Is my way of thinking wrong ?

Question

I always second guess myself and I dunno if its me or if the husband is gettin inside my head if you can understand what i mean LOL we been together 13 years have 2 children ive been a stay at home mom sense my 1st born anyhow He works of course and I do everything else you know cook clean ..take care of the kiddo's I even mow the grass and clean the yard along with wash our vehicles ect...apart from all that I take care of him very good got his clothes layed out for work cook him breakfast and make him a fresh lunch im sure u get the picture which i dont mind doing any of these things its just i feel his way of thinking is wrong he feels he works and EVERYTHING ELSE is on me he says its my job or watever which it dont bother me one bit except wen it comes to the kids i cant even get a little help he gets irate when they want him to help them with something he tells them its my job to come to me am i wrong to feel as parents its both our jobs ? his words I beleive caring for our children is both are responsability im basically raising them alone because he feels its my job so i was just curious what other ppl men and women felt from the outside looking in ...is he right maybe I have the wrong way of thinking ?! anyone have any insight ..I definatly dont take him for granted and i appreciate him caring for us financially i just feel disrespected and unappreciated to him I dont bring home any money so my opinions dont matter again his choice he wouldnt allow me to work ...

Answer 1

This isn't the 50's. You shouldn't have let it go this long. If it were me I'd tell him it's bullshit and that things are changing NOW.  

Answer 2

Set him down and let him know how you are feeling. If you are feeling neglected so are the kids. If he is willing to listen and understands, then get to a good christian counselor and get some good advise. If he doesnt want to hear what you say...then you go to a counselor by your self. They will have some good ideas. Take pride in your work. You are doing the most important job there is...raising children. It doesnt matter if he appreciates it or not. If it is too much work for you than cut some things out,...like let him do his own laundry and make his own breakfast. Dont do it for revenge but explain to him that you are over worked and have to cut back in some areas becuase he is not doing his share. Hes is abviously a work aholic and I am guessing that there is a lack of closeness between the two of you so there is more issues in the marriage that what you are telling us. Hope this helps. Good job in reaching out for some help so please follow thru...your family is at stake. :)

Answer 3

I dont think it has anything to do with you working or not working.  The kids are going to him because they miss him and want some love and attention from him.  He works all day and they dont get to see him.  Does he take any other interests in the children, such as playing, tucking them in, reading a book, etc.  If not he is really missing out on bonding with his children and making memories.  The only memory they may have of their dad, is he didnt make time for them.  

Answer 4

It sounds like you have agreement on him working and you staying home and taking care of the rest. But you do need to come to an agreement about parenting.

Parenting is different from other duties and responsibilities because aside from taking care of your children's needs, you are also building a relationship with them. The best way for each parent to build a healthy and unique relationship is to be involved as much as possible in their children's lives - whether it is helping with homework or playing cards or just being available for the kids to share their thoughts, feelings, interests, stories.

Maybe your husband just doesn't realize this? Talk to him and see if he might agree to spending more time with his kids - he might be very surprised to find that the more time he spends with them, the more time he will want to spend with them.

Answer 5

Contributing to the home is not all about the dollars coming into the home. You contribute financially by what you save your family in daycare, dry cleaning, landscaping, housecleaning, cooking, psychologist to your kid, teacher to your kids. All of these things if you were not providing would have to be bought.  In 2006 a stay at home mom's salary was valued at $134,121.  If you think that what you do is not equal or above his contribution you are wrong.

I too am a stay at home mother, and I think your right in taking care of your family... however I think your wrong in not asking that your family takes care of you. Your husband seems to think that providing for his family is providing a paycheck. He is sadly mistaken. A good husband provides on all lvls, mentor to his children, mental support system to his wife.

My house runs like this, I am inside Cleaning however pickup is every ones job including my children and husband. They are capable beings and can pick up their own messes. Homework is done while dinner is being made and my husband takes one and I take the other when he is home and not deployed somewhere. And my husband will take over so I can have me time.  Just because your husband provides a paycheck his job is not done as husband/father a relationship needs to be nurtured with more than money.  

Answer 6

marriage ia 50/50 raguardlees of the situation so what if he works staying @ home is sometimes alot harder than going to work everyday and nobody gives you a check for keeping the house in order unless your a maid which i doubt is your title

Answer 7

Your husband is full of c**p.  You both made the children so you both need to take part in their up bringing.  At my house we share the work.  He will wash dishes, I will cook.  He will help clean up and he cuts the grass and handles the trash but he is not beyond bathing our 3 year old or helping out our 8 year old.  He takes great pride in being a great daddy, when the kids want him, they've got him.  Your husband needs to know how very important it is for him to be actively involved with his children.   Right now your are your husbands maid and your childrens nanny.  You need to write out a list of all the chores you do around the house-look on line for the current pay for those positions (maid service, short order cook, laundry service, etc...)  Make a list of what you find including the amount you would have been paid and add them up, a maid can make 40-60.00 per day, so in a years time you would have earned  14,050 on the low end and 21,900 on the high end.  Take your time and make a detailed list  tailored to the work that you do.  Include all yard work also.  Once you have a nice presentation together present it to your husband And lets see just how much he thinks your worth after that.  Honey you are the back bone of this family-Women usually are, if you don't do what you do the family will not function as efficiently.  He needs to understand just how much you do.  He probally doesn't do nearly the amount of work you do at his job.  A stay at home mom has the hardest job in the world.  He doesn't know the many women I know who don't do any of that stuff for their husbands, they won't lay out clothes let alone make lunch.  He has it so good.  Maybe you should take off for a undetermined amount of time, just care for the kids and see how he likes it.  I remember a time when I was growing up and my mom kept telling us to wash dishes before we went to bed.  Of course we didn't.  Every moring she would wake up to a dirty kicthen and clean it herself.  Well one time we came in for dinner.  There was nothing cooked.  So we decided to eat cereal.  We opened the cupboard for a bowl and mom had taken every single dish out of the kitchen.  No plates, cups, silverware, nothing.  We didn't have dishes for two weeks and when she bought them back out we NEVER left a dirty kitchen and completely appreciated all the meals she prepared for us.  You have got to make him see just how much your really are worth, and my husband would tell you that for all the things you do for your family,  honey you are PRICELESS.  Just my thoughts.

Answer 8

Been there, and no the kids are BOTH of your responsibilities. Tell you something, as much as I loved staying at home with my baby, I would never do it again. You get no respect unless your out there working too. They normally have this mentality that they are out there working, everything else is up to you and that raising children isnt really a 'job' even though you dont get to home at the end of the day and relax! Its 24 hours a day, the only break being at nap time. Dont know what to tell ya, other than get a job (lol). Even though I was at home doing things there, I didnt feel as though I was putting in my part and didnt like that he was making all the money. Good Luck!

Answer 9

I don't like the last statement here he would not allow you to work.  It sounds to me as you are his personal slave.  you have to stand up for your self and not depend on him to suport you.

they are his children too and he should take just as much interest in them as you do.  he is all wrong. and you are wrong for letting him get away with it.

Answer 10

Sounds like you are in a pickle. You may need to rock the boat a bit by delegating certain things to others so you don't feel so overwhelmed by what you are doing. The problem here is that you have allowed yourself to become a personal slave to this man, your children, and your home.

I would first stop being so nice as to making breakfast or lunch for him and tell him that those are his responsibilities. If you take away some of his comfort and start letting him know that you expect him to help more, he will have to react. If he gets so stubborn that he will not do those things then stop doing the laundry for him, stop mowing the grass, etc...Let him see what you have been doing. It is time for you to sit down when you have a minute and figure out a chore list. Even the youngest can help. Stop putting everything on your shoulders. Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you work yourself to the bone without any help from him or the kids.

It is unfortunate but you allowed him to get comfy the way he is and now you have to make that position a little less easy. He may work outside the home but what you do is just as demanding and it is 24/7.

Stand your ground and let him know that he cannot just come home and plop down into his chair to be served. There are things at home that he needs to take care of too. You two need to sit down after the children are down for bed and figure out a solution that works best for you both, don't compromise yourself into the corner again. Oh and your opinions do count even if you don't add income to the home. You are still a wife and mother and your JOB is what you do at home. You need to run it like a business and let him know that is evaluation isn't a good one. Maybe he needs a demotion... LOL! Good luck!!

Answer 11

He should definitely help with the kids, if he can. But what you should remember is that no husband is perfect. There are all kinds of women who are dealing with so many more serious things with their husbands. Talk to him about it. If he won't budge, then it might just be one of the imperfections in him that you just have to deal with.