Is reunion with a natural father just as important as with finding a natural mother?

Question

We talk a lot here about reunions and relationships with natural mother's. Some, but not a lot, is mentioned about natural father's. I'm asking if the desire to connect or bond with the natural father is just as strong as with the nmom. This is open to all adoptees but particularly those that are female with circumstances where the nfather vanished from the nmom's life.

Answer 1

This is a very difficult question for me.  

There are many reasons why I was more interested in finding my first mom.  I don't know that my reasons would be generalizable.  But I always wanted to meet her.  Further, I also had to find my first mom first, because no one else knew who my father was.  

But I do want to meet my father.  Indeed, at this point, I'm waiting to hear from him.  

I guess, for me, it wasn't as important, but it still is important to me.

Answer 2

for some people it is.  for me, it was not.

i have spoken to him on the phone about 4 or so times in the last 15 years.  more interested in my 14 brothers and sisters- 13 of them through him.

Answer 3

For me it was.  Searches seem to naturally start with the bmom.  Howeveer, my bmom refused contact.  So, the next person in line to search for was bdad.  

Actually, after my search was complete, I really wondered why I had started with bparents.  I almost wish I had started with my sibling.  Siblings obviously don't have the fear/guilt factor that bparents do, and can therefore approach reunion with a different attitude.

Answer 4

I always wanted to meet both.  Of course once I was given the details of how I came about, I decided no good would come of meeting my n-father b/c he is not a good person by any means.  He is a family member that raped my n-mother.  So for that reason, I no longer feel the need in my heart to connect.  A confrontation one day would be nice since I was kinda swept under the rug and forgotten about by him.  But once again, no good would ever come of it...

It's all good though.  I have a decent relationship with my n-mother despite the circumstances and I will be forever grateful for that.

Answer 5

Yes, it was. He and his side of the family are a great part of me.

Answer 6

For me personally no, and I do believe this would be the majority of adoptees also.

The connection , the primal wound is with the mother, she bore you, carried you around for 9mths, there is a major connection there hence the *loss* that adoptees feel, you breathed her, you knew her voice, you connected to her very essence whilst inside her...

And yes the need to find ones birth father is also important to me and probably most adoptees, but sometimes you have to focus all your energy into a area you know that is mos important to you...

I have been looking on an off for a *man* that was a naval man on a particular ship around a certain time in a certain place by putting up messages on the particular naval forums and other areas etc, a man that I have no name or any other details of except he was tall and had black hair!.

But then a few weeks ago I received NEW information, the rest of my file that i didn't get 10 years ago and turns out there was actually a possibility of 2 men , but the other one was dismissed as being the father by the place handling the adoption after they placed their eyes on me...

So you see quite probably I have been on a wild goose chase for 10 years ...

Finding my biological father would be like finding a needle in  a haystack..so my energy is on the reunion with my mother and family

Answer 7

Our adoptive son's birth dad stays in contact much more than the birth mom, by each person's choice.

Answer 8

Oh yes, it's equally important!

Answer 9

I'm an adopted adult and now have an adoptive granddaughter who is 4 months old.  I know for me, I did not care as much about meeting my biological father since I knew he did not have the same bond that my birthmother had, who carried me for 9 months.  I was very happy to meet my birthmother and lots of family members.  I only wished I had more of a medical history from my biological father's family that is up to date, as the 50s when I was adopted is a long time ago and any health problems he may have developed later are unknown to me and my children.

Answer 10

I know that for my ex-husband over the years we were together he expressed a great deal of the "adoption stories" which often included filling in the blanks about who his father might have been....  When he discovered that he enjoyed and wanted to become an Electrician he remarked that his bio dad must have been "blue-collar" because he had been raised in a professional family....

It turned out when he found his bio family his parents were married and had been since before he was born...and his bio dad is not blue-collar but rather a well educated professional...

My ex wanted to find his bio mother to learn about his birth and to find out why she "gave him up..." and he expected to only find his mother as he assumed that his father must have been a deadbeat who wouldn't stand by her....

For my children it is going to be hard.... The odds are without that Genetic Bank they will never know... After all their mother thought one of them was "some guy named Kevin" DNA however shows that our children are full siblings so... maybe she does know or at least you would think she might considering the children are four years apart....

Awhile back our daughter asked us if we knew who her dad was? We let her know that she has a bio dad but that her mother didn't name him and that no one really knows... Our daughters answer at this age was..."well, then I guess we just have one dad..."

I am not sure how this feeling will play out in the future....or how our son is going to feel as he starts to ask questions. It is going to be hard to build good attitudes toward women when he learns his mother didn't get names....

Answer 11

personally i think so because i think it's the same thing just a different gender feel me. everyone need a male role model just a much as a female role model. yes every person needs their mother but you need your father too!!!!

Answer 12

Oh my goodness, I could write a whole Website about the joy of my relationship with my first dad!  Oh, ya, that's right.  I did!  I searched for both simultaneously, and found him first.  It turned out that he knew how to get in touch with my maternal grandparents.

I never imagined that my primary relationship with my first family with be with my father -- but it is.  (My first mom died 7 months prior to my locating her.)  He is one of the great lights of my life.  I love him so much.  The moment we saw each other after 36 years, we looked into each others' eyes, fell into each others' arms and haven't let go since.  There is nothing we can't discuss.  He's completely open with me and I with him.  This past weekend when we saw each other, we ended up talking about some of the stuff that happened nearly 43 years ago when he relinquished me.  I was 13 months old.  I could see that even though he was willing to talk about it -- and did -- it was painful, as his eyes started to tear.  We just take any talk about the relinquishment in bits and pieces, as it's not easy.

We have enjoyed our nearly 7 years back together, and I know we will continue to do so.  We just enjoy talking, hanging out, singing and playing guitar, laughing, joking around, and sharing a bond that is uniquely ours.

As he said to me recently, "You and me -- we will ALWAYS be okay.  And I love you."