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Spoon by spoon calories enter my body. I’ve been starving myself all day until this evening when tears had reached my eyes due to the feeling in my stomach. Quickly I fixed myself some pasta to drown that feeling which I hate. As I ate it I promised myself that that would be the last thing I would have today, knowing that when dinner arrived I would be sitting at the dinner table pigging out once again. Dinner time came and sure enough I had 3 slices of pizza. Now, regretting that move I mourn over a bowl of pudding. Chocolate, my favorite. I cry because of this and because of that, and because of that and this. I cry because I hate my dad, and because I can never get the boy I want. And obviously I cry because I can’t let go of my food. My dear comfort food.
Its not that I’m fat. My friends say I am skinny. And my mother does too. My sister calls me fat, even though I think she might be joking. I think I am average skinny. And I do feel beautiful and acknowledge that men do like some meat on girls bones. But when I flip through a magazine or walk outside and step into reality, my flaws stick out and I feel ugly. And well fat. I am 5’9 and 150 lbs. I promised myself I’d lose ten pounds in two weeks. I even added it as an event on my schedule on my cell phone. I was actually hoping to beat my goal lose twenty but I don’t want to be disappointed if I don’t.
Tears collect in my eyes again as I reach for more chocolate pudding. I don’t want anymore. My stomach hurts. But I go for it anyways, since, well it is chocolate pudding. Back to reality…..AGHHH. Skinny girls don’t eat. They exercise, and well… don’t eat. But they look beautiful in the end and marry rich. With guys who drive around hummers and what not. And us, the not so skinny skinny people? We marry men with pot bellies, and body odor. Aka hicks. Well only if we are lucky. In my case, I probably won’t even get married.
Guys don’t seem to like me. I don’t know what it is. My Personality or My Appearance. I tend to push it on my appearance, and my not so skinny skinniness. You see, I’ve never really had a boyfriend. The closest I’ve had to a boyfriend was Steve, and we didn’t really date. No person at the right state of mind could possibly consider my ‘relationship’ with Steven a relationship. All we did was hang out, like never, because I was too shy. Oh and he held my hand once, as we walked down the park back home. I will never forget that day because the butterflies in my stomach were doing back flips, I swear. Gulp… more pudding.
Anyways, we must have been standing 5 feet apart from each other. Our hands were sweaty and I was only 14. Now two years later, I have gained no further ‘boyfriend’ experience. Sad,I know. Then what’s there to do? Fight with everyone because life is just not fair. Pick out little things that don’t matter, and make them huge, because they are. BAH . Release your inner monster. I hate this. Another thing I hate is guys. Especially Cody who started the whole skinnyness things. Stupid anorexic and bulimic cody, who now is a ******* model, and in denial of ever throwing up after having eaten way too much. Me…. Not a model. Boy who broke her heart….model and with my friend. Well ex friend, who also was anorexic. Solution, ANOREXIA, duh.
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