Is some of the difference due to age rather than triad position?

Question

I'm wondering as I read so many accusatory questions and answers, if at least some of the differences in viewpoint might be due to people being at different stages of life. I know I would have answered the questions in this section very differently in my 20s or 30s.

So, what is your age range?

Are you beginning your adulthood (20s)?

Getting into the groove (30s)?

Hitting your stride and thinking about what comes next (40s)?

Starting to think about grandchildren (50s)?

Enjoying retirement and grandchildren (60s and above)?

Me? Late 40s: old enough, but not yet creaky.

Answer 1

Great question!

I'm 38.

My views of adoption and the world have certainly changed dramatically over the years.

Finally I feel old enough to say how I feel - instead of saying what I think others want to hear. LOL.

Answer 2

Well I'm in my mid 30's and have never liked adoption (and yup I had some nicely matched aparents) took me until I was mid twenties to realise I didnt need to apologise for it.

And yup my amother isnt a fan of adoption now either and has worked in the adult adoption reunion area.

Answer 3

I will be 31 this July. It took me until reunion at 21, a year after the loss of my son, to start seeing the negative effect adoption had on me. It took 5 more years to start really getting how profound that hurt was. It has taken me 5 additional years to start healing from it. I am far from healed completely... I would imagine another 31 years give or take a decade or two might do the trick.

Maybe by the time I am 80 I will be able to see past the things that anger me around here.

Answer 4

Great, great question.  I am in my early 30's.  I would have answered this question differently just last year!

Answer 5

Late 30s.  My views haven't changed much.  My ability to speak up has increased.  I have always felt that people oversimplified adoption and its effects on the adoptee (since that's what I know about).  I haven't always felt free to express that view.  (If you need to know why I haven't felt free, just read some more of the questions and answers on this site.)

Answer 6

well mine is in thirty range.Confused,what does triad position mean?

Answer 7

I'm 43. And one of my knees has been creaky since I was a teenager.

I'm still learning a LOT! A lot is from adoptees, and especially from my daughter.

Answer 8

I'm in my late 20's. Good Question.

Answer 9

I'm 29 and in the process of adopting

Answer 10

Oh I'm not even close to 18, but im sure it changes since in life you look back at your life, you really change from where you started.

Answer 11

Absolutely.  Adoption has come a long way and some times people forget that what is available now wasn't back then. My favorite is all the crack w***e statements about birth mothers. I'm so old crack wasn't even invented.

OOps!! 52

Sarah: your answers will be the same but the thing to remember is that the questions will be different in another 20 years.

Answer 12

I'm 27.  I'm not sure that the age difference is part of the equation, I guess it's probably part of it.  I don't think I'd answer anything differently now than when I first "entered the triad".

Answer 13

I'm mid-40's.  Since I'm old enough to have a few (ahem) decades of adult life on which I can reflect, most certainly I know my views, outlook and opinions were different in many areas back then.  Twenty or so years of life have influenced me, as they will do anyone.  No matter what the issue, age is frequently a factor in how someone experiences/views it, although I wouldn't have thought that it would 20 years ago.

Answer 14

I couldn't agree with you more.  I'm just hitting my 40's and  I definitely would have answered questions differently at different stages of my life.  

Teens-total denial I had any issues.

20's-no longer total denial of issues but would not have equated them to adoption at all.

30's-fully realizing I have some major issues and an inkling that adoption might be partially to blame.

Now-Total acceptance that I have issues and need to deal with them big time and accepting that adoption is most likely the root.

Answer 15

WOW!  What an interesting question and a valid point.  I agree that I would have answered questions differently when I was in my 20s than I would now (in my 30s).  I think too that sometimes it is the age of the child that is involved that affects the way people answer their questions.

Kudos to you for the question!

Answer 16

Mid-40's and very creaky

Reader's Digest summary of adoption feelings evolution:

Teens - a lot of rage

20's - wasn't ready to touch on my adoption issues, but rather focused on what I felt was a feminist issue of punishing women by taking away their babies. I was angry in your face political grrrrl

30's  - started to touch on it, but then would bury it when the pain got too much. This repeated the entire decade

40's - wishing I had better spent my 30's instead of doing the revolving door

Answer 17

I'm 37 years old

Stopped trying to convince myself that adoption did me a favor about a year ago

Spent the first 36 years people pleasing, complient and saying whatever I thought people wanted to hear even when it went against what I really felt

Answer 18

In my groove but on the verge of my stride.  (39)  I'm an adoptive mom.  I usually have to learn the hard way, but after i bang my head against a brick wall uummm...like 10 times, i get it.  The older i get it, the faster i understand other peoples point of view.

My answers are much different now verses my 20's.  So i agree its a good question.

Answer 19

I just turned thirty one this past october

Old enough to know better & young enough to do it again

Answer 20

Early 30's.  I learn every day of my life, so yes, age has a whole lot to do with it.  Not necessarily because of how old I am or because of age "mellowing" me or anything...but because the more time I spend on this Earth, the more I learn.

Answer 21

In my 60's and only in the past 18 months have I experienced the whole concept of adoption. I am a birth father and reunited with my daughter who is 41. I had no idea of all that goes on. I am learning and learning and learning more and more every day. It is amazing. Sometimes I wonder if this is all meant to lead me somewhere. I don't know, but I can tell all of you, yes you will be in a constant state of change.

Answer 22

36 years YOUNG.  

the only thing that i would answer differently is that i would strongly discourage minority young women or mother of a mixed race baby from relinquishing.  

over the years, i realized that black/minority babies are veiwed by many (not all) as "last-change kids", or "exotic trinkets."  

it makes me sick to my stomach. seriously.

ps.  this is not a blanket statement agaisnt all who adopt minority children.  simply the fact that many adoption agencies often consider black or minority/mixed-race babies as "hard to place" or "special needs", available for a discounted price.

Answer 23

Good point.  I'm 28 and not getting any younger.

Answer 24

Older than anyone who has posted so far!  And much less idealistic and more pragmatic than most of the posters on this board.

Answer 25

I'm 42. My views have changed over the years.

Answer 26

I'm "getting into the groove!"  (36)

Answer 27

I'm an OLD 27 been in this groove with my hubby for 9 years.

Gosh 9 years, thats like 1/3 of my life. OH, I feel old now. If I could I'd just skip to retirement.

Answer 28

I am in my 50's with grandkids, but before reunion, I never would have been able to come to a forum like this. My secret was buried so deep, I just would not been able to handle it. So reunion changed my life.

Answer 29

What a great question!  I'm in my early 40's (yikes) and am asking questions now that I never even thought of in my 20's.   For me it has to do a lot with raising my own kids and seeing the wonder of genetics at work.   It has made me think of my own life in a really different way.

Answer 30

i'm 39.

20 years ago i would have preached the value and wonderful-ness of adoption.

i've learned a lot since.  too much.

Answer 31

43.

20s were about people pleasing.

30s were testing the waters, and people pleasing.

40s are the freeing...doing and saying what I believe is right, and not caring what others think (surprise)

Hopefully in my 50s, I'll be less busy with my children and I can practice what I preach.

Interesting question!