Is son ADD? Or gifted? An Ex manipulating a true answer - why?

Question

My Ex's approach, and subsequent actions, is extremely suspect. Is it a custody ploy? Or is it really the new step Mom (SM) that is the at the root of all of this? Ex never would own up to being ADD himself, yet he's h**l bent on having our son being diagnosed with it. Why? Ex initiated it with son's pediatrician as 'we are concerned about son's behavior, we think it's due to his mother's excessive drinking during pregnancy' (a heinous lie/attack) He was sneaky and silent about his approach and handing ADD questionairre forms to pre-school and then kindergatern teachers every step of the way, trying to keep me in the dark. The sneakyness and silence didn't stop after he was busted. Now he's slanting the test results and providing to the pediatrician inaccurate/duplicate/false forms. It doesn't make sense that the Ex would want his son defined as ADD. It would make sense that SM would, I know who she's married to and what she has to go through.

SM's questionairre is suspect to her and my son having a problem. She rated him as Very Much Cruel, very much this that and the other, whereas his teachers and myself are on the polar end. The highest test results came from both SM (20) and Ex (15), then pre-school (13 and at a time that a wretched wretched child was a horrid influence on my child). I am concerned Ex will get son labeled,amongst many many many other things. I want my son to have a fair shake before he is labeled and on psychotropic mind altering medications for a lifetime. I believe it's a dicipline issue - not ADD. Given that ADD is heretitary, I would not be surprised if it ends up to be ADD, But ADD is so commonly misdiagnosed and there is proof that my son is gifted - which is commonly mis-diagnosed as ADD. He was tested for being gifted, but lacked the patience so he was not accepted into the program. There is a major power struggle going on. Ex is CONSTANTLY cramming SM down my throat at any and every chance he can. What is really going on? I'm in too deep and need some flies on the wall to bounce back some views. PS - I never speak badly about my Ex or the SM anywhere near my child - NEVER. I make a point of speaking up nicely about them with my son. Also, unless you have actually gone back to court and won full custody based on premises as such, Plz don't presume it's so easy to accomplish. I cherish and adore my only child - he is my life, my heart, my everything.

Answer 1

You seem to be dealing with two separate issues here. One is your Ex's attempt to do something about your child by using deception and telling lies. The second is the question of whether your child is really hyperactive or has ADHD. To deal with the first, I'd make an appointment to meet with the pediatrician without your child present and explain your concerns. Same with the school. I don't know what the custody agreement says but you may have the right to refuse to let your child take any meds the ex manages to get prescribed. You may need to talk to a lawyer. Also make sure he is not laying the groundwork for trying to get full custody.

     As to the second question, what does the school say? If he is learning and functioning in school then you may be right about it being a discipline issue, although you are not clear on what,if any, discipline problems are present. You make need to work with the school to agree on how your child is to be dealt with if he misbehaves.

     Keep up the good work on not badmouthing your ex in front of the child. But  do be careful to keep your legal rights protected.

Answer 2

I am a teacher and a parent and have dealt with ADD issues quite a bit as well as a divorced parent so I can see where you are coming from.  Your child is definitely brighter than most kids in his class.  I had to put my 7 year old on ADD meds because he wasn't doing well in school but only after researching and feeling that he needed it.  If he is doing well in school, then you should see what is going on at home.  I know your concerns about a child being labeled because I didn't want that to happen to mine but I had to do what I thought was best for my son at the time.  He is now 14, still on meds, which have greatly helped.  Labeling was an issue and he was able to transfer to a different school.  This really helped and I feel the medicine, divorce, and school changes really helped him.  I think you need to look at everything.  If you decide on the meds, you can always take him off.  However, according to research, meds can help but he must have a stable, positive life and especially not be around parents that argue. Get counseling and more advise from professionals not just the medical family doctor. Hang in there, its tough!!