Is therapy mandatory before u get married?

Question

my friend got engaged and has begun the wedding planning process. her and her fiance went to meet with the priest who they want to conduct the ceremony and he brought up that he thinks they should have some therapy sessions with him prior to the wedding. he said that he wanted to make sure they understood exactly what marriage is etc etc. my friend is upset because she feels like hes doubting their committment. he told her that all couples go through counseling but we have never heard of anyone else doing this.... please help my friend is very upset

and if its true what type of things will they be discussing? shes afraid hes gunna ask them about s*x and this is the priest who married her parents, did her baptism, first communion and confirmation..she doesnt want to talk to him about personal stuff like that she feels weird

Answer 1

Hi.  First it's not THERAPY.  A therapy session is usually with a licensed psychologist.  They will be meeting with the priest for a "counseling" session (if you want to call it that.)

This is not strictly a "Catholic thing" either.  I am Catholic myself and I also work at a Lutheran Church as the parish secretary.  The Lutheran pastor I work for also requires couples to meet with him prior to their wedding (3 sessions.)  Some churches (faiths) require this....others do not.  I can tell you that ALL Catholic and ALL Lutheran Churches require this.

Tell your friend to relax!  He is NOT going to ask them anything personal!  There are standard "tests" to see about compatability, etc.  (Again, we use this at the Lutheran Church too.)  It's no big deal.

These "counseling" sessions have been around forever.  I went to 3 sessions myself when I was married and that was 30 years ago!  

It's no big deal.  If it is a reqirement of the church and she wishes to be married in that church, then she will have to do with it.  The other thing is.....all priests and pastors like to get to "know" the couple before they marry them.  They don't want the first meeting to be at the rehearsal.  They simply want to know a little about you.  

Answer 2

For a Catholic wedding it is manadatory that you have "sessions" with the priest then go through marriage classes.. you also have to take a LONG test that is color in the cirlce to see if you are compatible.  

Answer 3

I know that both my church and my boyfriend's church require us to go through pre-marital counseling once we're engaged if we plan to get married in the church (which we do!). I talked to my pastor and its just a few sessions discussing how we live our lives seperately and how we're planning on meshing them (we don't live together right now). Our ideas on how we solve any problems within our marriage. Our life goals and how compatible they are. Our plans on kids. How we plan to include God in our lives. Its nothing about our s*x life or anything... just making sure that the pastor is comfortable marrying us. I actually haven't heard of a church that doesn't require some sort of pre-marital class or counseling sessions.

Answer 4

Relax. Either the priest or your friend used the wrong word in saying "therapy." The program is called Pre-Cana and most Catholic couples are required to go through it, either as a group or as just the couple, before the wedding.  It is (also) customary for the priest to have a few sessions with you and your fiance to explore the concept of marriage, so it's more than a holy ritual. Don't expect him to ask personal, prying  questions. BTW, he may also ask to meet with the parents of the couple, with you, to discuss the wedding.

Answer 5

It is not mandatory but some priests/preachers etc do require it as a condition of marrying them for the reason you stated. It is not that they doubt the commitment...they just want to make sure that you are ready. He should not ask personal questions about s*x etc.....

Answer 6

If I were her, I wouldn't be offended.  The priest is only trying to help by giving both her and her fiance the tools for a successful marriage, especially since the priest is not a promoter of divorce.

Whatever is discussed between the priest, herself, and her fiance, is private, so she really does not need to feel nervous about confiding in him.  Besides, everybody has some sort skeletons in their closet...The priest has probably heard everything under the sun.

Priests are not judges, they just give spiritual guidance.

Answer 7

Pre-marital counseling is extremely common when getting married by a Christian minister.  Ours had a workbook we went through and we met with him 4-5 times.  He spent about 1 minute on s*x.  "Any quetsions?  Ok, here's a couple books that might be helpful."

They aren't there to make sure you should get married, they're simply trying to provide you with some tools that will ensure you have the best marriage possible.  We talked about expectations in our marriage, who would be responsible for what around the house, what our goals were as a couple, if we wanted kids, etc.  It was extremely helpful.  We even did a personality test and he went through it and showed us how to communicate with each other better because of differences in our personalities.

If a bunch of problems are revealed, I'm sure the minister will speak up and advise against the marriage but its just meant to help the couple go into marriage prepared.  I hope that's helpful!

Answer 8

Many faiths require pre-marital counseling to make sure the couple has thoroughly discussed things like finances, parenting, family issues - plus others.

The priest isn't doubting their committment - he's trying to"set them up for success." Discussing these issues BEFORE marriage can help prevent really hateful arguments later on. It's a good thing.

And seriously, if she is reluctant to discuss personal stuff with her priest, then she is REALLY not mature enough for marriage. This is a big red flag. I doubt this match will last from the get-go.

Answer 9

Years ago- like maybe 30, neighbors of my parents actually mentored classes in a Catholic church that was mandatory for people getting married there.  It was called Pre-Canna (maybe spelt wrong) and married couples (like our neighbors) and a priest had group sessions with engaged people.  Not therapy exactly- more like "marriage awareness" classes where you talk about commitment, love, spiritual issues that would be part of married life.  Priests aren't married of course which is why married couples acted as mentors for the engaged people.  There was nothing personal like sexual issues, or anything of that nature, so she shouldn't be worried or take it personally.

Answer 10

In the Catholic Church, it is mandatory. All couples must go through what they call pre-Cana classes. They touch on all aspects of married life, from finances to children.

Answer 11

I know Catholics are usually required to have "counseling" or "marriage classes" before the priests will perform the ceremony.  I'm not sure what is talked about, but I would guess finances and s*x would be since those are the two main reasons for divorce.  I understand that your friend may be embarrassed to speak to her priest about some topics, but I thought your priest is the one person you can talk to in full confidentiality?  She may not have to discuss these things in detail with the priest, but I'm sure he will request that she and her FH discuss these things as "homework" and then they'll follow up with how the discussion went on the next visit.

Answer 12

It's not mandatory, however, most Catholic churches suggest it and as a requirement you have to go to Pre-Cana.

The priest is not doubting their commitment--they can't stop you from getting married if you really want to.  These pre-marriage counseling sessions are a way for the couple to iron out differences BEFORE they get married.

I was like your friend when we first heard that we had to go through it, but it was a great experience.  In no way are you made to feel like you are being judged or anything.  They don't delve into personal stuff like that, but do make a point to tell you that as a couple you shouldn't be afraid to talk about it to each other.  What's tough is that they do force you to take a look at yourself and your relationship more realistically--faults and all, which actually helps out the relationship.  In the end, my husband and I left with a greater appreciation of each other.

I would highly recommend going through something like this for EVERY couple planning on getting married.

Answer 13

It depends.  I know some churches require it.  Since they are being married by a priest I am not at all surprised.

I doubt he will ask them about their s*x lives, premarital counseling of this type usually just goes over what the couple thinks they want to achieve out of marriage, whether they have thought about children, etc. etc.  

I think every couple should have it.  But do as I say and not as I do because my husband and I didn't go.  Ha! ^_-

Answer 14

Mt friends got married last year and they had a similar thing - although that was the first I had heard of it.  I guess it is down to the individual priest and in a time where (unfortunatley) more and more marriages don't last I can understand it.

They were just asked questions about what marriage meant to them and I think they talked a lot about their pets! (??!?!)

I am sure she has nothing to worry about - and that it is not something personal to them.  You are a great friend for asking this!  hopefully you can reassure her!

Answer 15

Some religions have it mandatory... it'll be fine... a friend of mine is catholic and had to go through that and she enjoyed it. She said she learned so much more about her fiance than she'd known in 5years of dating.

Some couples get into arguments and yes some even break up but that's the point of the therapy... to make sure two people really know the ins and outs and understand each other before they get married....

He will probably indirectly ask about that and recommend they stop being active (if they are) until the wedding night.

Definitely make sure to have them watch the movie "License to Wed" ... it's all about this and quite funny :)

All the best.

Answer 16

Usually when a couple is getting married by clergy they require a few "sessions" so to speak. It depends on the clergy though. I don't think he is doubting her commitment in any way it is just a thing that they do. In his eyes he is responsible to God for marrying them and he wants to be sure they are going into it with both eyes open. As far as what they will talk about, probably each person's expectations, decisions on children, how to raise them, boundaries... Stuff like that. Many people don't talk about those kind of things until after the wedding and then find themselves married to someone with TOTALLY different ideas than them and stuck. She needs to talk to him and find out what things they will be discussing and if she isn't comfortable with it maybe they need to find someone else to marry them.

Answer 17

I had to do counceling with our pastor before the wedding also.  Not only does it prepare you for marriage, but it helps the pastor get to know you as a couple.  It makes the ceremony more personal because he knows you on a different level than a hello on Sunday mornings.  We had to take this test to see how closely we answered the questions, and that just helped our pastor determine what areas of our relationship we needed to discuss more thourourly.  It isn't a big deal, it just makes sure you haven't missed communicating anything as a couple before marriage.  I don't believe they do this because they doubt your love for one another, they just want to make sure the communication is open and honest and helps them get to know you.

Answer 18

It's mandatory to be married in some churches. If the church requires that couples do pre-marital counseling and they refuse, the church can refuse to have their wedding ceremony there.

But pre-marital counseling is not required in all churches, nor is it required for civil (non-religious) ceremonies.

Answer 19

My fiance and I had to go to pre-Cana classes and we will have to meet with the priest about four times soon. I don't know what to expect, but in our parish everyone is required to do this.  

Answer 20

Tell her she does not have to talk about the s*x issue. That is no-body's business. Some people do do counseling before hand. I never did and am very happy-but some do. Especially the Catholic Religion. It's not that the minister is doubting their relationship but wants to make sure they are fully aware of what will take place and make sure they are ready to commit at this point and time. Marriage deals with many issues that people don't consider and these are things that could be brought up. Like, how will they discipline children? How will they pay bills? Share money or separate accounts? Will the woman be a SAHM or work full time? Pets? How to handle arguments without hurting feelings? And how will they deal with religious issues-church with them and the kids? These are just a few things that will go on. I think it is a great idea!

Answer 21

Although it is not mandatory by law or anything, most pastors, priests, etc, require it before they are willing to perform the ceremony. The best line I heard during a wedding in terms of God and getting married was:

"It's God here, thank you for inviting me to the wedding, now invite me into the relationship."

Although it isn't mandatory, it is recommended, and it isn't therapy like you think, it is more just a few Bible lessons about love, marriage, and keeping faith in the relationship that the pastor, priest, etc, likes to talk with those who they are marrying.

Answer 22

Therapy is unusual. Do you mean counselling? If this is RC then he will probably not be the one discussing s*x and stuff, that was done in our pre-cana. (Normally that isn't done by the priest, they get teaching couples in to do it). However, in addition to pre-cana there is mandatory premarital counselling by the priest. This is done because there are couples who wouldn't go for premarital counselling if it wasn't mandatory. It's just standard premarital, nothing major. Ask some married friends what theirs involved.

What is the problem you friend is having? I'm not sure what the issue is here. If she's not comfortable talking about their relationship with her pastor, then perhaps he shouldn't be the one marrying them.

Answer 23

In most religious weddings the pastor, priest, minister always prefers to give the couple counceling. Just to make sure you understand what you're going through. He's not trying to insult you're friend, this is a very common practice in the church.  They will discuss how to resolve fights, how you want to raise your children, finances and whatnot.. If you're friend is opposed to this idea, she might have to find someone else to marry her. I know that many ministers are strict about this pre-marital counceling and will not marry someone unless they go through it..  By the way, it last about two or three sessions and everyone usually comes out happy.. : )