Is my thesis statement good if not can u edit it for me palease Yahoo FRIENDS

Question

In eastern North America, Great lakes are a group of five freshwater lakes between the United States and Canada, such that include Lakes Superior, Huron, Erie, Ontario, and Michigan. The great lakes have various branches of study and there is always an ongoing research in the study of the great lakes. Although there are many research going on in different lakes about different things but my main concern is on the Mass Balance of Lake Michigan’s two primary chemicals. Mass balance of Phosphorus and Nitrogen is a growing concern of Lake Michigan.

Answer 1

In eastern North America, Great lakes are a group of five freshwater lakes between the United States and Canada, that include Lakes Superior, Huron, Erie, Ontario, and Michigan. Due to various archaic factors that foster scientists' interest, there is a vast amount of scientific inquiry and research done on these lakes. However, of these multitudes of interests and concerns of scientists, there should be stronger concentration of funds and research on the mass balance of phosphorous and nitrogen, (which are harming the ecosystem and environment drastically. )

I'm not sure what to say, but say something alike in the parenthesis.  

Answer 2

Good, but a couple of grammatical erros. "Although there are many researc..." Consider saying "Although there is a great deal of research occurring on the various lakes, my main concern is the ......" Also "Mass balance..." Consider saying "The mass balance of phosophorus...." etc. What do you mean by "mass balance anyway? Why did you capitalize it?  

Answer 3

Many of the Great Lakes are considered to be in the Midwest.  One is in the United States entirely.

You should be consistant in capitalization 'the Great Lakes'

Waterways have 'branches' of their own so areas of study might be better word choice than branches.

'My' is first person, go all passive voice.

'Mass Balance' is introduced but not defined.

Your Thesis is about Lake Michigan, but you spent all the paragraph talking about Great Lakes.  It's like a twist at the end.