Is parenting by biological parents "Tragic?" ?

Question

http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/notor...

This is in response to the other question that asked "How in the He** could we not see how awful and tragic adoption is" based on links of Aparents who killed their children

So.. we've established that adoption is tragic.. how about biological parenting?

1 minute ago - 3 days left to answer.

Additional Details

18 seconds ago

BTW.. I'm not saying that "because it happens with biological mothers it's "Okay" that it happens in adoption too." That's not my point..

These kinds of situations are NEVER okay.. Something should have (and often could have) been done to prevent it.. in both cases (biological and adoptive)

Answer 1

I'm going to attempt to dissect your argument.

1. Parenting by biological parents is not always tragic.

Of course, any child who is being abused and/or neglected SHOULD BE REMOVED. I don't care how "willing" the mother is to clean up her act or if she has access to helpful resources - the child should at least be temporarily removed because while we are all pondering about how best to "wake her up" and make her realize she is hurting her own offspring - her offspring is STILL in danger.

And the same goes for adoptive parents - I'm not saying they're abusive, or more likely to be abusive, or should never ever adopt.

The thing that you forget is... in adoption, a family has to be separated first.

If a biological family is abusive, that's obviously NEVER okay and should be inspected and evaluated to find out how much harm is being done. But the difference here is that there's only ONE family to begin with. There is NO separation of mother and child unless the child is being harmed.

In adoption - whether or not the child has been harmed by their biological parents... the adoption separates them *anyway*.

Do you understand what I am saying?

Answer 2

CHILD ABUSE IS NEVER OK FROM ANYONE......Adoption is not always tragic.  In some cases its the only thing to do.  A child is a gift from God and should be treated that way no matter who raises said child.  

Answer 3

I'm so glad you asked this question - a similar question I had wanted to answer had been deleted for some reason.  

It is hard to discern with clarity your exact question, but I am going to answer to what I think you are trying to ask, which is:

isn't abuse in biological families just as tragic as abuse in adoptive families?

Yes, of course, all child abuse is tragic.  Like other posters before me, I would agree that children in adoption have already suffered and are supposed to be placed into a newer, better life, so abuse in adoption is yet another layer of suffering that is both despicable and tragic.  and most importantly, AVOIDABLE.

Yes, all parents biological and adoptive should get education about child care and safety.  Yes, all parents should be monitored.  

The difference is, however, that with adoption there is the OPPORTUNITY to screen out bad parents, but it is a squandered opportunity.  Again and again, people with substance abuse problems, mental instability and criminal records or questionable activities manage to be given total access to children.  It should not a question of whether abuse in adoption is worse than abuse in biological families, it should instead be an outrage over the incompetence of the handling of this opportunity to provide safe child placement.

That being said, abuse in adoption is a little studied phenomenon.  Older abuse surveys do not distinguish the many kinds of "parent" types that exist, so the data is skewed.  States vary in what data they collect.  And sadly, this is only data on the reported cases.  We don't have any idea how many adoptees remain silent or if there are additional pressures upon them to remain under-reported.  There are no good longitudinal studies about adoption that exist today, save a Swedish study about higher rates of suicide among adoptees.

A recent study out of Australia (see ref. below)  referred to abuse to non-biological children as the "Cinderella Effect" and found higher rates of mortality to children not raised by their biological parents.  Do you think there is merit to adopted children being consciously or unconsciously less valued than biological children?  As an abused adoptee whose biological siblings did NOT get abused, I find this phenomenon very curious indeed.

How can abuse in adoption be any different than abuse in biological families?  I would like everyone to think about this difference.

Thinking about this difference brings up more questions RE:  adoptive parents who become abusers

do years of being barren heighten anxiety?

does poor expectation management contribute?

are adoptive parents predisposed to think children are there for their own needs?

does the waning of celebrity and novelty as the child grows less cute contribute?

RE:  the children

are adopted children more reluctant to report their abuse than biological children?

does experience with the turmoil of being transplanted make them less willing to report and potentially create an adoption disruption or dissolution?

does reactive detachment disorder undermine their credibility?

does being forced to be in alien situation(s) and forced to adapt make the adoptee more resigned to do whatever is asked of them? i.e., does an early crushing of spirit make them more vulnerable and ripe for exploitation?

do the internalized messages of "you should be grateful" for your comfortable life and being "saved" from whatever horror you were taken from prevent the adopted child from reporting? because they don't want to become the most ungrateful child ever?

There are many unanswered questions about abuse in adoption, and regardless of anyone's opinions on the above questions regarding any differences in abuse between adoptive and biological families, the fact is that while the opportunity to screen out bad parents is there, we should make the most of it.  To clean up this aspect of adoption will remove stigma for both adoptive parents and adoptees.  But most importantly, it will eliminate more trauma and allow all adoptees to truly have brighter futures.

As an abused adoptee, I urge all people to gladly submit to the screening process, however arduous.  It's there for a good reason, and it's not nearly stringent enough.

Answer 4

Of course it is look at all the children in foster care.  Most of those children were taken from their biological parents.

Answer 5

There are certain situations involving biological parents that are tragic, like abuse and neglect. But not all biological parenting situations are tragic; the majority are not. Most people are raised by their biological parents, and most families are not abusive.

Being raised by biological parents is not in itself a tragedy. Abuse is horrific and criminal no matter who commits it.

Answer 6

meep

Answer 7

And sadly, "screening" of AP's consists mostly of making sure their bank accounts are fat and the kitchen is clean.

Glad to know that Junior will at least have the benefit of being smacked around in a clean house, and can be taken to the ER in that shiny new SUV.  

Answer 8

Just responding to what "Debbie Downer" said...I'm an adoptive parent, and my bank account isn't fat at all.  I'm a single mom and make just enough to pay the bills. I'm not poor enough to get any kind of assistance from the government, but make just enough to get by paycheck to paycheck. But home life is stable and happy and full of love.   My home study was very comprehensive.  I'm sure some S****y parents and nut jobs do slip through the cracks.  but in my case, I feel they did a thorough job of making sure I wasn't one of them.  I had to have 6 letters of recommendation of which 2 had to be from family members.  And I had to go through 2 very long interviews and parenting classes that were specifically about adopting kids who had been institutionalized in an orphanage situation.  I think that there are good bio parents and bad bio parents.  but I think in general, the APs I know of REALLLLLLY really wanted kids, and are good parents.  Whereas I know a number of bio parents who "never wanted kids" but had more than one "oops" where apparently they forgot to use their birth control.  I have a co-worker who somehow had 4 unplanned pregnancies and is now the single mother of 4 children she never wanted in the first place. They are not very good parents, because they never really wanted to be parents.  So not to say that there arent' a few nut job APs - of course there are.  but I think there are a lot more bio kids living  with parents who didn't want them or just don't have any clue how to be parents.  I can guarantee you that many bio parents sure as h**l would never have passed all the interviews, fingerprints, background checks, and scrutiny into every aspect of my personal and professional life that I had to go through before being certified to adopt.  and trust me, it had nothing to do with a fat wallet.

Answer 9

Adoption is supposed to give the child a better life, however, because people are human , they can abuse that system. Some people I have heard about in the news have adopted children, and abused them. But that does not make adoption bad.   Just that the system does not always "weed" out back perspective parents.  I really don't understand something though- if a biological family abuses their biological son, it is reported but never makes having your own child a bad thing.  SO BOTH ARE BAD.- Both biological and adoptive families should be free from abuse.

Answer 10

Yes, any form of child abuse is tragic, but you know adoption is supposed to give a child a BETTER life, not send them into the hands of abusers.

Being abused by your biological parents is one thing; but to be taken from them and THEN be abused by the people who are supposed to be providing a better life for you?  That's even worse IMO.

Answer 11

I hear ya, Shelly P.

MANY, many acts of violence occur every day where parents abuse and/or murder their own biological children. You can't even watch the news or read a newspaper without reading about it. Shouldn't we just outlaw biological children, too?

Some doctor's "murder" patients with their incompetence......should we outlaw medical care?

Some people have road rage and cause the death of Innocent people....should we outlaw cars?

Some cops abuse prisoners....should we outlaw cops?

Do you see how stupid this thing is?

Answer 12

Oh definitely - it CAN be tragic.  I don't deny that at all but so CAN adoptive situations.  I'm not one that denies the other side simply because I'm adopted but it's like the other side doesn't even try to understand the ugly side as well.

In order for the human species to survive we have to procreate, thus having to parent.  Let me ask you this.  Are you more inclined to save your own child or the child of somebody who lives down the street?

Answer 13

I think I get what you're saying.  

Everyone can scour the internet for stories of children being abused/killed by their bio parents and children being abused/killed by their adoptive parents.  It's not a valid argument, in my opinion, that because some adopted children are abused/killed by their adoptive parents that means that adoption is tragic.  Likewise with biological parents.  Child abuse is tragic.  That's the bottom line here.

However, in order for an adoption to occur, a loss must first occur.  Even if adoption ends up being the best thing for the child doesn't negate the fact that there was a loss.  How much or how little that loss affects the adoptee is up to the individual.  

Answer 14

As far as the whole adopters killing their kids thing, I will be happy to stop using the many MANY examples of adopters murdering their children:

a) when it stops happening as much as it does.  

Did you know there's been an increase with more international adoptions?  It's true.  People have a hard time parenting attachment disordered children who have been institutionalized in orphanages so they end up losing it and slamming their babies head into the ground...no joke.

The return rate on international adoptees these days is astounding...and the murder rate has skyrocketed.

and

b) When people here stop taking every single child abuse case they find and say, "See!  See!  those kids would be alive if they'd been adopted."  When the kid's parents never even considered adoption.

That;s just stupid and illogical.

And since you brought up the subject, let's get one thing straight...all kinds of people have abortions.  Even MARRIED people have abortions!  For real!

Adoptees aren't the only ones who should be getting abortion thrown in their faces.

I'm an adoptee and I happen to know for certain, my mother never ever considered abortion.  Can you say the same?

I am so sick of people throwing the a-word at anything adoption related.

Just stop it!

Answer 15

CHILD ABUSE BY ANYONE WITHER IT IS AN ADOPTIVE PARENT OR A BIOLOGICAL PARENT IS NEVER OKAY!!!

I'M SO SICK OF AP'S THINKING THAT ALL BIOLOGICAL PARENTS ARE ABUSIVE AND I'M SICK OF OTHERS THINKING ALL ADOPTIVE PARENTS ARE ABUSIVE!!!!

IT CAN HAPPEN, THERE ARE CRAPPY PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT SHOULDN'T BE PARENTS PEROID!!! DON'T MATTER IF IT IS ADOPTIVE OR NOT.

THE MUD-SLINGING ON BOTH SIDES HAS GOT TO STOP! I MEAN REALLY SINCE WHEN IS IT A CRIME TO HAVE AN OPIONION DIFFERENT FROM OUR OWN.