Is pressure from family members who are aware of the situation considered coercion or guidance for adoption?

Question

Sometimes, family members who are very aware of the bmom's maturity, responsibility and other issues in their family makeup and life will discuss adoption with their daughter. Perhaps, because of their insight into their daughter's life and situation, they feel it is the best option (maybe parents aren't able to parent their grandchild due to advanced age or illness) so do people see this as coercion or guidance?

Answer 1

I think a little of both. For me though my grandparents had me declared emotionally unstable and then I had no choice. My mom left me w/my grandparents,my sister went to her dad's. They didn't realize they had torn my heart into.

Answer 2

I see it as coercion.

Answer 3

who cares if the baby gets a good home

Answer 4

My firstmom says that while she was laboring with me, her father drove all night from another state, ran into her hospital room and strongly advised her to keep me.  He told her that he knew her well enough to understand that relinquishing a child would haunt her for the rest of her life and that he didn't want her to feel that kind of pain.  He then turned around and drove for several more hours back to another hospital where his wife had just been diagnosed with cancer.  

My mother's  case worker was extremely alarmed by my grandfather showing up and documented this in my paperwork which was legally given to me after my state sanctioned reunion.

The caseworker had a big job to do in the next couple of days and worked hard to convince my mother once again to relinquish me.

So who was the coercer in my case?

Was my mother's father being coercive in stating his opinion?  He knew his daughter and he was correct.  She grieved my loss for over thirty years.  Relinquishing me devastated her.  

I think whether advice is construed as guidance or coercion depends of the motivation of the person doing to talking.  My grandfather was actually trying to help my mother.  Her caseworker was trying to collect a fee. In this case,  the caseworker won.

Answer 5

I don't see it as coercion at all... Who would know best the ability of a mother then her parents or family members?

I also don't see it as the Grandparents responsibility to step in and take responsibility for their grandchildren.... In Fact, I have always found that to be an Oxi-Morone because I wonder what kind of track record the grandparent must have if they raised a child who for whatever reason was in a situation that they had a baby they were not able to care for?

Short of a serious accident or the death of their child why would anyone think a Grandparent should have a second chance to parent? If they were not able to raise a responsible child the first time then why would they be the Automatic Choice for a do-over?

Just my feelings and Not Across the Board I do believe there are situations where the Grandparents have done the best they could parenting a child who ends up with children they need to take care of.... But, I have always found it interesting that people ASSUME that the grandparents did a great job the first time.... My Will makes it clear my parents don't get a second round match with my children..... I would rather they be adopted by strangers.

Answer 6

That is a really good question, and a hard one!  

If my teenage daughter were expecting a baby, she would have three options:  abortion, adoption, or parenting.   Since I have two other young children to support, it would be very difficult for me financially to also take on a newborn who would require daycare, diapers, formula, etc.

However, since my daughter is adopted, I would also feel VERY wrong in encouraging her to give up a baby that would be her first known biological relative.

I guess in the long run, the most fair course of action would be to sit down with my daughter, and lay out the advantages and disadvantages of each choice, and then let her decide.  I would support her in whatever she chose.   If I were to encourage her to give up her baby, I'd be doing it for selfish reasons, and this would definitely be coercion.

Answer 7

Yes, I do.

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To answer your question, both.

Answer 8

i see it as guidance... i have custody of my 13 year old sister. she will be in high school this fall and with the numbers of girls in her class who are expecting we have had talks about this... she has joked about wanting to have a baby for me since she knows we want to adopt but it is just joking around for her... though we have discussed with her that, god forbid she should get pregnant while still a teen, that we would sit down as a family and decide what to do next... but it would ultimately be her choice...

Answer 9

For a pregnant woman's family, under those circumstances, to bring it up as a point of discussion I'd say it is guidance.

If the pregnant woman states she does not wish to adopt and if the family continues to bring it up, then it becomes pressure.

If the family threatens to disown the girl or otherwise imply that she will have no support from them if she doesn't choose adoption, then it becomes coersion.  

So, I look at it in a matter of degrees.

Answer 10

Pressure?  Coercion.

Advice and suggestions followed by UNCONDITIONAL support, regardless of the decision made, is not coercion.  But if someone is telling their child they know best, and that she really "should" make the decision they WANT her to make...that's coercion.  Most parents, in my experience, are incapable of only giving advice and suggestions, AND following it up with unconditional support regardless of the decision their child makes.  I'm sure there are parents who are capable of this, but in my experience, it's pretty rare.

Answer 11

Coercion plain and simple.

Especially when they throw in "if you plan on keeping this baby you have no home, no family to come home to as you won't be welcome back in this house."

No guidance there.

Answer 12

Coercion.  There are huge implications as to the impact of choosing adoption, and usually family members have no idea of what a life long sentence they are encouraging their expectant family member into doing.

Answer 13

well, I do know that at the age of, say 15, knowing my mindset and maturity level.. for ME.. I can absolutely say that my mom  knew what was best for me better than I did.. and, while I never got pregnant (can't, wouldn't have anyway) and had to deal with THAT.. I am glad I was smart enough that I usually understood she knew better and took her advice.. usually ;-)

So, it's a toss up.. I think parents, if they're good, loving, level-headed people, should help their teens explore the different options.. I don't think they should FORCE, but they SHOULD "guide."

But on the other hand.. I had one kind of mother, who me and all my friends went to for advice BECAUSE she's so level headed, selfless, mature, and wise..  I realize that not every teen or child is as blessed.. so...

Answer 14

absolutely!

Answer 15

It's coersion.  I really do understand the emotional maturity of very young women and the fact that, in many things, their parents are probably better able to make really critical decisions than they are.  But, when you are talking about someone's child, no one ever has a right to tell someone either that they have to separate from their child or that they have to be responsible for parenting it.  A decision like that can only be made by the expectant parents.  

I think COERSION into adoption is saying they absolutely will not lift a finger to help or support keeping the baby.  I think GUIDANCE would be to talk, really talk, about all of the difficult things that go into parenting and the responsibilities it will entail and the ways in which life will change, and also talk about the bond a mother and child share and the emotional consequences of breaking the bond, and saying they will do whatever they can to help (in different situations it will be a different amount) if their child wants to parent.