Is there ANY way to NOT have your child feel *abandoned* from being adopted?

Question

Once an AP HAS ACCEPTED it- then what, Sunny?

Answer 1

I truly believe that adoption should be a way for 4 parents to help a child, not abandoning that child forever.  Much of the feelings of abandonment from what I've personally seen, and from reading answers here, is the fact that the adoptive parents have a LOT to do with the feelings.  The age that the child finds out he/she was adopted, how they found out, and even the way the parents tell them has a lot to do with their own ways of accepting these facts.  I know that no AP should ever say anything bad about the parent in front of the child, and that adoption should be part of the vocabulary from day 1!  I know a 48 year old who doesn't feel abandoned at all, and has just in the last few years been reunited with his mother.  He told me it was wonderful to know that it was circumstances that brought on his adoption, not drug abuse or anything.  He also calls his AMom "Mama", and his bio mom "Mother", to not give them both the same title, and because he dearly loves his AP's, and spends his holidays with them.

Answer 2

Phil, that's great advice for the bparents.  But, for the aparents, it comes a little late.  Any advice for them?

ETA:  Phil, you are right, we can't change the way a person feels.  But, obviously there are things we can do, or not do to make it worse for someone.  Are there things that we can do, or not do, to NOT make it worse for them then?

Answer 3

Not all children that are adopted feel abandoned...my little cousin was adopted at 6 months, and my aunt and uncle have explained that to her, when they thought she was old enough to understand.  If you give a child a good home, and all the love a parent should give a child, they will feel mostly blessed, like my little cousin says, than abandoned.  My Aunt told my little cousin that her biological mother was really young, and she loved her so much, that she sent her to parents that would love her as much as she did, but could give her the world.  My little cousin, doesn't want to know her biological mother, but told me that she loves her, because she has the best parents in the world.

Answer 4

Kristy,

I'm not an adoptee, but I have been involved in different types of...  um...  "parenting arangements" on different sides.  

From what I can tell, whether or not an adoptee feels abandoned has MUCH more to do with the internal neural chemicals of the adoptee than anything else.  There is very little an aparent can do to actually prevent those feelings.  

Example:  I have five little brothers - two of them are adopted.  They are biological brothers only 17 months apart in age.  The older was tossed from foster home to foster home until he was adopted a few months after his third birthday.  The younger one was placed in a very loving foster home where he lived until he was adopted just before his 2nd birthday.  My family kept in touch with that foster family (regular visits, phone calls, etc) until his foster parents passed away just a couple of years ago.  As you can see, these two boys were both adopted.  They are full biological brothers - so in theory they have very similar genetics.  They were adopted within a couple of weeks of eachother by the same family (mine) and thus raised in the same manner in the same household.  The only real difference was the fact that the older brother had a less stable beginning in life through foster care.  However, the results were VERY different.  The older one never made a peep about wanting to meet his "real parents".  The younger one through tantrums about it every other day as we were growing up.  Why would they feel so differently?  Why do they STILL feel so differently?  If feelings of abandonment was something that could really be truly altered by the adoptive parents, it would seem like both boys would have reacted the same way - but they didn't.  

On the other hand, there are alot of things an adoptive parent can do to help their child if they are feeling abandoned.  You can't make that feeling go away, but you CAN try to assist in working through those feelings.  When the child is young, you can say prayers asking God to watch over the absent parents.  Let them talk it out and cry it out.  If it gets bad, you can get a professional counselor involved.  The most important thing with younger children is to make sure they know that YOU do love them, that YOU won't just walk away from them.  Be very VERY careful though - don't make promises you can't keep.  You can't control a drunk driver that may hit you head on in a crash one evening, or cancer cells that may grow.  With my step-daughter (I was in the process of trying to adopt - bio mom had abandoned) I couldn't control when her father left me and made me send her back to her grandparents.  But make the promises you can.  Promise to love them always.  Make sure you know that you will do absolutely everying in your power to insure their safety and hapiness.  

Good luck!

Answer 5

i'm sorry to say no there is no way, your chilD will always have a place in there heart where there neeDs to be there real parents. i remeberD that i woulD stay up some nights an just wish i coulD see them or just see there names.... DONT TRY AN TAKE THAT PAIN AWAY! its pretty much the only thing that they have relating to there parents.

Answer 6

Short answer, no.

At the base of it, we were abandoned. For whatever reasons, we were.

Help your child deal with it. Let them feel bad, just help them through it.

Just put yourself in your child's shoes. Look at your mother, and ask yourself, what would I feel if she didn't love me?

That's the pain. Your own mother did not want you....

Reality might be different, it usually is. But in a childs mind, that's what happened.

Emphasise that they are loved, by you and the birth mother. Tell them the truth, always.

Answer 7

No.

They have to learn to live with it, you'll have to accept it.

Answer 8

Don't abandon them to adoption.

ETA:  There is no advice for aParents.  The aParents didn't abandon the child.  The aParents cannot undo what was done.  You might as well ask what we can do to make someone not feel robbed or maimed.  Unless we are the ones proposing to inflict the harm, we cannot make someone NOT feel that way.  Indeed, we teach our children to bury their emotions by trying to find ways to make them feel OTHER than how they feel.

Answer 9

Nope.  

Support his feelings and emotions even if it goes against what you want to see happen.  

I think if you found his mother and found out what really happened that if will be greatly beneficial to your son coping with the trauma.

Answer 10

ye u culd always care for him and support him when you can but the key is always be on the go keep active and always be there to do it with him so he feels like hes loved

hoped this helped

Answer 11

Yes, keep their first family in their lives, as much as is possible.

Answer 12

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

( my adoptee's feelings )

the courage to change the things I can

( my attitude about changing another human being's feelings )

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

Answer 13

Dear Kristy,

I have to whole heartedly agree with everyone who said keeping the FPs in the child's life. Not through photos, letters, calls, occasional visits; but by ACTUALLY INCLUDING them in the child's life. In other words a REAL open adoption, co/shared parenting arrangements or liberal and honest INVOLVEMENT in the child's life.

IMO, that would be the ONLY way to prevent abandonment issues but is unfortunately something that many adults are unable to do for some reason.

Answer 14

i guess the way to prevent it would be to adopt the child's mother as well, and prevent the separation.

Answer 15

Let me put it this way.

My mom has nothing to do with my mother. My mom had nothing whatsoever to do with my mother's decision to relinquish. My mom was not even IN the picture when my mother relinquished me.

If anyone had the possibility to take away my pain regarding being separated from my mother by inventing a time machine and going back to when I was an infant and placing me back into my mother's arms, then that would take away the pain.

That would take away my grief, my sorrow, my anger. NOT at my adoptive mother, but at the fact that I was GIVEN AWAY by my own mother.

If you were to visit an infant in a hospital whose mother has gone away and isn't going to return, would you tell that crying infant "I'm your mom now, so why are you wailing? Shut up and stop crying! Your bio mom just got up and left you, *I'm* here now so there's no reason for you to feel abandoned!" ?

Would you really do that to a CRYING infant who only wants her mother?

Well, no, I would hope not. But that's what happens - the infant is left on their own, wondering where their mother is and why she hasn't answered their cries.

So, to summarize for some adoptees: No. The feeling is caused even before APs probably know that the child exists.