Is the adoptee's perspective important?

Question

In respect to the fact that there are people here, one in particular who happens to be an adoption worker who seems to think adoptees have "ruined" this board by coming here and sharing their experiences.

Answer 1

yes

Answer 2

Hi Isabel,

I, too, was disappointed in the adoption worker/adoptive parent who wanted to dismiss adoptees' input as irrelevant and unwelcome.  Not terribly surprised, just disappointed.  As you know, most adoptees are used to that sort of treatment, being silenced as though their feelings are irrelevant.  (Unless of course they are congruent with the adoption industry's propaganda, then they are more than welcome to speak up).  Meanwhile, another generation of children could grow up feeling the same way because the cycle will not change until issues are addressed.

To answer your question, yes, everyone's perspectives are important, especially the adoptee's.  Adoptees are supposedly the ones for whom adoption is meant to serve.  I feel society can and should be doing so much better for the children.  My comments are not directed at those adoption professionals and adoptive parents who do "get it"  and are respectful of our rights and feelings.  What the unelightened ones don't seem to realize is that adoptees already know all too well what mainstream society's views on adoption are.  We have lived it our entire lives and have been expected to pretend that is how we feel as well.  Guess what?  It is not.  After we grow up, find our own voices, & try to express how we really feel, some act as though we don't know how we really feel or that it is not true.  Well it is true.  Instead of hushing us, they should try to understand.  Who is better qualified than an adoptee to truly speak of what the experience is like?

Shedding light on wrongdoings or suggesting areas of needed improvements should not be seen as causing trouble, because there ARE serious issues with the way adoption in the U.S. is practiced.  Adoptive parents can be wonderful people, and still there is something wrong with adoption itself!  That's what adoptees are saying, and that's what needs to be acknowledged and dealt with rather than ignored.  By listening to all views, that's how ideas can evolve in order to improve.  That is our common goal, is it not?  To better meet the short and long-term needs of the children?

Hmm...I cannot explain why some might be so closed off to trying to understand our points.  It should be explored.  Are they afraid of something?  Do they think by ignoring what they don't want to hear it will make the issues go away?  Could it be a personal vested business interest in keeping the system unchanged at the expense of the adoptee?  Maybe it's something else.

In any case, this is a public forum, not someone's private territory that they can decide who may contribute and who may not.  Because it is not filtered like most adoption forums, it may be the first time others have been exposed to true views from adult adoptees.  Improvements should not be feared.  Different views should be freely exchanged and encouraged for the collective benefit of everyone's education.  One doesn't learn much by only reading what one already knows.

Thanks for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 3

Whose perspective could possibly be more important than that of the one adoption happens to?

The perspectives of first parents and adoptive parents are important too, of course; just not AS important.  Adoption changed my life, irrevocably and forever, without my consent, before I was even born.  You betcher tokus my perspective on it matters--and is of primary importance.

Answer 4

i cant imagine why we wouldnt be importent. it seems only fair to hear from all people involved in the process. otherwise it would be very biased.

Answer 5

Absolutely!  Why wouldn't it be?  I think that it is important that we listen to adult adoptees so that we do not repeat the mistakes of the past.

Answer 6

Isn't the adoptee's life the one most impacted by the decision...if you think about it even more than the birth mother's?   I'm offended by those who discredit opinions of adoptees as we are the only one's who truly knows what the experience is like.

Answer 7

to not want to hear the adoptee's perspective just confirms who many (not all) aparents believe adoption benefits...

this is the same hatin' that happens with bmoms who do not co-opt to the "i'm just a bmom, nothing more...all i did was give birth, her amom is her REAL mom"... banter.

i cannot even comment on an adoption worker who feels this way.  and i thought the ones i worked with were extra special. i guess this is not exclusive to the agency i went through.

Answer 8

Of course it is! Everyone's perspective is important, even those adoptees who don't have any negative feelings towards adoption.

Answer 9

As an adoptive parent, I think adoptee's comments are very important. I read all of them carefully and have incorporated suggestions into our daily lives. It was Heather H. (I think) who suggested that aparents never be late because of the child's fear of abandonment. I had been late once for picking up my daughter from school (actually due to circumstances out of my control) but I did note that she really seemed to overreact to the 3 minute lateness. I was grateful for Heather's input and have made sure that I am extra early now and just bring a book or craft to keep me busy in the car until school lets out.

I have noted that some adoptee's experience's are rejected -if they talk about having a good adoption experience. They've been called "happy, happy adoptees" , told they were shallow, in denial, and would one day basically see the light. (Please don't ask me to show you the link because everyone seems to have their questions and answers private around here.) Even when they post an answer just outlining their experience, they are riddled with thumbs down. I am sure this makes them feel as if their perspective is not important. It would if it was me.

Hey, you asked. Their experience is  invalidated by the thumbs down same as the words do to you.

Answer 10

the MOST important.

Answer 11

I kinda touched on this in another response, but absolutely yes, the adoptee's perspective is probably the most importatn one of all.  They did not have a say in this.  the birthparent made a decision, the adoptive parents were blessed with a baby, but the adoptee was affected by it.  It is important for the adoptee to express how they feel in a constructive manner and give basis for this so adoptive parents can listen and learn.

Answer 12

Of course, of course, of course!

I agree that adoptees' voices should be primary. Adoptees are at the "center" of adoption -- so they have the best perspective on the whole. Not a perfect perspective, but as good as we are going to get!

As an adoptive parent, it is the voices of adult adoptees that I listen to most, because if they are generous in sharing their perspectives (and so many are!) then I can learn so much that will help me be a better adoptive parent (at least I hope so).

I have never understood those who say that adoptees are not thinking of "the children." Hello? They ARE the children -- or at least they were until they rudely grew up and started expressing their opinions.

We all have things to learn from each other. No one's voice should be silenced.

Answer 13

Sort of a vague question. Important in respects to what?

All involved in the adoption process are important.

Answer 14

not quite sure what you mean,but i would say that adoption issues can be resolved for the future by listening to what we (adoptees)have to say,and building on that.

Answer 15

Definitely important!  While many are adopted before they are old enough to have an opinion, once they are old enough they should definitely get to share their perspective.  Everyone should be given a chance to express their views and share experiences whether good or bad.

Answer 16

Yes, anyone who has been touched by adoption should be able to share their experince. Any story either it be good or bad should be shared by an adoptee.

NO ONE should be call anti-adoption n**i just because they shared their story and it was a negative childhood.

NO ONE should be made fun of if they have an postive experince and say they have no issues with their adoption.

Bottom line no one should ever feel that their story should not be heard no matter how adoption affected them.

Answer 17

yes, very.  Especically now, since adoption is so popular.

Answer 18

Indeed!  Adoption was a choice that we adoptees did not make.  It was made for us, and considered to be in our best interest.  Who better to say whether or not it has proved to be in our best interest than us?  What is it that we have found to be lacking or unjust in adoption?  What do we, as the ones for whom adoption was chosen, feel needs to be changed in order to better serve the best interests of adopted persons?

And yet, the legislators and those in the adoption industry appear more interested in organizations' opinions of what is in the best interests of adopted persons.

EDIT:

I just chimed in on the portion of the question that referred to an adoption worker who feels that adoptees are ruining the forum.  An ADOPTION WORKER who feels this way????  Wow, I sure am glad he or she will never be working for me!

Answer 19

Sure the adoptees perspective is important, but back in 1972 when I gave my daughter up, we certainly were not thinking of her rights back then, she was a baby and we were doing 'what was best'. No one thought how she would feel when she was old enough to make her own decisions in life. That was wrong and ill informed. We thought 'what was best' would far out weigh 'how she would feel' and to tell the truth that never entered our mind. I am not against adoption, but I am against how easy they make it for you to relinquish. Saying all the 'right' things, making you believe 'it's for the best', you have to do whats 'right' for the baby. You have no money, the stigma of an unwed mother, how will your family live down  'your' shame. Bla bla bla. In the end I was weak and I gave in.

Answer 20

That depends on who you ask. I like to think it is important to most but sometimes it seems like it is only important to those who are able to accept that adoption is more than just "saving" a baby and allowing a woman to "get on with her life" while giving someone else a chance to parent.

It is easy to discredit people if you bury your head in the sand.

Answer 21

no.  of course not.   is mine?

Answer 22

I too think it is very important because adoption is what happens to us.  The choices are made for us about us.

Answer 23

Adoptees ARE adoption!

Certain people here seem to want to keep us mute.

I don't know about anyone else, but I've been mute for over 35 years feeling grateful and undeserving and people-pleasing.  So I ain't shutting up any time soon.  Adoptees need to have a voice and if something an adoptee says makes other people uncomfortable, that's their problem.

ps.  In case it needs repeating I LOVE MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS and I DID NOT HAVE A BAD ADOPTION EXPERIENCE!

Answer 24

"adoptees" points of view are indeed very important. I would love to be able to give my opinion without hassle from people on here!

Even when i give an answer that is very good and people agree with it, I seem to get alot of thumbs down. Its sad.

What pisses me off is the amount of depth people go into about certain topics. There is no need for it at all.

I have also found that alot of people on here seem to turn things around and twist things too. Not nice, not mature and d**n right selfish.

Answer 25

Absolutely important.

We are the ones (as infants & children) most effected by the actions of adults.

We have lived it.

No one else would come close to knowing how that really feels.

Good, bad or in between.

Answer 26

It is extremely important to me.  It's one thing to be so absorbed in my own adoption loss because I'm in a semi-closed adoption.  I don't get to hear my son's perspective about how he feels about being adopted, but it's quite another to hear not just one voice but many adoptees talking about their own truths.  I *need* to hear about adoption fog and how many adoptees don't want to know their biological families.  Really, who am I to think that just because I birthed my son that he will want to meet me?  I *need* to hear adoptee voices stating they already have a mother.

I also *need* to hear those adoptees who want more than anything to be able to find their biological families and be recognized for who they are.  Who am I to think I can just move on with my life and not prepare myself or my family for the fact that he may come back and should be welcomed properly and respectfully.

I *need* to hear about reunions gone wrong by adoptees.  I need to make sure that my family is prepared to welcome our son in the way he needs, not the way we expect him to need.  I do not need to make my son's life more complicated than it already is.  I do not need to instigate drama between all parts of his families just for my need of redemption because I relinquished him.

I *need* to hear adoptees talk about simple human rights that are being violated.  If they aren't getting anywhere attempting to change the laws because they supposedly protect mothers like me for privacy, how else would I know that now is the time to speak up and say privacy was never promised?

I especially *need* to hear these stories, truths, and experiences straight from an adoptees point of view.  I do not need to have that experience interpreted by well meaning people that mangle up what exactly needs to be said.  I want to have my feelings tromped on a bit, and I especially want to take joy in what joy they feel.

Comments that say adoptees ruin the forum upset me a lot.

Answer 27

Of course it is.  I would think any adoptive parent, potential adoptive parent, woman considering relinquishment, and adoption industry workers would all have a very vested interest in getting the perspective of a wide range of adoptees.