Is she selfish or not ? 22 years old and refuses to help with household chores, cooking or indeed anything.?

Question

we repeatedly row about it, she makes a token effort for one day, then reverts to type.

Answer 1

well selfish is an excellent word.If she expects people to clean up after her, then maybe she should have been born into royalty.

I prefer to call her Lazy and bone idle

what springs to mind is the lack of respect it shows for the person running about after her, cooking, cleaning and washing etc. its just not fair.

Answer 2

is this your daughter you are talking about if so stop babying here straight away let her washing mount up dont cook for her and certainly dont clean for her put all her dirty stuff in her room and shut the door,

at 22 she should be able to fend for herself

Answer 3

Kick her a** out! If she is 22 she should be livein on her own!

Truck (i am a girl)

Answer 4

Maybe she's just lazy and not selfish.

Answer 5

Get onto Channel 4 and see if they are doing a new series of Brat Camp.

Answer 6

I wouldn't call it being selfish, just lazy. Tell her if she doesn't help out she is going to be gone.

Answer 7

Well, I assume you are the mom or mom figure( responsible room mate?) No matter whom you are, a 22 year old should be doing chores, cooking, cleaning, etc. Is this person in school? Working? You really need to add more details of the situation.  

Answer 8

If it's your missus send her back to her mother with a sore bottom, she is just trying it on.

If it's your daughter, tell her to find her own place first thing in the morning.

Answer 9

i think she is selfish if she can not be bothered to help out  

Answer 10

Sounds like tough love is needed

Has she been checked for ADD I have a 18 year old who is and can't remember that I asked for help or that she is suppose to do anything

Answer 11

Kick her out.  

Answer 12

she is selfish...kick her out let her know how tough it is out there in the real world

Answer 13

she should be left to buy her own food, do her own cooking and washing up and all the other stuff we all have to do

stop waiting on her, she has got to learn that real life doesnt come with a free slave

Answer 14

Is she your sister or your daughter you don't state the relationship?

Either way yes she is selfish but only because she's been allowed to get away with it. Stop doing anything to help her, don't buy food for her let alone cook it, don't wash her clothes. She'll soon get the hang of it when she's hungry and down to her last clean pair of knickers!

Answer 15

Absolutely, i'm 26 and if i still lived at home i would do my fair share.  She is very selfish, you need to put your foot down.  Stop washing her clothes, tell her if she can't bring herself to help with chores she chooses then she will have to do the ones you choose, for example wash her own clothes.  Don't cook her a dinner, tell her that if she wants dinner then she needs to contribute to it.  

It might be hard but if you stick to it, it might give her the kick up the butt she deserves.  She should be ashamed of herself!!

Answer 16

I am 22 and the same. Maybe life is boring her, maybe she feels depressed? Depression causes feelings of apathy. Or perhaps she feels anxious or uncomfortable 'obeying' you due to longstanding frictions? It's not always easy to show outward respect for other people when you are not used to doing it.

To do anything you have to want to, and you have to feel comfortable doing it. I don't help out much at home, however if I had my own place it would probably be quite tidy and organised. If your daughter was alone in the house, she may well adopt the 'top role' (normally belonging to you) which gives a feeling of pride, and she may do loads of chores. But as soon as there is someone critical above her again she feels uncomfortable and just tries to deflect them. Its not deliberate disobedience or laziness.

Being horrible, kicking her out etc are just dreadful suggestions. If she is feeling introverted and unhelpful this is going to make her feel hated, and misunderstood and just like slamming the door in your face.  People don't respect other people because they are made to. Those suggestions are also spiteful, immature ways of dealing with the problem. I do not want to believe your daughter is selfish, or even lazy for one minute. Honestly, people complain when dog trainers attempt to use punishment, and yet if its a young person in question then they spoken about like scum.

I don't know your daughter, but I would advise not to put pressure or guilt on her by nagging, saying expectant, pressurising things like 'well, are you going to help' or using a sarcastic tone. If she normally replies in a moaning, 'go away' kind of way then it is because, as I said, she feels silly and doesn't find it comfortable obeying outright. The only way to get out of that uncomfortable situation for her is to be rude, ignore you or stay out of reach.

Few will accept what I am saying. Off course I just need to 'pull my socks up!!' or realise the world doesn't revolve around me!! That really hurts. If my parents wanted to 'get' me to help out more, then first off stop trying to 'get' me to do anything! You can't with some people! Probably the most intelligent people! My parents if wanting to succeed would stop being sarcastic, lecturing, carrying things on, making out I am hurting them in some way, saying I am selfish, going moody on me, deliberately not doing things for me in punishment, etc etc. All things which make me feel hurt and less like respecting them!

First off establish friendly, caring communication with your daughter without it being a way of 'getting' her to do something the next day in payment for your being nice. Yes a relationship works both ways and she may choose to say thankyou by doing something for you in return when she is more used to you both being friendly, but if you are expecting her to do something just because you 'rule' or because she owes you it, then you won't get anywhere.

Another bad thing to start lecturing them about is how they 'should' help out because everyone else does, and it is selfish not to. Stop thinking what people should or shouldn't do, stop thinking of what you each 'deserve' or about getting your payoff, and work on making the atmosphere friendly enough so that people choose to do things for each other willingly and don't feel daft in front of the other person for doing so. So that they they don't just see you as critical and superior, and just controlling them through orders and expectations. It means more if someone chooses to do something anyway.

They have to feel as proud about doing something for you too, so always notice things they do- and it would probably be a good idea to exaggerate a bit at first, like, 'oh I saw you did the dishes, thanks a lot, that is really helpful.' And  really rub it in. You'd expend that amount of effort rubbing in a criticism wouldn't you, happily!!

If you find it hard, to say something so almost smarmingly nice, then you are finding it just as hard to be nice to someone else as she is, its just you expect her to obey you because you feel superior to her. If you are the leader of the household then show you understand the feelings of your followers, and that if necessary you yourself can also submit.

Bad reactions to seeing the dishes washed would be: 'I asked you to hoover too...! ' or not saying anything because 'well, big deal, she should do that anyway.'

I read somewhere that people need more praise than they do criticism to have healthy self esteem. Would you respect someone  who was giving you more critism than praise, or feel good about yourself under their gaze? No, so you close down and will then deflect them each time they persevere.

It is not easy to explain but I think a lot about my motivations and how I feel, and know I am not selfish and that I can be very hard working when the feeling is right.

And the people who go on brat camp are people with serious behavioural and mental problems, don't compare her to one of those. If you lot are too simple and uncaring to read what I have written, then you don't deserve someone to resepct you. You just want a simple answer- get angry.

Answer 17

The question that begs to be asked is how did she get away with it for 22 years?  

Answer 18

yes she is and plain bloody lazy, you need to give her an ultamatium....while she"s living in your house. she need"s to do her bit as well, if she still refuses to help then tell her to move out.drastic i know but you can"t and shouldn"t be putting up with this any longer..good luck

Answer 19

throw her out, 22 years old and still at home, if she cant help she should pay rent, if she doesnt pay rent then she should leave and stand on her own two feet