Is our wedding about what my fiance and I want or about what his parents want?

Question

My fiance and I have talked extensively about having a small non-denominational wedding ceremony and dinner with our immediate family at a place (a resort) that is very special to us. The only problem is that his parents, who are Italian, are pushing us in directions we don't want to go, namely, inviting a ton of his extended family and getting married in the Catholic Church. They have such a hold on my fiance that they are trying to make him feel guilty and throw away any sense of what HE might want. He and I are in agreement that we don't want a circus - we don't want speeches, we don't want gifts, I don't want bridesmaids, etc. Our compromise idea that we want to pitch to his parents, so that there will be an occasion for his family to attend, is to let his them host a huge engagement party or even a post-wedding party. I'm really not inclined to give much ground here, as I do not have the personality or desire to plan a huge wedding; similarly, I don't want to plan a wedding for someone else. As far as I'm concerned, this is about the joining of our two lives not about making everybody else happy (which, by the way, is probably impossible anyway). I'm also concerned about upsetting my parents, who will be absolutely disgusted with me if I am pushed into having a wedding I don't want. Any advice on navigating these treacherous waters is much appreciated. Thanks.

Answer 1

It's about what you want, not what others want.

It's not going to be easy and trust me, you'll hear about it.  But stick to your guns.  That's what my husband and I did.  We just got married in July and had a small 50 person wedding.  Most of his family is upset because we didn't invite them.  But we didn't want anything big and couldn't pick and choose which of his family members to invite because then they would have been even more upset with us.  We're extremely happy with how our wedding went.  It was exactly what we wanted.  My husband though would like to have a big luncheon/party with his family for our first anniversary.

Answer 2

His parents have no say so unless their paying for it.

Answer 3

Why don't you just elope? Come back, and let his parents throw you a big reception, you could even have your marriage blessed in the Catholic church. That way everyone is happy! Except for your mom and his mom because they won't see the two of you get married. Or the grandparents, aunts , uncles , cousins. You have a big problem, Good Luck.

Answer 4

i am a mom of 7...have had 4 weddings...its yours and don't let them chg it....my daughters in law actually went to the florist and changed the flowers because they didn't have enough blue..according to them....i flip a gasket...i paid for everything...them not a dime....do it your way

Answer 5

It all depends on who is paying for everything.

But aside from the actual wedding, this is a preview of what your life is going to be like.  If your fiance doesn't have the cahones to stand with you against his parents on this issue, he won't be able to go against them when they want baptisms for your babies, or on any other issue that might come up.  And, if your inlaws get their way now, they will expect that they will get their way in every upcoming conflict.  And your parents will dislike your husband and your inlaws because of all this, and disrespect you for putting up with it.  The way you handle this now will determine a lot in your future.  If your finace is a mama's boy at heart, and you choose to marry him anyway, you are choosing your future.  But if he's a man who is ready to get married and can stand up to his parents, your life together will be a lot easier.

Answer 6

it is YOUR wedding so its all about you and want you want. i think the idea of a big engagment party or post wedding party ir a great idea. I myself dont want a huge wedding either, and i think you should go for what you want. it is about you two being happy and your absolutly right aabout it being two lives joined as one. go with your heart. the family is just going to have to deal, if they love you they will accept it adventully.

hope it all works out!

Answer 7

I kind of fell into the same situation and what we did was we had our ceremony and reception in an island like we wanted. Everything was done like we wanted. Then a few days later we had a reception for his mother to invite and have all the friends she wanted to have. It was a good compromise because people didn't feel obliged to travel far away for our nuptials.

Stick with your guns and only do what you are comfortable with. Trust me, this is the beginning of many more compromises and it helps to start out strong.

Answer 8

We have a very similar situation, so perhaps our experience can help.  My fiance is shy and I'm not, but we're both VERY shy about gooey, intimate romantic stuff.  (I've never really gushed to family or friends about my relationships.)  It would actually be embarrassing to us to stand in front of 150 of our closest friends and give vows with all the pomp and circumstance.  It just seems so weird to not really talk much about a relationship and then to suddenly have everyone witness the most serious, intimate things we might say.

However, our family feels strongly that they'd love to witness it, and though we have the right to have it be private, we'd feel awful at depriving them of the situation.  So we're having an immediate family-only very short, civil ceremony with them (about a dozen people.)

However, the next day, we're having a HUGE, fun, festive reception on New Year's Eve for all our friends.  We'd love to celebrate everyone but we didn't want the whole $30,000 ceremony that would just cause exhaustion and stress.  (If I plan for a year for 5 hours, I'll be a wreck from the anticipation anyway and wouldn't enjoy myself.)  

It'll be a night of good food, laughter, and love.  We're having some organized games (like a big trivia contest) and even a ball drop at midnight.  It won't be a normal, boring wedding and we don't have to be shy about any of it!

So back to you, talk about the possibility of a huge party for whoever feels like coming.  Parties are easy to plan: you can have them in a home, just pay for catering (no flowers, transportation, $3000 gown and cake, etc.), and people like them more than the ceremony.

Since both families want different things, it may be best to have the private ceremony anyway.  Then you don't have to please either.  Your family can celebrate as they wish, and for his family, you can ask for help since it does mean a lot to them.  In fact, they may even like to take over and do what they want.  And since this isn't your whole wedding resting on it, it won't really matter if it's not "you."  You will have already had the marriage of your dreams!

Answer 9

The bride and groom do get to decide what type of wedding they would like.  However, (and I don't know if this is your situation or not) if the groom's parents' are helping pay for the wedding, they should get some say in some aspects of the wedding.  

Now, I had a very traditional Catholic wedding.  And I did not think it was a circus like you had described your wedding would be if it was traditional.  Mine was very nice, but I do understand that you two want a smaller wedding.  But again, if his parents are helping to pay, they should get to have some say in how the wedding goes as it really is a joining of two families, not just about you and your groom.

Answer 10

Compromise on some things so you don't let his family down. Italians like having wedding that are extravagant and big bashes.  

Answer 11

If, as you imply, he doesn't consider himself to be RC it would be extremely improper to get married in the Catholic church. In fact, I doubt that any priest would perform the marriage. If his parents care enough about the church to feel it's not a proper wedding outside of it, then they should care enough to not have a mockery made. If those arguments alone don't work, go to their church, explain the situation, and then repeat the priest's arguments against it to your fiance's parents.

And if they want to throw a big reception, tell them that they have to do all the planning. The reception has nothing to do with the couple, so it's courteous to let the family dictate it. However, you should not feel obligated to plan or pay for any party you don't want. Tell them "This is what we want to have, let us know if you're going to add anything to that".

As for not wanting gifts - set up a "registry" type site, and list your favourite charities. Include a statement that you don't want gifts, and if people really feel the need to contribute they can support these charities which you don't have the money to support as generously as you'd like.  

Answer 12

Are you both Catholic? Sometimes people fall away from their religion for a while but return later, especially after having children. Church weddings can be as small as the couple,a couple of witnesses and the celebrant. So, the church thing is a separate issue from the reception.

Why not let them throw a party when you return. Forget the engagement party.  That's for people who like to have parties for everything (not you) or people looking for gifts. Try to remember this will be your family now and get used to the Italian thing. Many cultures like a party and every family has one side pushing for something.

You can have a civil wedding away and a church wedding later when you get back.

Remember, this is their son and they've been going to other weddings for years and want a day to show off their child marrying you. They don't wish you ill and your getting upset over their over exuberance. Sounds like your parents might be a little passive aggressive. Do they always go for small intimate parties?  His family is used to big parties. If they pay for a family party in your honor when you get home, what's the harm it's a few hours out of your life. Otherwise you'll hear about it in so many little ways that your denied his parents the opportunity to celebrate the marriage of their son to you. Isn't your marriage something to celebrate? They think so.

Answer 13

You and your fiance decide, and since you will be paying for everything, you plan what you want according to your budget.

However, you need to be respectful to the parents and see things a bit from their side. They raised their son Catholic, so it's no surprise that they hoped he would marry in the Catholic church and have a Catholic family. But, if that's not the path he's chosen, he needs to talk with them about that - maybe without you there for that particular conversation.

Weddings aren't ONLY about the couple, or just the bride, they are celebrations of family. But there are ways you can handle this more delicately without confronting people, so be careful of that. They can't be that awful, since they raised the man you love and are going to marry!

Answer 14

if you and your fiance are paying for the wedding, then do what you two want. It's your business. I think the idea about them throwing a party is a great idea! If it still isn't good enough for them, then tough!

Answer 15

I would say pitching the compromise post-wedding party would be the way to go. As far as the wedding itself, if you're not Catholic and not comfortable getting married in a Catholic Church then that should not be pushed. If it is a non-denominational ceremony that means that you are still inviting God into the Marriage. Maybe you could put it that way to help calm them down about it being in a Cath. Church. Then again, you could always elope.  

Answer 16

Lydia said pretty much what I wanted to say, but one thing I might add is that at the end of your question you say "I'm also concerned about upsetting my parents, who will be absolutely disgusted with me if I am pushed into having a wedding I don't want."  Have you considered that you are putting your parents wishes above his parents?  Just make sure it is a mutually reached agreement between JUST you and your fiance, not between either of your parents.  His parents are probably thinking the same thing.  He has been raised an Italian Catholic.  His upbringing was probably among very warm and very traditional people.  They probably think that a large wedding IS what he wants, and they are looking out for his best interest, just as your parents are doing for you!  That said, I think the small non denom wedding would be fine, and ask them if they would like to throw a big bash either before or after the wedding ceremony.  God bless!

Answer 17

That's a tricky one, my dear...trust me, I know exactly where you're coming from, as I'm a bit of an "anti-bride" myself.  In fact, most days, even the small, casual 60-person wedding we're planning almost seems like too much fanfare for me, but, as the saying goes, "Marry the man, marry the family."  I'm not saying you have to have a big fat Italian wedding like Connie from The Godfather, but I think the compromise of a post-wedding celebration is a good idea.

As an Italian-American, I will say that they value family above all else, and if you mess with their family, they'll hold a grudge until the end of time.  And not to make any broad, sweeping generalizations here, but we are sort of known for our special talent for guilt trips, LOL.  Trust me, you don't want to pi$$ off the in-laws, but that doesn't mean you should have to get forced into a big Catholic circus wedding either.

Here's what you do- sit down with his mom, woman to woman, and tell her how happy you are to become part of the family, how wonderful her son is, yadda yadda yadda, and THEN lower the boom: "I'm sure you understand that the place we want to have our ceremony and wedding dinner at is very special to us, and I would prefer to keep it small and simple."  Then offer the compromise deal- "But family is very important and I'd like to include the extended family in a nice big post-wedding celebration, maybe a week or so after we return from our honeymoon.  Will you help me plan it?"  That's important- DEFINITELY ask her to help plan- it will smooth any ruffled feathers and flatter her.

If you really want to sweeten the deal- and if you're comfortable with it- you may want to look into getting the marriage blessed by the Catholic church after you get married.  This can happen whenever you choose- a week after, a month after, a year after, whatever.  It's a very small, simple ceremony that takes place after Mass some random Sunday, where the priest basically blesses the union.  If you don't believe, it's just a nice thing to do for his family.  But if you have some real problems with it, just don't do it.  I was just offering it as a compromise.  It might make them happy.

Bottom line: In-laws are tricky, but they are your fiance's parents (and your future children's grandparents) and it will save you so much heartache and anguish to just make nice with them now instead of preparing yourself from a lifelong reign of terror, LOL.  Good luck!

Answer 18

It is about what you want, but it is also about honoring your parents who have loved and raised you and have taught you the principles that you will use in developing your marriage.

That said, I think your compromise about a engagement/post-wedding party that they're completely responsible for is a great idea.

You shouldn't be forced to be married in a faith that you really don't care about and you shouldn't be force to . It's nice to allow the parents to participate in some way though (that your comfortable with).