Is she yours? Prove it!?

Question

For transracial APs, we are often asked if our kids are "really ours" when we're at the mall/park or in line at the grocery store (I've gotten used to it), but have you ever been asked to prove it? At my daughter's nursery school, the admins asked us to bring in pics of hubby and I, so they can keep them on file. When we queried, they said that it was an added safety precaution. They said that because we are white, they thought it might be safer to have our pictures so teachers who might not be aware of her adoption don't become confused when we pick her up. The school has a very stringent release policy, which is one of the reasons we chose the school. "We want to avoid any possible abductions," they said (Gulp). They thought they had offended us, but any extra safety, well, bring it on. They also do this for racially mixed families. Another friend, however, brought her child to a specialist and she was asked to prove her child was really hers? Has anyone else experienced this?

Answer 1

aw s***w them.  you are a very nice person

Answer 2

I think your being overly sensitive. Maybe its guilt or maybe its just insecurity.

Its normal for anyone to ask someone that's a non Asian woman if the Chinese girl they're picking up at school is their daughter. I think you should be glad they do. Look at my post on weirdo women kidnapping children.  

This post reminds of another one where an AP was insulted and felt discriminated against because someone suggested she breastfeed her adopted daughter. Biological women hear it all the time by women in La Leche League. They aren't psychics and don't know whose adopted and whose not.

Answer 3

My experience with my black godchildren and the foster kids of other races that we've cared for is that people (in this area anyways) assume that if a child is with you, they're yours. My goddaughter learned at a very early age that if she was with me and someone told her to "go ask her mom" if she could do something, they were referring to the grown-up she was with, not her actual mother who was probably home watching TV, because that's what she does best.

Oh, and no-one batted an eye when I carried a screaming 4 year old African American child out of the Mall of America in 1998 (I'm white, BTW) but she was screaming for her sister not her Mommy... maybe that would've made a difference?

.

Answer 4

I think that the daycare should treat it the way they treat any family.  They should KNOW who the parents are and ONLY release the child to parents unless the parents give permission for someone else.  I don't see why it would be more dangerous for mixed race or adoptive families.  They should KNOW FOR SURE who the parents are of ALL of the children, not just rely on Oh, well they look like they are the parents.  

My daycare provider has a policy that she only releases to parents unless given face to face permission by parents for someone else and then she has to have met the person who will pick the child up (so that she knows it's who the parents say it will be.)

Answer 5

Sorry, but I find that offensive. And paranoid.

Are they saying that no one would abduct a child that looked different than them? Or would only abduct one that looked like them? What difference does a persons look - or skin color - make? If the teacher does not recognize the person as someone who is supposed to be taking a child, or if the person does not have sufficient documentation, then the kid doesn't go - who cares what color they are. If every child had to bring in their parents pictures that would be fine - but not just the adopted or bi-racial kids.

And I'm just the biological mother (white) of 3 kids (also white), but it sounds like discrimination to me.

Answer 6

I'm adopted, and as far as I know my parents have never been asked to prove it. However, once while getting an eye exam at Wal-Mart, the man behind the counter asked if my mom was my mother or an adopted guardian. My mom was offended that they said "adopted guardian" instead of just "Mother".

She always says- there are two ways to get a bird in the house- through the door or through the window, but once they are in the house, they're in the house.

Answer 7

I am in the same boat as you...only 1 Dr. required proof, but that was before he did a surgery on my daughter...I believe there have probably been some insurance fraud issues....people trying to get surgeries for kids that aren't their own because of lack of insurance coverage, etc....It's not JUST about transracial adoption.....this day in age with so many ugly divorces and who has custody and who can't pick the kid up, etc. schools are having to be a lot more careful.

Answer 8

I think that you should look on the bright side as it is extra security. I work in childcare and think this is a wonderful new idea that would solve ALOT of potential issues .Good luck!

Answer 9

It's standard procedure for our daycare provider to ask for photos of anyone who would ever be picking the children up.  It has nothing to do with adoption, but safety for all the kids.  So, we have pictures of ourselves and a brother and sister in law who might have to pick them up in an emergency.

Answer 10

Hi Kazi,

Yes i have heard of this.  I am a member of a huge diverse adoption support group.  One of the family members had said how they "lost" their son at the mall and had to have picts of themselves with child to prove he was "theirs" to the officers.  They did not have a family pict but the child's constant screaming and reaching for his parents was eventually enough to prove they were his parents.

So we were taught as a precautionary measure to not only have picts of our children in our wallets and purses but to also have family picts.  Now that i am prepared for this i'm fine with it.  It's just another perk to trans-racial adoption.  Better to error on the side of caution in my book.

Answer 11

I live in a rural area, with the largest city around us within 20 miles having 12,000 people.  Recently, a 20 year old woman went to a daycare, where she'd been earlier that day, picked a little boy out by pictures with his name on them, and made a phone call that there was a family emergency, and went and picked up the child.  Friends went out with flyers, and just happened upon a guy who said a friend had the baby at his apartment.

That daycare didn't have photos of the people who were able to pick the kids up.  They didn't even ask for identification.  The parents didn't even know that he was missing for SEVERAL hours.  I'd be darn thankful that they did want pictures of both of you to make sure your son was being picked up by the correct people.  Yes, it's a little awkward because of the racial situation, but it's also good to be aware of who should pick the child up, especially in a case where the child doesn't look like the parents.

Answer 12

Randy made me think on this one.  My daughter is Chinese, and I'm the whitest guy in the world.  I take her to the restroom in public places when my wife isn't with us, and no one has ever even looked twice.  AndI always try to take her to the private 'family' restroom if there is one, so she doesn't have to go into the men's room.  

I don't know if I'd have even thought to look twice, either.

Answer 13

Can't you just show her birth certificate?  Aren't YOU listed as the woman who birthed her?

Back it up with her passport w/ photo, since she's already a world traveler.

Answer 14

I guess we have been rather lucky but we have never been asked to "prove it" other then on one occassion when I had to take my daughter into the mens room to use the toilet.  She was about 2 at the time and my wife was not with me (she was elsewhere in the mall).  The security guard came right in and asked me to step out with him.  Luckily she was done and he was very professional.  I explained who I was and asked him to page my wife, which he did.  Once she confirmed that I was with my daughter he appologized but I actually thanked him.  I was thankful for two reasons.  Firstly, someone thought to report that they had seen this white guy taking an east Indian girl into the mens room because all too often people turn a blind eye to problems.  I was also thankful that he was so professional in how he handled the situation.  

Other then that, there has been nothing.  Most likely because my wife and I are always very proactive in our dealings with our children.  We always make ourselves known to their teachers at school at the beginning of the year when we let them know we will assist with activities and trips.  Because of that, people just "know" who we are and that we are our daughters parents.  We also make sure we have her passport or citizenship card with us as well as a copy of her adoption document when we travel outside the country.  

Its been no extra effort and just part of who we are as a family.  Its easier to be proactive then reactive.