Is she really unstable or just crafty? (Kinda long - if you have time to help)?

Question

MY GF and I were together for 2 years (no children of OUR own)

My GF felt like her own mother abandoned her and her 2 sisters when they were children because her father was physically abusing her mom. Her mom ran from her dad for 19 years. She left my GF and her 2 sisters with various family members so they could have a more stable life and finish school until she was able to come back and get them.

Her mom eventually remarried but the stepfather tried to rape my GF.

She is 33 years old with 2 kids by 2 different guys. Both of these guys joined forces to get custody of his child and won. One daughter is on the west coast (she’s only seen her once since she was taken from her) and the other daughter was here in the state with us and we had her every other weekend and on holidays.

My GF is so SPOILED she stinks! When I met her, she didn’t have a job – wouldn’t keep the little part times she did have. Therefore she is not really doing anything for herself or more importantly her kids.

I caught her emotionally cheating (online relationship) with this guy back in December…begged me to forgive her – said she would never do it again so I forgave her.

We had a huge fight in May (unrelated to this guy) but I learned the next day she was still communicating with him.

Two weeks after our fight she ran off to GA to try and clear her head and figure out what she wanted to do.

She left behind the one daughter she could see whenever she wanted (she just left the child in her sleep and went to GA).

The online guy also lives in GA just in a different city – but not far.

Two weeks after she gets to GA I found out this guy proposed and she accepted. She didn’t even tell me – I had to find out from someone else.

She admitted to me that when she is hurt or confused, she runs (just like her mom – runner’s complex).

She knows she has low self esteem (she thinks it has to do with her physical appearance but you and I know it’s not the outside that’s the problem).

She also acknowledges she makes impulsive and sometimes rash decisions without thinking and she does – I’ve seen it several times throughout the relationship, this is just one example.

She admits she’s a people pleaser and doesn’t like for anyone to be mad at her.

I told her that I would always be here for her because I know she has been through a lot.

She has since moved out from her family’s house in GA and has moved out on her own and now supposedly has a job.

She says she is confused about this other guy and doesn’t know what caused her to accept his proposal. She says she’s having reservations.

She’s apologized a thousand and one times. She says she still loves me and misses me and wants to see me when she comes into town in a couple of weeks (but she is going back to GA).

BUT knowing all this, she is still wearing this guys ring and has not made an attempt to come back if for nothing else her daughter.

Everyone here probably agrees she needs some form of counseling…more help than any of her friends or I could give her. I think she knows it too but she’s going to try and work them out on her own. So even though she hurt me by lying, cheating and deceiving me I have this question. Should I take this personal: I mean is she REALLY that emotionally unstable that’s causing all this drama or is she’s smarter than I’m giving her credit for and knows exactly what she’s doing?

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening to me vent.

Answer 1

She's smart.  She doesn't care about her kids which is why the one was completely taken from her.  What kind of mother goes and leaves their kid that they don't even have complete custody of with a boyfriend?  She went to GA to get whatever she was working towards getting, in your case this other man.  I think you should boot her out the door because she is ridiculous.  She doesn't care about you either.

Answer 2

I think she knows exactly what she is doing, she  doesn't have her priority's strait don't waste your time, if she can't do what's right for her own kids then she wont do what's right by you.

  

Answer 3

Wow, she sounds like a piece of work. Usually people like this know exactly what they're doing. She sounds like she's never really grown up, and feels she can do whatever she wants with no consequences. Which is true, I mean, what has anyone done to motivate her to stop behaving this way? She knows she always has someone to come back to if she gives them a sob story.

I know she may have had a rough childhood, but at some point we have to stop blaming other things and take responsibility for our behaviour. She's obviously learned that all the things that have happened to her are an easy "out" or excuse she can use to explain away her selfish behaviour. She seems to think the world revolves around her, and this is especially evident in the way she treats her children.

There is some payoff for her in acting this way. My guess is she enjoys the attention, and feeds off drama. She has nothing going on in her life (no job, I'm assuming no education, no interests, etc) so she has to create drama to make her life seem exciting. There are people like this who didn't have bad childhoods too...it's just the way some people are. She says she doesn't like for people to be mad at her, yet look at how she treats everyone. Look at how she treats her children! She's never had to take responsibility for anything because that's what she's been allowed to do her whole life. There's always been someone there to pick up the pieces and for her to come running back to.

The unfortunate thing is she's probably never going to change. Usually having kids sets people's priorities straight, but if she abandons her kids she obviously has no conscience and that's probably how she's always going to be. Even if everyone in her life refuses to put up with this behaviour any longer, she's one of those people that will always find someone else to leech onto and take advantage of.

Yes you should take how she treats you personally. She's using you, lying to you, and taking advantage of your feelings for her. If she really loved you and wanted to be with you, there's no way she'd do anything to hurt you, not even for a second. Do you really want to wait around for someone to decide if they want to be with you or not? You deserve better than that.

My advice to you would be to get some counselling yourself. Find out what's lacking in your life and within yourself that's made you put up with her c**p all these years. Tell her when she comes home that you would prefer not to see her. She may get upset but explain to her that you're tired of her games, and you need to take care of yourself for a change. Good luck!

Answer 4

yes... she IS that emotionally unstable...

my ex-fiancee did the same thing to me... he has 3 children (that I know of), one with me, and is now trying to adopt his newest girlfriends kid, even though he pays no child support... and the moment he finds someone new he is going to drop this girl, and her kid, and run into the arms of the next one. And all the while, he keeps apologizing and making excuses.

Speaking from experience, please, cut your losses and leave. I know it hurts, I know how hard it is. h**l, 3 years now for me, and I am still crying like a baby everytime he emails me. But it is better you get out now, rather than wait for her to continue doing the same thing she has always done... and always will do. People like them do not change, and they cannot get better without continual psychological counseling.

I have been with people like that, many times. I seem to attract them. But my life, and my son's life, is so much better now without my ex constantly putting us through his emotional rollercoaster. And your life will be better without it too.  

Answer 5

Don't be fooled for a minute.  This woman is cunning, smart, manipulative and like you said earlier, spoiled.  She will never get help because she uses her past as an excuse, it justifies all of her bad behavior that she just so happens to enjoy.  It gives her a reason to run away when life gets just a little bit too cozy, familiar.  Most people welcome this in life, but for her it is boring, stagnant and stuffy.

You sound like a really nice guy .... who has put up with a lot from this crafty woman.  Don't take it personally.  She'll run away from this guy too -- she's already "prepping" you when she's finally ready to bolt.

Women like her will bounce from relationship to relationship because she likes the thrill.  She doesn't want to be tied down, and she blames all of it on her mother.  She will never grow up until she takes responsibility for her own actions and stops blaming every body else.

Answer 6

She sounds like and extremely selfish and narcissistic person.

The only person important to her is herself. As long as she is happy and in the middle of being admired she will have a go.

She thinks she cares about others but really only cares about one, one only; her!

The reasons are probably in her childhood However she is no longer a child and thus should n longer behave as one. It is easy to blame the past and your mother, ex partner, child, friend, yeti or green Martian. And probably there is some level of truth in it. However he is and adult she should pull herself out of this destructive behaviour. You cannot do it for her.

Pushing the blame onto someone else is not going to achieve anything positive.

Leave her as she will drag you down with her to her level (which by the sounds of it is pretty low

Answer 7

s***w that.....thats no reason to cheat....it doesnt sound like she is ever going to respect you.....id get out now