I had gotten the stuffed animal that I always wanted. My mom got me a digital camera! For the rest of the day we played a bunch of outside games. The next day I was finally the top dog of the Elementary School! I got Mr. Jordan for homeroom and I had him for all the subjects. So after some time of school is was a Thanksgiving break. Me and my friends played hit the turkey and wore our turkey t-shirts.

“Beth, I think your mom is calling you to help with dinner.”

And sure enough her mom was indeed calling her because we were at her house. Because of course, they were the host of the party. So when we went to school the next day we didn`t see Beth at the book club we have every Monday. So when we got home after my mom picked us up, we went over to Beth`s house to see what was wrong. It turned out that when Beth was going down the stairs to her front door she slipped and broke her right ankle and had to go straight to Emergency Room. Her mom said

“She`s up in her room and she might be asleep and if she is don’t bother her please and Thank you.”

Answer 1

What's the point of this story? You have to try to focus on one thing: if it's about Beth breaking her ankle, then you could focus on going to the book club group and not noticing her, and being worried about her, and then what happens up to the point where you find out that she breaks her ankle. You're shoving a large period of time and too many events into a story that's far too short. Your characters don't have any depth to them, and there's no emotional appeal to any of them: you need to make the reader /care/ about what happens to everybody. Stay away from going "This happened, and this happened." It makes a boring story. Dive into your characters and explain who they are and what they mean to you. Describe their lives, and why the reader should care about them.

And do find a focus. Figure out what you want to write about, write down all the events surrounding that, and get rid of everything else.

Answer 2

it is perfect  

Answer 3

That's a great story, I like the pace of it and the way it unfolds, it really sets the atmosphere! To improve it I would say maybe to add some more descriptions of the characters, like what they look like or sound like, so in other words more adjectives to describe things. Maybe slow it down a LITTLE by concentrating more on what is happening at each part, maybe expand on each situation a little. Good going so far, well done!

Answer 4

Well, it jumps around a lot; but I read the whole thing--that's got to mean something.

Answer 5

Your story reads as if you are making notations in your diary, listing the events of your day.  In order to hold the attention of your potential readers, you need to write with emotion; additionally, you should be more descriptive in your plot.  I am guessing that you are young, right?  Young writers display the tendency to be in a great hurry to tell their stories, thus reluctant to build the tensions in the stories which lead to exciting climaxes.  You will need to study the basics of style and grammar, too, if you desire to become a real writer.  You must practice daily until you master the art of story-telling, but you have plenty of time to do that!  Good luck!